I wanted to answer Torill's question. I tried to. I couldn't. It was mine, I couldn't tell anyone, the thought echoed loudly in my head. I found myself fully aware of the fact that it was not my thought, but completely unable to fight it. The pressure of the thought bore down on my mind uncomfortably.

It was as though I had gained just enough resistance to manipulation to actually realize it was happening, but not enough to break it. I could almost feel how honest was vibrating in my soul trying to fight off the compulsion to hide the truth. It simply wasn't strong enough to do more than make me aware that there was a compulsion.

I stopped trying to think about telling her, and the pressure disappeared. I heaved a sigh.

Torill looked confused, I understood why. It probably looked like I was growling at her, from her perspective, and it should, she wanted to touch what was mine.

I flattened my ears at that thought, I tried to reason with it. Torill was welcome to share what was mine. I wasn't sure what our relationship would be called, but we'd certainly passed the point where I should be bothered about sharing with her.

The strange impulse to be angry with her for asking relented, but I knew I still couldn't tell her what was happening in a few weeks. I pushed my head against her.

"I can't tell you. I think you might know who can though." It wasn't what I wanted to say, but it was the best I could do.

"Were you trying? Is that why you looked so angry?" She touched the side of my head gently. "It's okay, Angel, that's not the kind of thing you need to fight. That type of command is just something you have to get used to as a contractor. It's not just Belua, a lot of gods don't want their plans ruined by loose lipped workers. They tend to be pretty liberal with the commands not to speak of their missions."

"Well I can't say that makes me feel too good, all this mental stuff is driving me crazy, and this one goes against one of my Concepts. I wish she could trust me enough to ask me not to tell." I flinched, the Concept in question was probably all the more reason for that kind of command to be repeated on me specifically.

"She might if you talk to her about it. She seems the type. I bet you just have to point it out as something that causes you pain, and she'll avoid doing it. She does seem to care, which is more than you can say about a lot of gods. They tend to be a lot more distant and uninvolved than she is with you. You usually don't get their attention unless you fuck up somewhere, or they have a side job that you are suited for. Even then, they usually issue orders through the System, not personally."

Not for the first time, I wished Belua was a bit less interested in me, and I sent as much, complete with my frustrated mix of anger and fear of what having my mind toyed with had done so far.

"Yeah, you should definitely talk to her. I know it'll be hard with her aura pushing on you, but if you hold it in your mind that she'd want to know that she's hurting you, you should be able to do it."

I thought about that. It was so very hard to be critical of her in her presence, I wondered if I could get her to talk to me in the Concept free room I was currently in, it would make things a whole lot easier.

I remembered her saying I could pray through my mark to ask her for things. So after taking a moment to collect my recent grievances, I did just that. I had more than the command not to speak of my coming fight to tell her about.

I felt my form change in response to my prayer, it was an odd sensation to have it done to me while I was clear headed. Torill looked at me questioningly as I got out of bed.

I smiled at her, and said, "I'm taking your advice, I just called her for a chat."

"Ah, well, okay, that's something you can do, I guess. I wouldn't try that one with any other god. Do you want me to leave so you can talk in private? I'm not sure how she'll take you bringing up problems in front of me." Torill actually looked a little worried, she was probably right, it would be a little rude to air the dirty laundry in front of someone else.

I was just about to say that she was right when Belua opened the door.

"Ah, thank you for calling for me. I did want to have a chat with you little one. What you did tonight was ill advised." The goddess looked at me with a mixture of anger and worry.

"That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about, actually." Even without her aura pressing on me it was hard to say the words.

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Belua nodded, and looked at Torill. "I'm sorry child, but I believe I need to speak with your lover in private, you understand?"

Torill nodded, and less than a second afterward, disappeared. I felt a pang of loss, I really wished she could be there, if only so I didn't have to say what I was going to say without any moral support.

"So, child, you wished to speak with me on the other side of this doorway. Why?" She looked a little sad, she probably wanted to hold me like she usually did. I wondered if she fully understood what her aura did to me.

For some reason, even after all she'd done, even without the pressure of her Concepts, I felt bad. The sadness in her eyes was real, and maybe it was because I had been exposed to her aura so much, but I hated the idea of seeing her sad. I felt an impulse to run to her, and give her a hug. I squashed it.

I took a deep breath, and had to look away from her eyes to force myself to speak.

"I needed to talk to you with a clear head. I can't tell you what you need to hear when I'm in your aura." I cursed myself for how soft my voice was when I said those words. How sad I was to be bringing her behavior to her attention. I was angry with her, the mental manipulations had to stop.

