METTATON
Good evening, beauties and gentlebeauties! Welcome to my MTT-Brand Podcast Mode~
Have you stretched your legs?
Maybe your arms?
Or other noodly appendages?
Ready or not, it’s time for the show to resume! But first, a very important disclaimer.
No one in this hall may take any photographs of the stage. No selfies. No indirect angles. I’m sorry darlings, but rules are rules.
We’ll be back online with the visuals once we’re in the clear. Until then, let’s begin our fabulous interview! We’ll start with our chef right here. Papyrus? Do you have a moment?
PAPYRUS
OF COURSE!!! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS ALWAYS READY!
METTATON
Splendid! My wonderful audience have some questions for you, dear darling. According to the MTT Brand Auto Polling Detector, the top question was: ‘When did you start learning how to cook’?
PAPYRUS
HMMMMMMMMM… PROPERLY OR IMPROPERLY? BECAUSE THE ANSWER MAY VARY.
METTATON
Oooooh? The mystery! Why don’t we start with the ‘properly’ first?
PAPYRUS
EARLY THIS MONTH. YOU WERE THERE TOO, MISTER METTATON!
METTATON
Indeed, I can verify that claim. I was there when Papyrus had his first true lesson in cooking! But how can that be? It tastes like you’ve had years of experience!
PAPYRUS
WHICH BRINGS US TO THE 'IMPROPERLY’ PART. THE VERY FIRST DISH I EVER MADE WAS SPAGHETTI, TAUGHT TO ME BY NONE OTHER THAN THE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD, UNDYNE!!!
BUT IT WAS AN AMATEUR TEACHING ANOTHER AMATEUR. SEE, I REALLY DO HAVE YEARS OF EXPERIENCE. EXCEPT IN THE FORM OF A JOURNEY OF EXPERIMENTS! I JUST DIDN’T HAVE PROPER DISCIPLINE UNTIL RECENTLY.
METTATON
Well, well, well… this proves to everyone how genuinely talented you are! Now for the next buuurning question: will you ever open a restaurant of your own?
PAPYRUS
AS MUCH AS I’M SURE PLENTY OF YOU OUT THERE WANT A TASTE OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS' EXQUISITE CUISINE… THE RESTAURANT WORLD IS NOT FOR ME.
TODAY WAS MY FIRST TRUE TASTE IN A PROFESSIONAL KITCHEN.
BUDGET!
MANAGEMENT!
DELEGATION OF TEAMWORK!
MAKING SURE EVERYTHING GETS COOKED ON TIME!
IT’S WAY TOO HECTIC!!!
THEREFORE, I’VE DECIDED THAT I PREFER TO COOK AS A HOBBY. I HAVE A NEWFOUND RESPECT FOR ALL CAREER COOKERS OUT THERE.
I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE FOR ANY DISAPPOINTMENT.
METTATON
Oh my, oh my, Papyrus. Please don’t beat up your beautiful self. I understand exactly what you mean! Performing as a job is not the same as performing for self-satisfaction, even if overlaps exist.
PAPYRUS
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
METTATON
Me? It’s both, baby! A successful business proves that my magnificent craft has the reach it deserves~
Now for the meat of the matter… What sparked the idea for you to host such a bombastic event on the fly? You’re not doing this for profit. Furthermore, I don’t think you’re the kind to start an entangling web of intriguing politics either.
PAPYRUS
YOU’RE RIGHT.
…I MET AIDEN'S SON DAYTON BEFORE. WE TALKED. AND, I DISCOVERED HOW LITTLE HUMANS KNOW ABOUT US MONSTERS. THEY THINK THAT ALL OF US ARE ANIME-LEVEL POWERHOUSES LIKE UNDYNE.
AT THE SAME TIME, US MONSTERS KNOW SO LITTLE ABOUT THE SURFACE. HUMANS HAVE A LONG, LONG HISTORY OF CONFLICTS. EVERYONE FOUGHT AGAINST EVERYONE AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. IT’S NATURAL TO THINK THAT US MONSTERS WERE GOING TO DO THE SAME TO THEM.
SO!!!
I’VE DECIDED TO SHOW THAT THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN FIGHTING FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY! EVEN IF WE’RE DIFFERENT, WE CAN SHARE THE SAME MEAL! WE CAN HANG OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!
