"True wisdom is not in slaying dragons, but in avoiding the cave entirely. Let someone else handle the heavy lifting."— The Tao of Idleness, Book 3, Verse 14

Turns out, you really should listen when crafty Elders are giving out important mission details. Firstly, because that’s just good old-fashioned politeness. But secondly, because it’s pretty hard to back out of something you didn’t even realise had suddenly moved from being ‘their’ problem, to ‘yours’.

For the umpteenth time, I looked at the small group I’d somehow been assigned to and gave a deep sigh. I didn’t sign up for this. Well, no. Technically, I absolutely did, but that’s only because I nodded absentmindedly at the wrong moment. No judgement, please! Lia was stretching at the time, and her armour . . . shifted in a most interesting way. Nevertheless, I maintain it’s wrong to take advantage of a guy when he’s thinking with the wrong part of his body. Mind you, I always knew my cock would get me into trouble. I must confess, though, I never expected it to lead me into playing the role of a Rogue in a death trap of a dungeon the Elders feared had fallen to ‘the Shadow’.

Yeah. They used the capital S. I’m so screwed.

I should have stayed in Eldhaven, found a nice dark pub to drop off in, and pretended to be busy like a proper Freeloader. My Idle XP Gains would go up whether I was here or not. But no. Here I am, standing outside a literal cave of nightmares, with a bunch of adventurers gearing up like we were going into some kind of Lord of the Rings extended edition.

I took another deep breath, trying to still my rising worry. The Elders had been very insistent about me joining this dungeon run. Apparently, my "Rogue skills" would be invaluable for sneaking past traps, scouting ahead, and generally being an all-around badass solution to the problem. Awesome. Great. I’ll get right on that. The problem? I have no Rogue skills. None. Zero. Nada. Nich. And we were now a long way past the time I could tell them that.

I have a long-term friend from school who knows me as ‘Ralph’ because I’d missed the window of opportunity to correct his misunderstanding on Day One of Reception. I was even an usher at his wedding. Twelve years in and counting because the embarrassment will just be too acute to fix. Well, no. Not counting anymore. Because I’m dead, aren’t I? Sleep well, poor Ralph. We hardly knew ye.

I looked over at Lia, who was sharpening her sword like all this was just a normal Tuesday afternoon stroll. She had this look of calm focus on her face that made me feel about as resilient as Villa’s backline during the Gerard years. Her armour literally gleamed in the dim light – like proper endgame Paladin shit - and her every movement was careful, efficient and perfectly effective. Look, the babe has game, alright. She caught me staring and raised an eyebrow.

“Having second thoughts?”

“First thoughts, actually.”

She chuckled, sheathing her sword with a flourish. “You’ll be fine, ‘Rogue’. “

She’s not wrong – obviously – but it would be lovely if Lia could stop putting the inverted commas in there. “I’m not sure about ‘fine’. But I’m pretty good at not dying. Permanently so, at least.”

“There are worse talents to have.” Her eyes flicked to the cave entrance. “Look, if you’re worried about anything, just stay close to me. I’ve made this run loads of times, and even if the Elders think something has changed in there of late, I think they’re overselling it. It’ll be just like the wolves. Quick in. Quick out. No drama.”

No drama. We’ve a very different memory of our encounter with the wolves. Foremost in my mind, though, was that I worried I might be needed in here. Almost as if in response to my thought, a notification screen popped up in front of me, hammering home the looming disaster I was about to face.

[Dungeon: The Forgotten Caverns]

Status: Evolved. (Aspect: Shadow)

Recommended Level: 5-10. Party Size: 5-8.

Party Members:

- Lia – Warrior (Lvl 15)

- Ivor – Mage (Lvl 8)

- Elsie – Healer (Lvl 9)

- Kal – Hunter (Lvl 10)

- James – Rogue (Lvl ???)

Looking at the group, it was clear everyone else was prepped and ready to go while I... well, I had my stick. And I was a fucking Level 2! What exactly was I going to add to this showdown that one of the others couldn’t do in their sleep? And it wasn’t even like anyone had offered me any useful gear upgrades. Everyone seemed to assume my "Rogue skills" explained my lack of decent equipment. They hadn’t even offered to swap out my wet jeans and hoodie. Man, I was stuck in this lie so deep, I couldn’t see daylight.

"Let’s get moving," Lia said, leading the way into the cave like she was stepping into a spa day. I watched her for a moment, wondering if there was some sort of law about a Level 2 trying it on with a Level 15? I mean, she probably had enough Strength to snap me in two, didn’t she? Oddly – man, I’m fucked up – that just made me want it more.

I took a sniff of the fetid air around me which acted as an impromptu cold shower. This place smelled like old socks and decaying wood, the kind of place where a great many someones had obviously died, and no one ever bothered to clean them up. Just the perfect setting for a complete disaster. I thought back to the dude in the alley and wondered at the message he was trying to get across to me. What if this wasn’t a coma dream? If not, I probably should be taking the prospect of Dungeon Delving with absolutely no available, active Skills slightly more seriously . . .

