I wake up on the ground, looking up at my attacker. My wound is pretty deep, like my character. I focus my energy on getting rid of it. It instantly becomes a battle scar.

Ha! Looks like I don’t need angel juice to heal me! Eat it, Ryuhoe!

“Why did I stab you?” asks my shadowy attacker.

“You’re seriously asking that?” Tsundy glares at the figure. She kicks me. “Hey, that doesn’t look so bad. Buck up, wimp.”

Aww, she cares about me. That’s sweet.

The shadow figure perks up. The stars beneath its hood flicker. “I know who you are.”

Great. But I don’t have a clue who he is. Is that what being famous is like?

“You’re the Hero of Destiny!” His body wiggles in excitement and he squeals a bit. His body collapses into a puddle on top of me and then solidifies for a hug. “On behalf of Sunny Village I heartily welcome you, Hero!”

“Hey!” Tsundy glares at him. “Release him now. For every hero that dies I get a mark on my license which means I get less money for all future jobs. I’m not letting you kill him!”

Wow. Is that really all I am to her? I confessed to her dammit!

“Hey! If you’re gonna see me as trash, at least step on me!” I yell.

Tsundy puts her foot on my chest super slowly and giggles.

Cruel and uneventful punishment is just the worst.

The RiftRipper releases me. “So, are the songs true?”

“There are songs about me!?” I exclaim, hopping to my feet.

The RiftRipper shifts into a musical note and circles around me. “So dashing and brave, a hero is he. So handsome and not cowardly. With sheep angel and no mercy. He will kick your ass with glee!” He looms over me like a guilty conscience. “You have a sheep angel with you?”

“Eh, I hardly remember side characters.” I shrug.

If he’s after Stalker for malicious reasons, then I can’t let him know where she is. I won’t risk being blamed for not caring about her again. We already went through that sub plot.

“You’re mighty suspicious,” says Tsundy, putting her arm around the RiftRippers shoulders.

“Oh, how rude of me. I’m Sickle. I’m a friend of Annie’s. Perhaps she’s spoken of me.”

“Nope. Never heard of you. Sorry, pal,” I say with a cool as ice grin.

Glasses Kid looks up at the RiftRipper. “Ah, you were only a trainee when you last saw her. Now you’re a full-fledged Ripper. Congrats.” He tips his metaphorical hat.

Well if he actually has a name and some history, I guess I should describe him. Black cape, like the other RiftRippers. Void like face, yada yada. They all look the same. Oh, he has some kind of fantasy sunflower on his hood. I guess that’s what makes him unique.

“Shadow not matter. People gather for reason.” Brawny Babe beckons us into the church.

Yeah. Good point. Gotta find out who this glory whore is so I can steal their followers.

A colorful bird angel is on the podium, getting her talons licked by a bunch of males with pleasant facial features. “Yes. Good boys. I could definitely get used to this.” She pinches her nipples and sticks out her tongue.

Yandy glares at the angel while seething. “She’s sooo cute! Can I please chop her up?”

“No! Geez. Keep it together,” says Tsundy, grabbing Yandy’s flailing arms.

I feel a tap on my shoulder.

Dandy smiles at me. “Boo.” Her eyes go wide. “Did I scare ya?” She giggles mischievously.

I smile at her cuteness and then jump in surprise. I grab my heart. “That was terrifying.”

“Yay!” Dandy jumps up and down, giving me a bounce house show.

“You!” The angel looks past its attendees and at me. “Why aren’t you worshiping me? I saved your village, didn’t I?”

Sickle glides up to the angel. “He’s not from here. That boy is from Doomed. He’s the Hero of Destiny.”

The angel’s eyes widen. “Go home, puppies.” She motions her boy toys to leave. Her wings engage and she flies up to me. “Hmm.” The angel examines my sexy body. “Yeah, sure. You can be my boyfriend.” She grins.

Yes! A cutie wants me to be her boyfriend. Oh wait, hold the boner for a sec. Isn’t Stalker the only girl in this entire realm? Well, doesn’t hurt to ask.