MY FRIENDS CAN BE HIS FRIENDS TOO!!!
FRISK
This is why Papyrus is gonna be my ambassadorial advisor. He’s truly The Great Papyrus!
METTATON
Great indeed! Such a glowing visionary. I wish him all the best for his mission~~
Well, well, well, why don’t we meet the other half of the equation? Dayton darling~
DAYTON
Urk-- I mean, hello-- NO! I mean I’m not scared of the camera! I’m a brave warrior!!!
METTATON
Sure darling, but the camera is off. This is sound-only. You should instead say ‘I’m not scared of the microphone’.
DAYTON
Oh. Right. I’m not scared of the microphone!!!
NITON
Hahahahahahahaha! You actually very scare.
DAYTON
Noooo I’m not! I… I… I’m the chief’s great-grandson! I have the finest warrior blood in my veins! I shouldn’t be scared o-over an interview.
METTATON
My oh my, now I see everyone calls you the little prince. Although, if you ask me, you’re more of a medium-sized one.
Relax, my young fan. This is your first time, right? Everyone gets the heebies-jeebies on their debut appearance.
My wonderful listeners, did you know that Dayton himself approached me in person? Yes! It was at one of my public signings. Why, you ask? To show me his younger brother’s performance! Together, we shared our common love for music~~
Long story short, I persuaded this young boy’s father to correspond with Papyrus. Yes, it was I -- your favourite celebrity -- who became the necessary middleman.
Dayton darling, I can’t help but to notice that you have excellent English!
NITON
Yes, yes! Brother’s English very good!
DAYTON
I, uh, gotta try to be good at something. If I can’t measure up to Dad and Niton over martial arts and music, I have to find my talents elsewhere.
NITON
Brother speak ten languages! Ten!
METTATON
W-wha…? That’s AMAZING! Ten languages?! Most people in this country are monolingual! Bilingual at best.
DAYTON
Er, I don’t think dialects count.
NITON
Dia-lect?
DAYTON
Uturari.
NITON
Tachu uturari kawasa bana susul, naa? Ku dua iipu nei mato.
DAYTON
Mandei… Ku neihi ishtimera igna.
METTATON
While I appreciate the demonstration, I don’t have a universal translator installed. Dayton dear, did you receive special education? Or is language your talented flair?
DAYTON
I picked it up here and there, to be honest. Mom grew up selling food in the city, while Dad and Great-Grandpa were trained in multiple languages.
Recently, I was able to attend school as a foreign student for two years. So… I guess I improved the most there.
METTATON
In this country?
DAYTON
Yeah. In this country. At the southernmost city.
METTATON
I see, I see. Next question: what prompted you to seek an audience with The Grrrreat Papyrus? I thought as a Gungnir, you’d want to stay away from monsters.
DAYTON
I was taught that all Coloured Ones like him are extra dangerous. The elders say that they’re either crazy, or bloodthirsty, or both. But, Oracle Papyrus is nothing of that sort. Instead, he said he’ll forgive my ignorance. And he offered me his friendship in return.
……………………
I would be a coward if I ran away! It’s like… like… like fleeing from a kind unarmed uncle! Shameful! So. I… I tried to talk to you, Mister Mettaton. And I had heard Papyrus is a part of your social circle.
METTATON
That is indeed true! That’s an astute observation. I think you’re a bright kid in your own way, darling. Walking off the beaten track is not necessarily wrong.
DAYTON
Y-you think so? Wow. I’m so used to being called stupid…
METTATON
There’s much more to ask, but I'll let you enjoy your dinner for the moment. Thank you so much for your honest words~
Neeeeeeeext up on the list is Captain Undyne! The one and only Suplex Queen!
UNDYNE
Mmmgh. (chomp) (smack) (chomp chomp) Busy eating here, Mettaton. (slurp)
METTATON
Completely fine, sweetheart! We’ll just enjoy the ASMR moment. It’s pretty popular on the Surface. Take your time.
UNDYNE
Why aren’t YOU eating? (slurp chomp) The spaghetti is out of this world! You may not get anything like this for, I dunno, a long time??? (munch munch munch)
METTATON
I’m a ghost in a shell, my brave fish. My main meal is electricity itself.
