"The idle man walks without care, for his journey has no end. But beware, for even the lazy road may lead to fortune untold." — The Tao of Idleness, Book 4, Verse 2

The path leading from Eldhaven’s gates and into the woods was peaceful in that uncomfortably quiet way that just screamed out ‘forthcoming ambush.’ Mind you, considering the mood Lia was clearly in this morning, I pitied the fool who tried on any of their outlaw shit. I might not have quite got my head around how this world worked yet, but from everything I had seen, Lia’s Level 15 was pretty fucking hardcore. Which made how pissed off she was right now somewhat of a clear and present danger to life.

To be honest, though, I wasn’t sure the silent treatment coming my way was entirely justified. Considering she was the one who had come to my room and asked for my help, Lia had – thus far – been pretty cagey with further details about what we were up to. In fact, she’d barely said two words to me at all since we’d set off. However, as this wasn’t my first rodeo with an audibly ticking woman – Sonia had been perpetually two degrees under eruption - I didn’t need any pretend Rogue Abilities to recognise the implicit, nuclear-level danger in her huffed: ‘I’m fine!’ Trust me, this was one bear trap I wasn’t eager to go anywhere near.

But it wasn’t just the tense silence – nor the inevitability of some armed muppet jumping out of the woods and trying to enforce a Road Tax or some such bollocks – that was bothering me. It was my regularly pinging notifications.

Idle XP Gains: 25 XP from walking.

Loot Leech Activated: 5 coins.

Idle XP Gains: 10 XP from breathing.

Don’t get me wrong, racking up XP for taking a stroll is nice and all, but it felt like The Great Slacker – if that was really who was responsible for all this largess - was laying it on a touch thick. XP for avoiding fighting in a Dungeon? I could get on board with that. 10 XP for breathing . . . nah. Trying too hard. I had no idea what the normal progression curve would be for the people of this world, but moving from nothing to Level 3 in a day when the rest of my Dungeon Delving party had been - Lia aside - sub-Level 10 felt excessively rapid. I was sure the amount of XP per Level would scale up, but if I was going to get a massive wodge as an overnight sleep bonus and then all of these little bits of incidental bullshit kept winging their way to me . . . well, I was going to catch her up sooner rather than later, wasn’t I?

That caused me another little moment where I went back to thinking this all had to be a make-believe-end-of-life-coma-dream. The coincidence of a bloke who had lived the life I had being suddenly transported to a realm where his only talent – doing fuck-all – was richly rewarded, went beyond ‘lucky’. Or even Lucky. When your exceptionally limited skillset turned you into a bona fide legend in a new world, it wasn’t exactly rampaging paranoia to think it might not really be happening. But, as I stroked my chin, pondering this, I winced at the pain of the giant bruise.

Things didn’t hurt in dreams, did they? Fuck. This was actually happening, wasn’t it?

As Lia and I seemed to currently be on a silent movie road trip, I didn’t think it would be too rude for me to pull up my stat sheet and have another look at what I was working with. Oh, and I should probably figure out where to put my new five points. A smile spread over my face as the semi-transparent screen dropped down in front of me. Oh yeah, baby. That new Rogue gear was definitely working out for me.

Name: James Brook

Level: 3 (7% Idle XP Gains)

Class: Freeloader

Health: 128

Mana: 0

Stamina: 54

Strength: 6

Agility: 19

Dexterity: 20

Constitution: 14

Endurance: 4

Intelligence: 10

Wisdom: 10

Charisma: 10

Luck: 16

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Class Abilities:

Borrowed Strength: Your stats increase based on those around you. Find stronger allies to grow more powerful. Random Trigger Modifier.

Lazy Aura (Rank 2): Enemies within range are increasingly likely to lose interest in attacking if you do not engage. Additionally, enemies who become disinterested may leave Loot behind as they leave.

Loot Leech: You passively collect resources from your surroundings.

Passive Assistance (Rank 2): You have mastered the art of doing nothing, while everything happens around you. At this level, as well as reducing the cooldown for the Critical Hit buff to 30 minutes, your mere presence provides a slight boost to nearby allies' effectiveness.

Opportunistic Luck: You are more likely to stumble into beneficial situations by accident. Duration: Permanent.

Lucky Bystander: When in the presence of an ally their combat effectiveness increases by 5%. Duration: Permanent.

Skills:

Stealth (Lvl1)

Unallocated points:

5

I had absolutely no frame of reference for how good any of this was, but to my eyes, those numbers were starting to look ridonculous. I mean, I still wasn’t feeling like a proper badass assassin, but numbers don’t lie, sweet cheeks. My ill-slacker-gotten gear had bumped my Dexterity and Agility up enough that Operation Flee – which I was starting to think of as my signature move – could only be more effective. And my Health had received a minor boost, which added in a little more survivability, too. So, yeah. Feeling good!

