"The universe has a way of guiding the patient. But if it insists on hurrying, one must learn to stroll through fate."— The Tao of Idleness, Book 3, Verse 8
We reached Lia’s home just as the sun began dipping below the horizon, casting long shadows that stretched across the woods. I’m not sure what I had expected from a place of civilisation in this world, but it would be fair to say Eldhaven took my breath away at first sight. It loomed above me, its towering walls a cross between medieval fortifications and someone’s steampunk wet dream. Massive wooden barricades bristled with spikes while strange metal contraptions sprouted from the towers, steam hissing and gears grinding at every turn. The whole place was giving a Gormenghast-as-visualised-by-an-industrious-Gnome vibe, and I was very much here for it.
“Home sweet home,” Lia said through gritted teeth.
As we approached, I tried not to stare too much like a slack-jawed yokel. Lia hadn’t had too many more questions about my place of origin, but I sensed it wouldn’t do to be too amazed by everything I came across. And this was definitely a place that took itself very seriously, even though it had the atmosphere of a prepper who’d over-cartered for an apocalypse that never came. A pair of guards in heavy chainmail stood at the entrance, halberds gleaming under the flickering lanterns. Their eyes narrowed as we emerged from the treeline, but their posture immediately relaxed once they saw Lia.
“Back already?” the taller of the two asked, stepping forward.
“Yeah, had some nastiness when I caught up with the wolves. But they won’t be bothering anyone again,” she said, nodding towards the corpses I’d half-forgotten we were dragging behind us.
The guard’s gaze flicked from the dead wolves to me, and then back to Lia. “Picked up a stray, did you?”
I bristled, but Lia smirked. “This is James. He’s... a Rogue.”
Both guards blinked, the second one straightening up immediately. “A Rogue, you say?”
I could practically see the gears turning in their heads. I didn’t know much about this world yet, but apparently, Rogues were either highly respected or extremely feared. Either way, I guessed that it worked out in my favour. Maybe.
“Uh, yeah,” I said, playing along. “You know, sneaky stuff, backstabbing, all that.” I waved a hand vaguely. The guards exchanged a knowing look, nodding with what I was going to assume was newfound respect.
Two men wearing leather aprons appeared from behind the guards and pushed passed them, heading straight for the wolf corpses. Neither of them acknowledged either myself nor Lia, but as no one else seemed bothered by them, it seemed rude for me to comment. The taller of the two bent down to touch the first wolf, the headless one, and then turned to his mate.
“Medium Quality pelt on this one. Probably High on the other two. Five steaks each, too.” Finally, he looked at Lia and gave her the smallest of nods. “Decent haul. I’ll knock it off your father’s debt.”
And with that, the bodies vanished and the quieter of the two was suddenly carrying a tray of meat, whilst the speaker had what looked to me like three of the nicest wolf skin rugs I’d ever seen. “Always a pleasure, Lia,” the chatty one said, and with that, they both returned inside.
Lia’s face had flushed bright red at the interaction. “Alright, let’s get inside,” she said gruffly, brushing past the guards without waiting for a response. They stepped aside quickly. It looked as if they had been embarrassed at what had just passed too.
Inside its walls, Eldhaven bustled with life. Merchants hawked wares from wooden stalls, children and dogs dashed between carts, and blacksmiths hammered away at glowing metal. The place was a far cry from the grim, rundown settlements I might have imagined I’d come across in a fantasy world—this one seemed, I don’t know, alive. I hadn’t logged on to Azeroth since the Lich King expansion, but my first impression of Eldhaven took me back there almost immediately. My psyche obviously hadn’t had to stretch itself too much in creating this world– everything I was seeing was all straight out of central casting. Pretty much everyone I looked at was an NPC who had a story to tell and every corner obviously clearly offered me any number of new quests.
It was a lot.
“Hang on here for a moment,” Lia said, pointing to a spot on the ground with a gesture I didn’t love, to tell the truth. I’m all for domineering women, but, you know, context is king. Ordering me to ‘wait’ in the middle of a crowded street didn’t do wonders for my self-esteem. And she didn’t even leave me with a treat before she vanished off to speak to a Merchant who visibly quailed at her approach. I couldn’t quite make out what she said to him, but the interaction had all the signs she was reaming him out for something.
