"Victory isn’t always won with strength or skill. Sometimes, it’s about being the loudest, most obnoxious thorn in the enemy’s side until they give up out of sheer exasperation. Be that thorn." – The Te of Slacking, Book 3, Verse 14:

The groaned shut finality.

Ahead of me, the chamber stretched out into a vast, cavernous expanse, its far end obscured by shadow and eerily glowing mist. The only thing illuminating the space was more of the same flickering gothic text that had greeted me when I first entered the Shardspire Vale.

WELCOME TO FLOOR 1: INITIATION GROUNDS

“Where Dreams Go to Die”

Funny. I kind of thought that was adulthood.

The text burned brightly for a moment before fading out and being replaced by a whole new host of notifications.

New Quest: Survive the First Floor.

Objective: Reach the Staircase to Floor 2 (Optional: Avoid Painful Death).

Environmental Buff: Existential Dread (+15% damage taken from psychological effects).

- Debuff Applied: Uneven Terrain (Agility reduced by 10%).

- Hint: Remember, only fools rush in.

Yeah. Because I am all about the careful planning.

Then a familiar voice slid into my thoughts

I just thought I’d say, it began that this is very much not what I had in mind.

“What the fuck do you mean by that?” I whispered, glancing around as if expecting to catch sight of the voice’s owner.

What possible version of my philosophy do you think involves a Tower climb in Shardspire Vale? Seriously, did no part of you think this was all being a bit... I don’t know, action hero?

“Mate, timing is everything here,” I said. “Did you not want to mention this before I started climbing?”

Again, it sighed, what part of me do you think is all about the timely intervention? Let’s be real for a second. If avoiding the apocalypse required some big damn hero to suit up, climb a Level 30 Tower, and rescue a damsel in distress, don’t you think the System would have chosen literally anyone else?!

I stopped walking entirely, now thoroughly irked. “First up, fuck off. Second, what’s with the sudden lack of confidence? Weren’t you the one who gave me the power-ups in the first place?”

Power-ups? James, I didn’t ‘give’ you anything. You’ve been freeloading your way through this world and stacking unearned buffs like a kid hoarding cheat codes. If you’d actually followed my philosophy, you’d be back in Lazytown, enjoying a pint, maybe a canoodle with Dema and letting someone else take care of all this apocalypse nonsense.

I stopped dead. Something about the way it phrased that last part scratched at the back of my mind. “You know, you’re being awfully critical for someone who’s supposed to be my guiding principle. Since when did you care about what I do, anyway?”

The voice hesitated, just for a second, before replying, Since you started acting like a protagonist, that’s when. This whole hero gig isn’t you, James. And deep down, you know it.

I frowned, the hairs on the back of my neck prickling. The voice was familiar as the Great Slacker but there was something off. Something too insistent, too perfectly aligned with my insecurities.

“Yeah, you know what?” I said, “this doesn’t sound like the Great Slacker at all. Nice try, Tower.”

The voice immediately shifted, no longer a chilled dudebro but cold and sharp, like breaking glass. You’re cleverer than you look, Rogue of Eldhaven, it hissed, before vanishing from my head entirely.

Achievement Unlocked: Unveiling the Trickster

- Bonus XP awarded for identifying and resisting psychological manipulation.

- Skill Upgrade: Insight (Level 1→ Level 4).

New Skill Evolution Unlocked: Paranoia’s Edge

- You’re now slightly better at identifying manipulation and hidden threats. This may result in mild trust issues. Cooldown: None.

Well, I thought, glad to know I’m one step closer to being utterly insufferable.”

Instantly, the stone floor beneath me shifted slightly as if reconsidering whether it wanted to support my weight at all. Above, stalactites suddenly shot out to hang precariously, dripping a liquid that sizzled where it hit the ground.

The Trial Overseer arrived in a flicker of static that sounded like someone tuning a radio with a sledgehammer. Above its shifting, distorted form, the label TRIAL OVERSEER floated in glowing letters. The thing was a mash-up of light and shadow that looked like the unholy offspring of a plasma globe and a particularly hostile Jackson Pollock painting.

Its “face” was a swirling ball of raw energy, the kind of thing you’d expect to see if you let a black hole borrow your favourite lava lamp. Occasionally, the energy splintered into fragments before snapping back together, like reality itself was trying to evict it but couldn’t quite manage. Every time it shifted, the air around it crackled with an electrical charge, the kind that made your hair stand on end and your fillings ache.

"Ah, Rogue of Eldhaven," it said, and I immediately recognised the voice. The same faux-Slacker that had tried to convince me to turn tail earlier. "You’ve proven yourself more perceptive than most. A shame it won’t help you now."*

“Wow,” I said, clapping slowly. “I’d like to thank the Academy, my agent, and all the little people I stepped on to get here.”

The Overseer’s form twisted slightly, tendrils of light curling outward before snapping back into itself.

"So, you’re the Overseer of my climb, I take it?" I asked. “Can I call you Hal?”

