I climbed the galleries up to where Mariana was napping.
“Mar, I am going to get killed if you don’t fetch me a blue or yellow weapon with a good attack stat.”
“Get killed in silence, I am tired,” she said without moving from her spot.
I had to resort to extreme measures.
I cleared my throat.
“Mariana, what have you done now?” I scolded my pet.
She didn’t wake up, more like she shifted instantly into a standing, head low, ears pointing backwards position.
“Itwasn’tmethatstolethesausagesfromthetableiswearWalterdon’tgetmadatme.” Her panicked plea reached my mind, and was like music to my ears.
“Good, you are awake now. I need a yellow or blue weapon if I want to win. Can you get me one? I know you can differentiate blue and yellow from other colors.”
“Something is considered a weapon if it has an attack stat, right?”
“Yes. A bastard sword or anything.”
“How about a purebred sword?” she suggested, ears up, tail wagging.
“That’s not a sword category, you dumb fuck.”
“Walter, I am a Golden Retriever.”
“I know! Think of something useful.” I slapped her.
“G-O-L-D-E-N. I am yellow and I have an attack stat. I qualify as a weapon,” she stated as if the whole thing was logical.
I averted my gaze and contemplated the field, Del Poodlón was taking a power nap at his goal.
She turned, offering her tail.
“Wield me to victory, Walter.”
The enhanced stats the belts gave me made it possible to raise Mariana by her tail-handle with only one hand.
Mariana’s back, head and tail remained aligned while I weighed her. All the thirty kilos of bitch, in my power.
I took a few swings, and decided that, for the time being, using her two-handed would net better results.
“Mariana, can I use your snout as the handle? I don’t like your butt-end pointing at me.”
“No, are you stupid? My teeth are my sharpest body part. The head has to be the business end.”
“Fine, but if you fart during the fight I am choosing death.”
I noticed Mariana had disappeared from my party. I checked my character status, and yes, it said it clearly.
“Equipped weapon: Mariana Ursula Gallardo (Sword),” I read out loud, and then started laughing like a madman.
I commanded my bets to make a sheath for Mariana strapped to my back, and then, went down the gallery, back into the field. The rest was about to end and my HP was barely above 2/5ths, but now I had the means to win.
----------------------------------------
I advanced under the moon with a confidence that was, for the first time since I had arrived to Planet, justified.
“Oh, you brought my gift properly wrapped. Will you give up and beg for mercy.”
“Nothing like that. Just a Barkserker cosplay.”
I unsheathed Mariana and pointed her at him.
“You cannot have Mariana aid you, this is one on one.”
“Check my party status: I am solo.”
He did, and the realization quickly dawned on him. He raised his guard and snarled from behind his barrier of eyes, fur and muscle.
“We are in dire need of an epic soundtrack,” I whispered to my sword.
And so she obeyed, and the announcers started singing a dog themed song:
Wooof, woof, woof Woowoof
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Gimme venison, gimme fries
Its spring season, take me to the park
Seek the Papillion, take the wrong pugs.
Puppify us, make us feel young.
Del Poodlón proffered an ear-piercing warhowl and charged at us ready to punch my head out of my neck.
I raised my weapon in defense. The fist impacted on Mariana’s ribs and sent me stumbling a few steps.
En los parques, muchas patas
levantadas y meando.
Una siesta sin apuro
¡Qué felices son nuestros amos!
I stabilized. Del Poodlón was breathing heavily, but even then, he charged again. This time, however, I did not take cover. I jumped to a side, his fist barely missing my ear, and swung upwards. The edge of Mariana —that’s it, Mariana now had an invisible, yet very sharp, edge. Fuck physics, that’s why— contacted with his wrist and severed his right hand.
Ladra una y otra vez…
Del Poodlón fell on his knees, grabbing his stump, whining like an unfed Labrador, trying to stop the bleeding.
Aúlla fuerte y que te escuche el dueño
El barrio entero va a pasear
Perros juntos podemos morfar
Un higo.
The lyrics were clearly written by Mariana. And she had learned Spanish somehow. Good grief.
Del Poodlón started stalking us, circling around our position like a wolf would. His HP was at 85% still.
Seré muy buena, seré muy dulce
Soy un canino con ansia de libertad
Muevo la cola,
muevo la cola…
He lunged at me, mouth open to tear a piece of my throat. I had no time to properly position myself for a slash, so I used the flat of Mariana to swat him. The dogs made contact, and the resulting force made me lose balance and fall in the opposite direction. I hurried to get on my feet, knowing he would not be down for long.