UNDYNE
…You ate grapes on my piano. (chomp chomp)
METTATON
Details, details! Let’s not sweat over the small stuff. The top question for our heroine is: ‘How did you get so STRONG???’
UNDYNE
I train hard! EVERY! DAY! Only with TRAINING can you achieve your best potential!
It doesn’t matter if you’re human or monster, champion or normal. Become the best YOU you can be! (CHOMP) And don’t compare yourself with others.
FRISK
Wow, since when did you become Papyrus?
UNDYNE
Since I got served a whopping humble pie in that huge Magus Association fire.
(sluuuuuuuuuurp)
Damn. That hit the spot. Speaking of pie… Frisk, mind getting me a slice?
FRISK
One slice of Mom’s pie, coming right up!
METTATON
O-one more question, please! Then I’ll let you have the dessert. Eherm. ‘What’s the heaviest weight you’ve benched so far?’
UNDYNE
A total of 17 kids.
ALPHYS
T-that’s an average of 30kg, multiplied by 17. Which makes it roughly 510kg. That’s about… 8 adults. 9 if they’re lighter.
UNDYNE
I intend to bench 17 ADULTS one day!
METTATON
Ooooh yes~~~ What better time to fulfil your wish than today at this very feast? We have an influx of human visitors. I bet getting 17 volunteers for a chance of a lifetime is as easy as the proverbial pie.
UNDYNE
HECK YEAH!!! I’m sooooo looking forward to that! How about we start right now???
ALPHYS
M-Mettaton… P-please let her digest her food first!
METTATON
Of course, of course. Wouldn’t want any accidental ejection, do we? While the edibles fuel our famed fish for her coming feats, why don’t we have a moment’s chat with the one and only Doctor Alphys!
ALPHYS
Hi everyone. I hope you have a good day.
METTATON
Alphys-darling, pray tell… when did you install such a huge gadget under the town square? I didn’t remember anything like that when we first arrived on the Surface.
ALPHYS
T-t-that isn’t mine. Doctor Gaster was the one who built it.
Ah! I don’t think your viewers know who he is. Doctor W.D. Gaster is my senior and teacher: the original creator of The Core and the very first Royal Scientist!
P-please don’t be too hard on him. We didn’t have a science department in the past. So, um, he had to figure everything out by himself. I know it’s nowhere as refined as what the humans are used to.
METTATON
What does that ‘W.D.’ Mean anyway? Skeletons are named after fonts, am I right? Is it… Wingdings?
ALPHYS
Actually… I don’t know. King Asgore? What does it stand for?
KING ASGORE
Ah, his initials stand for Wendell Dominic. But, Gaster much prefers to be referred to by his last name.
Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author's preferred platform and support their work!
METTATON
A classy last name for a classy man! Let’s see… the stream is rather curious about your statements. What made you presume that the collective internet was going to harp on that topic?
ALPHYS
Because… because… Um. The Magus Association discovered that we didn’t have proper scientific disciplines… L-Lady Lucidia got super upset!
METTATON
Oh. Oh dear. Well, learning is half the battle! I’m sure our fine wizard friends will assist you.
Alphys-darling, tell us what your goals are moving forward. Do you have any particular field that you want to specialize in?
ALPHYS
I still have to study more about Determination for the sake of the town’s Amalgamates. But…
….um…
If I really had a choice, I would rather focus on robotics. Both magitek and regular electronics. I-I find that I’m really good at machines, electronics, and programming. Creating new, useful things makes me smile too! A lot.
METTATON
I knew we’d be kindred spirits in the realm of machine magic, baby~~ Did you know that we first met at Doctor Alphys’ Human Fanclub?
Why yes! A fanclub made especially for all you astonishing humans! The achievements of your society hitched a ride in the river and flowed down to our humble underground country, inspiring both of us to take our respective paths. We wouldn’t be here today without you lovely lovelies~~
ALPHYS
Yup. He’s right. Thanks for all the support, everyone.
METTATON
Thank you indeed! We shall allow our genius lizard to resume her meal.
Speaking of dreams… Niton sweetie, may I have a moment of your undivided attention?
Your brother once mentioned that you too had a lofty dream. Becoming a ‘Loremaster’, if I remember right. Something about being a living archive of your people’s culture and history?
NITON
Mhmm! Mhmm! Our tradition transfer from mouth to ear. Words not perfect. And when elders pass on, the young kids lose. Cannot, cannot. Must make books, so future generation know same story!