"You stand before me, mortal, yet you ask who I am? Is your hubris boundless?" The voice was a low snarl, layered with echoes that seemed to emanate from everywhere at once. "Yes, I am the Overseer. I watch, I judge, and I execute the will of this Tower."

“Yeah, well, nice to meet you too,” I said. “Let me guess: this is the part where you tell me I’m not worthy, I’ll never make it to the top, and so on. Can we just skip to the bit where I prove you wrong?”

The void-face flickered for a moment. "Bold words for someone who stumbled through the first challenge like a blind infant. But no matter. The Tower is patient, and it always wins."

Notifications flared in my vision, the System chiming in like an overly enthusiastic football commentator:

New Quest Unlocked: Trial of the Overseer

- Thwart the Overseer and complete the first floor.

- Warning: Failure will result in immediate expulsion or death.

Environment Buff Activated: Judgment's Gaze

- Enemies gain +20% attack accuracy while Overseer is present.

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“Awesome,” I said. “Let me guess: you’re one of those bosses who likes to monologue before the fight?”

"You are an anomaly, Rogue of Eldhaven," it said, its tone as sharp as broken glass. "There has, seemingly, been much invested much in you. Let us see if that investment was a mistake."

“Trust me, it absolutely, absolutely was,” I said. “I’m just a guy, standing in front of an arrogant void sprite, asking it to love him.”

The Overseer extended one shimmering limb. "The trial begins. Prove yourself… or be forgotten."

“I’m really, really forgettable, mate. Honestly. I think my record is firm on that. Look, before we start, do I at least get a map to this place or are we just winging it?"

Dialogue Option: Smarmy Retort selected. Overseer’s patience -1

"Proceed," it growled, the light of its form flickering ominously. "Or perish like the rest."

Another set of notifications popped up as the Overseer vanished:

Trial Buff Unlocked: +5% Resilience for surviving the Overseer’s introduction without vomiting.

- New Hazard Discovered: Malicious Geometry.

- Helpful Hint: Keep your eyes on the path. Trust nothing else.

“Great,” I said. “We’re off to a flying start.”

The floor lit up ahead, revealing a pattern of glowing runes etched into the stone tiles. They pulsed in an erratic rhythm, shifting and rearranging themselves like they were playing a game I hadn’t been invited to join.

Trap Detected: Shifting Glyph Floor.

- Warning: Incorrect steps may trigger environmental hazards, including but not limited to explosions, spike traps, or fatal embarrassment.

"Fatal embarrassment," I said. "Brilliant. Because what I really needed was a side order of shame with my potential death."

I stepped onto the first tile cautiously, only for it to flare red beneath my foot. A low rumble shook the chamber, and the adjacent tiles began to collapse into the abyss.

My notifications exploded:

Environmental Hazard Activated: Pitfall (Fall damage: fatal).

Buff Triggered: Lazy Reflexes – Enemies and hazards react slower to movement.

Skill Progression: Dodge – Level Up!

I scrambled backwards, my heart hammering as the pit swallowed the tiles I’d just vacated. The air around me buzzed with energy as the floor rearranged itself once more, the runes glowing mockingly.

"Okay," I said, wiping the sweat from my brow. "So, trial and error it is."

The chamber itself wasn’t doing me any favours.

The walls surfaces were slick with some kind of unidentifiable slime that seemed to move when I wasn’t looking. Here and there, spikes jutted from the ground at unnatural angles, their tips glistening with what I could only assume was the dried blood of previous adventurers who’d failed to figure out the rules.

Above, the stalactites continued to drip their acid-like substance, each drop hissing as it hit the ground and releasing a faint wisp of smoke.

"Right," I said, glancing around for any kind of clue that didn’t involve risking my life. "This is giving me serious Scooby-Doo vibes, and I don’t appear to have a snack-bribed talking dog to bail me out."

Pop Culture Reference Noted. System Amusement Level: +5.

Hint: You’re Shaggy.

"Glad you’re entertained," I said, stepping onto a new tile and holding my breath as it glowed green. “Let’s just hope I live long enough for the System to develop a sense of humour.”

The Trial Overseer materialised again as I stepped forward, the flicker of static heralding its arrival. Its face swirled now, pulsing faster as though enjoying my struggle.

"Interesting," it said, "you stumble forward, Rogue, as though the light of hope still burns within you. How quaint."

"Quaint?" I asked, stepping onto another green tile and watching a series of nearby spikes retract. "Listen, mate, if you’re going to critique me, at least try not to sound Shakespearean when you do so. What’s next? You going to insult my ruff? You don’t like the cut of my jib?"

"Your flippancy will be your undoing," the Overseer intoned, its form briefly flickering into something resembling a Rorschach test.

Oh, I know this one. My parents staring at me with a look of disappointment.

"Yeah, yeah. Big scary voice. Bad vibes. Got it. But just so you know, calling this ‘flippancy’ is giving me way too much credit."

The lights on the floor shifted again, a fresh pattern emerging that made absolutely no sense. I took a moment to study them.

The Overseer leaned in—or at least, I think it did. Its amorphous form didn’t exactly lend itself to standard body language. "Do you even know why you’re here, Rogue of Eldhaven?"