When I get orders, I will ignore them.
He’ll call me idiot
I’ll be waggin’ my tail
So wag your tail
Now wag your tail
Now wag your tail.
“Shut that brainless wavin’ flag parody now!” he ordered.
“Never!” spat my sword.
“Keep it on, Mar, the madder he is, the better.”
Del Poodlón started laughing like a madman.
He raised a finger.
“This can’t be my end. I just have to hit you once, Walter.”
He screamed horribly and the eyes migrated over his arm, amalgamating in the wound, forming a hand made out of deformed ocular globes. Stitched together by sinew and nerves, this new appendage was tested by punching one of the gallery decorative columns, which got demolished without a major effort.
When he started collecting the debris, I realized I would need to go on the offensive. I ordered the belts making the sheath to buckle and knot tightly into each other, forming a line. I asked one of them to hold tightly onto Mariana’s tail.
Dame bife, dame puerco
Aunque yo no sea galgo
Rottweiler o Hokkaido
Pero seguro ligo algo
After attaching the other extreme of the belt chain to my right arm, I became aware of a change in my character status and stopped paying attention to the lyrics of the music.
“Equipped weapon: Mariana Ursula Gallardo (Some weeb shit IDK),” it said now. Rude.
The rock that was flying at me was also very rude. I barely had time to duck out of the way. Del Poodlón was preparing to throw another one, possibly aimed lower. I advanced towards him as I spun Mariana over my head, like a cowboy would his lasso.
“Dude what the hell, she is your pet. You are sick.”
“WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII,” telepathed Mariana.
With a hatred I had only seen in mirrors before, he casted the stone in my direction. I tried to get out of the way, but it hit me in the lower leg. I didn’t feel anything. I stopped walking and inspected the place of the impact to make sure I still had my extremity attached to me.
“What the fuck?” me and my adversary said in unison.
I smiled and an instant later proffered my best madman laughter, seeing I had lost only 0,5% of my total health.
Then, I closed my eyes, visualized the inventory and paid careful attention to my equipment.
“Mariana, you and the stats you give are fucking broken.”
“Th-WIIIIIIIIII-anks.”
I released Mariana and she traversed the air and went straight for the chest of Del Poodlón. He stepped to a side, and I thought about redirecting Mar, but, hmmm, I was in a power trip, and I wanted to test my limits.
He let go of the stones and jumped to me. I took my time and towed Mariana back—she was lying on the floor, panting, like a good weapon she was.
Del Poodlón reached me first, but I still had Mar equipped, technically.
He launched a flurry of firsts against my face and chest. I couldn’t be bothered to dodge them.
“Die, Walter, Die!”
“You know, you and I are not so different…”
“Whaaaaaagh!” he yelled as he punched harder and faster.
“…we both want to fuck a masochistic brainless blonde…”
He started kicking.
I blinked a few times, breathed in, and continued.
“…we both despise fans of Boquita and think they are amongst the lowest lifeforms, even if you do it because you are fan of River, and I because I actively look for excuses to hate groups of people…”
He bit my neck and tried to tear out my jugular. It tickled a bit.
“Shut your trap,” he snarled while thrashing and trying his hardest to kill me.
“… and, we were both banished from our home world by Mariana. I realize that we are both victims of her mischief and you are angry. So, what do you say, will you work with me?” I finished the villain discourse I had always dreamed on giving, and it only costed me 8% HP. A fucking steal.
“Not in a thousand lives. Die.”
I pried his jaw open with my thumb and index, just to show him how superior I was now. Seconds later, I finally reached the tail of Mariana.
“Wrong answer.”
I stepped back and committed the first impalement with a Golden Retriever in recorded history.
“The blood is warm,” commented Mariana, whose head was poking out of the back of Del Poodlón.
His health quickly fell down to 2%.
“I guess I lost… remember the forking in the cave we took to come here?” he said, spitting blood.
“That’s the path to the wellspring?”
“Yes. Well played, Walter.”
The bright in his eyes started banishing.
“How many minutes of match are left.”
“None, I give up. Do.” He barfed a disgusting mixture of blood and phlegm.“Do what you must.”
“Walter, the flesh and broken ribs are massaging me weirdly.”
“Fine, do you think you will die if I harvest that baculum now?”
And that was the last time Del Poodlón ever screamed like a little girl. Or in his life, for that matter.