The moment she uttered those words, Lorelei regretted it. She couldn’t comprehend why she even mentioned her grievance to Kash-baba! The Binshi was little more than a stranger. But there was something in the old shaman that encouraged one to open up, some benign, grandmotherly aura that reassured you that you can entrust her with all your deepest troubles and would in return receive a hug and a solution for all of your problems.

The gale from the fjord whispered in Lorelei’s ear, telling her to confide in the old woman, to seek her wisdom in the hope of finding a way through her current predicament. And yet, she couldn’t. To talk about the complicated relationship between her and Noah with a third party was something she could never do. Speaking with her would be a betrayal of trust, propriety, and common sense. One wrong word could dishonor Noah, herself, and the whole Norden household, and be used as a weapon against the ducal authority. And could one really call what she and Noaha had a relationship? It was a string of nebulous signs, suppressed desires, shy gazes, awkward conversations, and even more awkward touches. But they had never confessed their feelings to each other. How could she be sure that Neli was telling the truth and Noah really loved her?

‘But last night he… he definitely…’

The memory made her burn and shiver at the same time. She felt Kash-baba’s rough hand on her palm and the shaman’s calm voice came riding on the treacherous wind.

“Are you sick, child?”

“No. I… I’m sorry. I just… have a lot on my mind. I’m sorry to bother you with nonsense.”

“When the soul is burdened, it is a shaman’s call to guide it back to the light. And it is a mother’s call to help a mother in distress. So you can say I have a double calling in your case.”

“I’m not a mother though,” said Lorelei, giving the old woman a glance.

“Well, you do have little Shana-”

“No!” Lorelei blurted out and immediately stiffened, realizing that she had almost screamed at the Binshi. “Shana… We are not related by blood.”

“And neither is the little duke, but you’d hardly find a more devoted father.” The old shaman puffed a couple of smoke circles toward the sky. “I believe that by now you should have learned that family is not always defined by blood.”

“So is it bad to wish for a child of my own?” Lorelei surrendered and gave her mouth a free rein.

“Mir-Mama, no! Every new life is a miracle to rejoice.”

“Even if it is destined to suffer? Even if the child’s life will be filled with constant danger?” Lorelei bit her lips. “Is it worth bringing a child into this world if there would be only darkness awaiting it?”

“Oh, my dear,” Kash-baba gently patted her hand, “I don’t know what happened to you to see this world as such a dark and desolate place. But there is light even in the deepest night. And really, you can know true happiness only after you’ve known the bitterness of despair.”

“How can you say that? Can you stay true to your words even after knowing what people like the Duke and Shana have been through? The pain, the loss, the constant shadow of death…”

“You see them as miserable?”

“I do.” Lorelei hugged her knees and propped her head on them. “If they weren’t born, they wouldn’t have experienced such sadness.”

“But also not the happiness and love they were given.” Kash-baba played with her pipe looking at Anuk and the other youths splashing in the water. “All the good and the bad, the pain and the joy, you can experience them only when alive. That’s why spirits thirst for the Mortal Realm, for a human body that can allow them to feel… well, anything. But when all is said and done, the verdict whether a life has been a good or a bad one falls on one’s deathbed.”

“So… I should just trust and hope?” Lorelei shook her head. “Hope that my child doesn’t despise me for giving birth to it?”

“Well, you can put it like that.” The old shaman gave her a meaningful look. “In the end, we can only bring a child into this world and provide it with love and guidance. But what a person does with their life is up to them..”

“Sometimes you don’t have a say, a choice about what happens to your life… or your body.”

“Oh, you always have a choice. It’s just that sometimes it’s quite an unpleasant and difficult one.”

The old shaman’s words made Lorelei shudder. They reminded her of Orhana and the silver dream world. It left a bitter taste in her mouth.

“But if you are having so much doubt,” Kash-baba’s voice invaded her thoughts again, “then it’s simple. Don’t have a child.”

“Simple?” Lorelei laughed sadly. “I’m the Duchess of Norden. Aren’t I obliged by law and custom to continue the ducal bloodline?”

“Little Noah isn’t someone who will force you to bear his child against your will. But I’m sure you know that already.”

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“I… do.” Lorelei peered into the horizon. The knot in her heart tightened. “But… what if I’m greedy and selfish and wish to have a child for my own benefit despite everything?”

“What do you mean?”

“What you hear. I know that should I have a child with the Duke, it will be in constant danger by both the Imperial Family and the Red Hands. I realize that I’m unfit to be a mother, after all, I’ve never known what it is to have a real family. And… I know that there is a chance that… I won’t see my child growing up. But despite it all… I want to have a child with him, a piece of me… of us that will continue to live even after we are gone. What if I wish to have a child to inherit my will and my memory; to fulfill my purpose as a woman and give meaning to my life? Is… Isn’t this selfish?”