“Sure thing. But hey, you’re not a boy, right?” I ask with a seductive look.

The angel’s eyes burst with rage. “Whatever that little slut said about me is a lie!”

Yep. Totally a boy. Figures. Can’t a straight male catch a break in the Post-Modern age without it being labeled as heteronormative plot devices?

Yandy jabs her sharp fingernails into my arm. “He already has a girlfriend.” She hisses at the angel.

“When Papi wants something, she gets it. Are you still tied to that whiny lamb angel?” asks the bird girl.

“Chill out, snow bird. I’m not gonna be your boyfriend just so you can spite your ex.”

The angel’s face turns red like a final boss’ weak point. “What did that little tramp tell you about me?”

“Honestly…nothing.” I grin. “What’s your name?”

“Rrrrgh!” She kicks one of the chairs in the church. “It’s Poppy!”

Cute name. Definitely a trap.

Glasses Kid walks around the angel and looks at her curiously. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you from Dark and Gloomy? Sunny Village is the opposite of that place.”

“I’ve been village hopping. Going to build up an army of hero toys.” Poppy licks her lips and grins. The angel then grabs my hand. “Where’s your angel? Lead me to her.”

The way she caresses my hand is so erotic. It’s like I’m being violated.

Super sexy.

She leans up to my ear and hums a song.

The world suddenly looks brighter. Vibrant screen tones with sparkles, bubbles, flowers and hearts decorate everything I see.

Tsundy pokes my eyes and everything goes black.

“Ow!” I yell.

“Get it together. We’re here for a reason.”

Stolen story; please report.

“Free food?” I ask, peeking up at her.

“Yes! Let’s hurry and find the buffet!”

“Ha! Only my worshipers get to enjoy the festivities. If I brand you all as infiltrators, every person in this village will hunt you down.”

“Oooh, blood bags rushing toward me! A buffet of violence!” Yandy rushes at the Angel but Tsundy stops her.

“Free food,” she says with a dark glare.

“Ugh! Kill joy!” Yandy rolls her eyes.

“Smoke.” Brawny Babe points past the church doors outside.

Poppy’s wings flare up. “You led that group of hero terrorists here!?” She flies out of the church.

“I don’t even have a clue what she’s talking about,” I say, scratching my head.

Glasses Kid puts his nose in the air. “It’s in Stalker’s journal. The Hero’s Militia is a group of…”

I cover his mouth. “No spoilers!”

Watching movies with this brat must be the worst.

Tsundy pulls me aside. “If the village is being attacked…”

“Then no line at the buffet.”

“And no reason to pander to the little bird boy.”

We bump fists.

I stand atop a chair. “Team! The enemy commander is likely at the village’s restaurant. We move out immediately.”

Glasses Kid looks at me for a moment. “That is possible.”

With nobody voicing their complaints we head to the restaurant.

If you’re offended that I’m letting people being attacked and possibly killed while I’m getting free food, then please remind yourself that I’m a Shounen protagonist. I know I’ll need full strength to eat the bad guy. I mean beat! Urgh! Stupid stomach!

We arrive at the restaurant, apparently losing Yandy somewhere along the way.

Dandy hurries inside to prepare our food.

Brawny Babe looks out at the burning buildings. “Must go.”

“Hey. You’re one of us. We fight together and we eat together.” I grab her hand.

She pulls away. “Am needed. Get to go.” She looks at me and nods.

“Understood. I’ll get you something with mushrooms okay.”

She smiles and wipes away her tears. “Any food from friend is gift.”

Aww, that warms my heart.

My team enter the restaurant. We’re immediately in awe of the colorful torches decorating the walls. The chairs are made of some kinda rock, which makes them very uncomfortable and the floor is decorated with a pattern of blue birds.

Dandy greets us, putting an apron on top of her usual dominatrix gimp attire. “Order me!” She drools.

