Chapter 21

Finding My Path

It was like an invisible pressure had been building the whole time at breakfast, I found myself completely peopled out. Torill was such a sweet lady, but her enthusiastic presence mentally exhausted me, and the subtle and not so subtle attention from everyone else compounded the feeling. I needed to get away from them.

As I quickly made my way to the door, I found myself suddenly having to catch a piece of wood that came hurtling at me. My staff let me know just how little it liked being left behind, by slamming into my hand fairly hard. It hurled ideas of loneliness into our link. I didn't love the idea of everyone seeing it come flying to me, but hopefully they'd think I'd used magic to call it.

As I opened the door, I heard someone push back their chair, then I heard Ivo speak to whoever it was in a soft voice. "Not now, he needs to be alone." I heard whoever it was sit back down.

As I journeyed away from the guildhall, toward the back of the enormous compound where I could make out a cluster of trees. I could feel the elements around me stirring up, agitated by a very slight connection with my emotions that had formed with all the elements the last time I leveled up. They reached out to me, as if to try to comfort me. I quietly pushed away the life mana for the moment, the very last thing I wanted right now was to be connected to everything. The air mana's joy, and desire to touch everything didn't match my mood. I found myself slipping into the cool embrace of water mana.

It merged with me, filling my mind with a focus that excluded all other thoughts. Just find a place to be alone. That became my whole world, I no longer thought about how I used to really like being in groups of people, or anything else at all. It was freeing.

The water enhanced my movements, speeding my rush to the small wooded area. When I got there, I found that the trees were surrounding a small pond. It was perfect. I jumped into the water, and sank to the bottom. It was deeper than it looked, the surface was several feet above my head. I sat down at the bottom, suddenly feeling serene.

I was alone, just like I had been focusing on when I allowed myself to join with the water. I felt my consciousness kind of pool into a state of zen.

I did nothing, I had no thoughts. I didn't realize that somehow I was perfectly fine underwater without surfacing to breathe. I was filled with a different kind of joy than I experienced with air mana. It was the joy of pure peace and tranquility, I had no worries, no stress, I was one with the pool I sat in. The outside world vanished entirely from my mind.

I'm not sure how long I stayed like that. Eventually I started to draw in and circulate mana, it seemed natural to make it flow through me. Everything was perfect, I could sit forever in that state.

Everything was stillness in the water, and the steady flow of mana inside me. My staff floated next to me in the water, it seemed to share my state of quiet bliss. I was dimly aware of the water mana flowing back and forth through the link with it.

I really have no idea how long I was down there, minutes, hours, nothing mattered but the flow.

I was knocked from my meditation by something large entering the water with me. I felt huge arms wrap around me and heave me out of the pond.

A large hand hit me on the back, completely rousing my mind, causing me to break my connection with the water. I started coughing, my lungs were completely filled with water.

"Little brother, there are better ways to die." I heard Samuel pant out.

My whole body shook, I was freezing, and my lungs ached with the sudden need for air. I couldn't breathe with so much water still in my lungs. I couldn't focus enough to ask the water to vacate.

The mana around me became upset, I heard the water in the pond begin to splash violently.

The grass beneath me grew, its blades brushed against me, I was dimly aware of it twisting about as though it was trying to locate the source of my distress. I was in no condition to notice it at the time, but it made futile attempts to grasp at Samuel. Some of the mana crystals in my body cracked, and did their work keeping me healthy as I coughed the water from my lungs.

Wind whirled around me, as the air mana spent its own energy trying to push away anything that could possibly be causing my distress.

All three of the agitated elements tried to flow into me at the same time, they all tried to force a connection, and seemed to only succeed in blocking each other. I reached for the one my body was crying out for. Air.

The effect was immediate. I was still coughing out the water, but I was smiling, and felt no discomfort. The mana happily supplied the oxygen I needed directly, and it helped push the remaining fluids from my abused lungs. When that was taken care of, I was filled with the desire to get up and move, I hopped up and bounded to a sour faced Samuel.

He looked so soggy, and unhappy! He just needed to dry off and come for a run! I moved the air around him, to dry him off. Then as he opened his mouth to say something, I took off running, my tail waving high behind me in the air.

