As much as I had intended to go into the arena with Ivo to get some practice dealing with fear, it ended up having to be put on hold for a while. I still couldn't shift down small enough to fit through the doors to the arena building. They were large by human standards, but not quite big enough for me.

Ivo and Pierce said they'd come back in an hour, leaving me alone outside. I was more than fine with the situation, it had been a while since I was alone with nothing to do. At first I followed the simple impulse to shift to my true form and have a nice time rolling around in the grass like a kitten.

It felt so good after carrying the men for all those miles. Then I laid on my back, and relaxed looking at the sky. I watched the sun set, and luxuriated in the feeling of having nothing pressing me to do anything but relax for once in my life.

I noticed that there were two moons. I hadn't had the time to notice it before, and wondered if there were interesting tides on the planet. It was another thing in a huge list of things I didn't know about my new home.

I had been so fixated on figuring out my own situation I had barely paid attention to the outside world at all. I hadn't given myself the time to be curious about it.

I tried to catalog what I knew about the people who weren't my guildmates.

There was a war between the humans and the elves. Even I, as oblivious as I was, knew that at this point. I had no idea why the war was happening, I'd never asked. Everything seemed to indicate that the human side wasn't faring well. From the skeleton crew left at a guild that had to have hosted hundreds of people from the size of things. To the fact that Belua had more or less told me that she was hoping that I would do something to help.

I wondered if that was why she wanted a brand new contractor. It would make sense she had even mentioned once in passing that older contractors often hardened their hearts to the people around them.

She probably wanted someone who was likely to be sentimental, and wouldn't be able to stand by and watch their former race get slaughtered. The exception in the rule against killing sapients seemed to fit that theory pretty well.

I pulled up the relevant part of my contract.

Belua:

Primary Objective

Integrate into human society

Secondary Objectives

Locate other spirit beasts

Convince spirit beasts to join civilization

Allowances :

● The goddess Belua has allowed you to tell anyone who needs to hear it that she has spoken to you, and ordered you to work with humanity, and to facilitate friendly relations between all sapients.

● The goddess Belua has allowed some hostile action against sapients, only if you feel it furthers the ultimate objective.

Warning : intentionally harming sapients unprovoked outside of the allowances will result in System adjudicated punishment.

It had been a while since I looked at my contract, when I re-read it, I was reminded that there was more to it than just being a strong adventurer. It hadn't really been that long, but it seemed to me that I was slacking pretty badly in my integration.

I'd hardly interacted with any humans at all. Ivo and Pierce were human, but adventuring with them hardly counted as human society as a whole. When I thought about it, I realized that I'd even been actively avoiding the meat of my contract.

I had no idea how the humans here lived. How did people who weren't adventurers spend their time? What brought them to Brightwood? I knew there were other guilds mostly dedicated to different trades, but I'd never done more than glance over their walls.

I had never paid much attention to the people the few times I'd left the guild's compound. It struck me that in defiance of logic, the one thing you'd expect a command happy System and goddess to place a strong compulsion on, seemed to have none.

Or perhaps becoming well enough acquainted with my class so that I wouldn't be a danger to those around me was considered a rather important part of integration.

Either way, I felt like I should work on that. Perhaps I could work on the other thing that Belua had asked of me that I had been too busy to think about while I did it. I smiled a little when I thought of the time when the goddess had told me to take time to enjoy myself.

Other than some of my activities with Torill, I hadn't taken the time to do that at all. Every day had been filled with more important things. I had so much to learn, and a deadline for growing strong enough to face a target that I knew would put up a hell of a fight.

This time, laying on my back in the grass, watching the sky was the first time I'd really taken to relax and think. There was another problem with finding time for enjoyment. I had no idea what I liked anymore.

As much as I remembered being enthusiastic about the idea of being an adventurer when my life had begun, in my heart, I wasn't a fighter. I would certainly do whatever I needed to do to survive, but I didn't think I liked the actual combat part of my life very much.

Would I even be excited by the hunt without my instincts pushing my mind into that state? Now that I'd experienced the pure, gut clenching fear that had probably been held back by my class, I didn't think so. The thoughts wouldn't matter so much while I lived, but the instincts were a part of this life, a system implemented feature.

The damn things were an ability on my stat screen that could be stolen away. They were not a part of the real me, I would not have them after I died. Who was I? I'd had the question fly through my head a few times before, but I'd never really been in a good place to take the time to think about it.

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It was important to know. Ivo had told me to come up with a set of rules that I would never, ever break. I wanted to do that, but how could I do that if I didn't even know who I was?

Were my likes and dislikes the same as they were before my soul split? All I could confirm now is that I liked to eat, and I liked being around people. But not too many people, groups of people made me feel like I was under water, or was that my instincts and stats at work?

I thought back to Angela's life, she had liked to take part in conventions and festivals. I tried to picture myself in her place in one of those memories. The emotions I felt when I really thought about it were complicated. There was a strong sense of longing, but there was an unease as well.

When I looked through the memories that were my own from that life, it wasn't hard to figure out why. Nearly every memory I had was alone, and not by choice.

The memories that formed the core of me were splintered during early years. Moments or days here and there where I adapted to things not going my way, often by finding a different path than I'd intended. Sometimes simply by putting my head down and pushing through it, telling myself that things could be worse.

