On the outskirts of the fluffened city, and after a little stop to renew my clean pants stat, we had to bid Fernando adieu. Mariana and Irene were playing fetch with a random severed head that resulted suspiciously familiar. They had found it stuck in the boughs of a tree.

“I shall throw the head. “

“Yes. Yes!” Mariana said tapping her forelegs against the ground in excitement.

Irene cast the head away, in the direction of an abandoned, fluffened family house. “I shall recover the head.”

Mariana shoot after the head, miscalculating her strength by a little and thus becoming a wrecking ball against the abandoned building.

“You need to buy her brakes.” Fernando sneered.

“I need to buy your mom’s Onlyfans before she forgets she has one.”

Fernando sighed and stood from the fluffened bank he had been sitting in. “There is no need for you to meet every snarky comment with hostility.”

“You are right, there is no need. I need no need to justify doing something I enjoy so much. I do it Ad Honorem.”

“it’s so beautiful to serve one’s equals, Walter,” he said, smiling and extending a hand. I thought about biting a finger off. Avaunt, intrusive thoughts! I don’t have the morals to resist you. “Walter, you are drooling.”

“Sorry, but… I just thought about something beautiful.” I casted the fishing line.

“Something beautiful?” he bit hook, line and sinker.

I pointed at my crotch “You eating it by the mouthful.”

Sabrina appeared between us, as if she had spawned out of mdi air. That girl had a knack for stealth, as if she had stolen every point her clumsy sister had on it at birth.

“Fernando has a small mouth and, still, I doubt that can fill it,” she said with a shit eating grin.

I crossed my arms. “Bitch, my bitch fuels your little bitch engineer class with supplies.”

“And you need me alive to go back to whence you came from.”

Fernando stepped between us. “You are still hellbent on destroying this place, right?”

I shrugged, “Not really, any alternative way to return to Earth is fine by me.”

Mariana, covered in dust and rubble, zoomed behind me, holding the severed head by the hair, and began trembling. “Walter she wants to take my toy away!”

“That’s how fetching works, Mariana.”

“But this is a bloody toy, it is half food!” she argued making use of two powerful weapons: facts and logic.

“Mariana, just play traditional fetch.”

“I want a dogvorce!” She exclaimed again.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“We… we are just finishing that arc of your idiography”

“We are?... Oh, we are!” she said, let the head go and started panting. “I am so stupid,” She declared as if it were a revelation, and then licked her nose.

Florencia and Cornelio were discussing with Irene in the distance.

“Walter, be honest with me, do you really have plans to destroy the world? Or is all part of this villainous persona you have built around you like a wall.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Persona?”

No manifestation of my fighting spirit arose by my side nor a harem of dubious legality fell form the heavens upon my lap. Damn lying Japanese.

“No one is as much of a cunt as you pretend to be.” He winked, the poor innocent thing.

“I like my world records like I like my pets: fucking broken.”

“In the game sense or in the ‘I should call animal protection services’ sense?” he asked, surprised, blinking as he tried to parse what I had said.

“Mariana is a certified R.G.G and you still have to ask?”

“R.G.G?” asked Sabrina, probably speaking aloud Fernando’s mind too.

“Random Genocide Generator.”

“I only caused the unfortunate deaths of most of the population of two settlements and a whole planet so far!” Mariana protested, defending her honor.

“A whole… planet?” asked Sabrina, lower eyelid twitching.

“A small fucky-wucky we made when travelling through the desert,” I explained absentmindedly. “Those were the good days. I miss the taste of catgirl jerky and hobo blood.”

Mariana was already drooling. Partly, because that was her natural state. But this was intensive drooling now, a salivary glands workout.

“What?” went Fernando, same expression as Sabrina.

“Ask Phaela, Ferfer. And, if you excuse us, I want to get a home, and that means taking over a dungeon.”

“Why would you want to live in a dungeon?”

I thought fast. “I need space for Mariana.”

“You could buy a country house.”

“I need an instanced dimension devoid of children where Mariana cannot accidentally decapitate them.”

Canaver, inside my inventory, began lamenting how boring a childless dimension would be.

Fernando put on the mask of a pensive man. “Why would children be close to your country houses?”

I gave him a long, reassuring stare as a mischievous smile grew on my face.

“Ah, slavery, how original on your part.”

I shook my head. “You don’t know me at all. They would be not slaves. They would be Florencia’s entertainment. I am sure she has a motherly side and I can avoid a great deal of migraines by buying her some children…on the slave market…”I lowered my gaze, pensive. “I should have thought this through beforefoot.”

“You mean beforehand?” Asked Sabrina.

“No, I need something longer and smellier than a hand. Hands are too clean to represent my mind. unless you dunk them in literal shit. Then, beforeshithand.”

Fernando palmed me in the shoulder. “One day I will find a healer able to undo your brain damage, buddy,” he said, pretending worry.

In the moment of annoyed silence that followed, we heard what Flroencia was discussing with the flower dragon.

“Well, no, tell me when I will marry and to who, or I am going to get mad. “

“I shall not. Were I to tell you, you would get madder,” answered Irene, whose snout topography had been inverted by one of Flor’s punches.

“No, I promise I will not.”

“I can see the future, Florencia.” Irene said, tired of the Half elf’s shit.

“Amuse me, sister, punish this gay ensemble,” ordered Cornelio.

“People we are going to beat the Lujestro dungeon!” I announced, Picking a dungeon randomly from the list I had mentally conjured. I had to entertain the bunch of monkeys that were my teammates.

“Ah, maybe that will make you love this world a bit more. That is a …very funny dungeon. Yes.” Fernando backed slowly at first, and then poofed out of sight, leaving a sole flower in its place. Irene became undone, returning to her initial state of being, too, a single Forget-me-not.

“Before we go, let me build some contraptions.”

“We will camp outside the dungeon and you can do it then, Sabrina. You better prove yourself useful,” I tried to be stern with her, there, in that desolate, dog-hair covered street.

“Why don’t you have those expectations placed upon Cornelio as well?”

I leaned into Sabrina’s shoulder and I pointed at her brother as he was commanding Florencia to punch the remaining Forget-Me-Not to mush. “We need a buffoon and beastmaster,” I whispered in her hear, giving her siblings the satisfying stare of a man that considers his litter of French bulldogs is ready to be subjected to training so mentally exerting it would make them die at the first serendipity. Said serendipity could be, for example, fathoming the fact they cannot kill a Grand Dane in a fair fight, and other revelations of similar cognitive difficulty.