Chapter 52
Beside Myself
I suddenly found myself sitting comfortably on my favorite old couch from my former life, in one of the apartments she had lived in the longest. I looked around, everything was as I remembered it. There were even a couple cans of my favorite soda where I-she used to put them when she stayed up far too late gaming.
It was an amazing re-creation, but what really caught my attention was my old self, sitting next to me, and staring at me. I was thrown by how young she looked, but when I pictured my old self, it was like that. I never really wanted to think of my body when I got past my thirties, and I definitely never wanted to think of what I became when my body truly started to fail me, so my mental image of my old self was mostly frozen in her late twenties, when she was at her best.
Thinking of my old life was confusing, it was as though I both was, and very much was not the person who lived those memories. I was glad of the distraction from that odd confusion when my old self moved.
She reached out and touched me, I froze, not knowing how to react.
"So weird." She said, seeming entranced by my existence.
"Yeah, weird." I returned numbly.
She smiled, I was always pretty quick to adapt before. "You, I, we? Are so soft. That's kind of nice, right?"
I smiled back. "Yeah, I mean I like brushing my fur for a reason right?"
"Oh man, you know how everyone tells us not to smile? We should totally listen to them."
My ears drooped a bit, I closed my lips and lowered my head. "I know, but it's kind of fun. The people in the guild don't seem to mind."
"The people in the guild hunt monsters as a… what occupation? Calling? It doesn't seem like they get much of a choice. But anyway, they hunt monsters. Duh, they aren't going to be bothered by some sharp teeth."
"Heh, yeah, I guess you're right. Wow when you put it that way, it sounds like the System itself is kind of messed up."
"It kinda is, I wonder what happened to us, my memory has gone all weird."
On that cue, the TV switched itself on, displaying a handsome man, dressed in an expensive looking suit. The desk he was sitting behind, and the room he was in made him look like an anchorman on some sort of broadcast news show.
"I can answer that for you." The man said, I recognized his voice.
"Randy, right?"
My other self looked at me, shocked.
So did the man on the TV. "How did you know that?"
"Well, I heard you and that Hash guy talking about me." Like always. I didn't see a point to not being honest.
"Huh, Hash must have broadcast it to you, but not your original self? Now that's odd. I'll never understand the old ones." The man on TV shook his head.
"What's up with the old apartment? Did you go digging through my memories?" My other self asked the question, she sounded offended. I couldn't find it in me to be bothered.
"Had to, sorry about that, I know it's a violation, but I had to figure you out, and get an idea of what happened."The man shrugged, but seemed to genuinely mean it.
"Is privacy not a thing in the… multiverse?" Old me sounded very grumpy.
"Not as such, no, sorry again. Everything about you is being constantly logged and filed away by the System for future reference. Any admin can see whatever they want. We don't usually look unless we have a reason though. Even the assholes aren't usually that bored."
I pretty much figured that was the case, so I just shrugged. My other self looked livid, and looked at me like I was nuts.
"You seem okay with this." She stated.
"Yeah well, what choice do we have? It's either roll with it or? What, be mad all the time? What's the point? I don't know about you, but I don't want to find out what becomes of us if we die for real." I growled a little, I couldn't help it, I didn't want to think about all the things that had happened to my mind.
"That's fucked up you know, growling like that? I hate how crazy I remember acting as you."
"And that right there is why there's two of you." Randy butted in, I growled at him for interrupting.
"Hey now, I won't take that personally, since I know what you've got going on, but that is kind of rude." The man tapped his finger on the desk in front of him.
"Sorry." I said, my tail curled against the padding of the couch, and I crouched down submissively, I knew this guy had to be crazy powerful if he was a System Admin.
"You were saying?" The other me said, obviously annoyed with me. I lowered my head some more, embarrassed by my own lack of self control.
"You don't like the System at all, I don't blame you. If that was my introduction to it, I'd hate the damn thing too. I don't even love it now, it's just the best solution to a problem I won't get into. You, the original recoil at what's been done, and what it looks like you're going to have to be dealing with for the foreseeable future. I will say that most incarnations are not so heavily enhanced."
"Enhanced! Is that what you call that?" She jabbed a finger at me. "That's a mess, and you know it."
I wanted to hide under a cushion, I leaned away from my old self, crouching so far down in my seat I almost fell off the couch. I was instinctively trying to protect my weak points from her, as if she was attacking me. It was a silly, inhuman response, and I knew it, but it came so naturally to me I couldn't stop myself.
"Yeah, I can see that, I'm sure it will work out though, and it is just one life. You'll have plenty more to live if you stick with it."
"Right, like there's much choice? I do agree with.. Angel, I don't want to die for good. I just hate how this whole thing works. That is definitely not me in that body." She pointed at my still defensive posture.
