It’s not easy to take care of one’s skin while inside a dungeon. There’s nowhere to buy sunscreen, the condoms sold by the local pharmacy are not good at blocking out the bad rays, and, while they make for very good balloon animals in a pinch, they generally don’t make the cut as contraception. I, being a superior individual that knows how to rise above its animalistic impulses, didn’t care about the latter, and I just spent ones I tricked the succubi into buying to raise my Balloon Bending skill.
My belts, forming a reclining chair under me, applauded my achievements. “Behold, an earthworm!” I told them, presenting an unbent condom.
“Ohhh!” said one of my belts, amazed.
“His talent is unparalleled!” added another.
“It’s… similar to his technique to make sea cucumbers, snakes, and very fat and long sausage dogs, but it differs in just the right details,” commented a third.
“I think I begin to see a pattern here…” said another one, and then I stopped paying attention to my adoring public.
As for the rest of my party, they stood around as I managed to drag the succubi aggro almost flawlessly. Well, everyone but Cornelio, who was trying to slip out of Florencia’s grasp and go… play with the girls. Mariana, too, was playing with the succubi, fetching giant dildos that they threw for her. The demons did not benefit from this, but they seemed to enjoy Mariana’s company.
“You are a very good girl, not like those Cerberuses back home.” A dark skinned succubus said as she caressed Mariana’s head.
“They ate me once.” Said another succubus, a petite girl that was pulling her hand back to throw The Anushilator 5000 for Mariana to fetch.
“Only once? They chew me on the daily!” Complained the mandatory resident Pangea-witness and loli succubus.
“Yes, Donna Dimetra is the favorite snack of several dogs in our hood,” confirmed the dark skinned one.
“Yet I only get devoured after they eat that Penny slut. You know what they say…” said Dimetra.
“Cast the goddamed stick you discount whore!” exploded in anxiety Mariana.
Then, a succubus approached from behind me and began massaging my shoulders. “Master Walter, we have obeyed your every small command, and I don’t see you getting aroused. “
“Oh, Penelope, believe me, dear, I am just getting started. Baloloon twisting is a fetish that takes its due time to pick up.” I said, caressing the demonic, purple skin of her hands. “Now get out of there, you are blocking the rays of the neon sign and I am trying to get a tan.”
Sabrina looked at me and shook her head. She didn’t approve of my antics. Ah, but Jerry doesn’t need Tom’s approval. And, what can I say, I do be a bit quirky sometimes.
Realization suddenly washed over me. “Holy fuck.” I exclaimed.
“Praised be the fuck!” said the succubi.
I ignored them, for there was something absolutely wrong with these ladies. “I was promised lusty sexy demons and I am here, among lusty sexy demons and a loli…”I said, standing from my chair.
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I paced around, past the boobthirsty Cornelio, behind the fetching Mariana, by the condom seller and his pharmacy stand that only had sex related products. “This cannot be real,” I muttered.
“Oh, we are so real,” said Rebecca with a tone so sweet and dense one would think it caused more than an amputated leg. She was following me around.
“No… I cannot get positive attention from sexy females. Not even ones that want to steal my soul.”
I grabbed Mariana from the tail as she returned with the Anushilator and I harnessed her momentum to perform a crescent slash with my swoof.
“Swoosh”, said my sword as she cut through Rebecca’s flesh and the demoness proffered an ear-piercing shrill. Thick, warm, salty blue gore washed over my face as Mariana cut diagonally through the demon. I thought I had hit the beaked bastard behind this scheme, with all that blood, but as she fell to the floor cut in two spazzing, bloody halves and with her health depleted, I noticed there were no wires.
“This is wrong…. There needs to be a parrot somewhere in there, controlling her.” I commented, scratching my head.
“What?” Asked Sabrina, horrified and covered in demon innards too.
Taking advantage of the shocked state of the other succubi, I began explaining my train of thoughts, and how it derailed and killed all of its passengers.
“Every one of my experiences involving a promise of sexy women here has been met with birds so far. I thought they were gynoids controlled by parrots, or perhaps ravens. Monk parakeets are discarded because they don’t know about subtlety or stealth. Like, they scream at 5 am for reasons not understood by science, only explainable by religion: they are influenced by Satan. I was an atheist, but, boy, they made me believe in evil forces back in the day. Birds, I thought birds were involved again.”
Cornelio broke out of the lustlust, and when his sisters let him go he walked up to me. Examining yours truly with a single eye, he finally spoke. “What’s your fucking problem?”
“Birds.” I blurted out.
“You have gone mad!”
“You want to screw them and give up your soul.”
“A fair sacrifice for getting to mate with such individuals.”
Then, a fortuitous accident took place, in which my arms (absolutely not prompted by me) decided to act as good Samaritans, and swing the flat of Mariana against Cornelio’s cheek, sending him flying across the room.
“Cataplumchis,” said my sword, who had leveled up her onomatopoeia skill.
Donna Dimetra approached me and poked my butt with a finger. “Listen, sir, that one you killed there was my friend.”
“And what are you going to do about it, sorry attempt at jailbait? I mean, I value your role among succubi: killing the sort of men that would get turned on by you is doable and shit but… I want to take over this dungeon and my sword thirsts for succublood.”
Mariana let the Anushilator go and licked her nose. “Is it edible?”
I licked one of my fingers. Rebecca’s blood tasted like wine urine, the Spanish version of Piano Man and stale cats. Or just terrible, acidic and sour. “I reckon it probably is Mariana-apt.”
“Yummy.” Mariana said as she licked her paw.
“Girls! Destroy him!” The loli succubus said. The three gals jumped over me and
began clawing with nails too sharp for a handjob and biting with teeth too pointy for mouth stuff. I watched how my HP bar went down a 0,1% per second.
Florencia and Sabrina were using the bone chair as a table to play cards as this whole situation unfurled.
The girls smelled sweet and were trying their damnedest hard to take me down.
“You know what I have realized standing here?” I said, a sadistic smile sprouting on my face. First it was the dark skinned succubi, then the petite one, and later, Donna Dimetra that desisted and watched in horror how their HP bars had gone down a 20%.
“How?” The petite one howled, realization creeping up and into her voice and expression.
“Memes have power, girl. We could say those are the… rules of nature.” another 10% shaven, they began running for the exit onto the next run of the dungeon. The fear of death imprinted on their faces. With the extra speed granted by wielding Maidrianna, I rushed past them in a flash, and positioned me in front of the exit.
“Hello there, my dear harem of enemies.”
A wink sent them fleeing the other way, absolute preys of desperation. I rushed past them again and, in a single slash of Mariana, I turned the three of them into demonic piñatas. None of them was a parrot inside an android.
“Showoff,” said Florencia.
“I needed to baptize Marianas maid outfit. It’s not every day that I get a meme skin for my main weapon.”
“Awww, I am his main weapon,” my sword cooed, trying to wag her tail and instead wagging her whole body splattering succubus blood and entrails everywhere.
“Contain yourself, Mar!”
And my pleas fell on deft ears.