Chapter 26:

It had been a while since Mayah’d gone to the library, but she still knew her way around without having to think. Soon enough, she found the music section, the songbooks filed neatly together. Methodically she went through each one. No, not this one, no, this was a song about a princess’ first cycle, no, not here inside a songbook of village folksongs, no, no, no…

Yes.

There it was. Two pages of sheet music in the second half of a booklet titled For My Other Daughter. Mayah knew how to read music, so it was easy to play the notes in her head and match them to the lyrics in Sukren’s parchment. Hands trembling, she continued to turn the pages until she got to the very end of the booklet. Tucked into its back cover was a haggard looking lab notebook.

She sat down right there, right at the base of the bookshelf. Her hands were still shaking. She placed the notebook in her lap; it opened at its crease. A shadow from the lampstand behind her fell across the page.

Sometimes I think the worst thing that ever happened to me was doing so well on the caste exam. I was four, and didn’t know what it meant, didn’t know that it was going to change my life forever and take me from my parents and apprentice me to a doctor-priest. But at least one good thing came out of it. Since I did a good job at my work, even though I was an apprentice still, I got noticed, and got assigned to care for Mayah.

Barely breathing, Mayah pulled her knees up to her chest so that the journal was even closer to her face.

That was good. I’ve written pages about how good that was, to have Mayah in my life. I still don’t know why I got so lucky, or why they told me to take her in, and into a serf village no less, but I’m glad it happened.

Tears came to her eyes. It was Sukren. It was Sukren’s voice, it was Sukren’s writing, it was Sukren! She didn’t even care that she was reading in serf letters – it was her Sukren!

I don’t know if Mayah knows how much it meant to me, to have that time with her in the village. Things changed after we moved to Lost Technology. I have to admit, I really don’t like seeing her follow after the Rajas like she does now. They don’t deserve to have someone like her be interested in them.

I guess she can’t see it. But I wish Mayah knew she didn’t have to follow their rules about how to live and act. Rules about upholding her purity levels, and being good at art, and so much more. Why should she have to live that way? Oh, I wish I could tell her that maybe the problem isn’t her, but their rules.

A tingling feeling, starting at the base of her spine, was spreading through the rest of her body. She remembered Sukren saying something like this before. But she hadn’t listened to him then.

Mayah read the last line again. I wish I could tell her that maybe the problem isn’t her, but their rules.

***

She couldn’t stay that day, but she came back. Again, and again, Mayah came back, picked up the notebook, and read.

She wanted to touch the fish. I remember that, when Wex caught it with his bare hand right out of the rice field, Mayah wanted to touch it. She was so curious, curious about everything. Barely able to walk but bold enough to try new things. And with anyone, too! It was like she couldn’t help but be friendly. I remember she grabbed Wex’s sleeve to see the fish better, laughing and giggling the whole time.

Mayah traced a finger over the words. Was I really like that? she wondered. She couldn’t remember. Sometimes it felt like she’d been in this castle, alone, forever. She couldn’t imagine going up to someone and smiling and tugging on his sleeve the way Sukren was writing about.

But I did do things like that, didn’t I? I remember asking Oshta, before she was seeded, if she would go to the library with me. I remember asking Shanti to practice dancing with me. I had to be bold, right? To do things like that? An unfriendly princess wouldn’t act that way, right?

Mayah sighed. Maybe she wasn’t remembering right. That was the problem with having nobody to talk to. It was like looking into a mirror that didn’t reflect.

The Golden Castle changed her. It stole her from herself. It’s the Rajas’ fault, every single bit of it.

Mayah shifted in her seat. The hanging chair she was sitting in twisted to the side. She glanced around at the bookshelves surrounding the lounge she was in. She was glad she was leaving the notebook in the library. If another princess found out Mayah was reading something that so totally violated the purity laws, she would be in for it.

Oh, Sarana, now Mayah felt guilty. She shouldn’t be reading something that violated the purity laws. Even if it was written by Sukren. Even if it was true. Did she want to get disappeared? Didn’t she want to become a senior princess?

They don’t just punish you for disobeying the rules. They make you feel like you deserve the punishment. That’s why the Golden Castle is evil.

Now Mayah’s stomach was a tight knot. She carefully closed the lab notebook. She went to the bookshelves and peered first around the shelves to her left, then the shelves to her right. After making sure nobody was around, she returned to the songbooks section, tucked the notebook back inside its booklet, then made her way back to the elevator, back to her dorm.

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***

That’s why the Golden Castle is evil. It says that which is bad is good. It says following the rules – a bad thing – is the right thing to do. Oh, Sarana, I wish I could have explained all this to Mayah somehow! But I didn’t have the words, and more importantly, I didn’t have her trust. I messed up. I know I did. If I could’ve reached her, I would’ve reminded her of who she was, I would have told her not to give herself up for the approval of the Golden Castle, I would have said that the other Rajas weren’t worth it.

Mayah took in a shallow, silent breath.

I don’t know if Mayah can admit this to herself right now, but I don’t think she likes who they turned her into. I don’t think she likes herself very much anymore. She used to.