“Oh, my dear girl!” Kash-baba wrapped her arm around Lorelei’s shoulder, her old body exuding unexpected warmth. “You are wrecking your mind with too many ‘if-s’ and ‘maybe-s’. We mortals are created selfish, we desire to live, love, and be remembered. But, as strange as it sounds, it is selfishness and desire that drive the world and create beauty and happiness. The fear of death and being forgotten is natural. The desire for immortality through our offspring is what sustains the existence of all living beings.”

The old Binshi brushed the moisture from the corner of Lorelei’s eyes and gave her a toothless smile.

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you, but I have twelve children.”

“T-twelve?!” Lorelei gaped at her, momentarily forgetting her plights.

“Yes. I gave birth to seven of them. The other five I brought to this world and took care of after their parents died. But despite that, all twelve are indisputably mine, because each and every one of them carries a piece of my heart and soul.”

“What does this have to do with-”

“Let me finish, my dear.” The old shaman sighed and her tone became more somber. “You call yourself selfish for wanting a child to symbolize your love and continue your legacy. This I can understand and applaud. But why do you think that your only purpose in life as a woman is to have someone’s child?”

Lorelei blinked at her. The question was somehow valid and yet so incomprehensible.

“I… We are taught that the greatest virtue and happiness for a woman is to raise a family. That a barren womb is the greatest punishment by the Heavens for our worldly transgressions. Even in the Holy Scriptures of the Two Fathers, it is said: ‘Thus we created the woman - a fertile soil to nurture the seed and bear the fruit of life. And she shall rejoice in glory, for We have given her the most important of tasks - to multiply our children and nurture them, and shield them from harm. Blessed be a mother, for there is no greater virtue in Our eyes, than to devote to the most precious task of conceiving and raising life.’”

“Bah, those high-strung gods of yours seem to forget that you need two to make a baby,” quipped Kash-baba. “Listen, little-one, bearing a child is a gift and a privilege given us by the gods. But even if you don’t bear one, it doesn’t mean that you are of lesser value or a useless woman. Do you mean to tell me that if I had only had my adopted children, I wouldn’t be worth anything?”

“No.”

“And do you think that Nelini is a worthless existence?”

“No...” Lorelei lowered her head.

“And what about the nuns in your Church? What about the two Pure Orders that accept women, what did you call them… the Sisters of Dawn and Sisters of Twilight? Are they too lesser beings? Because, as far as I’ve heard, they swear an oath of celibacy.”

“N-no, but they serve the Two Gods and need to be pure…”

“But you just said that your gods demand every woman to perpetuate life. So they are going against a godly decree.”

“I… don’t know…” Lorelei was startled by the fire and fervor of Kash-baba’s theological arguments.

“Then let me ask you, if Noah never had children of his blood, would that make his life less worth living?”

“But he has a duty as the Duke-”

“I’m asking you about the person, not the office. Would having no blood-related offspring make his time on this earth meaningless?”

“No.”

“Why so? He would have wasted his ‘seed’ not using the ‘fertile soil’ provided by a woman. Isn’t he just as guilty of ignoring your gods’ demands as a woman would be?”

“I… don’t know.”

“You do, but you don’t want to acknowledge it.”

Lorelei buried her face in her knees, but the old Binshi’s words still reached her.

“Whether you have a child now, in ten months, in ten years, or never, doesn’t define your worth. There are people who never had the chance or ability to leave an offspring, but who have, for better or worse, changed the world. Motherhood is just a part of you, and giving birth - a small fraction of it. To guide, teach, protect, share experiences, joy, and sadness, all this isn’t meant only for the bundle of flesh you’ve pressed out of your womb. Do you understand?”

She understood.

From the depths of her memory, Lorelei recalled a conversation she once had with Master Levi when she was about eleven years old.

‘Teacher, do you have children?’

‘Oh, I do. I think it should be more than two hundred.’

‘Two hundred! But you said you didn’t have a wife! Teacher, did you do nasty things with ladies in some dark alleys?’

‘Goodness! Who taught you such dirty words, you little rascal! No. I didn’t do the nasties… well… I mean… I was careful… Never mind. What I mean is that I have over two hundred students.’

‘But those aren’t your children.’

‘Oh, but they are. In Shareeba we say that if you are a teacher for even a day, you remain a father for a lifetime.’

Rubbing her face and taking a deep breath, Lorelei gave Kash-baba a strong hug.

“Thank you!” she whispered. “Thank you… for everything.”

“If all you needed was some nagging, you are welcome.” The old woman patted her back. Then her voice suddenly became serious. “Allow me some final advice, child. Whatever decision you make, now or in the future, don’t be hasty. Sometimes it is better to wait until the last possible minute. Who knows, life might provide you with new insights and opportunities that can influence your decision.”