As she entered the room, Lorelei stood at the door for a while, unable to take even a step further. Her heart was drumming so loudly in her chest that she was sure everyone could hear it. Some distance away was a familiar large desk with a familiar dark figure hunched over it. The sound of a pen scribbling over paper didn’t seize even for a moment and neither did Noah lift his head. Peeking from the back of his chair was the hilt of a sword – a confirmation of Feste’s statement that the Beast of The North was always on guard.

After a minute of silence, her husband finally grumbled in a low voice:

“If you aren’t going to state your business, get out and stop wasting my time.”

“I… am sorry…” Lorelei whispered so weakly that it was doubtful he even heard her. But he did.

The moment the words left her lips, Noah lifted his head abruptly and couldn’t hide his bewilderment. He rubbed his eyes and for a split second both exchanged awkward glares.

“L-Lorelei? I… I didn’t mean to be so rude.”

“I disturbed the lord’s work. Forgive me.”

“No, it’s fine.” Noah stood up and approached her but then abruptly stopped a pace away.

Lorelei could see his hesitation and knew exactly how he felt. The same insecurity and guilt were clawing at her own heart right at this moment. In his gray eyes, she could read a thousand questions he wanted to ask but didn’t dare to. As the silence was becoming unbearable, he opened his mouth but this time, she was faster.

“I came to apologize,” she said, trying to suppress the tremble in her voice. “I know my words hurt you but I hope you can forgive me.”

“What are you talking about?" Noah sounded confused.

“Marzbane Ilmaz,” whispered Lorelei and fidgeted a bit. “What I said about you two, about you taking her even though she is still a child… I offended Your Highness. I know that a simple apology won’t be enough but…”

“Enough, my lady!”

The gentleness in his words shook her more than if he had yelled. She looked at him but there was not even a sign of anger in his eyes. Noah’s fingers combed through his hair and he shook his head.

“You came here in the middle of the night just for this, Lady Lorelei?”

“Yes… No…” she fidgeted again and averted her gaze. His next words, however, made her glare back at him.

“It was unnecessary. Such a trivial matter…”

“Trivial matter?” Lorelei couldn’t stop her outburst as her heart stung. “To you maybe it is but to me, apologizing for my mistakes is in no way a trivial matter, Duke Norden!”

“You’ve misunderstood me, my lady.” Noah tried to placate her. “What I meant was… You didn’t need to apologize in the first place. I was the one who overreacted. There is no need to apologize for my shortcomings.”

Lorelei stared blankly at him. Was he joking? She had seen how much her words had hurt him. Why was he throwing away his feelings as if they didn’t matter?

“Why are you… always…?” she mumbled.

“Pardon me, my lady, did you say-?”

“Why are you always trying to take the blame?!”

Lorelei shouted and her hand holding the ointment container trembled. A little voice in her head was screaming that what she was doing right now was disrespectful to the husband, and even more so to the duke, standing before her. Still, she ignored it. It didn’t matter anyway. How much worse could the situation get? Would he hit her? Chase her away? Throw her out of the castle? She had prepared for this already. She had sworn to follow Master Levi’s teachings and live without regrets, and, right now, remaining silent would be something to regret. Just like when she talked to the Bishop or Nelini, something in her snapped.

“Why are you always like that?” Not caring about the consequences, she stepped forward and stood right before the startled Noah. “You blamed yourself for the Red Hands’ doings. You blamed yourself for William’s schemes. For Lady Shana’s tantrums. For Lady Nelini’s plots. And now, even for me offending you due to my own stupidity and big mouth! Why don’t you let people take responsibility when they are at fault? Why are you always burdening yourself with others’ crimes? Even a steel sword will break after being hit repeatedly. And you are just human!”

“You… You…” For a moment, her husband was speechless. “Do you want to apologize that badly?”

“Yes!”

Out of nowhere, Noah bent down and grabbed her left hand, planting a kiss on it.

“Then I have no other choice but to accept your sentiments, dear wife.”

Lorelei felt her face burning. She weakly tried to pull her fingers away but Noah kept them hostage and just gave her a smile.

“You are such a strange person, Lady Lorelei. I’ve never had someone scold me while claiming responsibility for hurting my feelings. And in a nightgown in the middle of my study at midnight at that. So carefree! What if a beast were to corner you and eat you up?”