“Give me every type of meat you have. I even want a meat shake like from McMeats! Best Friend isn’t here so it’s free range! Just don’t tell me what it is, where it came from or what it will do to my internal organs and moral integrity because that would totally ruin my meal and you’d get all the blame.” I snicker.

“Blame.” Dandy giggles mischievously.

Sure Glasses Kid could tell on me, but Best Friend wouldn’t believe him over me. It’s no sweat.

“Ummm…I’ll have a salad and like an entire plate of bread. Oh! No butter.” She smiles.

“Hey, your secrets safe with me. Eat all the meat you want.”

“I only eat fish meat and…I want Best Friend to respect me. Even if he didn’t know I cheated…I’d know.”

“I’ll have a glass of water,” says Glasses Kid with a suave tone.

“Ummm is that all.”

“Nope. I’d like some salad with that.” He looks at me with a smug grin.

“Hey. I’m a self-righteous protagonist. Gotta eat meat or I won’t be relatable to my edgy fat kid fanbase.”

“I’ll have…your head.” A voice behind me says.

Tsundy flips the table to deflect the incoming daggers.

“Rub Ruin!” Yells the frizzy CatBoy General. He’s wearing a pink bath towel and polka dot blue stockings. He’s also the tallest CatBoy General I’ve seen and has an eye patch over one of his eyes.

“Just like I said…” Glasses Kid grins “possible.”

See. I knew the enemy was here. You should have more faith in me.

The daggers he threw shake rapidly, cutting through the table and continuing their momentum.

Tsundy’s fists pulse, releasing her aura but it doesn’t stop the blades.

They slice her shoulders.

Dandy walks in with our beverages and purposefully spills hot coffee on me.

Is this a joint attack? Is she just a clutz? Or is this another weak attempt to get punishment?

My hair breaks off pieces of the table and tosses them at the General.

His hand slices through them by moving Cougar fast.

Tsundy rushes up to him. “Don’t interrupt my carb-loading!” She punches him with a powerful fist.

“Yeah, seriously dude. We’re really freaking hungry,” I say as my hair barrages him with punches.

Glasses Kid, who caught his drink when Dandy dropped it, just watches in his stool and sips casually.

The General takes a step back.

Hold up, there’s not a mark on him. Is this censorship? Did our budget get cut? Of does he have another power?

“My whole body is a tickle free zone,” he says, managing a malicious smile.

Wow. He…actually said that without laughing. I don’t even have a response.

Glasses Kid sits up. “So, your power is complete control over friction. You can make things move extremely fast and deny impact to your body by making it friction free.”

The General starts clapping. “Wow! You’re smart. You should be the leader. Not this idiot. I’m FurBall by the way.”

“A stupid leader puts everyone in danger. And dangerous places are where many great discoveries are made.” Glasses Kid reaches into his bag. “I’m right where I need to be.”

Does he respect me? Does he? Wait, now I know why No-Fight Robin stays on the crew.

“Ummmm…maybe I can help,” says Dandy, twiddling her thumbs.

“You figured it out. I’m only acting like I can’t win.” I wink at her.

“You’re cute when you lie.” Dandy giggles.

Glasses walks up to FurBall and blows some powder in his eyes.

“I’m fifty-percent more blind now!” he screams.

This guy is a riot.

“Easy pickings now,” says Tsundy, readying her fist.

I put my hand on hers. “Wait up. We shouldn’t kill him.”

“Why the hell not?” She rolls her eyes.

“Because after I kill Flam and take over the kingdom, I’m going to make this idiot my jester.” I grab a cup of hot coffee of one of the tables and pour it on his face.

“Oh…so you don’t need me.” Dandy sighs. “I’ll just…disappear.” She backs away into the shadows.

“Right this way!” exclaims a cheery voice from outside.

It’s that sickle guy.

Best Friend runs up to me and pulls up my shirt.

Oh yes! Finally, our love making scene! I always wanted to get down and dirty at a diner.

Barely a scratch. He shoves his hand in Stalker’s mouth and applies her spit it to the wound.