So, where to allocate my new points? I was half-tempted to lean into the ‘Rogue’ stats my gear had boosted and go ‘all in’ on Dexterity and Agility. I’d even stuck them in there and was preparing to hit ‘Yes’ to the ‘Are you sure?’ prompt before a little voice in my head made me think again. It was nice to be a bit faster and all, but I needed to remember what I was actually good at. And that was ‘fuck all’. Sure, I was increasingly becoming fast and nimble and could move like the night, but I also had 54 Stamina and would be quickly blowing like my Grandad in a dash for the bar in no time. Even the gentle pace of this morning’s walk was starting to make my Health waver . . .

Nah. Regardless of the cards the Great Slacker seemed to be dealing my way, I needed to go with what I knew. And that was crossing my fingers and hoping all would work out for the best. I dropped 4 points into Luck, bringing it up to a nice round 20 and, after a glance at Lia’s continually angry form, popped the excess into Charisma. Maybe it would help me not to piss her off so much . . .

Just as I finished off, another slew of notifications came through.

Idle XP Gains: 20 XP from breathing

Loot Leech Activated: Basic Stamina Potion

Loot Leech Activated: 5 Gold coins

I downed the potion immediately, not thinking too hard about it appearing at precisely the right moment. I was doing rather well out of all this, wasn’t I? And it wasn’t just these useful incidental rewards. And it wasn’t even all the XP. It was also the realisation I was rapidly becoming pretty damn flush.

I hadn’t thought much about the monetary value of all the gold my Loot Leech ability was pouring in. Not until ‘checking out’ time this morning and I saw the look on the tavern keeper’s face when I pulled out one of my many gold pieces to pay for my room.

“I... I can’t possibly break this, sir,” he had stammered, looking at the gold coin as if it were a live grenade.

“What do you mean?”

“I’d need approval from the Elders to withdraw enough change for such a sizeable sum.”

Well, that didn’t sound at all authoritarian or overbearing. I really wasn’t getting a good vibe about how Eldhaven worked. Permission to get your hands on a bunch of silver change? Fucking hell. The poor dude was sweating through his clothes even thinking about it. “Look, it doesn’t matter, mate. I have loads. Just keep it. Call it a tip. Or an apology for bleeding all over your floor,” I’d said, trying to wave him off.

He'd blinked, then glanced at Lia, who was glaring at me, hands on her hips and a ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ expression. The innkeeper’s hands shook as he took the coin, his voice barely above a whisper and . . . were there tears in his eyes? “I... I don’t think... I mean... this is far too much.”

“Honestly, mate, I slept well. Least I can do. In fact,” I took out a second piece and flicked it to him, ‘here’s a second one to keep the room for me until I get back.”

That had freaked him out even more. He stood there, clutching the gold pieces like they might burn a hole through his palm, eyes darting around the room as if expecting some unseen authority to swoop in and arrest him for the crime of earning a living. I apparently had made his century. In fact, his reaction to the gold had been so extreme that it had given me a super-duper idea, which, in retrospect, I now accept is probably why we’re walking this road in a rather tense silence.

“Here,” I’d said, pulling out a handful of gold coins and holding them out to Lia. “Would this be enough to cover your dad’s debt? If not, I have more. Help yourself.”

Yeah. Professor Hindsight points out that this was not my finest moment.

Lia’s reaction had been instant. Her face had twisted in anger, and she’d slapped my hand away, the coins spilling to the floor. “I don’t need your fucking charity, ‘Rogue’. I’m not some whore you can buy favour from!”

“Hey, bit harsh. I just was offering to help . . . “

“If you want to help, meet me by the gates. I’m not going to be taking any of your money; I’ll clear my father’s debt honestly. And in my own way. You can help my achieve that or you can leave me alone. I couldn’t care less, right now.”

I’d had quite a bit of time since that moment to try to make sense of the reaction. As a guy who never saw a handout he didn’t like, I had to keep reminding myself that, for other people, there’s a profoundly human need to make their own way in the world. Stand on their own two feet. Pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I mean, sure the memory of the look in Lia’s eyes still stung, but I knew it made sense. She was clearly someone who didn’t appreciate shortcuts, and my offer had struck a nerve.

Idle XP Gains: 20 XP from walking

Loot Leech Activated: 3 random resources

I, on the other hand, was very much not that type of someone.