The air and I sped through the compound, it propelled me so fast I felt like I was flying. The exhilarating joy of movement was the very best of feelings after having been still so long.

Suddenly I crashed face first into something that hadn't been there a moment before. I landed on the ground, my jaw throbbed.

Samuel had somehow gotten in front of me, even with the wind enhancing my speed, and decked me.

The shock brought me back to my senses.. I rubbed my jaw.

"Are you quite done little brother? Your lack of self control is astounding." Samuel looked more than a little angry, and a lot disappointed.

I ducked my head, feeling the full force of his aura on me.

"Do you know what your master needs little one? Your master needs a minder. If he keeps acting like this he will die. Or the mana will alter him, body and mind beyond all recognition." I looked up, somewhat confused, to see the bear man holding my staff, and talking to it. It sat passively in his hand, I could sense confusion through our bond.

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I wondered where Dux was, I had definitely been under the influence of water for more than three minutes. "Sorry buddy, I judged that it was helping you. I'd have busted you out eventually, but you were making good progress. You should definitely meditate more, and if losing yourself to water is what it takes, that's what it takes." I heard Dux say from inside my head. "We can't really have a talk with the big man here, but you should definitely use that arena to practice more like he wants." I felt his presence dissipate, not waiting for my response.

Samuel turned his eyes on me, the pressure of his aura doubled. I felt so small under his gaze. "What do you have to say for yourself little brother?"

"I have a-" my throat closed making it clear that talking about Dux was off limits. I coughed. "I have an ability that helps me break loose from the mana if I need to. The water mana was helping me. The air mana wasn't going to have me for very long, and it helped me recover." I said, somewhat defensively. At this point I realized resisting the call of the mana entirely was not something I was built for. It felt too good, too natural to let it flow through me.

"I think I need to get used to joining with the mana like that, it's just part of who I am now." I looked away, knowing that it was supposed to be avoided if possible. It seemed impossible for me though. I also told myself that it couldn't be as bad for me as it had been made out to be. If Dux was unwilling to kick me out of the water mana, it didn't seem to fit with the warnings.

"I see, little brother. Perhaps your time in the mana is different because of your nature. The stories I have heard led me to believe that recovery from such states was extremely difficult. You seem fine. Perhaps I will alter how I planned to train you." The guildmaster sighed. "If you truly feel that you need to take that path, we can experiment to see if it will work for you. I will endeavor to help you evaluate how the elements affect you."

The pressure from his aura drew back, and I felt my breath return to me. I hadn't realized I had been holding it.

Samuel turned and walked away, still holding my staff, it seemed resigned to its captivity. It couldn't do anything to get loose, it didn't even try.

"Come." The guildmaster ordered, and I moved to follow.

It soon became obvious that we were headed to the arena. "Janus is out on a mission, I will have you face Zeke. You will fight him several times. I want you to ride a different element each try, and see what it does. You will pay attention to the effects of each element, and how your mind works under its influence. If you cannot be placed under any sort of stress without giving yourself over to the mana, you should learn which will be best to use in a given situation."

Samuel didn't speak again until we reached the archway leading to the arena floor. "I have given it some thought, I have your instructions, you will enter the arena, and begin your connection with earth while I retrieve your opponent. It may help you to know that Zeke is a fast and accurate combatant with no elemental powers. He will be informed ahead of time about what you will be practicing. I will instruct him to do his best. After that fight, win or lose, you will then switch to fire, after that, darkness. Do you understand?"

I nodded meekly but I felt the need to tell him. "I haven't ever really connected to those three before, and fire scares me…" None of those elements drew me very strongly at all. Fire had seemed like one of the worst besides death.

The old bear nodded. "I thought as much, I may not be a mage myself, but your affinities have been made extremely obvious. We must see how the opposing elements affect you. If joining your mind to the elements is to be your path, you should know how to walk with all of them if the need is upon you. Now, I will gather your opponent."

I realized with a start that Samuel had walked off with my staff still in his hand, so I would be without it in the arena. I worried about how it would take being pulled away from me, but I felt it reassuring me through our bond, the intelligent weapon seemed to instinctively trust Samuel just like I did.