Stalker launches herself into a hug with me. “Main! We came as soon as we found out. Please don’t die.”

“I’m fine. But didn’t you say you can’t be here?” I ask, patting her head platonically.

Best Friend slightly smiles. “The people are too busy burning to be inhostitable. Which reminds me. They need a hero.”

My hair stretches my arms out all bad ass like. “I suppose they do.”

Best Friend crouches down and looks at Stalker. “No holding back. You have the power to save this village.”

Sickle enters the restaurant. “Annie?” He asks, lifting her into a hug.

“Whoa! You’re a real RiftRipper now. Congratulations!” Stalker hops for joy.

Tsundy bites on a loaf of bread. “Job or not, we can do something to help. Dandy, lets go save some lives.”

“I’ll keep you ladies safe,” says Glasses Kid, following them out of the restaurant.

“You never should have come back,” says Sickle, his void like face arcing into a sideways smile.

Time seemingly went Za Warudo. Blades jut out Stalker’s back. Her usually vibrant and colorful eyes look so cold.

Is this real?

“Main! Fix this now!” yells Best Friend, rushing at Sickle with a blood scythe.

“On it! Retcon!” I exclaim.

My asspull power…why isn’t it working?

I hold myself and sob, feeling the scar.

This scar. This dumb fucking scar…I did this. I wanted a dramatic cliffhanger and it takes a whole episode to get another plot cheat. I…killed her. My own friend.

Best Friend tosses knives at the enemy while rubbing Stalker’s saliva on her wound. “No effect. She has to be awake. Only an angel can save her now.”

Sickle’s body turns into a giggling scythe and slashes at Best Friend.

No! I can’t lose him too!

A man clad in white armor suddenly appears in the path of the attack. “A hero always arrives at the last second,” he says, looking dramatically at nowhere in particular.

“The last second is up! She’s already mortally wounded!” yells Best Friend, slicing his stomach and feeding her his blood as his tears dripped on her body.

“Ah! What I meant to say is, better late than never!” exclaims White Knight, teleporting to block both Sickle’s attacks and Best Friend’s.

“Stop getting in my way!” yells Best Friend.

“Justice is blind! And blind people deserve justice!” exclaims White Knight.

Which is another way of him saying that he can’t control his powers because he’s a total noob.

Fur Ball stands up sloppily, using the chairs as leverage.

“No more distractions.” Best Friend slices his chest and pulls out blood and shapes it into a spear.

“Are you blind or retarded? That person is handicapped! You can’t harm him.” White Knight purposefully moves in the way of the attack.

My hair smashes the pillars supporting the roof of the building. “You were the number one hero. Prove it now! Protect that angel. We’re going to get her help.”

“Fine but only because one day in the future, she’ll blossom into a woman and will have to repay my noble act with her bodacious body!” he exclaims, picking her up in his arms.

Even I’m more subtle about my intentions. He’s practically announcing it to the whole village.

“Yes! I can see again!” cheers the Fur Ball.

White Knight rushes up to the General and shoulder rams him off his feet. “How dare you pretend to be handicapped, heathen!”

“Wait up. I hadn’t activated my ability. I’m a bit overwhelmed!” FurBall shields his face as he pouts.

White Knight tears off his eye patch, revealing it was just a fashion choice after all and did not hide some cool legendary ninja power or even a robot eye.

White Knight slams his foot down on FurBall. “I’m going to need a few dead generals on my resume to earn back my title as the Number One Hero. If you don’t want to help my career, you’ll have to gouge out your own eyes and become an honest person.” He offers hands his enemy a fork.

I grab Best Friend’s hand. “There’s an angel in this village. A blue bird boy. Shouldn’t be hard to find.” We leave the collapsing building.

Best Friend sobs. “Poppy won’t help our little angel.”

I grab his hand and wipe his tears with it. “All she needs is some motivation. Threaten to slice off her wings and I’m sure she’ll change her mind.”

Best Friend leans into me. “I love you.”

Our lips touch for the first time.

…..I need a moment. See you next time. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!