DAYTON
Here's a good example.
The hero Esarvataya, Saviour of the Sun, versus the great evil Asura.
NITON
Ya, long, long time ago, evil spirit Asura very jealous of human worship of Sun God Matahari. Asura smash ceiling of the Underworld, then fly to cloud to kidnap sun from sky. Matahari fought back, but the poison smoke and evil fire of Asura choke him. The battle cause huge earthquake and great darkness. Land grow cold, grass wither, and animals starve.
Esarvataya one of many to try rescue Sun God Matahari. Still, he only hero who not die. Why? Esarvataya smart. Bring divine weapons.
DAYTON
Obviously, you’re not gonna fight a primordial evil spirit with a stone sword.
But what weapon did he choose to strike down Asura, the great evil? The Holy Shield of Goddess Onmu or The Holy Bow of Goddess Irsa?
NITON
Both! Holy Shield to block poison smoke and evil fire, Holy Bow to shoot the final arrow.
DAYTON
Exactly! But there are always people who insist that Esarvayata only took the shield, and others who insist that he chose only the bow. And then there are those who claim that he rejected both and used the Spear of Asas Asal Ara.
There’s no way he can use the Spear of Asas Asal Ara! That weapon didn’t exist until thousands of years later! When I tried to tell them the truth, they got soooooo angry that they challenged me to a fight!
NITON
Hahahaha! I remember, I remember. You seven, me six. You wrestled with Yantu until all dirty. Great-Grandpa said that every generation, kids fight over this.
FRISK
Oooooh, fascinating.
ALPHYS
A-an unusual darkness that lasted a long time? Earthquakes? Smoke? Fire? T-that sounds just like a massive volcanic eruption. A really, really, REALLY big one can throw up so much ash, they dim the sky for weeks and months!
UNDYNE
You mean those crazy human myths might be based on real life disasters?
ALPHYS
I-I won’t be surprised if they are. But… that's long lost to time. I can see why Niton wants to make proper records of his people’s tales. Oral traditions have a tendency to mutate. Like fanfiction.
NITON
Fan-fiction…?
ALPHYS
…Oh my god I have to explain fanfiction to someone offline?! Okay okay Alphys calm down uuuuuhhhhh…
Have you ever wanted to explore more of the stories you heard? L-like this Esa figure… What if after the quest, he married one of the goddesses and bore children together? And his children have their own adventures?? And their children’s children??? The continuation is all in your imagination!
DAYTON
And then they make a new religion out of it? Because that’s what the neighbouring tribes did.
ALPHYS
Yes! No! Wait, what?! They did what???
METTATON
Well~! Looks like things have gone off on a weird tangent. Unfortunately I think it’s a topic too sensitive for our dinner chat. Not to mention that I still have questions for our aspiring star~
Niton darling, if you claim to be lacking in English… What about the intro speech of your debut? I found no fault in the presentation.
NITON
For performance, I memorize script. Everything in perfect English. But on my own, words choppy here and there. Grammar out of the window too, hehe.
METTATON
Interesting! You certainly sounded a lot more eloquent on stage. If it weren’t for the accent, I would have thought you’re a native speaker!
Do I sense a performer’s perfection? A stage-sona, even?
NITON
Of course! Every professional have their professionals. I try keep personality, but people also must understand. So I not go on stage with broken English.
METTATON
Incredible! Absolutely incredible! This is what I call professionalism, baby! It’s all about putting the best efforts for your audience.
If that’s the case… who helped you compose that heart-tugging speech?
NITON
Grandma! She very good, like Dad and Brother. She prepared everything before I leave the village. Mom, Granduncle, Grandaunt, Little Sister and many many cousins much scared.
DAYTON
I would be scared for you too. The last time you left the village, some scumbag teenagers ganged up on you with cleavers.
NITON
Eeeh shh, shh. No bad story today brother! If tell, bring baaaad luck. Pray now to dispel. Indrakupti chul!
DAYTON
Indrakupti chul.
Oh, I guess context is needed. My village believes that when you’re in a happy occasion, you’re only allowed to tell good stories. Otherwise, you’ll invite the spirit of misfortune.
NITON
Yes, yes. Indrakupti is god of protection. Chul is to strike! We strike the bad luck away!