The bulk of my memories were in the hospital bed at the end of Angela's life. I craved any kind of friendly contact, the nurses and doctors coming by was the highlight of most of my days. But they were too busy, too understaffed and overworked to spend much time with me. I remembered repeatedly telling myself that it was okay.

I had my books and internet access. I found enjoyment in learning, and transporting myself to alternate worlds in my head.

Now that I was living in an alternate world, I felt like they might just be better to read about than to actually live in. I felt a sudden kinship with a certain character who was placed in the body of an undead lich. I didn't recall that story making a big deal of the trauma that the character would likely endure from having his bouts of emotion suppressed. But given my experiences, I reckoned a part of him was screaming.

I probably wouldn't be able to look at fantasy the same way again. Not that this world would likely have the same kind of fantasy that I was used to. With all the magic around, that genre would likely just be non-fiction, or even history.

I made a mental note to ask Nefen for some books about history and the kingdom I was living in. It might be a good way to both entertain myself and work towards being able to properly integrate.

I'd also have to get used to groups of people. Which meant taking trips out of the guild premises that didn't head directly out the gates. I could probably ask Torill to show me around. I had a feeling she'd jump at the opportunity.

Before I ventured into town I would probably need to make my rules. I really didn't want to make mine out of regrets like Ivo said he did.

I thought about Ivo's first two rules about not hitting someone in anger, and not running away.

I honestly couldn't find myself too opposed to decking someone if they made me angry enough. Sure, I'd probably have to face consequences, but I don't know that I'd regret the action. What I would regret was killing someone who didn't need to die. I thought about how to phrase the rule that would fit me.

I called on kind to help bind the rule to my soul when I decided what it should be. Without knowing what I was doing, I put some of the conceptual energy I had been storing in myself into the words.

"Lethal actions are for actual monsters, or lethal threats to myself or things I care about."

I shuddered as I realized that I had figured out how to issue commands, and I had just commanded myself. I would have to be very careful with making rules like that.

I bit my cheek. I still wanted to make more rules, because Ivo's second and fourth rules seemed important, given my class and Concepts. I had felt how survivor might push me to abandon my friends. I even had trouble forming thoughts about how much I would regret doing so.

I had to focus on remembering that I would absolutely continue existing if my life ended before I could even consider making a rule like I wanted. I found kind, and the part of my instincts that led me to be protective of that which was mine supporting me as I formed the rule in my head.

"I will not allow fear to make me abandon my friends."

It wasn't a very strong rule, but it was the best I could manage. The wording had to be open enough to me making a calculation that running was the best option for survivor to allow it. It was fine by me, dying to save another person wasn't really on my agenda. I just didn't want to have to fight so hard not to run away the moment things looked bad.

The third rule I was considering was based on Ivo's fourth. It was something to counter the ideas I'd had in the throes of mana about the things I could do to "help" others. I would have to think carefully. I did not want to spread a plague while under the influence of death mana. Or do any of a number of things life mana had happily given me the option to do to someone in addition to healing.

I did not want to cut myself off from using my abilities on people without having to ask first. I went back and forth with myself about it. Consent was important, but sometimes there wasn't time. And sometimes I would want to do something that an individual wouldn't like, to avoid having to turn to a lethal response, which I had just taken off the table.

"I will not use magic to permanently alter another sapient being outside of combat without consent."

I could tell that all the caveats made the command quite weak. It would be rather easily breakable. But it would probably be enough to make me think my actions through. If I needed to turn someone into a toad against their will with life mana, well, I'd have to really want to.

It wouldn't stop me from putting a person to sleep, or weakening them in a way that they could recover from. Very importantly, I made sure to include the quiet idea that healing a person wasn't alteration, it was repair.

I could also do whatever I liked to a person with their permission. And I hated to admit it, but I could probably rationalize more than a few situations into implied consent, even with honest keeping me from lying to myself too blatantly.

Three self directed commands was enough. I hated that I felt the need to issue even one.

I felt spent in a way that didn't leave me tired, and kind, which I had leaned on to empower the commands, felt strangely inert. It made me wonder if there was a limit on how much influence a Concept could have. It didn't feel like it was gone, or it had lost its power. It was more like it was asleep.

I would have to think very hard before speaking for a while, I relied on that Concept to control honest. Among other things.

I found myself honestly hoping that it wouldn't be asleep for long. The presence of its influence was reassuring, and I leaned on it often.

I must have taken more time making my rules than I thought because shortly after I finished, Ivo came asking if I could shift small enough to enter the arena yet.

I checked, and answered his question by shifting to my demihuman form. I was afraid that if I spoke, I would hurt his feelings by telling him that I really did not look forward to his help.

In fact, just thinking about entering the arena after what happened last time filled me with dread.

My efforts to spare his feelings were ill considered, the man frowned a little, and patted me on the back. He, of course, knew how I felt.

"If you want, I can take that away until we're in the arena. It should be easier to face when we're in there."

I nodded, the dread faded to nothing. I had a good reason to fear the arena, given what had happened last time I was in there. But that was definitely a fluke. That sort of thing would definitely not happen a second time, and I trusted Ivo not to overdo the emotions he sent to me.