The very second Lorelei returned to the quiet of the library, her anger dissipated and she was overwhelmed by crushing guilt. The way she treated Rish was too much! The condemning face of her friend haunted her as she threw her papers on the table and massaged her temples.
It was just one encounter. An innocent breakfast. And she definitely was glad she was spared the pleasure of dining together with her family. Then why, at that moment, did she feel the urge to slap Pricilla hard enough to loosen her teeth? The stares! It was definitely the stares her sister was giving Noah. Like a hungry hyena. A vixen in a chicken coop. A snake, twisting around its victim with a mesmerizing hiss before sinking its teeth into the helpless prey. The glee and hunger in the familiar gaze, hidden under shy lashes; the triumphant smirk twisting those rosy lips, masked as a shy smile; the masterful half-truths and blatant lies rolling like honey from Pricilla’s tongue - she had seen end experienced them all before and should have gotten used to them long ago. But knowing their target this time made everything different.
She took a ledger and held it blankly for a few moments before throwing it on the table with a bang. Grabbing another one, it almost faced the same fate as its predecessor, but Lorelei stopped mid-motion, her nails digging in the soft leather cover. It was nearly unbearable to fight the urge to scream as the faces of her sister and her dear husband danced before her eyes. The depth of her own emotions surprised Lorelei. Seeing Noah today had made her feel completely different than during any of their previous encounters. Maybe it was due to the storm of emotions that had been plaguing her recently. Maybe it was due to her beginning to grasp her own feelings towards that dark, broody, self-sacrificing man; that insufferable, noble fool. Or maybe it was just the thought of Pricilla lusting after something of hers.
Something of hers?
Lorelei stared blindly at the rows of bookshelves. Since when had she begun seeing Noah as… hers? But it was true. Although her mind rebelled, her heart told her it was the right feeling. It was right, and yet it was so wrong! If simply seeing him dining with Pricilla resulted in such a reaction, what would she do when Noah married Marzbane Ilmaz?!
The thought petrified Lorelei. He was going to share not only meals with the Marzbane but also… his bed. He was going to spend every night with her, his arms holding her tight as his warmth seeped through her skin, his mouth exploring every inch of her body, his lips whispering her name and showering her with kisses. He was going to unite with her and make her the mother of his children.
As the vivid images flooded Lorelei’s mind, the small, faceless figure of Ilmaz slowly acquired Pricilla’s features. Her stomach turned and she swayed, but her imagination was running free.
Ilmaz was going to stand proudly at Noah’s side, while all that was left for her was lurking in the shadows. Was he even going to keep her by his side? What if he learned about what her perverted brother had done and saw her as dirty? And even if the secret never came out, what was the chance that he wouldn’t push her away for other reasons?
Noah’s mother was a concubine. One his father preferred over his legal wife. As a result, his mother was killed and Noah himself was targeted like a wild animal. Would he willingly tread in his father’s footsteps and have a relationship with her despite being married? Even if she was barren, would that quell his guilt and Ilmaz’s anger?
And if Noah chose to keep her by his side, wouldn’t she be replaced by Ilmaz in a few years anyway? The Marzbane was younger than her. By the time Noah had gotten tired of her body, Ilmaz would have reached the age to share his bed. Then he could have a young wife and get rid of the useless old lover. Lorelei had seen exactly this once too often while working with Master Levi - honorable wives and lowly lovers, all reaching the zenith of their youth and beauty, coming to the physician for help. They were seeking the secrets of his art, not shying from demanding even dangerous and illegal substances, and willing to kill just for a jar of salve or a potion that would keep the creeping age away for a couple more years. But it seldomly helped as there were plenty of young wives and lovers ready to take their place.
Her father was like that too. Even when the Countess was still alive, he was more willing to indulge his lust with the new maids than with a ‘worn-out, old’ woman, as he sometimes called her when drunk. The Countess was barely twenty-nine when she died. Her father had a new woman in his bed while his wife’s corpse was still warm.
“No!” Lorelei squeezed through her teeth and had to support herself with both hands on the table.
Noah wasn’t like this! He was a man of honor and integrity. Someone who was devoted to friends and family, not seeing them as expendable.
“And isn’t this just as much of a problem?” whispered her lips as if having a will of their own.
Yes. His yearning for a family was a problem. She had seen him act around Shana, and the girl wasn’t even his flesh and blood. When Ilmaz gave him an heir, he would finally be happy and have a perfect family of his own. What place could a barren concubine have in this picture?
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“Then just don’t take the Bitter Water,” she mumbled and grabbed for her waistpouch. Through the thin leather, she could feel the hard shape of that dreaded vial. A few heartbeats later, her fingers loosened their grip.
No. Should she have Noah’s child, she would do everything to take Marzbane Ilmaz’s place. Today, she had a small taste of her darkest feelings. She already knew that seeing another woman next to Noah would make her mad. And should she bear his child…
Lorelei didn’t allow her thoughts to continue. The path they were taking was so dark and scary that she was disgusted by her own being. She didn’t want to tread this path.