I touched the arch, and confirmed with the System, then entered the arena. I felt the mana around me. All the elements called to me to join them, the three I used most were just so much more attractive to my senses.

I forced myself to ignore everything but earth, its call was quiet, it barely felt like it had an emotional pull. It felt like, while it would accept a connection with me, and wanted to help me. It would also really prefer to be left alone. That's why I had never been at any risk of losing myself to it.

I reached out to it, and connected my mind to it. The connection was unlike the others I had experienced, it didn't influence my thoughts, it crushed them. The majority of my mind was suppressed under its weight. It did not care what I wanted, I had connected with it, and it would protect me in its own way. Protect me from change. Thoughts and emotions incited change, so it did its best to eradicate them. Movement was change, it hardened every part of me, it took away my ability to move entirely. What remained of my thoughts slowed, and everything just. Stopped.

I was not aware when Samuel returned with Zeke. I did not notice when Zeke entered the arena. I felt a mild annoyance near me when my opponent spoke. The words were completely lost to me.

When Zeke struck me with his short sword. It bounced off me, slightly cracking my fur. I noticed that a bit, it raised a bit more annoyance. I should not be broken by this creature, it was wrong.

The next time he moved to strike me, the earth mana reacted, I lurched towards him with a fist. The movement was surprisingly fast, like rocks falling. He dodged easily. Scoring another cracking blow, this time hitting my arm. There wasn't much damage. The earth mana infusing me had made every part of me sturdier than stone. But it did still cause cracks to form in my fur which had hardened to become like an outer shell for me.

When he backed off, I felt no need to pursue.

He was away from me long enough that I forgot about his existence entirely. My mind stalled, and shut back down.

When he struck me next, it actually roused me. He had broken through my fur, and damaged the earth mana reinforced flesh of my neck. The aspect of earth changed and I became truly aware of the world again. Emotion returned to me in the form of pure unbridled fury.

Zeke was a danger that needed to be crushed. The earth mana worked through me, accessing the energy in my core, it expended a large quantity of my stores. I didn't know exactly what it was doing, but I knew it meant to crush my enemy. I felt a connection with the arena floor. The mana was making it somehow simply more present, denser perhaps. It had no perceptible effect on me, but my opponent wasn't so lucky, he went crashing down to his knees. It became obvious what the mana had done. It wasn't gravity control, not quite, the mana shared the concept of weight, that was what it told me. Everything that touched the affected ground would have to fight the weight of that area bearing down on them. The fur on my cheeks cracked as my lips curled back into a vicious smile, the rage of the element seething in my mind knew it was about to be satisfied. I stomped towards the immobilized man, my movements were slow and ponderous, every step carried the same weight that had incapacitated Zeke.

When I got to him, I crashed down upon him like an avalanche.

Match End

Winner Angel

I felt the System tear the earth mana from me. I blinked, and almost fell over. That had been an entirely unpleasant experience. There was no comfort there, no joy, the only desire I had could be described as a desire for stasis.

I could see the value in earth mana, it sure as hell made me tough. But if I never connected with it like that again, I wouldn't be sad.

Zeke was staring daggers at me from across the arena.

Samuel called out. "Thank you for the help Zeke, please allow Angel a moment to connect to the next element."

I realized that I'd completely ignored Zeke saying something earlier. I hadn't even been able to really hear, the earth mana had hardened every part of me.

"Yes, thank you for this Zeke, I'm sorry if I behave strangely… I really don't have full control of myself when I do this."

Zeke just narrowed his eyes and nodded. "Boss told me what to expect, I won't take it personal."

I nodded. I really did not want to connect to fire. Fire felt like hunger, and rage, and hate, and that was without connecting to it.

I hesitated, I really, really felt put off by the idea.

"You must do this little brother." I heard Samuel say very quietly from outside the arena. "It might scare you for a reason, we must find out what that reason is."

I took a deep breath, I realized I was trembling. The mana in the area was becoming more and more agitated with me. I actually saw the air shift to wind all on its own. The arena filled with a gusty breeze.

I closed my eyes, steeled myself, and reached out to touch the fire.