“Fuck it. In for a penny,” I said, following the others in. Almost immediately, another notification dinged into life.

[Idle Quest Activated: Dungeon Exploration]

- Tasks:

- Follow the party.

- Avoid combat.

- Collect loot.

What the hell was an "Idle Quest"? Well, okay, I knew what an idle game was—I’d spent enough time playing Clicker Heroes when I should have been job hunting—but having one pop up right now was... unsettling. Still, if it meant avoiding combat, I was all for it. I could hang back and let the others do the fighting which suited me just fine. Maybe this Freeloader class wasn’t so bad after all.

We ventured deeper into the cave, and the party immediately started splitting off into their respective roles. Kal scouted ahead, his bow ready to fire. Lia, acting as the group’s Tank, held the centre, her sword raised and ready for action. Ivor and Elsie kept just behind her, the former whispering spells under his breath while the latter clutched a staff with a glowing crystal on top.

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And me? Well, I tried to keep a respectable distance at the back, far enough to avoid getting killed but close enough to pretend I was still a crucial, valid part of the team. You know, classic Rogue behaviour. That’s me. All about the strategy.

As we moved, I couldn’t help checking Lia out, trying to distract myself from the ominous growls echoing from deeper within the cave. She moved with such ease as if this whole dungeon thing was just another day at the office. She’d tied her hair back in a tight ponytail that did an awful lot for her. Lia was obviously only here because of some sort of massive financial fuck-up on behalf of her father, so – deep down – she was clearly a good, honourable person too. I wondered how easy it would be, when this little run was over, to persuade her to make a series of regrettable life choices.

For some reason, this setup reminded me, briefly, of the time I tried to impress an ex by joining her on a rock climbing trip. It had been a complete disaster, mostly because I forgot to mention my fear of heights. She’d climbed the wall with ease, like some kind of feral spider monkey, while I clung to the first foothold like a cat stuck on a curtain. The relationship didn’t last much longer after that. Wondered what made me think of that?

“You good back there, ‘Rogue’?” Lia called from over her shoulder.

“Living the dream. Enjoying the . . . scenery.”

A notification pinged.

Idle Task Completed: Follow the Party – 10 XP Gained

Seriously? I got XP just for reluctantly following along? Awesome. I wonder how much XP I still needed to reach Level 3? Maybe if all this went well, and I played my part, Lia would appreciate a couple more points in Endurance . . .

My ardour was quickly cooled, however, when, not much of a stroll later, we came upon a wide chamber, the first major room of the dungeon. It was dimly lit by some kind of glowing fungus on the walls. And, of course, there were plenty of enemies running about. Because why wouldn’t there be?

Enemies Detected: Giant Spiders (Lvl 7)

Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?

“Stay behind me, all of you,” Lia ordered, drawing her sword. She looked at me and nodded. “Perfect time for us to see those Rogue skills in action!”

“Yeah, uh, sure. I’ll... check the perimeter,” I said, backing away as quickly as I could to the shadows.

Task Available: Avoid Combat – 15 XP Gained Upon Completion

Avoid combat? You betcha.

The first spider lunged at Lia from out of the shadows, a blobby dark mass of spindly legs and spitting venom. In response, Lia moved too fast to follow—her sword licking out with a sharp whistle to cleave into the creature’s carapace. The beast screeched, its body collapsing in on itself beneath a spray of something darkly green. Then, the rest of the party sprang into action. Ivor’s hands flared with fiery light, arcs of molten energy bursting forward to smack another spider square in the face. Its mandibles melted under the heat, and it collapsed into a bubbling, shrieking heap. Kal released his first arrow, and I barely heard the twang a second and third followed it to slam into a third spider's abdomen. The thing recoiled, shrieking, but Kal was already nocking further arrows, calm as a winter breeze. Elise, the Healer, was keeping a close eye on Lia, golden energy bursting from her staff anytime a spider actually landed an attack.

Meanwhile, I was doing an excellent job of the noble art of “hiding at the back and not dying.” As cool as the battle looked – and while it might not have been Duel of the Fates, it was still pretty damn impressive - I was very much glad not to be part of it all.

Task Completed: Avoid Combat – 15 XP Gained

Despite the imminent danger, I grinned at the notification. Perfect. I was earning XP by doing exactly what I excelled at—keeping my head down and staying out of trouble. For form’s sake, every now and then, I popped my head out from behind the rock and yelled something encouraging just to make it look like I was participating. I sensed I wasn’t fooling Lia, though. She obviously knew exactly what I was up to, and I could feel her eyes search for me, even when mid-swing.

And then it was over. The last spider crumpled to the floor, its legs curling inward as if it had been fried in an oven. Lia wiped her sword clean on its carcass and turned to face the rest of us. “Room clear. Get looting. Good work, everyone. Well, mostly everyone. Fellow at the back appeared to really have those rocks handled.”