METTATON
That reminds me of the tradition of touching wood. Or throwing salt over your shoulder. Or not walking under ladders. It appears that every culture has a method to keep the bad fortunes away! Some things are so different yet so alike, hmm hmm?
Anyhow… Your brother said you’re a BIG fan of mine. Is that true?
NITON
Yaaaaaa! BIG fan! Mettaton make ‘sick beats’. Tuu tu tutu, tu tutu tututut~ Keeps heart beating. Excited! Very different. Unique. Maybe can learn new things?
METTATON
That’s from my first album, Death by Glamour! Wonderful! You have good taste, baby~ I should introduce you to my cousin Napstablook when we get the chance. Then the three of us can make a merry tune.
As a senior member in the field of entertainment, I wish you success in all your dreams, Niton sweetie.
NITON
Thank you! I very happy to hear!
METTATON
Moving on from the little princes! Aren’t you just CURIOUS about our illustrious Dreemurr Royalty? I know I am! Especially when we have a new princess added to the family tree! What a twist!
FRISK
Hey Cenna, he’s talking about you. (munch munch munch)
CENNA
Oh my god. My turn?! I’m totally not prepared for this.
METTATON
How does it feel to have gained the title of PRINCESS? My, my, my, my, you’re living the girl’s dream!
CENNA
C’mon. A bit cheating to ask that question right now, yeah? I’ve just been a princess for a few hours at best! So far, it’s just doing what I’ve always been doing: which is being a Vanquisher.
METTATON
Would you call today’s event the norm?
CENNA
Hell naw! THAT ain’t the norm, not even by a long shot! This is the first time where I get told to deal with a Kaiju of all things!
METTATON
What does ‘Kaiju’ mean anyway? Doctor Alphys-darling~~ I think this sounds like your speciality.
ALPHYS
Oh! Kaiju translates to ‘Strange Beast’. I-it first originated in folklore and myth to describe otherworldly creatures. The modern image of a Kaiju started in the 1950s as a metaphor for nuclear weapons. Eventually, the story themes branched out to other dynamics such as civilization versus natural disasters, technology versus nature, or the helplessness of mortals against the sheer destructive force of physics.
METTATON
Thank you very much for the expert explanation! Well Princess Cenna, what would your jobs usually entail?
CENNA
Magic-related crime. Like, there was that one day where some tricky bastards used Cyan magic to hide their smuggled goods. Takes a trained eye or magic-tuned tools to break the illusion. Normal cops won’t be able to spot anything!
On other days, I’d tackle the worst forms of DEMON possessions. We’re talking about high-fatality-high-stakes stuff. You know it’s baaaaaaad when reality starts warping.
FRISK
(cough cough) Yes. Can confirm. Been there done that.
METTATON
I see~~~
It’s clear that you’re a prodigy in magic! Your performance on camera was flawless~ When did you discover your talent?
CENNA
Roughly about Frisky’s age. I went a biiiiiit too crazy with power that day. Ran off to the playground and threatened the local bullies with Yellow Magic goodness.
UNDYNE
Hah! That sounds like EXACTLY like what I’d do! If I was a kid who discovered she could kick some serious butt, I’d go and KICK ALL THE BUTTS! For Justice!
FRISK
Isn’t that what you did? That’s how you became unofficially adopted by Dad too.
UNDYNE
Exactly why it’s the BEST action!
METTATON
Hmm… Undyne, my viewers wondered why didn’t you get adopted by King Asgore himself. You two are very close, after all.
UNDYNE
Pssh, why would I need to become a princess? He’s my King! That means he’s everyone’s Dad!
If one day he says he wants to officially adopt me, then sure! I’ll take it in a heartbeat. But that’s not gonna change anything between us. I don’t care about royal titles and stuff.
FRISK
But, but, but… you two could be SISTERS OF JUSTICE! Think of the possibilities!
CENNA
‘Could be’? As far as I’m concerned we’re already sisters-in-arms. Right, Cap?
UNDYNE
Heck yeah! Hey, you wanna join my bench pressing record?
CENNA
Sure, I’m up for that!
METTATON
As you can see my beautiful beautifuls, the new princess has the support of the Royal Guard. Talk about camaraderie~ With these two teaming up, I’m certain that ‘Justice’ will prevail! Ebott Town is in safe hands.