Did she?

She used to love life. Now all she is is afraid.

***

It takes courage, a whole lot of courage, to say no to the Golden Castle. But if there’s anyone who could do it, it’s Mayah.

She could feel Sukren’s words tugging on her, a subtle pull by an invisible wind, nudging her forward onto a path that she wasn’t sure she wanted to go on. Everything was at risk. Her seeding, her acceptance as a Rajas, not getting disappeared… oh, Sarana, Mayah didn’t want to make this choice, she didn’t want to have to make a choice at all! What if she made the wrong one? Then she wouldn’t be a good girl and that was all Mayah wanted to be. She wasn’t brave like Sukren said. She was terrified.

I think she’s very close. I think she’s fed up with the whole system. I think she’ll remember who she is, and at the right time, in the right place, she’ll be herself, and not the princess the Golden Castle turned her into.

***

I wonder what Mayah would think of all this.

Mayah sat bolt upright. Her arm bumped into the statue next to her. She was on the last page of the journal, dated only a few days before Sukren’s disappearance. I wonder if she would like to join us.

Us? Mayah wondered. Who is us?

It was as if Sukren’s notebook was reading her mind. Those of us who have discovered that we can’t live by the rules of the Rajas. I feel like she might be ready.

Mayah took in a shaky breath and gripped the notebook tightly with both hands. A soft breeze was sweeping through the library, tousling her hair and making her shiver. The tingling in her spine was back. She had the distinct impression that there was something otherworldly going on, some clash between the realm of the spirits and of Chudami, an awesome and terrible union. Everything was fitting together. The years of fear, Sukren’s disappearance, and now this journal validating the ache in her heart.

For the first time in several diurnals – for the first time since she’d found Sukren’s notebook – Mayah let herself think about what she was doing. The other princesses had started whispering about her again. She’d started to once more take her meals up in Zone 16. She’d started to ignore everything but the notebook. Because Mayah knew that if she stopped to think, even for just one second, she would put Sukren’s notebook down and run as far away from it as she could.

Mayah almost did it. Almost put it down and walked away. But for some reason, something stopped her. She hesitated. She stood up, notebook still in hand. She didn’t know why, but she felt like the page was about to turn. Like there was more going on than what met the eye, and that it was about to be revealed to her. She just needed to hold out – for a little longer – just a little longer –

“Got something for you, Princess.”

Mayah whirled around. A serf, in a familiar all-black livery, stood before her in the gap between the bookshelves. His face was young and handsome. Quite shockingly, he winked at her, and for a moment, Mayah thought she recognized him. He was her height, and there was an easy confidence with which he carried himself. That in and of itself would have marked him as different from his castemates, but to speak to her, a Rajas, in Chenmay and not in Rajim…

A nervous excitement was building up inside Mayah. It had been such a very long time since she’d heard or spoken any Chenmay. She wasn’t supposed to know it – she wasn’t supposed to understand it –

But the words spilled out. Heart pounding, stammering, Mayah replied also in Chenmay. “What have you got for me?”

In response, he held out a piece of paper. Mayah took it from the serf’s gloved hand, her heart leaping when she saw it was a note signed by Sukren, in his handwriting. You can trust this serf. Go with him. He’ll bring you to me.

“Sukren,” Mayah breathed. “You’re going to bring me to Sukren?”

“He sent me to get you.”

Tears filled Mayah’s eyes. The serf couldn’t have said anything sweeter to her ears. Oh Sarana, her daydreams were finally coming true! A half-laugh, half-sob escaped her lips. She took a step forward towards the serf. Then she stopped.

What if she went with this serf, and the Golden Castle caught her?

They take them… out of their beds… nobody ever sees them again…

No, no, don’t think about that, not now, think about it later, don’t make a choice, don’t decide, let Sukren decide, let Sukren choose, not you, it’s not your fault if you don’t think about it, it’s not your fault if you don’t decide, just do what Sukren says to do, he says to go with him, so go!

But still Mayah hesitated. She glanced at the serf standing only an arm’s length away. It’s okay to think that the Golden Castle is evil, it’s okay, Sukren said so, and they are evil, everyone’s so mean, I remember even when I first came here I thought that everyone was so mean, that’s why I have to escape that’s why I have to be seeded that’s why I have to be good, even though they don’t deserve it, even though I hate them with all my heart –

Her chest was heaving. “I can really go?” she whispered. “Even though I’m not supposed to?”

Mayah was ashamed at once for how weak she sounded. But the serf didn’t seem to care. He gestured her forward. She obeyed, uncertain of what he meant to do. Her eyes widened when the serf began pulling off his gloves. He tossed them to the ground then continued to draw up his sleeve until his bare arm was visible up to his elbow. Without a word he held his arm up to her, and Mayah saw that there was a design – a circle cut in half by a line – branded into his skin. She recognized it at once: the symbol of the patronless.

“You can always tell,” the serf said slowly, with just the hint of a smile, “who has decided that they cannot live under the rule of the Rajas.”