With an effort to overcome my instincts, I pushed myself up to a more dignified position. "I agree, I'm not who we were, I can't help but know that. Every time I find myself doing something animalistic, or aggressive, I realize I've become some other person. Every time I channel the mana, and allow it to influence my mind, I wonder a bit why it's something I'm so willing to do. I just accept it. It's not that bad, hey, I can eat all I want and I never gain weight! The food tastes so much better now too, even raw unseasoned meat is delicious, and magic! I get to play with magic."
"Magic that ALSO messes with your mind, like you said, making you act like a lunatic."
"Do you know how it feels though? It's amazing."
"It's like doing drugs, and we promised ourselves we'd never fall that far again."
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"Drugs that can actually let you fly are worth it."
"I'm not so sure."
"Excuse me, could you two be quiet please? I'd like to explain your situation, and give you a couple options."
I closed my mouth, and looked at the screen.
Other me sighed. "Alright, fine."
"Okay, so it's pretty obvious that you have been internally divided for some time. It would have probably been fine, but your experience in the arena simulation was bad enough to shake your core self, your very soul felt pain. We will be looking at the safeguard protocols by the way, it's not supposed to let that much trauma through. However, that won't fix what's happened. So that's why we're here."
Randy scratched his chin.
"First I am going to tell you something most agents don't tell new Contractors, there's no rule against sharing this between contractors. But there definitely is a Rule against telling the general public."
The man disappeared on the TV, and a small glowing white orb appeared in the center of the screen.
"This is a visual representation of a soul as I perceive it, how you see them may differ. Even young souls are powerful, resilient things, destroying one is nearly impossible. They house everything you've ever known and felt, they never, ever forget. At least not if they stay on this side of the veil."
The orb started pulsing.
"Souls grow in power in a number of ways. The most unavoidable basic form of growth is simply by existing longer, and storing more memories and feelings. The other way they grow is by receiving Concepts."
Glowing scales of all different shapes and colors started flying in from off screen, and fixing themselves to the outside of the soul. Where they touched, the color of the orb around them changed to match.
"Concepts are created when enough Sapient entities think the same thing about a person, object or idea. They are effectively a kind of psychic pollution, but they hold tremendous power, even if you don't channel them like your class does. Aside from making you more capable in the things they represent, they make your soul grow in power, giving you the ability to act without a body. They also lend you a resistance to the fading that happens if souls linger too long without crossing the veil."
The scales increased in pace, and suddenly the orb had grown, and resembled a multicolored disco ball.
"Of course, you already know the downsides of Concepts, but I'll state it plainly. When you receive a Concept, it colors your view of the world and you will have a hard time acting in opposition to its ideals. If you get enough Concepts in the same vein, or if a single Concept becomes greatly empowered, they become unalterable facts about you."
More and more scales added on to the orb, and a pattern of dominant colors emerged, the orb filled the screen, and began to look like a multicolored sun.
"When you live long enough, and gather enough Concepts you Ascend to a higher form, and become a deity. A little over a thousand years ago, Belua took her first contract as a soul, just like you. There are expectations that Reality has of deities, I won't go into them all, but shepherding intelligent life on a world of your own is the most obvious."
The orb moved away from the camera, and merged with a molten rock. Time sped up for the rock, and it became a healthy looking blue and green planet.
"Of course, that is a long way off for you, but today, you will be making a decision that will have a huge impact on who you are then, and for the rest of eternity."
The planet disappeared, and two separate orbs of light appeared.
"There are two paths you have found yourselves with the opportunity to choose between, the first, and the most common by far is the one I used as an example. A single soul, living out the centuries, accumulating Concepts. You generally end up with two or three areas of Authority, a lot of who you are as a person is dominated by them."
The camera zoomed in on one of the orbs, showing that it wasn't one glowing ball, but hundreds of small ones clustered together.
"The other option is the gestalt, or the split soul. That is what had begun to happen to you by accident. People don't usually end up that way on purpose, to be honest. I have met a few who exist in this state, and I have heard them explain how it has affected them. It seems to have multiple benefits, the first is the impact of concepts."
The scales flew in from off screen by the thousands, and the Gestalt soul began to glow with every color imaginable. The camera zoomed closer, and it became clear that each small orb had two or three colors grouped together.
"The Concepts stick to the part of the soul that lived the life they are associated with. You get to live a much freer life than any single souled god or goddess ever could. In the end, I think the most important aspect for the two of you, is the fact that in a millenia, you will still exist as yourselves. The only influences on your behavior will be the ones you earn with your personal Legend. You will be aware of the knowledge gathered in the other lives you have lived, and you will be able to pull from the pool of Concepts and power that all of your selves have gathered. But you will not be influenced by Concepts you did not earn in the lives you choose to live."
The scene on the screen changed, it showed hundreds of glowing orbs surrounding a beautiful looking planet that seemed to be teeming with life. The majority of the orbs flew down to the planet, the ten or so that remained grew larger, and began to glow brighter.