I wasn’t sure what drew me to the quieter street to my right. Maybe it was the faint smell of something fried drifting from it, or maybe it was just my natural tendency to immediately fail to do something I was told. Either way, as I hovered at the edge of the alley, I noticed a shadowy figure lounging against the wall. It might have been my raging paranoia, but the figure’s posture was far too louche to be anything other than a studied pose.
“Lost your way, child?” the man said, barely lifting his head. His voice was like a sigh from someone who’d spent a lifetime napping.
“Maybe. But then again, I’m not really sure where I’m supposed to be.”
“Now, that is a philosophy for life worth following,” the figure chuckled, the sound rolling around lazily like the end of a long tug on a pipe. He was dressed in worn, simple robes and his eyes, half-closed, seemed to watch me without ever really seeming to focus. “Idle hands, they say, are the devil’s tools—but maybe, just maybe, the devil’s onto something.”
“Okay . . . so, that was random. Gnostic, though. I dig it.”
The man’s lips curved into a smile. “I am but a wanderer, much like you, child. A traveller on the path of least resistance.” He paused and winked at me. “I have walked many worlds, seeking the same thing you now, reluctantly, chase.”
“I’m not chasing anything, mate. Running is what got me into this mess in the first place.”
“Ah, yes. Perhaps ‘chase’ was not quite the right word. My apologies. Seeking, rather? You seek the path of doing... absolutely nothing.”
“That’s... weird. Mate, are you okay?”
The figure gave a slow, exaggerated nod as if acknowledging a secret truth. “Okay? No. But prophetic? Yes. Inaction, when understood deeply, is the greatest action of all, as you will come to know. To drift, to let the world carry its own burden—that is the way things should be.” He glanced up, his eyes properly meeting mine for the first time. I didn’t think I liked them. Or him. “Doesn’t it feel familiar, this place? Like this is exactly where you are supposed to be?”
“I mean, I don’t want to cause you an existential crisis or anything, but as far as I figure it, you’re just an idea in a really weird dream I’m having.”
“Dreams are only real until you wake,” the man replied. “I must tell you, though. This is no dream. But neither is it wholly real. What if the only thing that’s real is the drifting—the not doing?”
“So... you're saying this isn’t just some coma fantasy? That’s the sort of thing a figment of imagination would say, isn’t it?”
The man tilted his head back and looked at the sky. “What is the difference between fantasy and reality, when both require so little effort? I can tell you, without breaking any confidences, that you’re here for a purpose, whether you accept it right now or not. The world will unfold regardless, but how you sit back and let it unfold... now that is where your true strength lies.”
“Right. True strength. Awesome. Sit back. Let it unfold. Check. I’m all aboard the inaction train. But what exactly am I supposed to do with this... wisdom?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” The man smiled, and for the first time, I thought it was genuine. “That is the whole point, after all. Let the world come to you, and let it drift by, James. Just... let it be.”
“How do you know my name?”
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
But the man’s eyes were already closing, his body sinking further into the shadow of the alley. I’m not going to lie, if he’d been a Cheshire Cat, all I would have been able to see of him now was his teeth. “I know many things. The Tao of Idleness teaches that effort is the enemy of success. Sometimes, the greatest purpose is found in the spaces between action, in the moments where you simply... exist.”
Before I could respond to that particular brand of cereal box philosophy, a voice broke through the fog. “James!” Lia’s shout grabbed my attention and when I looked back at the mysterious figure, the alley was now empty, as if the man had never been there at all.
“James!” Lia’s voice was sharper this time, and I felt a tug of annoyance at the tone. As I ambled back to the courtyard, the man’s words lingered in my mind, and I resisted the urge to interact with any other random strangers as I went. Knowing my luck, I’d end up triggering a whole new quest line.
“We need to see the Elders,” Lia said without any further ado, walking a way from me towards a large building at the centre of the courtyard. It looked more like a fortress than a town hall, complete with its own towers and battlements.
“Everything okay?” I asked, noticing her expression was even grimmer than usual.
“Fine. Just bored of people taking advantage. There’s laws around gambling, you know!”
I had no idea what I was supposed to make of that. “So, the Elders?” I asked. “What’s the deal there?”
“They’ll want to know about the wolves—and you.”
Me? What about me? The last thing I needed was to stand in front of some council and try to explain my presence without spilling the beans about my whole Freeloader thing. I could barely lie convincingly when my mum asked if I’d got out of bed that day.