“It’s never pleasant seeing the reflection of your true self.”
She sighed and started roaming amongst the bookshelves, pulling a tome or a parchment roll from time to time and blankly staring at the beautiful letters in search of… Inner peace? Consolation? A solution to all her problems? And yet, this time, her friends were mute.
During her stroll, a low, scratching noise reached her ears. It was reminiscent of the nibbling of a mouse, but Lorelei knew better than anyone else with what vigor Stone-face William led the war against such pests in his beloved temple of knowledge. Listening more carefully, the sound seemed like someone’s nails were scraping on a wooden surface.
Completely engulfed by the new mystery, Lorelei pushed her qualms to the back of her head. They were unsolvable for now anyway, so she readily embraced this new distraction. She crept forward carefully, following the sound until she reached a small niche in one of the side walls. A reading table and a thin-legged stool were placed inside the niche, and currently, a hunched figure occupied them. For a split second, Lorelei didn’t recognize Castor Firmon as the pale, dark-clad person flipping through the pages of a large tome. His profile looked unnaturally sharp and dark rings rimmed his eyes. While he was skimming through the tome, the nails of his left hand were scraping against the table in a repeated motion that reminded Loreley of the caged animals on the market that were trying to break free from their confinement.
With the mystery resolved, Lorelei politely coughed to attract the youth’s attention. In a heartbeat, Castor jumped in his seat and frantically looked around, his eyes - glassy with fear.
“Forgive me for startling you, Young Master Castor.” Lorelei smiled placatingly and closed the distance between them. “Would you mind sharing with me what you are reading? I’m on the lookout for a good book.”
“D-duchess!” The young man shook and tried to hide deeper into the niche. “I… Good day. I… can’t help you today. I’m sorry. I need to go!”
“Are you alright?” Lorelei eyed the beads of sweat rimming his temples. “Did something happen?”
She reached out, touching his hand.
With a short cry, Castor pulled back, crashing into the wall of the niche. His face twisted with fear and pain, his eyes darting around in search of escape. This reaction stunned Lorelei and she instinctively stepped back.
Like a released arrow, Castor sprang past her.
“Sorry,” he mumbled over his shoulder. “I’m really sorry. I need to go. Kush-turgan Akasha… I have work. I’m sorry.”
And with that, he disappeared between the shelves. A few moments later, the library door slammed behind him.
Left alone, Lorelei frowned confused, her heart racing a bit. She turned around and entered the niche, her nostrils twitching slightly as a familiar smell lingered in the air. Leaning over the table, she saw a few splinters and a row of red gashes dug in the wood. Her stomach cramped and her frown deepened. Castor didn’t look injured, but this amount of blood was far from enough to leave such a strong smell behind.
Her gaze trailed from the scratch marks to the opened tome. Flying through the lines, she realized it was one of the books of the Holy Scripture. “The Book of Eternal Light”, to be exact. Her eyes followed the verses and syllable by syllable, her whole body grew cold.
‘Erring is the flesh for it is a creation of the mundane - clay shaped by Father Norn in His infinite strive to create. But fleeting is this mortal shell, meant to return to the wheel of Norn and be reshaped into new creations. And weak is this mortal shell, for it is bound to this world, and bound to the plague of desires.
Desires gnaw at the flesh, rotting it into a vessel for corruption, unfit to hold the brilliance of My creation. And should the rot and fester reach to the very core of the perfect gem of My gift, of the pure and innocent soul, it corrupts it, and twists it, and brings madness, depravity, and eternal damnation.
And here are the vile desires and their stain, and should one fall for them, one must seek penance in body and soul to cleanse the impure and return the soul and its vessel to their original glory:
Should your flesh be engulfed by flames of madness, your humors boiling and restless at the glimpse of another; and should you crave someone else's flesh to quell said fire, you are two steps away from sin. Repent you shall. And should you nurture your desire, by stolen looks, or lucid thoughts, you are a step away from sin. Repent you shall. And should you follow your craving and make dreams come true, and rapture another vessel’s purity, disregarding laws both godly and mundane, both written ones and ones of moral, then you are committing sin. Repent you shan’t, until you break the festering vessel by your own hand and rebuild it with blood and tears as Father Norn has intended for it to be. For only in a healthy vessel can a healthy soul thrive.
Those who escape penance shall face eternal damnation.’
Clasping both hands over her mouth, Lorelei heaved and tried to control her shaking body. These were just words. Teachings of one of many gods. She wasn’t… This didn’t mean that what she felt was… No!
With all the strength she could muster, Lorelei slammed the tome shut, the thud reverberating through the empty library. Like a mountain echo, the bang of the door entered her ringing ears, followed by the abrasive squeal of Pricilla’s laughter.