“T-hat…” Lorelei stuttered and lost her composure for a bit, despite knowing that his teasing was revenge for her brazen remark just now. “I am lucky that there are no beasts around under my lord’s protection.”

“Lucky? Well, you might be right.” Noah laughed and there were some sparks in his eyes. He let go of her hand only to grab the shawl that had slid down her shoulders and tuck it under her chin. Then he suddenly changed the subject. “Your fingers are cold. Have a seat and I’ll give you something warm to drink.”

“I should get going.” The burning in Lorelei’s cheeks intensified. “It is already so late and I’ve disturbed you long enough.”

“It would be rude to send my dear duchess on her way to her room without at least offering some hospitality.” Noah’s hand carefully touched her back as he gently ushered her towards one of the two chairs standing before the dimming fireplace. “Besides, if you really feel that guilty and want to atone for your sin, you can’t refuse, my lady.”

Lorelei pouted but still followed his guidance with little resistance. She sat in the chair and huddled in the shawl, her gaze – never losing track of Noah’s movements. Her husband poked the dying fire and fed it a new log. Lorelei was surprised how calm and gentle he looked in the short moment when the lively yellow flames lit his face, before turning around and going to a nearby crate. A second later he returned with a bottle, two plain wooden cups, and a small pouch. Sitting on the chair next to her, Noah took two polished black stones out of the pouch and carefully put them between the crackling flames. His actions puzzled Lorelei but she remained silent, not wanting to disturb his peaceful concentration. After a few minutes of staring into the fire, Noah uncorked the bottle and poured a bit of dark-red liquid into the cups. Lorelei’s sensitive nose caught the fragrance of berries and some unknown herbs and her curiosity grew. She watched as her husband took the fireplace tongues and carefully put one hot stone into each cup. Bubbling and hissing filled the air and the aroma of wild fruits intensified.

“You cooked me tea over a candle,” said Noah and handed her a steaming cup, “now is my turn to surprise you.”

“And you did!” Lorelei studied the dark-red liquid with sparkling eyes. “What’s this?”

“It’s bibir – a local drink made with blackberry wine, honey, and an herb called feverfew. The Binshi use it as both medicine and a casual drink.”

“Medicine?” Lorelei perked up. “For what ailments? I have never heard about feverfew before.”

“As the name says – fevers,” Noah readily replied. “But it is also good against headaches, and it boosts the appetite.”

“Oh, and combined with the blackberry wine and honey that are good for sore throat, it must be highly effective against colds!” Lorelei beamed with excitement. “I really need to have a better look at Binshi medicine. There are so many new herbs here in Norden that I know nothing about.”

“If you wish, I will talk with elder Marishka. She is the best healer in the Wolf Mountain tribe. I think the two of you are kindred spirits.”

“Will you really do that, my lord?”

“Of course. It’s nothing much.”

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“Thank you so much, my lord!”

Lorelei could hardly contain her happiness. Seeing that Noah was looking at her, she lowered her head and studied the drink in her cup. There were still small bubbles climbing to the surface and streaks of steam lingered over dark-red liquid.

“And this bibir is then heated by the hot stone in the cup?”

“Yes, it intensifies the flavor.” Noah hesitated for a moment. “I hope it isn’t too repulsive.”

“It’s genius!” She took a small sip without waiting for him to have the customary first taste. Their gazes crossed again and she smiled at his confusion and subsequent realization.

“Cooking with stones is again a local thing,” Noah said, looking relieved and becoming chattier than usual. “The Binshi are mostly nomadic people, so carrying a lot of iron utensils like pots and kettles is a bother. With a few hot stones, one can prepare a soup or a stew even in a deerskin.”

“Fascinating! Have you eaten a dish like that?”

“Of course,” he nodded and his eyes became distant. “Yanosh and Orhana brought me hunting into the Wild Lands a couple of times. I can still remember Gerash throwing a tantrum the first time I was supposed to help prepare the food since I undercooked it. Back then, he was a little rascal, nothing to do with the prim and proper knight you know.”

“He was lucky to have a good master,” said Lorelei and took another sip of the sweet wine.

“I doubt that.” Noah shook his head and his face clouded. “Considering all the times he almost lost his life because of me, I would say that the poor chap has been rather unlucky.”

“You really are someone who can’t even take a compliment!”

“In that, we are similar, my wife.”

“I would refrain from commenting.”