As we approached the entrance, a couple of other fantasy archetypes tried to engage Lia in conversation, but she merely gave curt nods in return. One of them, a giant bear-like man, tried to get her to look at a scroll he had in his hand, but she brushed him off. “Not the time, Orulk. Take it up with my dad.”
“I’ve tried Lia. But he’s been drinking all day . . . “
“I don’t have time for this right now. I need to speak to the Elders. Come,” she barked at me, and like a good little puppy, I followed. I wanted to take offence at the way she was treating me, but I had a lot on my mind right now. Brand name Obi-Wan in the alley had freaked me out a little and I was losing confidence in my ‘this is all a dream’ position. Was it possible this was real? Fucking hell. Also, I had no idea if I could keep up the Rogue act under serious questioning. Anyone with a name like ‘the Elders’ was going to see through me in an instant. I just knew it. So, yeah, my saviour treating like shit was going to have to take a ticket and get in line for my attention.
“Just follow my lead,” Lia said under her breath as we reached the massive wooden doors. “And for the love of the Maker, don’t make me look foolish.”
“As if anything in the world could make you look foolish,” I whispered back, apparently thinking now was the perfect time for a little light flirting.
She didn’t respond, which – to be honest - was entirely fair. Fuck. I have no literally no interpersonal skills at all.
The doors creaked open, and we were ushered inside by two more guards—these ones even more heavily armoured than the ones outside. Great. The room we entered was massive – far bigger on the inside than it had looked from the outside. We are talking full-on TARDIS territory here. Its stone walls were lined with tapestries depicting the casual slaughter of various armies, and the dim glow of torches cast them in a particularly unpleasant light. At the far end of the room sat a semi-circle of Elders—five of them, all draped in robes that probably weighed more than I did. Each one had an air of authority that made me feel about two inches tall.
Lia stepped forward confidently, bowing her head slightly in respect. I tried to mimic her, but it mostly resulted in an awkward nod. Stop. Trying. So. Hard.
“Elders, I’ve returned,” she said, her voice echoing in the hall. “The wolves that have been terrorising the outskirts of our territory have been dealt with.”
“Well done, my dear,” one of them said. I couldn’t tell which. “Payment has been made. Although, if you wish, we can direct the funds to your father’s account. We hear . . . “
“Yes, please.” Lia interrupted. “That would be best. I should also note that I did not complete this task alone. I had... unexpected assistance.”
All five Elders turned their gaze toward me, eyes narrowing in unison. I swallowed hard. This was it. The moment they called me out for being a fraud, and I’d be kicked out—or worse. An image of Lia spinning around and bisecting me in two with one swing of her blade rushed forward in my mind. Nice.
“Assistance, you say?” one of the Elders, an elderly woman who reminded me a little of my reception teacher, Mrs Khanam, spoke first. “This man helped you?”
“Yes,” Lia replied. “He’s a newcomer to this realm. And he’s a Rogue.”
A collective murmur of appreciation spread through the room, during which I did my best to keep my expression neutral. Fuck. Here it comes . . .
“A Rogue?” another Elder, a tall, thin man who had no noticeable chin, leaned forward slightly. “How fortunate! We’ve not seen one of your kind in these parts for many a long year. But what brings a great one such as yourself to Eldhaven, stranger?”
“Uh, well...” I started, my mind racing for something that sounded believable. “You know... Roguish things. Secret motivations and unknown aims. You know how it goes with us guys.”
“Roguish things,” the Elder repeated, “I see.”
I glanced at Lia, who had the faintest hint of a grin on her face. She appeared to be enjoying my obvious discomfort.
However, before the conversation could spiral any further, the first Elder spoke again. “Well, it is not for the likes of us to parse too closely your intent, sir. Safe to say, we are grateful for your assistance to Lia in dealing with the wolves which have been terrorising our people. I will just note that Eldhaven could use the talents of a skilled Rogue in these trying times. Although, I would very much doubt we could afford your fee.”
“Right,” I said, my voice cracking slightly. “Well, I have a sale on right now. A sort of ‘buy one, get one free’ sort of thing. So, you know, happy to help out. Roguishly.”
The Elders exchanged glances, clearly interested. This was going better than I’d expected. They seemed to have bought my act—although I sensed this was probably because no one here had the faintest idea what a Freeloader was. And seemingly even less of a Rogue.
I might just make it through this after all.