"To climb a Tower, fight some monsters, get the girl and hopefully avoid getting skewered by sentient geometry?" I asked. "Or is this one of those existential questions where the answer’s, like, ‘to suffer’ or something?"

The Overseer let out a sound that might have been a laugh. "You are here because you are unworthy. And this Tower will strip away the illusions you cling to, layer by layer, until nothing remains but the truth."

"Cool story, bro" I said, stepping onto another tile and wincing as it turned red. The walls groaned, and a burst of spikes shot up inches from my leg. "But if we could maybe hold off on the psychoanalysis until I’m not in mortal peril, that’d be great."

James, my man, a familiar voice drawled, and this time I was sure it was actually The Great Slacker. You ever notice how the harder someone tries to knock you down, the more it says about them than you?

I paused mid-step, balancing precariously on a green tile. "What’s your point?”

The point, it said is that effort is exhausting. You? You’re a breeze. Just a guy with a knack for not giving a shit in the right way at the right time. That Overseer, though? It’s shitting bullets trying to outwit you. Do you feel that imbalance?

"So...what? I should just annoy it to death?"

Exactly! the Great Slacker chirped, Why exhaust yourself outthinking something when you can outlast it? Let it burn through its effort while you keep on coasting. That’s the art of maximum laziness: letting someone else do all the hard work of hating you.

"So, the plan here is to just me it to death?

That’s the spirit!" the Great Slacker said. Just remember, the only thing more powerful than a villain's rage is their eventual burnout. Now, go make some smug light-fiend absolutely furious.

And just like that, the voice faded, leaving me with an uncanny sense of cosmic reassurance. Because who needs divine intervention when you’ve got the ultimate life hack of being an annoying twat to fall back on.

As I continued forward, the Overseer’s voice followed me."You will fail, Rogue. Your kind always does."

"My kind?" I asked, hopping onto another green tile and narrowly avoiding a patch of acid dripping from the ceiling. "What, people with a healthy sense of sarcasm? Or is this some kind of anti-Freeloader prejudice?"

"You jest, but this Tower has seen many like you. Heroes. Pretenders. Fools. All thought they could conquer it. None remain."

"Right," I said, pausing as the tiles rearranged themselves again. "Quick question: If no one’s ever made it out alive, how exactly do you get repeat visitors? You guys offering a loyalty program I don’t know about?"

"Mockery will not save you."

"No, but it’s keeping me sane, so you’re just going to have to deal with it."

Achievement Unlocked: Annoy the Overseer.

- Reward: +5 XP

- Insight Skill Progression: +10%

"Well, would you look at that? I’m already levelling up, and I haven’t even finished the floor yet."

The Overseer didn’t respond immediately. The silence was more worrying than its taunts had been, and for a moment, I hesitated. Had I pushed it too far?

And then the floor beneath me shifted violently, the tiles rearranging themselves in a way that left me stranded on a precarious strip of green with red glowing on all sides.

"Oh, come on," I muttered. "That’s just petty."

Environmental Threat Activated: Malicious Geometry.

- Tiles will now rearrange every 30 seconds.

- Hint: Don’t stand still.

"Awesome! Annoying this thing has really come in clutch for me here," I said, hopping to the next safe tile just as the one beneath me turned an ominous shade of red and promptly exploded. A puff of smoke curled around my boots.

Very demure. Very mindful.

"You think you can win this game, Rogue?" the Overseer snarled."You think your insolence will carry you to the top?"

"No," I said brightly, stepping onto another green tile as a section of the nearby wall slid open with an agonising screech. Acid-dripping stalactites emerged from the opening, one of them hissing audibly like a venomous snake. "But it’s definitely going to make me more fun to watch. You’re welcome, by the way."

The Overseer’s glow contorted, the swirling light within it flaring violently. For a brief, glorious moment, I thought it might lose its temper entirely and come at me. Honestly, I’d have paid good gold to see that.

"You mock forces beyond your comprehension."

I gave it a casual shrug, skipping onto another green tile without even glancing down. A series of spikes shot up behind me, narrowly missing my heels. "Look, if the forces want to hand out comprehension, I’m all ears. Right now, all I’m seeing is a glowstick with anger management issues. Not exactly terrifying, is it?"

The Overseer’s form twisted violently, its tendrils lashing out as though it wanted nothing more than to tear me apart.

I grinned.

"Don’t strain yourself," I added, waving my hand dismissively as I made an exaggerated hop to the next tile. "I’d hate for you to pull something."

"You—" it started, but the words cut off abruptly as its form flickered, the light within dimming momentarily. Then, just as quickly, it vanished completely, leaving only the faint smell of singed air and the echo of its impotent fury.

"Hey, don’t quit now!" I called after it, hands cupped around my mouth. "We were just starting to bond!"

Achievement Unlocked: Master of Shenanigans.

- Bonus XP for escalating the Overseer’s existential crisis.

Trial Buff Activated: Overseer’s Patience Reduced by 20%.

- Note: Keep going. It’s working.

I smirked, stepping lightly onto the next tile. "All right, Tower. Let’s see how much more fun we can have."