The two looked at each other and exchanged smirks. Lorelei sipped on her wine and savored its warmth and fruity taste. Whether it was because of the drink or the fire, she felt relaxed. She tilted her head looking at Noah and the words left her lips on their own.

“I missed talking to Your Highness. Like we did on our way here.”

“And what have we been doing for the past three months?” her husband threw her a good-natured jab.

“Quarreling and apologizing mainly.”

“This… is true.” Noah rubbed his neck. “To be honest, I also miss our nights on the ship. It might sound strange but you, my lady, are the first person I’ve had a casual conversation with in ages. Not about work, scheming, war, political movements, assassinations… just a talk about… nothing important.”

“You jest!” Lorelei was about to laugh but then saw how serious his face had become. “But there are Sir Duncan, Sir Gregor, Sir William, Lady Nelini, surely you-”

“But it is true.” He put his cup at the foot of the chair and rested his elbows on his knees. “Even now… I have no idea why I’m telling you all this.”

“Master always says that it is easier to open up to strangers than to people you love.”

“And where is the logic in this?” Noah frowned. “Who would trust a stranger?”

“Well, if you hurt a stranger with your words it would be less painful for both parties than if they were friends or loved ones.”

For a brief moment, silence hung in the air. Then, very quietly, Noah asked:

“In that case, are we strangers, my lady?”

“I…” She froze, unable to say no and unwilling to say yes. “Truthfully, I know very little about you.”

“What more is there to know about a blood-covered beast?” The previous joy and playfulness disappeared from Noah’s face, replaced by a deprecating smirk.

“You do it again!” Lorelei clenched the medicine box in her lap. “Why are you demeaning yourself? Always taking the blame and painting yourself the villain!”

“But it is what I am.”

“No!” She wanted the grab him by the shoulders and shake him back to his previous self. Seeing him so distraught was scary. “You are the noblest person I know! You protected me from my brother and stood up against my father, even though I was a shackle meant to pull you down. You were willing to save Kai and Anuk’s father despite them being simple beggars and strangers. You risked your life and saved me from the Red Hands. You were ready to die for Sir Gregor and the twins.”

“You don’t understand!” Noah sprang up and towered over her. “All of what you mentioned is my fault!”

“No, I really don't understand!” Lorelei stared at him. "Not if you don't give me an explanation."

Seeing her unwavering gaze, her husband turned around and leaned against the fireplace, his eyes – peering into the dancing flames. When he spoke again, his voice was little more than a whisper.

“I carry a death-curse, my lady. Ever since the moment I took my first breath, I bring misfortune. Because I was born, the Empress poisoned my mother and my baby-sisters still in her womb. She tried to poison me too but I survived. Then she tried to kill me again and again, so many times that I’ve lost the count.” Mocking laughter escaped his lips. “I survived every time. But because of that, other people died – maids, guards, teachers, all people I considered precious. Duncan and Neli also almost lost their lives because of me. Those two… I robbed them of their happiness. When I was sent to Norden, Duncan was forced to come with me and separated from his family. Neli too, the Emperor refused to free her and said that she will be an imperial slave for life and bound to me. She hates the cold; she can’t stand the harsh winters here but has no other choice.”

Noah’s fist landed on the mantel.

“And even after coming to Norden, I brought only chaos and destruction. I foolishly thought that I can have a fresh start. I thought that I’m allowed to have friends, be happy, start a family. But because I befriended Yanosh, because he supported me and claimed that I am the “mixed-blood” from his prophecy, the Red Hands reared their heads. Because I was careless and neglected them, Saya’s brother, Jess and Will’s sister, their spouses and children, they were all massacred. Because I was too late, I found Orhana’s cold body in the snow and the whole Star-path Valley destroyed. Yanosh breathed his last breath in my arms. They died forever, their spirits never reached the Spirit Plane. And then… then I massacred the Red Hands. Men or women, old or young, I hunted them, I killed them. I turned that naive little boy Gerash into the murderer of his own kin.”

Turning around, Noah looked at Lorelei and his eyes were red.

“Why are you crying, my lady?” he asked mockingly. “You wanted to know more about the Beast of Norden. Did I frighten you? Repulse you? Do you hate me now for dragging you into all this?”

“You know, my lord,” Lorelei sniffled and stood up, a few tears, still rolling down her cheeks, “you are a fool.”

Driven by feelings she neither could nor wanted to control, she stepped forward and hugged him. She could feel him flinch, his body tensing up at her touch, but didn’t loosen her grip.