"Most importantly as a deity each of yourselves can choose to be known, or unknown to your world independently. The known individuals will gain power and new Concepts from their faithful. The unknowns may walk among the people of their world as though they are just powerful mortals, though they will have to be careful not to create new Legends. The thing most older gods envy is their ability to create new versions of themselves to experience a new life again through them."
The view flew down into the planet's atmosphere, and followed one of the small orbs as it flew down to the planet's surface. The orb reached a small medieval looking village, and it turned into a nondescript young man, joining the existing population. It followed them for a while, cutting forward through time as they lived a normal enough life as a farmer, complete with a wife and children. They aged, and died, and became an orb again, that shot up into the sky.
"It's definitely enviable, but there are a few downsides. One is that you won't always agree with yourself. Living different lives can have a profound effect on one's personality, and split souls have been known to get into fights with themselves. Each individual part of the Gestalt is considerably weaker than a single souled deity as well. While you do have access to the power of the whole, using it is a decision, and other parts of you can block you from the power if there's a major disagreement. You'll never be cut off entirely, but it can be made many degrees harder."
The screen changed again, showing a person asleep, with several orbs hovering quietly over them.
"The other downside is how each new life will be while you are still a contractor. You can try to live each new life with an existing soul shard. But once you have split once, the Concept of being an entity composed of many shards will become a part of you. You will be at risk of splitting again if you receive any soul trauma at all. The shard that has decided to live again will risk losing parts of what makes them who they are to the new shard when that happens."
"It is far safer in the long run to create a new shard intentionally before every new life. I will show you how to do so without losing anything that will not regenerate in time."
"It will likely be quite frustrating at first for the existing versions of yourself, because you will not have much say over the lives the new shards live. They will make mistakes and choices that you would not, since they will only contain echoes of who you are. They will have full access to the knowledge of the collective lives that have been led, but with no true ties to the experiences."
"Eventually I am told you will naturally reach a point where most of the time it will be as though you are half asleep. You'll be vaguely aware of what's going on, but large periods of time may pass without you really noticing it. That said, if something happens that is strongly associated with your Concepts, you will fully awaken, and be able to temporarily aid your new self."
The scene cut to the person with several orbs floating over them fighting a large hulking beast of a monster, they looked to be losing. One of the orbs began to glow brightly, and it shoved itself into the person, who rallied, and began to fight with much more strength and skill.
"While a shard temporarily merges with them, they will be overtaken by a shadow of one of that shard's lives. They will become capable of temporarily utilizing skills from said life. You should be aware that they can reject your interference if they want, and giving help will drain you tremendously. It will likely result in putting you fully to sleep, possibly for the rest of that life if you have to expend a lot of your energy, definitely for the rest of the life if they reject you."
The screen changed back to the handsome newscaster. He had a serious look on his face.
"I'm told it is the worst thing at first, watching a new version of yourself live a life that you can barely touch. But it is all only temporary, and you grow used to it. Frankly I think it would be nice to have slept through most of my old lives. Living becomes boring, and predictable after a while, your Concepts always lead you down a similar path once you've established a few. But with a split soul, and splitting as young as you have, with only one full concept of your own. Each new shard will only have to bear one Concept from your being, chosen by you on their creation, by a consensus among your selves."
The man on the screen leaned forward, and he spoke sternly, as though he wanted me to really take the next part seriously.
"Not every new you has to be a Survivor. You could instead share whatever you end up picking up in this life, and I recommend you do. The more lives you live with that Concept, the stronger its influence will be on every part of you that has it. That may sound great, Survivor makes you very resilient, but if all you can think of is survival above all else, are you really alive?"
"Of course that won't be important until this life of yours comes to an end. But it should all factor into your choice. In particular you should consider the way things will be for you when you ascend may seem far off, but you will be in that state far longer than you will be a Contractor."
He sat back.
"So now we come to the choice."
He raised a finger.
"Option one, I can do my best to put you back together. You might think your soul is fully split apart right now, but it isn't. The damage you have suffered can still be repaired. I do have to warn you that if you don't find a way to reconcile the way you act and feel in this life with who you were in your old life, you'll just end up splitting again later, and I won't be there to help you then"
The man on the television sighed, lifting up two fingers.
"Option two is I assist you in becoming a split soul. With my assistance, the spit will be cleaner, and less traumatic than if it finishes happening by itself. I will also share with you what you need to know of self-targeted soul magic to allow you to regulate your own existence as you see fit."
The man on the screen seemed to be looking at me directly.
"You'll probably feel mostly unchanged. The thoughts that have been holding you back from being entirely your new self will seem like advice from someone you trust. Your life back on Earth will be something you know about, but it will be as though you once had an unforgettably vivid dream about it."
His gaze shifted, looking to my other self.
"You will likely sleep for the rest of this life, and several others afterwards, only waking if the incarnation's survival is at stake."
He looked directly forward again, obviously addressing both of us.
"So talk to each other, ask me any questions you have. Take your time, we are outside of the timestream at the moment. This is not a decision to be made lightly."