Speaking of ‘royal’, it’s time for our coupled stars to shine! Say hello to King Asgore and Queen Toriel! Good evening, Your Majesties. Please give us your best hello.
QUEEN TORIEL
Greetings, dear humans.
KING ASGORE
Howdy! A cold evening, is it not?
QUEEN TORIEL
So… what do the curious young and the inquisitive old wish to ask of us?
METTATON
Straight to the point, mhmm? Based on past surveys and votes, the top question is:
‘Are you two really over a thousand years old?’
QUEEN TORIEL
Dear me, how rude it is to ask for a woman’s age! Teehee. I am just kidding: I have long accepted myself as an old goat.
Yes, both Asgore and I are indeed over a thousand years old. My last memories of The Surface were during the days when humans used swords and bows.
KING ASGORE
That is correct. Ah… how technology has moved on. My kingdom experienced similar progress, albeit at a slower pace.
METTATON
A-ma-zing! How does it feel to watch the march of history with your very own eyes?
KING ASGORE
Hmmm… I think this is something older humans may relate to. Changes can be both sudden and gradual. Sometimes, nothing happens for years. But sometimes, as recent events have proven, the whole world will be turned upside-down in a blink. It’s like that first day when we switched on the light bulb.
QUEEN TORIEL
Gone were the days of cleaning soot and stocking oil lamps. They were much, much brighter than any candle-flame could ever dream to be.
I myself still recall our pleasant excitement over the emergence of canned snails. Not only were the cans space efficient, they were already cleaned and ready to be cooked. Saves much effort.
We used to buy them live and keep them in a hutch. Slow they may seem, snails are actually quite the escape artists! Asgore, was there not a time when they munched on your cave lettuce patch?
KING ASGORE
Oh dear! That incident! We were supposed to have snails with a side of salad. I was so looking forward to it…
Ah, what about the glowing smiles we had when you first perfected your pie?
QUEEN TORIEL
Yes, it was just like how my own mother used to make it. The taste was divine, and it brought back memories of innocent childhood. Sometimes I find myself wishing for those simpler times.
By the way, do you still have the Nose Nuzzle Championship trophies?
KING ASGORE
Of course! It was my favourite event! We were always the first-prize winners. Remember our date in Waterfall? The Echo Flowers repeated our love confessions and sweet nothings across the entire field.
QUEEN TORIEL
Why yes, those cheeky Echo Flowers were chanting ‘Oh, King Fluffybuns~!’ as far as the ears can hear.
…Oops. I… I think we got carried away.
KING ASGORE
What do you mean, Tori? We--
…That is right. We are on live broadcast. I apologize for this old man’s nostalgia.
METTATON
Such sweet tales! Such ROMANCE! As expected from our fluffy Boss Monsters. Thank you for your time, Your Majesties.
Moving along, we shall go and interview--
Hmmmm? What about the second most popular question on the poll, you ask?
My beauties and gentlebeauties… that particular vein is too personal. I understand that many of you come from similar backgrounds, and thus you’re curious to see they’re working towards a happy ending.
Unfortunately, our King and Queen are not characters in a play. They have their own thoughts and feelings. I definitely don’t want to sour the feast.
Up next… For the first time in Ebott history, we’re going to have a 1-on-1 interview with the elusive Grandmaster of the Magus Association! He’s so mysterious, it’s illegal to show his face to the public! Nothing stops him from speaking, though. So here we are~
Your Excellency, what are your thoughts on this monumental day?
GRANDMASTER
I’m filled with both jubilant joy and cautious watching, a hope that’s stretched to a taut from end to end. Could this day answer the prayers of countless saints?
METTATON
I apologize, but I’m not familiar with religious speech.
LUCIDIA
Grandpa, are you teasing Mister Mettaton?
GRANDMASTER
Haha! That’s how much of a good mood I’m in.
As you have previously announced, Mister Mettaton, this is the first time that Gungnir, Magi, and Monster all dined at the same table. Not a single hint of determined killing intent here. This is fertile soil for future fellowship.
Heaven is described as a banquet for a reason. It’s more than good food, it’s also a place for communion. Man or woman, rich or poor, slave or free, human or monster: the dividers that cause us to clash will cease to exist.
What we’re witnessing today is a slice of the ideal future. To experience such while I still walk this earth… I am truly grateful.