“Yeah, well, rocks can be pretty shifty. You never know when one might try to roll over and crush you. I was ensuring there were no environmental distractions.”

Kal unstrung his bow and gave me a friendly nod. “Nice job, mate! You were right on the money with your positioning. Staying in the shadows, avoiding detection, keeping your eye out for anything dangerous—it’s exactly what I read the Rogues of the past would have done in those circumstances! Textbook execution.”

I blinked. Apparently, I had earned myself a fan. “Oh, yeah. Tell me about it. It’s all about tactics,” I said, trying to sound like I knew what I was talking about. “Gotta make sure you’re... you know, covering all the angles.” If the dude wanted to believe I was some kind of sneaky, roguish mastermind, who was I to ruin the illusion? As long as I kept raking in idle XP for doing nothing, I was golden.

Elsie threw some sort of shield buff on me and smiled. “You’ve got good instincts, friend. I can see why the Elders wanted you on this run.”

Oh, you sweet summer child, I thought. But just kept smiling and nodding back. I’d have felt guilty about the deception, but when you’re freeloading for survival, I’m afraid your ethical compass kind of goes out the window.

Quest Completed: Let the Party Do the Heavy Lifting – 50 XP Gained

After looting mostly useless trash and a few silver coins – my Loot Leach Ability appeared to steal a little from everyone else. That might have made a better man feel guilty. Me? I was planning on which pub I was splurging in this evening - we moved deeper into the cave, the air growing even colder and damper. As we walked, I made sure to keep my distance from any potential threats from the dark corners, sticking to the middle of the path and at the back of the group. Not that I was scared, per se—I just had a very healthy sense of ‘better them than me.’

Lia appeared completely unfazed by the life-and-death struggle she had just fought through. She might have been blackmailed by the Elders into coming along, but she led the group with a calm, confident air. I, on the other hand, kept tripping over rocks and nearly slipping on a barely wet floor. It probably wasn’t entirely clear to her yet that we’d be a perfect couple, but there was still time.

Enjoyably, every few minutes, I’d get the repeated notification.

Idle Task Completed: Follow the Party – 10 XP Gained

Thus, I was racking up the XP. I was sure that, if this kept up, I’d hit a Level 3 without even needing to break a sweat. Freeloader life was looking pretty sweet.

We rounded another corner, coming to a stop in front of a massive stone door, its surface covered in incomprehensible runes. I’d mooched my way through enough RPGs to know what that meant—incoming Sub-Boss fight. The tension in the air immediately ratcheted up.

“Alright, everyone,” Lia said, her tone serious. “This is where the reports are things begin to get gnarly. This should just be a standard Portal Beast, but whatever’s been lurking here lately had slaughtered any team the Elders sent through. Be ready.”

Kal notched an arrow, Ivor began muttering under his breath again, and Elsie’s staff started to glow with a soft, golden light. I, meanwhile, was trying not to hyperventilate. Then Lia turned to me, a wicked glint suddenly coming to her eye. “’Rogue’, you want to check for traps?”

I felt my stomach twist. Me? Check for traps? I didn’t even know how to recognise a trap, let alone disarm one. I glanced at my notifications, hoping for the immediate appearance of some kind of Trap Detection skill or maybe an Accidental Trap Avoidance Ability, but no such luck. Apparently, I was on my own for this one. But everyone was looking at me expectantly, including Lia, who seemed rather too amused by the whole thing.

“Sure. I’ll... take a look.” I said, crouching down and pretending to inspect the door for any signs of danger.

Task: Pretend to Check for Traps – 15 XP Gained

Thank God . . . Satan . . . Budda . . . whoever is listening for Idle Quests.

I reached forward with all the urgency of a man walking to his own execution. The door loomed above me, its runes flaring slightly, as though sensing my approach. For form’s sake, I crouched, squinting at the base of the door, running my fingers lightly along the edge. There were no visible wires, no pressure plates. But there was definitely something... off.

I glanced back at the others, all watching me expectantly, and gave a casual nod, though my insides were doing cartwheels. Fuck it. Time to shit or get off the pot. “Looks clear.” I reached for the handle. The moment my fingers touched it, the runes blazed to life. The door creaked open with an ominous groan, revealing a dark, cavernous space beyond.

“Trap disarmed,” I lied, praying that I hadn’t just triggered the apocalypse.

Kal whistled. “Nice work, mate. I have to say, it is an absolute privilege to see a real-life Rogue at work.”

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t come easy, you know. But, if you put in the work, pay your dues, then you too can . . . ” I trailed off, hoping he didn’t ask for a further demonstration.

Lia shot me a look. I’m not sure I really want to read too much into it right now. “Come on, let’s move. We don’t want to waste time.”

Quest: Survive the Sub-Boss Fight – XP Reward: ???

Oh, fantastic. Because question marks always mean things are going to work out in my favour.