“Huh, huh, huh! Today’s the day I’ll beat this dungeon again! I’m sure of it, I can feel it. My muscles are twitching in excitement at the prospe–”

“For how long are you going to kiss your biceps? It’s gross.”

This damned, stupid, and annoying fanatic… How dare he interrupt me in the middle of my sacred ritual? Who does he think he is!?

I can barely stop myself from caving in his face with one of my punches.

“Shut up, you dumbass. If you’re disgusted, you can start by yourself. Go and get yourself killed somewhere so I can’t see your irritating mug, chicken-face.”

In response, he starts shaking, filled with anger. Huh, my taunt worked. Fuck you, dumb bastard.

“Don’t dare you insult me, His most devout follower! We’re inside His exalted dungeon, you should be paying me the respect I deserve as the representative of the great Mad Ra–”

“Yeah, yeah… as the representative of the sick kids with delusions of grandeur.” I rudely interrupt. He’s so stuck up about this shit, that the best way to make him angry is to dismiss it as kid’s foolery. “You’re great. The Great King of the Idiots! Huh, huh, huh!”

“...grrr…” He grinds his teeth together and growls.

Look, he’s turning red! Ah, no, I’m wrong. His uselessly ugly chicken crest had this crimson color from the start.

This stupid and annoying prick dared to declare he was the best expert about The Mad Rat’s Lab, and I had to tell him otherwise. As a result of our fight, I won’t be able to write in the forums for a while, but I don’t care. Nothing will stop me from writing my amazing guide.

But it was worth it. Now I can beat him in this Dungeon Invasion and make him eat his own words.

Ignoring his ramblings, I flex a little bit more, I stretch a little, and kiss my biceps one last time. “All right,” I say, “we can start now. I’ll show you who knows this damned dungeon the best.”

“Hah! How dare you belittle me, His most devout follower, yet again! It’s me who will win our match! I know every single corridor and monster that populates His dungeon, there’s no way I’ll lose.”

“As if. The only thing you know how to do is dying…”

“Blasphemy!” He glares at me with his weird chicken eyes. “ I’ll be the one to clear this dungeon. I’ll watch you struggle and despair, and I’ll teach you how to enjoy it. As the representative of the great Mad Rat’s Cult, I’ll beat your ugly mutt to a pulp! And then, you’ll join us.”

“Ugly mutt!?” I counter, ignoring his last sentence. “Haven’t you seen yourself in the mirror?”

Like this, we start yet another fight about our appearances. It’s clear I’m the best at this too. You just need to compare my handsome orc tusks to his ugly, pointed beak, to know who’s more handsome.

----------------------------------------

“Huh, huh, huh. This is funny…”

The madman… no, madman isn’t good enough to define him. The king of all crazy people; the winner of the Madman Cup; the leader of the worst cult ever to exist.

That man… that… THING, is currently in the middle of combat as I watch him from afar. He’s making a weird dance, trying to avoid the multiple laser beams from several turtles. There are… six of them…? I’m not sure.

“Aren’t you going to help me!?” He shouts, clearly angry at my passiveness. “Why did they all show up at the same time!?”

There’s no way I’m going there. I’ve had enough of laser turtles for a while. A very long while.

“Huh? Are you asking me to help you…?” I say, picking my ear. “Why should I? Didn’t you say you’re the one who knows everything about The Mad Rat’s Lab? If this is true, then you shouldn’t need my help, a ‘random nobody’, right?”

I make sure to remain properly hidden behind a rock to observe the spectacle. Huh, so noob. He calls himself an expert but he can’t deal with this much?

“Also… didn’t you say you enjoy these situations? Why are you complaining now that I’m giving you space so you can enjoy yourself?”

“This… this is… Aaaagh! Preposterous! How dare you question my beliefs!?” He starts trembling in rage. “Of course, I’m enjoying this situation. Aaah, the despair! The feeling of impotence!” He grabs his shoulders, moaning between phrases. Disgusting… “But this and that are different! I can’t allow myself to die like this, today is different, today I must survive and beat you!”

“Huh, huh, huh! Good luck with that.” I dismiss him and hide behind the rock once again. “I’ll leave the turtles to you, then…”

“You dare! Scumbag! Coward!”

I furrow my brows and I feel my biceps twitch.

“Coward! You can’t win in a straight fight, so you hide behind a rock and let the others do all the work for you…”

My biceps twitch again.

“Ooh, look at this! You were talking so much bullshit in the forums, but when the time comes, you’re a wimp. Hah! So much for your ‘honor’. I can’t see it anywhere. Did you lose it before we started the dungeon invasion?”

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At this point, my whole body starts shaking. How do you dare poke at my weakness like that? I won’t stand this!

“Waaaaaaah!” I shout, jumping out of my hiding place and rushing in the direction of one of the laser beams. “Nobody calls me a coward, and I’m not scared of any fight!”

It’s a shame I can kill him right here right now because I’d lose the bet. But I swear I’m itching to slam my great-axe into that ugly chicken face.

“It seems I’ll have to teach a weakling like you how to fight,” I add, before leaving him behind. “You’re like a dancer, moving around like that. A horrible one.”

“Shut up! I’m doing this because I enjoy it.”

“Yeah, sure. I toooootally believe you…”

Instead of bashing his face, I release my frustration into the turtle. Hmm… were they always this weak?