METTATON
Now THIS is what I call lofty praise! With such a rare appearance, I’m sure the public is dying to know what makes you tick~ Please let me check the MTT Brand Auto Polling Detector.
…Yes I agree, my dashing audience! Your Excellency, the large majority wonders why your daughter addresses you as ‘Grandpa’. Shouldn’t it be ‘Father’. ‘Dad’ or ‘Papa’?
GRANDMASTER
That is indeed a fair question. You see, I have no child or spouse of my own. Lucidia’s birth parents had bestowed their daughter to me so that I may have a true heiress for House Berendin.
Since childhood she reasoned that calling me ‘Father’ would be confusing. Which father should respond to her? The adopter, or the one who birthed her? Therefore, she reasoned to address me as ‘Grandpa’ instead. I am quite the senior in age.
METTATON
Interesting! How old was your daughter back then?
GRANDMASTER
Five. She was indeed a very precocious little genius.
METTATON
A-do-ra-ble! Speaking of precocious children, what do you think about our littlest, youngest, smallest, cutest Crimson Keeper in history?
GRANDMASTER
Hmmm… the same way I will consider my dear Lucidia. Maturity and talent alone can only go so far. Complacency is the biggest danger. Mind you, I’m not speaking about Frisk resting on their laurels, although such could always happen. Rather, it’s too easy to forget that they need as much love and care as any other child. Neglect not a budding genius, lest they wither and fall.
With that said, Frisk’s current social network is truly a blessing. Few could claim that they have this many close friends who’d risk life and limb for their sake. I pray that all of you will preserve this fellowship moving forward.
Hmm, come to think of it… My daughter once mentioned that Papyrus had coined a rather charming term: ‘The Golden Quiche’. I do find it to be quite an apt description. A quiche looks humble, but if it’s made of solid gold it bears all the weight and value of a bullion.
PAPYRUS
T-THE…. THE GRANDMASTER AGREES WITH ME?!?!?!
OF COURSE, BECAUSE I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS. I’M A WEALTH OF GOOD IDEAS, NYEH HEH HEH!
GRANDMASTER
Indeed, indeed. Stay pure and keep your wits about you, young Seer. It takes clear eyes to see past the darkness.
METTATON
Thank you for your wisdom, Your Excellency! I promise that your advice won’t go to waste.
To my beauties behind the screen, this is the time for you to submit your last burning question to this elusive personality. We shall see what the polls tally up!
…Well then, we have quite an intellectual crowd today! The top question reads: ‘What’s the most interesting thing you’ve seen or heard?’
GRANDMASTER
The most interesting? The ‘Undertale’ event, for sure. It was not through scheming or plotting that The Barrier was broken, rather it was by the friendship of youths. Love is what brings true change in the end.
The next most interesting would be whatever my son-in-law does, day in, day out. Who else can claim to battle a titan, turn young, emerge victorious, and march straight to a feast?
METTATON
Ooooooooh my, look at all these QUESTIONS! The MTT Brand Auto Polling Detector is going C-R-A-Z-Y!!!
MEZIL
Hmph. Father, don’t bring any more needless attention to me.
GRANDMASTER
Too late, my dear son. You’ve already stirred the hornet’s nest.
AIDEN
Mister Mettaton, ignore their pointless questions. I must confront The Vampire right now, with your audience as witnesses.
Why did you save my son? Don’t you hate us Gungnir? Don’t you hate my kind?
DAYTON
Oh my god, Dad. Please stop.
NITON
Indrakupti chul chul chul… Yila ampunni uppa ku…
PAPYRUS
NO FIGHTING AT THE DINNER TABLE, PLEASE! IT’S BASIC MANNERS!
METTATON
Oh my~~~ look at the time! This podcast took waaaay longer than expected! Beauties and gentlebeauties, let’s leave the guests to finish up their dinner in peace. Just know we’ll be back after a short commercial break---
AIDEN
No!
(SLAM) (ZAP)
Stay on air!
METTATON
Eep! Stray sparks alert!! Stray sparks alert!!!
AIDEN
…………………
Mister Mettaton. Oracle. Sons. You misunderstand. I’m not trying to pick a fight with The Vampire. Instead, I want to listen to what he has to say in his very own words. I also believe he has a vested interest in having his voice heard, free from the second-hand interpretations of reporters.