“You never wished for any of this,” she whispered, pressing her face against his shoulder. “You didn’t wish to be born. None of this was something you could control. You are no god to command the hearts and minds of people. No one forced Lord Yanosh and Lady Orhana to be your friends. And I don’t think anyone could force Sir Duncan or Lady Nelini to serve you as they do if they didn’t want to. They do it because they love you. Stop blaming yourself.”

Noah’s arms hesitated but then wrapped around her and held her tight. She could feel his body tremble but no sound escaped his lips. Only his breathing became jagged. They stayed hugged for a while before Noah broke the silence.

“I wish… everything was different, Lorelei,” he said quietly.

“Very often what we want and what life gives us are two different things,” she replied in the same hushed tone. “It is rarely our choice but we have to learn to live with it. Despite it.”

“Is this another wisdom of Master Levi?” Noah gently pushed her away and looked in her eyes, his expression – calm and composed once more.

“This one is all mine,” she chuckled.

“Then it is worth remembering.” He sighed. “I am sorry for all my whining.”

“On the ship, you called me your friend. A friend is always ready to offer a shoulder to cry on.”

“A friend…” mumbled Noah and, all of a sudden, leaned in and planted a kiss on her forehead.

It burned! Lorelei felt heat spreading from the spot where the kiss landed all throughout her body. Her breathing fastened. Finally, it dawned on her in what kind of position they were – hugging, alone, in the middle of the night. Yet, she had nothing against it. With some bewilderment, she realized that right now she was willing to give him anything he wished for unconditionally.

With reluctance, Noah let go of her and took a step back.

“You are very wise, Lady Lorelei,” he said, avoiding her puzzled gaze. “What we want is seldomly what we get. There are wishes and then there is duty. You helped me find closure on a difficult matter. Therefore, I hope, as audacious as it might sound, that when the time comes for us to separate, I will be spared the loss of another dear and wise friend.”

Lorelei stood there, looking at him. Her heart was bleeding and she cursed herself for her selfish desires. Indeed, wishes and reality were two separate things and this applied to both dukes and bastards. There was a wall between them and they were only allowed to hold hands through the smallest of gaps. If her gaze was not so clouded, she might have seen the excruciating pain deep in Noah’s eyes. Instead, she blinked her tears away and smiled brightly.

“I will be Your Highness’ friend for as long as you need me.”

She bent down and picked up the medicine container that had rolled on the carpet. It was time to say goodbye. She put the salve in his hand, savoring the fleeting moment when their fingers touched. From now on, this was all she could allow herself.

“I almost forgot to give you this, my lord. It is the medicine for your face."

“Thank you,” he said, carefully holding the salve and still trying to avoid meeting her eyes.

"It's nothing much, just a gift from a friend." Lorelei huddled in her shawl, now feeling the night chill even stronger than before. "Please, take care of your health and apply it regularly."

"I will."

"I... must go back now, my lord. It is getting really late.”

“I should escort you to your room.”

“There is no need. I will ask Lady Dederi to accompany me if that is alright with you.”

“Of course, my duchess.”

He escorted her to the door, wished her goodnight, and looked after her until the two with Dederi disappeared behind the corner.

Returning to the fireplace, Noah slumped in a chair with a low curse. His fingers played with the small medicine box while his thoughts wandered some dark and desolate paths. It had been so close. He had almost lost all reason and taken her there and then. The warmth of her embrace still lingered on his body. Her words had been so gentle, almost like a healing light to his wounded soul. He wanted to hear her voice more. To see her laugh. To hold her proudly in his embrace for everyone to see. But did she want that too? For a moment it had seemed so. But maybe it was the effect of the wine. Maybe he had misinterpreted her friendship and kindness for something else due to his own selfish desires. He didn’t want to let her go; he didn’t want to hurt her – two wishes that were self-contradictory tore at his heart. He had therefore chosen a middle path. An excruciating one where he could neither go too close nor stay too far away. A friend – that was the safest relationship they could have. But would he be able to keep the boundaries between them?

Digging beneath his collar, Noah pulled out a leather strap where two tear-shaped amulets hung side by side – one white like fresh snow, the other – a piece of the starry sky. He carefully planted a kiss on the white pendant and his shaking voice echoed in the empty room.

“All-mighty Fathers, Mother Above, what should I do? I don’t want to lose her. ”