I wasn't sure, but it seemed like her most recent command might just get me killed. That thought sparked my core concept to life. I felt it surge through me. My back straightened, my gaze hardened, I lifted my head and looked her in her eyes. My ears laid back, and my lips lifted slightly, my tail swayed behind me. She was threatening my survival, that could not stand.

Belua's eyes widened, she looked shocked to see my expression, she took a step back. "Why are you so angry, child?"

"My soul split in two, mostly because of things you did. And you keep right on doing them! Why the hell wouldn't I be angry? You commanded me to protect my trees. Do you know what that felt like? I already would have had to fight my instincts to make any sort of rational decision about what to do. But you put a command in there and I just… fucking couldn't see them be so much as scratched. It wasn't until I got here and thought about it that I even realized just how terrible my choice was. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? Because that's on you as far as I'm concerned." I crossed my arms, my lips curled back in a snarl, I had more to complain about, but that was a big one.

With wide eyes, the goddess stammered, "I… I didn't think…" she paused and seemed to collect herself. "I'm sorry. Do you mind if I come in? My aura shouldn't touch you in that room, even if I'm inside. I would much rather sit down to have this chat." She looked at a table that was set up with a few chairs that I hadn't even noticed.

I sighed, and nodded. It said a lot that she asked, that seemed like a good start. Survivor continued to thrum in my soul, pushing me to stand firm with her. I reminded myself that she was a goddess who could probably snuff this life out with a thought, I managed to stop baring my teeth at her.

She sat down, and picked up a steaming cup that hadn't existed a moment ago. "Tea? Coffee? Cocoa?" She asked, her voice was quiet as she gestured to the seat across from her. "Please sit down, we can talk like civilized people." She sounded tired, and sad.

If my Concept hadn't been so fully activated, I probably would have felt bad about being so blunt with her. But it was, so I just grunted, and sat. "I don't know how any of those would taste to me now. I haven't had them before. I remember that…" I was astonished that I couldn't say Angela's name. I thought for certain that Belua would be an exception to that rule. "My original self liked coffee. But I'm not her, so who knows? I might hate it." My new body might have had that effect even if my soul hadn't split.

"I'll put a lot of milk in it, you should like that. Cats are supposed to like milk, so given what you are, it's almost a guarantee that you'll be tuned to enjoy it."

I ran my claws through my mane. She was likely correct, I was made from the common ideas of big cats, not house cat's though. I wasn't sure if people thought of lions and tigers wanting milk. I had an involuntary chuckle at the absurdity of my life. What people thought, dictated my reality.

I reached for the tankard sized mug of coffee that appeared on the table, my anger set aside in favor of curiosity for the moment. It smelled good. So I drank. I closed my eyes, it was everything I remembered from Angela's life. Actually it was better than I remembered. I realized that Belua had been right about how milk would go for me. I would definitely be seeking out more milk regularly.

I hummed to myself, a purr vibrated through me despite the seriousness of the conversation we were about to have. I set down the mug, and met the goddess's eyes, a smile flickered across them, before her expression turned serious.

"I certainly have made a mess of things for you. I suppose there's a reason most gods keep their distance from mortals. Tell me, what do you think I have to do to make my words a command?"

I raised an eyebrow, that was a strange question, I wasn't sure where she was going with this, but I had a feeling it was going to lead to an excuse. "How would I know? Maybe put some power behind it? I'm about a hundred lives from godhood."

"I am the world you live on, I am the material you are made of. The mana you channel is the waste I exhale. I am not the person you see when you enter my realm. This? This is an illusion made in an attempt to retain some remnants of my mortal history. All things that live here belong to me, commanding is the act of allowing more of myself to flow through my avatar. Issuing a command is not something a god has learned to do. It is something they have to learn not to."

I was right, it was an excuse. Her control slipped. Anger burned inside me. Did she think I would forgive her for losing control of herself? Maybe she was going to point at my lapses in control for sympathy. It might have worked, but I knew that I could do better, I simply hadn't had time. She had centuries.

My lips curled, showing my own lack of self control.

Belua lifted a hand placatingly. "I just want you to understand, I wanted those interesting trees preserved. Because I wanted it, I allowed my desire to slip through. I did not mean for it to come at the cost that it did. You lost weeks of time to prepare, and the beast that comes out will now likely be death attuned. You say I am to blame for that, and I cannot argue. I will have to think about adequate recompense."

"No need to think, I know what I want. For this, and for the other things you did that wounded my soul. I want an oath that you will never manipulate my mind again, and you will do what you can to keep the System from doing so in the future. And I want you to run any little gifts you decide to give me by me first. Your concept of what is helpful has not impressed me so far."

Belua had the gall to look shocked and angry that I would ask her for that. I crossed my arms, and stared at her. I wanted some semblance of control of my life, I hungered for it.

I waited for her response.