"Thank you for your kind offer, Rogue," the tall Elder said. "Your skills will no doubt be useful to us in the days ahead. You’ve earned the gratitude of Eldhaven."
Congratulations! You have earned 500 Reputation with Eldhaven.
Reputation? My life was really leaning into the whole RPG vibe. Health bars, mana bars, skill trees… the works. A little niggle scratched the back of my mind, and I thought back to the man in the alley. Fuck. Was this actually happening?
Lia gave me a nudge with her elbow. “You’re supposed to say thank you,”
“Oh, right. Thanks, man. I mean... you’re welcome.” I nodded at the Elders, trying to look as Rogue-ish as possible. If only I had a hood to pull over my face dramatically—then they’d have no doubt I was a certified stealth master.
One of the other Elders, a fat man with a beard that looked like somewhere out there, a badger was missing its coat, put his hands under his chin in a silly little triangle. "A Rogue is a rare thing indeed. I imagine you’ve trained for many years to reach your current level of expertise?"
“Uh, yeah. Loads of training. All the time.” I gave a vague shrug. “You know, sneaking around... lurking... ninjaring about...”
Lia cleared her throat, obviously trying to suppress a laugh.
The Elders, however, exchanged impressed glances at this further proof of my Rogue brilliance. I’d never realised how far vague, lazy answers could get me in life. Maybe freeloading really was my calling.
“I imagine you must be well-versed in the ways of the shadows, then,” Badger Elder continued. “Perhaps you could assist us with... a delicate matter?”
A delicate matter? The way he said it made me nervous. But before I could weasel my way out of whatever mess they were about to drag me into, another prompt popped up in my vision.
Quest Unlocked: Shadow of Eldhaven
Description: The Elders of Eldhaven seek your assistance with a difficult task. They believe your Rogue skills will be invaluable to the village.
Reward: 500 Experience, 1000 Reputation, and a Mystery Item.
Accept? Yes / No
Oh, come on! I mentally groaned. Even the quests here were designed to rope me into more work. Mystery Item, though... that part sounded tempting. But I wasn’t about to get myself killed for the sake of a shiny loot box. Yet. Especially if, as I was starting to seriously worry, this might not be a figment of my imagination.
“And, of course, Lia, we would ask for you to take part also. Indeed, should you agree to lead the expedition, I am sure representations can be made with certain . . . parties about postponing imminent action.”
Lia blushed again and looked my way. It wasn’t quite a beseeching look – mostly because I don’t really know what that word means – but I got the gist.
“Yes,” I said, because of course I did. I mean, what choice did I have? The Elders seemed eager for my involvement in whatever the ‘difficult task’ was, and something was obviously going on with Lia that she needed my help with. It went a little against my grain to get involved, but in the first place, I owed her for the wolf save. And in the second, well, her feeling grateful towards me wasn’t going to make it harder to get into her loincloth, was it?
As soon as I accepted, though, a sense of accomplishment washed over me. Was this how people who actually did work felt all the time? No wonder they kept going. And with that, another prompt appeared because, apparently, this world thought I needed constant reminders of my progress. It was almost like I might have had a history of not following through on my plan . . .
You have accepted the Quest: Shadow of Eldhaven.
Your new task will be automatically updated in the background. Quest progress will continue even while you’re offline.
Wait, what? I blinked in confusion. Offline? What did it mean by ‘offline’!? Was I missing something? Did that mean I didn’t have to actually... do anything? I tried to access the quest tab in my mental HUD, scrolling through the options. Sure enough, under “Shadow of Eldhaven,” there was a little percentage bar slowly ticking upwards.
Quest Progress: 1%
I’d done literally nothing, and the quest was progressing. A grin spread across my face. This... this was perfect. It was almost like this new world had been designed for a slacker like me to thrive. It looked like I just had to accept the quest, and it would sort itself out in the background. Maybe there would be no need to actually do the ‘roguish’ things the Elders assumed I was capable of, and I’d still score one in the win column with Lia . . .
“What are you so happy about?”
“Nothing,” I replied quickly, waving off Lia’s question. “Just... you know... happy to help you all out!”
She didn’t look convinced. “Well, try not to get too comfortable. I don’t trust the Elders any more than I trust those wolves you nearly fed yourself to.”
“Noted,” I muttered, checking my quest progress again. 2%. Perfect..
Suddenly, a different notification popped up, this time accompanied by a low chime:
Level Up!