Marta crosses her arms and raises her chin, giving herself an ‘I’m important’ feel. “All right. Are you ready, Andreu? Because I’m not going to embellish what comes next, nor am I going to soften my criticism.”

“Sure, go ahead.” I answer, waving my hand.

You say as if it were something new. When was the last time you didn’t treat me like shit? Maybe when we were kids? Because I sure can’t remember.

“Yes, yes! Go ahead!” Clara, sitting right next to me, nods and repeats after me. She makes the same gesture too. “And once we finish, we can talk about my reward.”

“Your reward…?” What reward is she talking about? Ooooh, shit. Now I remember. “Yes… We’ll talk about your ‘reward’ later.”

Looks like my future isn’t bright.

“I’m going to start from the start, then.” Marta makes a dramatic pause before continuing. “The entrance is too long. It might be okay for those coming into your dungeon for the first time, or for those fanatics who like seeing everything… but for normal players, it’s too long.”

“I understand what you mean, but I don’t want to change it. It works perfectly as it currently is…” I reply.

Marta nods. “I knew you would say this. But I have the perfect solution! Ain’t I great?” She proudly pats her chest.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re great.” I spin my eyes. “So what’s that great solution?”

I want to add an ‘And you would be greater if you weren’t repeating it all the time’, but I shut up. Now isn’t the time to anger her. Not when I am the interested party.

“So, I thought about this.” She continues her explanation. “The cave is on a lower level than the entrance, right?”

“It is.”

“So why don’t you put a hole to go from the entrance directly to the underground lake? This way, instead of taking about five minutes, the players can start the actual dungeon invasion in a shorter time. It’ll take… about one minute instead?”

“Hmmm… that’s… a surprisingly good idea. Coming from you, I mean.”

“Hey! What do you mean!? Don’t you know I’m doing this out of goodwill? It isn’t me who wants feedback, you know?”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry…” I apologize before she gets angrier.

Ah… this is hard. It’s hard to stop taunting her after such a long dungeon invasion doing it all the time. If only it wasn’t so easy… If it were Clara instead of Marta, she wouldn’t get angry like this.

“Hmph! As long as you understand…!”

“Hey, hey! If it’s a fall, why not make it a slide instead? It would be a lot funnier!” Clara gives her opinion on the topic.

“A slide, huh…” I mutter. “I kind of like it… Nice job, Clara. This way, it reduces the time to from the entrance and also makes it interesting.”

“Hehehe…”

“Why do you only praise her? It was me who came up with the idea, you know?”

Why am I only praising Clara? That’s because I’m doing it on purpose, of course. I knew you wouldn’t like it, so I did it.

And we’re back to where I screwed up. I never learn from my past mistakes… I’ll have to give her some praise too to prevent this situation from worsening.

“Nice idea, Marta,” I say. “I never thought about it and will help my dungeon a lot. Thank you!”

It’s the truth, so I don’t feel bad for praising her like this.

“Hmph!”

She turns her head away, but the tips of her lips go upwards. She tries to hide it, but she can’t do it properly. She’s so easy. Too easy.

And regarding the slide or hole I have a few ideas. I can make it so there are a few landing spots, so the players don’t know where they’ll end, or make it a lethal fall… ok, maybe this one is a little bit too much. I can also complicate the stuff and add falling traps in the entrance area.

There are so many options!

I’m sure Marta will continue with her feedback, but she’s taking her time on purpose... We don’t have all day, so let’s move this forward.

“Ok, let’s move to the next one. I’m sure you wanted to talk about the Demonic Swarmers, the ones that shout all the time…” I say.

“It’s true they’re on my list, but there’s something else that comes first.”

“Something else?”

What could it be? There’s nothing else between the entrance and the cave.

“Yes, something else.” Marta nods sagely. “I’m talking about the giant claw marks.”

“The claw marks…? What’s wrong with them?”

“There’s nothing wrong with them. The problem is they don’t serve any purpose. How can I explain it so that even you can understand it…” Hey! Was there a need to diss me here!? “The problem is there’s no monster that could have created those marks in your dungeon. When I saw them, I thought ‘What a giant monster! I want to see and fight it!’, but there was no giant monster in your dungeon… What a letdown.”

Marta continues her explanation. “The problem is the expectations you create but don’t fulfill. You should either delete the claw marks or create a monster that could actually create them. And I suggest you put it right at the start, in the first area, the big cavern.”