----------------------------------------

“So pathetic... We’ve only crossed the first area and you're already in shambles. Huh, huh, huh!”

We’ve finished our fight against the turtles and are now in the tunnel area. After the initial fight against the six of them, we didn’t find any other problems except two pairs of Goblimps, which I quickly dealt with.

If only I could ban them… Annoying pests…. However, I didn’t find them as annoying as usual. It must be because this stupid prick is worse than them.

To think the day when I thought of the Goblimps as a mere nuisance will come… Should I thank this prick?

“Hmph! Just to be clear, I did it on purpose. I couldn’t stop myself from–”

“Yeah, yeah… Whatever you say.” I wave my hand in dismissal.

“Moron, stop interrupting me! Allow me to finish, at least!”

“I don’t see any reason to listen to your bullshit…”

I leave him behind and take the lead, to make it clear I’m the best player.

“Ugh… this musclebrain is harder to crack than I expected…” I hear him mutter something, but I ignore him and continue walking.

How would a straight fight against him be? I’m itching to try. The longer I have to suffer his stupidity, the more I feel like doing it.

I only agreed to this match because, as the owner of the best guide about The Mad Rat’s Lab, I couldn’t ignore his comments. But what I want is a fair duel, with our honor and lives at the stake! I want to crush him with my fists and enjoy the victory, standing on his corpse.

“...huh? Why is the light growing dimmer…?” I turn around and watch as the entrance to the tunnel closes. “Is this, a Tunnel Mimic? Why is it here!?”

The tunnel I just entered was a fake one, it seems. But I swear I memorized all the tunnels just for this match, so how could it be? Don’t tell me… did the Evil Mastermind predict this too, and adjusted their behavior to pose as the real tunnels too?

This isn’t fair! Allow me to have a fair match against this annoying prick at least… I’m fine with your obsession with humiliating me, but not today!

“Tsk, tsk, tsk…” The fanatic clicks his tongue and makes the typical ‘how can this be? so pathetic’ pose. “To think you call yourself the greatest expert, only to fall to something like this… The signs were clear, and you missed them all…”

I saved your ass before, and now you laugh at me!?

“What signs? The Tunnel Mimics don’t leave any sign when transformed. Don’t make up random stuff, you fucker!”

The worm’s mouth closes in between, so he might not have heard the last part.

“I won’t be defeated by this.” I clench my teeth and start swinging my axe around.

As usual, it takes about ten seconds for the worm to die. I’m sure I’ll appear in a random area of the dungeon, away from the rest of the team.

In fact, this is a good thing. We didn’t bring any support mobs with us, to make it easier to see who’s the best, so if I end up in a random place, it means I won’t have to see that guy’s face anymore. Not everything can be bad.

I won’t have to see him anymore nor help him to avoid losing my honor. He can’t complain if he dies when we aren’t together. Isn’t this the best way to show our skills?

Happy times, here I go!

The game pushes me out of the ground, making me drop into the closest tunnel.

This is the worst part. Last time, it dropped me right on top of The Tunnels’ Nightmare and I was affected by its Fear, making me run away and fall into the river, which dragged me to the entrance cave… I also eat a lot of poison.

“...where I am?”

I look around, and the first thing I see is the annoying prick. He’s looking at me from above, disdain etched in his face.

“It took you less than I expected. Don’t you enjoy being eaten? It’s a sublime experience you must have at least once in your life.”

“WHY!?” I shout. “Why did I appear next to YOU!? When this happens, the one who’s eaten always appears in a random spot, far away from the rest; so how come I’ve dropped right next to you!?”

He tilts his head to the side in confusion. “Far away…? You’re wrong. It’s random. The worms might or might not go away, and it took you so little time to kill it, so of course, there was a high chance you would appear right next to me… This is why you aren’t such an expe–”

“Lies! Don’t spout any more bullshit, it’s clear the Evil Mastermi–”

“Stop interrupting me, dumbass! Damn it! You never allow me to finish!” Oh, look at that annoying prick, daring to interrupt me. Huh, huh, huh! He has finally grown a pair. “As I said, the worm’s movement is random, so who knows where you might appear afte–”

“Then why did it never work like this when I was there? Stop with your wrong assumptions. This proves I know more than you.” I forcefully finish our argument. Then, I stand up and dust my clothes.

“Ugh….! I, I will…” He starts muttering some incomprehensible things, but I ignore him.

Rule number one to keep your sanity: never listen to a crazy person’s ramblings. Otherwise, they might start to affect you too, slowly corroding your sanity until you fall and turn into one of them. This is how they propagate themselves, like an infectious plague.

As he keeps rambling, I kiss my biceps once again. Yes, I can still feel it in my muscles. Today’s the day I beat The Mad Rat’s Lab once again! I’m sure of it!

[https://i.imgur.com/ZGSK4Pl.png]

“...

Rule 2: don’t mention the Evil Mastermind, the Mad Rat’s Cult, or All Shall Despair. If you do, you will summon them to the forum, and your post is finished.

Rule 3: never believe any of their lies. Sometimes, what they say will be true. But first, contrast it with other, more reliable, sources.

Rule 4: be careful of posts without a distinguished or anonymous author behind them. The author might be a cultist camouflaged as a normal person.

…”

- Manual for publishing and reading posts about The Mad Rat’s Lab without risks.