METTATON
…I-is that fine with you, Judge Thyme?
MEZIL
Yes. Aiden is right: it’s a rare opportunity for me as well. Go ahead, Aratet.
AIDEN
Again, Vampire: Why did you save my son? Don’t you hate Gungnir? Don’t you hate my kind? Be as brutally honest as you need to be. I want you to present the contents of your heart.
MEZIL
If such is what you request, then I shall oblige.
My answer is this: I don’t hate your kind or The Gungnir itself. What I hate are the destructive ideals you claim to represent.
Warrior cultures.
Nihilism.
Witch hunts.
Violent revolutions.
These are all fancy names of the same vein: the glorification of chaos and death. Anarchy. Mob rule.
I’ll give you an example. South of here was a country who revolted against the aristocrats. They built the guillotine. Chopped off the heads of men, women, and children on the mere account of class: all in hopes for a better, fairer future.
Did it stop there? No. It continued. When all the nobles met their end, they turned against themselves. Anyone who did not unanimously worship the same ideal met the same bloody end. Not even the original revolutionists escaped from the execution machine.
The dream of breaking the heavy yokes of their masters turned into a nightmare of blood, ash, and cinders. So terrible was the chaos, they were forced to crown the most charismatic man they could find as their new king. Their family lives to this day as a figurehead: a symbol of peace that kept the chaos at bay.
In the end, nothing had changed. The rebellion achieved only rampant destruction.
AIDEN
Vampire, I can’t help but think that’s a proclamation made from cushy comfort.
Strength is everything in this world. Might makes right. Without it, no one you love will survive. The weak can’t help anyone. This is true, from the smallest fields to the largest nations.
Is it a sin to be realistic?
MEZIL
Ask yourself then, what defines true ‘might’? Brawn? Riches? Influence? Then, what about true ‘right’?
Is ‘right’ having the ability to defend the land?
Is ‘right’ having the ability to slay hundreds of thousands?
Is ‘right’ having the ability to sway whole societies to turn a blind eye?
If any of this fulfils your definition, then it’s hypocritical to condemn genocide. This concept of ‘might’ only serves to bring victory to violent conquerors, allowing them to convert others to their single-minded definition of ‘right’, no matter the cost.
To the ignorant, ‘justice’ equates to ‘convenience’. They sing lofty praises if it benefits their desires, cry foul if it hinders their plans. They do not care about anyone outside of their scope.
Generation after generation, humanity perpetuates this cycle of kill or be killed. That, Aratet, is what I truly hate. The Gungnir helped no one by promoting their worship of vague strength.
AIDEN
…Haven’t you done the same? How can you say your conscience is clean?
MEZIL
It’s not. Do you really think I’m happy with that?
If I could meet my younger self, I would have condemned him just the same. He -- like the majority of youth -- had no faith in the path of life. That nihilistic fool glorified destruction as the be-all-end-all, and therefore reaped the heartbreak he sowed.
To tell you the truth, we’re here solely because of Papyrus. If that young Seer had foretold the arrival of this day, we would have scoffed at him for being a hopelessly naive fool. Considered his thoughts as insignificant vapors of saccharine idealism.
Yet, we are the ones now shamed by our own jaded cynicism. This lack of faith… is the true definition of weakness.
AIDEN
You’re fairer than the rumours say.
MEZIL
I do my best. However, I too am not immune to human trappings.
METTATON
Well.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Do my electronic ears deceive me? A mutual understanding between enemies of a thousand years? You’ve heard what I’ve heard, darlings! This truly is The Feast of Fantasy! And it’s all thanks to The Great Papyrus!
Oh? What did you say? He should win ‘The World Peace Prize’? What is that? I’ve never heard of it.
…Ooooh I see now! Yes, I agree with you beautiful beautifuls a 1000%! He should definitely be granted that medal for his historic efforts!
PAPYRUS
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I’M HONOURED. AND PRETTY SCARED.
METTATON
At long last, we’ve reached a satisfactory conclusion to our tale. We shall now take a short commercial break! Stay tuned for more post-dinner specials: starting with Captain Undyne’s record-breaking attempt to bench press 17 adult humans! Maybe she’ll even try for more~~~
UNDYNE
HECK YEAH!!
METTATON
See you soon, darlings~!