“Expectations, huh…” I don’t want to remove the claw marks, so I think there’s only one way I can solve this. “ It makes sense…”

“Of course it makes sense! I’m the one who says it.”

“Knowing how you think, I’m sure there’ll be a giant monster in the future. I want to be the first one to fight it! I’ll show you how much I’ve improved! It’s also my specialty to fight against strong opponents.” Clara grabs my arm and squeezes it. “Please, can I be the first?”

“Sure, you can be the first…”

I pat her head as she chuckles. Marta looks at us and makes a fake cough.

“*Khm!* Let’s move to the… Demonic Warmers, you said…?”

“It’s Swarmers.”

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m going to be frank with you. They suck. They’re useless. It would be better to remove them than keep them as they currently are. They’re almost as useless as y-your Pff! Your clones, Hahaha! B-but, let’s not talk about them now, let’s focus on the Swarmers.”

Again with the clones? Can you forget about them already?

“...”

I stare at her with an indescribable look, trying to intimidate her. I hope I’m doing it correctly.

But she ignores me, so maybe it wasn’t good enough?

“If you still want to use them, I believe you have the answer in its own name: swarmers. Add more of them, that should do it.”

“It’s… a little bit more complex,” I say. “You maybe didn’t notice, but I used elves to create them so that they could have the passive that nullifies terrain damage. I planned to put them in the tunnels filled with mushrooms.”

“Are you stupid!? Why did you put them where there are no mushrooms, then!?” Marta points at me as she shouts. “It’s the basics of the basics! Agh! You’re always like this, I shouldn’t be surprised anymore…” She holds her head as if she had a headache. “I can’t understand this… how am I always falling for your stupid shit. You don’t even think about it! This is so frustrating…”

That’s because you’re not flexible enough to adapt to stupid situations, or those that make no sense at all.

As you imagine, I swallow what I want to say, just in case. I don’t want to die yet. I still need more time to do all the crazy stuff I planned.

It’s all written in the ‘To-do list IV - this time for real (Don’t delete this!)’.

“I put them in the cave because I didn’t think about it properly. Also, I didn’t have anything else to fill the big cavern with…” I make an excuse.

As I answer her question, Marta stands up, comes right in front of me, grabs my shoulders, and starts shaking me.

“Are you kidding me!? Then create something to fill that empty spot! You’re playing with the faction with the most versatility, you can do almost anything you want.”

“M-marta, stop! I-it’s, hard, t-to talk, like, this!”

From my side, Clara tries to free me from our older sister. “Yes, stop! Only I can do this to him! It’s my little sister's exclusive privilege.”

I… I don’t want to retort to that.

*Sigh!* Marta sighs, releases me, and sits on the chair again.

Now it’s Clara who extends her hands in my direction, but I glare at her and she stops whatever she was planning to do. She hides her hands behind her back and starts whistling.

You’re not deceiving anyone like that…

Marta starts muttering to herself. “And I thought I could finally be proud of you, who created one of the hottest dungeons in DMA… But you’re still doing everything as you always do, no strategy, no planning…”

It’s a shame I can’t focus on what Marta is saying because I need to keep Clara in check. If I’m sure of one thing, is that she’s waiting for a chance to jump at me.

But I did hear some parts. Like the word ‘proud’. Wait! Did I hear it right!? Marta, proud of me?

I inspect her face, but I can only see disappointment mixed with resignation. Nah, it must’ve been my imagination.

“Got you! Hehehe!”

Agh! The little monster got me! But this time, it isn’t a tentacle monster but an ordinary human girl. It isn’t as disgusting as when it happens inside the game, but it’s still annoying.

“Clara…” I use a stern tone and turn my head to look at her.

“I only wanted to take you by surprise, and I did it! Hehehe!” She releases me and returns to her previous position: sitting on my bed, right by my side.

Yeah, right… Good for you, I suppose.

She’s always been clingy, but it’s getting worse. I think it began when she started playing DMA. Maybe all that ‘grab things with tentacles until they die’ is affecting her usual behavior? I hope not.

There’s no way she’ll start growing tentacles in real life, right? Because I’ll be the first one to run away if she does.

“Andreu, why are you looking at me like this?” Clara asks me.

“Nothing, it’s nothing.” I can’t say I was searching for spots where she’s growing tentacles, can I?

