“Traps? Why?” To my surprise, the blades popping out of the wall slice the cat in two. After the deed, the blades retract halfway back, a signal that the trap has been triggered and won’t work a second time. “Is this it…?”
The last point in the instruction list said to kill the cat if everything else failed, right? I don’t expect to be able to proceed forward because the experiment has failed, but the entrance door should open after this. I hate having to face the new monsters, but anything is better than facing one of the Evil Mastermind’s puzzles head-on.
Everything has gone smoothly today. “Huh, huh, huh. So easy.”
But for some reason, I don’t hear the sound of the door opening. I try to turn around to check, but something catches my attention near where the cat’s corpse should be. I furrow my brows. “What now?”
It’s unusual for corpses to change shape, unlike in real life. Regardless of how they die, the corpses always have the same aspect. But since anything can happen in this damned dungeon, I didn’t find it weird for the cat’s corpse to be split into two.
Is it some kind of parasite living inside the cat? The cat did look sick. An undead? It shouldn’t be, the Flesh Monstrosities can’t use undead monsters…
For some reason, a shiver runs down my spine, making my hair stand on end. Or it would, if this was reality.
“The cat… it’s alive? And there are two of them?”
Instead of one cat, now there are two. An HP bar, showing they have more than half HP remaining, is on top of each one.
The instructions for the experiment flash in my memory.
“Huh… Fuck.”
It made no sense that the instructions to ‘don’t attack the cat’ and ‘the cat must reach the end’ were on two separate points. If you attack and kill the cat, it can’t reach the end, so it’s a foregone conclusion… or it should have been that way.
THIS. This is why! This is why there were two instructions instead of one! I must prevent the cats from dividing any more, or at least ensure to kill them, before they do!
I rush at the two cats, now half the size of the original one, as they continue moving forward.
*Click!*
After another metallic noise, spikes protrude from the ground, impaling the left cat. Repeating the previous sight, by the time the spikes retract into the ground, the cat has split into two smaller copies of itself.
*Click!*
A boulder falls on top of the cats. After rolling to the side, it reveals that the number of cats has increased from three to six. The single difference is that, unlike the first two times, their HP bars are full.
Why are they back to full HP… There’s no time to think; my situation will only worsen.
*Click! Crash!*
The swinging pendulum blade crashes into the blade of my axe, producing a loud noise. All my muscles twitch in dread. If I had hesitated and reached this place even a second later, their numbers might have further multiplied.
“Huh… huh…”
Panting, I observe the six cats. Maybe because of my sudden intervention, they’re all looking up at me. But, like real cats, they quickly lose their interest and scatter in all directions.
What’s with the ridiculous number of traps? I’ve been to many dungeons, and none had traps so close to each other. And how did the cats recover the lost HP?
I’m against anything that has to do with identifying monsters because it takes away all the fun. A battle can never be as exciting if you know all the skills of your opponent. But this is a puzzle room, and since battle isn’t part of it, I can do whatever I want.
Following the cats moving forward and doing my best to protect them from the traps they trigger, I use the identify function on them. What I read on the screen makes all my blood boil.
“Evil Mastermind! How dare you create such an aberration! It’s an offense to the spirit of the game!”
DMA is about fighting monsters. Playing alone or in a team with other players, against strong monsters or hordes of weak ones, tricky monsters that like to hide, or those that want a straight fight. Regardless, it’s a game about battles.
Fight! Show your skills! Emerge victorious! That’s the spirit of the game!
But this monster has none of that. It can’t fight, it can’t defend itself, and it does nothing to the invaders. The only skills the cat has are for increasing the damage it takes and splitting as many times as possible!
“Huh, huh, huh. You’ve made a big mistake, Evil Mastermind… I’ll show you how to beat you at your own game!”
The way to solve the puzzle is to bring all the cats to the end. That’s easy, I can do it with little effort. These muscles aren’t just for show, huh, huh, huh.
“Waaaaaaah!” I shout to motivate myself as my skin turns red. “Let’s do thiiiis!”
At record speed, I fly through the labyrinth, going back to the start to find the furthest cat. Not wasting time to stop, I pick it up and turn around. The high speed makes me slide back almost two meters, but I quickly regain my momentum.
“Ugh…” The cat feels gross to the touch. I’ve never liked hairless cats, but this one is covered in a sticky green substance that makes it even worse.
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
I put all my strength on my legs to push the speed to my limits. As I burst through the labyrinth, I pick up every cat, ensuring none of them are left behind.
As any real cat would, they struggle to get free from my grasp, twisting their bodies and scratching at me. My orc skin, though, absorbs any damage, and my strength is too high for them to break free.
It takes me less than five seconds to go back and forth from the start and pick up all the cats on the way, but in that time, the cats in the forefront have managed to die two times more, raising the number of cats to eight instead of six. It’s hard to hold them all, as their sizes range from being smaller than my fist to about twenty centimeters, but with my expert battle senses and improved stats thanks to Frenzy, I can keep them in check.
The last cat hisses at me before turning to look at the last triggered trap with a proud look on its face.
“Are you doing this on purpose…!? I shake my head, sprinting to the end of the labyrinth.
As I run, what feels like an infinite amount of traps spring into action. From spikes coming out of the walls and floor, to poisoned darts and arrows, to spring traps, to rocks falling from the ceiling, to swinging axes and trunks, to a meter-wide rolling boulder filling the whole passage. I can’t take more than a single step without activating at least one trap.
I jump over the traps I can, to keep my speed. Those I can’t, I parry with my axe or headbutt them, negating their momentum. And for those that are too tricky to dodge or parry, I instead tank them, ensuring the cats take no damage.
“Evil Mastermind! You went way too far with the traaaaaps!”
My HP falls like never before. I’ve never taken so much damage from simple traps like those. “Almost there…” I can sense it in my muscles’ excited twisting. A few more meters and I’ll have successfully achieved my task. “Just a few more meters…”
I turn around the corner. The last stretch is a straight line, at the end of which is the end line. The decorative signs with ‘congratulations’ and ‘good job’ can be read from this distance. There are balloons too, and horrifying humanoids dressed like cheerleaders wearing party hats.
Oh how much I HATE the Evil Mastermind right now.
Less than fifteen meters, I can do this! Before Frenzy takes a serious toll on me, I’ll complete this messed-up experiment and beat this damn dungeon. Despite Evil Mastermind’s plan, I’ll achieve victory!
“Huh, huh, huh! It’ll be my win this ti–” Suddenly, I hear a wet sound coming from below, from around my arms. “W-whaaat?”
One of the cats I’m holding splits up, that’s what made the sound. It uses the fact that its body is smaller to slip away from my grab, one of the halves jumps up, and the other scurries from below, both dropping to the ground. Before I can react, two more cats also divide themselves and escape my arms.
*Click, fwooosh!*
It just so happens at the worst moment possible. Distracted by the cats, I don’t evade the burst of fire coming from below. The fire covers my whole body, and the cats make painful cries. Like most traps, the fire doesn’t last long, and it quickly disappears. But when I lower my gaze to the ground…
“N-no. Tell me I’m d-dreaming.” I stutter. “T-t-this can’t be true…!”
There are tens of cats littering the ground. Some of them have their heads risen in my direction while the others simply start dispersing in all directions.
In my shock, I deactivate Frenzy and drop to the ground. All my effort, my amazing display of skill at avoiding all those traps…
It was all for nothing! FOR NOTHING I say!
There must be a way out. I can’t lose this. Not today.
A way out… a way out… According to the instructions, the cat, now countless cats, must reach the end. As long as I bring them all, regardless of how much they’ve multiplied, I can complete the experiment.
I look around. There are way too many of them. By the time I bring one group to the end, the others will have multiplied. It’s an unending circle.
There’s the last instruction too… My eyes start glowing ominously. “Yes… I just need to kill them all… Huh, huh, huh…! Kill. Them. ALL!”
I grip my battleaxe and jump up. So many cats, so many… so many monsters to release my pent-up frustration…
The few cats that haven’t run away feel my gaze upon them and shiver. They try to run away, but my axe is faster.
Violence is always the solution. “Huh, huh, huh!”
----------------------------------------
“Kitty, kitty, kitty, come here. I promise you, I’m not going to hurt you.”
Axe hidden behind my back, I approach what remains of a sofa. Hidden behind it, in the tiny gap between the sofa and the wall, there’s a cat about the size of my fingertip.
“Come on, get out. We’re going to have some fun together…!”
The cat shivers in place, not budging at all. Since I killed the first cat, the ones who saw it have been running away and hiding from me. The problem is that they’re too small for me to find and kill. I have almost no ranged attacks or area effects.
This is driving me mad! There must be a way out of this, I’m sure of it. I can’t give up my perfect run because of the weakest monster I’ve ever seen.
“If only I had known this would happen, I wouldn’t have allowed the cat to get itself killed at the start.”
If I had prevented the first few deaths, when the cats split up while I was holding them there would have been at most four to six cats, and I could have brought them to the end easily. Now, after so many splits, it’s impossible.
But I can’t surrender! If I do, I’d be accepting defeat. A warrior must die on the battlefield, not inside a stupid room filled with cats and traps! If I die like this, I won’t ever be able to recover my lost orc pride.
I don’t know what to do…
The ground is littered with tiny cat corpses. True to the instructions, the cats will die if you kill them enough times. The problem is that, by then, they have split so many times that their numbers are uncountable.
Why did it have to be me the first to find this room? Why did I have to DISCOVER that door, and why couldn’t I STOP myself from going inside?
If I had come with the Green Gang, Diq could have used his magic to clear all the remaining cats. Eventually, after a long time.
I hate my luck...
There’s no choice. I’ll never find and kill all the cats. Killing them or bringing them to the exit is out of the question.
The only thing I can do… Is surrender.
“I swear on my lost orc pride. This will be the last time I fall for your schemes, Evil Mastermind. Next time. Next time for sure, I’ll crush your dungeon and recover my pride. I’ll humiliate you in a way no one has! Huh, huh, huh!”
image [https://i.imgur.com/ZGSK4Pl.png]
“So, despite all my warnings, you’ve gone and done it. You’ve crossed the door that DOESN’T EXIST, hoping for an easy way forward, and suffered because of it. Or you went and looked for the INEXISTENT MONSTER. Maybe you had the great idea to taunt the Evil Mastermind and now he has set you as a target for all his ‘experiments’.
Whatever you did, CONGRATULATIONS! It’s too late for you now. There’s no coming back from THAT.”
- Extract from the Chapter ‘Pretend this chapter doesn’t exist’ from ‘How to Stay Sane in The Mad Rat’s Lab’.