“About what we were talking about before…” Having finished fooling around, Clara returns to the topic. What was the topic again? I forgot. “Those Swarmers…“ Oh, yeah, now I remember. “I don’t want you to remove them.”

“Why not?”

“It’s because they’re funny! Making those weird cries all the time, and then the screams when they spot you.”

I’m not surprised anymore. After the ‘cute’ cosmic horrors, I can accept anything coming from her.

Do you want to call the disgusting monsters that make you wish you were deaf when you hear them, ‘funny’? Sure, I’ll take it. Whatever you want, Clara. Whatever you want.

“I don’t plan on removing them. But I need to think about what can I do with them… I want to move them to the tunnels, but it isn’t enough.”

“Two things.” Marta interrupts my thoughts and extends the index and middle fingers. “Apart from making more of them so they do work as a swarm, as well as filling the gap they’ll leave, you must do these two things for it to work. Believe in me.”

Marta proudly pats her chest. Finally, I was waiting for this. The time to follow the elder’s advice has come!

“Oh, great teacher. Please show me how I can improve!” I say, making a reverence. I’m sure Ricard would die in happiness if I were to ever say this to him.

“Oh, great teacher, show us your greatness!” Clara imitates me from the side.

“...”

Marta looks at us without saying anything for a while. It isn’t until we return to our original postures that she continues talking.

“The first thing you should do is increase the tunnel’s size. If you add a lot more units into it, especially a swarm, you’ll want to give them extra space to move through.”

“I was planning on doing it already, so now I have the perfect excuse! I’ll also add more of the other units because I feel like there’s too little of some of them.”

“Keep it in moderation. More isn’t always better. As for the second thing… raise the Swarmlings’ level by one and level up the skill that gives them the stat boost. If I’m right about what are you trying to achieve with them, you’ll need to upgrade their skill. I don’t remember the name now, but I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.”

“Upgrade them… ok, I’ll do it. But I’m sure there are a few available upgrades. Which one are you talking about?”

“You’ll see once you look at them.” Marta gives me a smile and chuckles.

This isn’t fair, teacher! Don’t give me only half the answer! What if I mess this up, now? Won’t I feel stupid?

…It’s a good thing it’s easy to go back and edit the skills of any monster or champion, reassigning the points wherever you want. Otherwise, I could screw this up spectacularly.

“Ok… I’ll do it.”

“Nice! Then let’s move to the next area: the rabbit area.” Says Marta. “I think it was ok. If I had to say how you can improve it, I would say it lacks variety. All the rabbits are the same two units.”

That was the idea, after all, to confuse the players. But now that you say it, I might add some new units…

“Ooh, I know, I have a few ideas!”

Clara raises her hand with enthusiasm. She looks at me with sparkly eyes.

“For starters, you can make a rabbit with an octopus. I liked the Octocat a lot, so an Octorabit would be nice too! Then, I want you to create more rabbits that transform into other creatures. I want a goblin or imp because they’re small, then something with wings like an angel… A tree! A rabbit that turns into a tree would be amazing! Then, what else… oh, right! A bat. One of those that drain life! And of course, let’s not forget about the Abyss monsters! You ‘have to’ create at least one of them!”

She puts extra emphasis on the ‘have to’ part. Yeah… I’m not sure about the rest, but let’s forget about the Abyss one right now.

Also, what the hell is this, Clara? Is this your Christmas list? Why is it so long?

“A dog-rabbit would be nice too, and then…”

Oh, you didn’t finish? You only paused to take a breath before continuing…? I thought you were already done because the list was long enough already.

Marta and I exchange a glance. This is going to take a very long time.

[https://i.imgur.com/ZGSK4Pl.png]

“Right next to the entrance, there’s this hole that leads to the dungeon, skipping the entrance part and jumping directly into the giant cavern. If it’s your first time here, or the second, or the tenth… or the thousandth, DON’T JUMP!

If you don’t want your dungeon invasion to end miserably, don’t do it. There’s a chance you’ll end up in a random part of this damned dungeon, and believe me: you won’t enjoy it. So unless you’re a gambler, or have the certainty you’ll survive, FOR THE FUCKING SAKE OF YOUR OWN SANITY: DON’T. JUMP!”

- Extract from the Chapter ‘Before we get into the serious stuff’ from ‘How to Stay Sane in The Mad Rat’s Lab’.