Chapter 20:

Mayah was glad Sukren was being nice to her again. She liked it better when she could share things with him. Especially since a lot of what Qat said was confusing. They take us, they take us, she kept saying, but when Mayah asked for any details at all, Qat would say stuff like it happens to princesses whose Matter or Intelligence is messed up, and then Mayah would ask what that meant and Qat would say that’s why we have to keep our purity levels up, and then Mayah would ask what do our purity levels have to do with anything? only to have Qat start all over again, they take us, they take us, it happens to princesses whose Matter or Intelligence is messed up...

It was like she was too frightened to say anything that made sense. She seemed happiest, in fact, when Mayah pushed back against her statements. You’re right, I’m crazy. No, that’s not what I’m saying! A smile from Qat. You’re right, everything is normal.

“It sounds like you’re frustrated with Qat.”

Mayah kicked her feet against the bench’s cross-bar. “She was the one who was angry all the time! Now it’s like she doesn’t even want to find out who disappears the Rajas!”

“It’s like she still wants to act weird, even though she knows she can act normal with you.”

“Exactly.” Sukren got it. Thank Sarana, because nobody else seemed to!

“But you want to find out, don’t you?”

There was something in Sukren’s voice, a catch or a pause, that made Mayah look up. “Do you know?” she asked. She felt silly, all of a sudden, for not asking him earlier. Of course Sukren would know. He knew everything.

“You’re asking me if I know who comes in the night to kidnap princesses out of their beds? And makes it so nobody ever sees them again?”

Mayah felt a chill run down her spine. When Sukren put it that way… well, it sounded a lot scarier. She bit her lip. A butterfly fluttered past her face; she jerked away, startled. It landed on the path by her feet. Mayah waited for it to get up and fly away, but it didn’t move. She stared at its red and gold wings. They take them… out of their beds… nobody ever sees them again…

“Who does it?” Mayah whispered.

Sukren leaned in close. Mayah almost gasped when he touched her hand. He wasn’t supposed to! It violated the purity laws!

“The Golden Castle does it,” he whispered.

“Stop,” Mayah begged.

“They won’t stop.”

They take us… out of our beds… nobody ever sees us again…

Mayah couldn’t breathe. It was crashing down on her all at once. She’d tried, she’d tried so hard to ignore the fear oozing out of everyone around her, she’d tried to tell herself she could figure it out, but if even Sukren was afraid, how could Mayah not be? Oh Sarana, no, no, she couldn’t think that way, no, they might take one of the other princesses, but not Mayah, why would they take Mayah, she’d done nothing wrong, she’d started following the purity laws as soon as she knew what they were, she didn’t have anything wrong with her Matter or her Intelligence, she was good, she was a good girl, surely they wouldn’t take her away, not at night, not while she was sleeping, not like they’d done to Ca…

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“We better go back.”

Mayah nodded. Blinking back tears, she pulled away from Sukren. She had to get back to the dorm. The other princesses were there, and that was where Mayah had to be, Mayah had to be like them, she had to be the best princess she could be, she had to make sure she didn’t do anything wrong, yes, that was what Mayah should be thinking about, that was all Mayah should be thinking about –

“Take this.”

He was pushing a small white pill into her palm. Her hands trembling, Mayah took it from him.

“It’ll help you not be disappeared.”

She put the pill on her tongue, swallowed it, and ran.

***

The pills did help. They were the only thing that helped. Mayah didn’t know exactly what they did – kept her purity levels up, maybe? – but she felt better each time she swallowed one. A sense of control, that was what they gave her. They took Ca from this bed, but they won’t take me. If I’m good and don’t get boxed then they’ll start letting us princesses grow old. The Golden Castle will see that I’m following all the rules, it’ll see...

“Are you okay?” Qat asked her in the dorm a few diurnals after Mayah’d started taking the pills. “You’ve gone all quiet again.”

Before Mayah could say anything, before Mayah could even wonder whether she should say anything, Qat was already backing down. “I mean, I’m sorry, you’ve been normal, of course you’ve been normal, I’m sorry.”

A part of Mayah wanted to scream. You’re fine! It’s fine to notice if I’ve gone quiet, that’s what friends do! But another part of her, the new part, knew she would never speak so honestly again. It’s better if Qat’s sorry, it’s better if she pretends I haven’t gone quiet again, it’s better if we keep our heads down and act like everything is normal. That’s what the Golden Castle wants, or it’ll come and get us, it’ll come in the night and take us from our beds…

“You’re right,” Mayah said, turning so her back was to Qat. “I’ve been normal.”

“Oh,” Qat responded quietly. There were a few footsteps, and the rustling of a Rajas frock; Mayah sensed that behind her Qat was drawing away. “Of course. Of course you’ve been normal.”

The other princesses were standing by their bunks, silent and unmoving. Mayah knew now how to reassure them. All she had to say was let’s shut up about it and everyone would start laughing and talking all at once.

That was all she had to say. Let’s shut up about it.

The seconds ticked by. She knew they were waiting for her to say the words. All they wanted was a sign that Mayah and Qat’s quarrel was over and that they could go back to being normal. That was all they wanted. That was all Mayah had to do. So why couldn’t she say the words? She’d said them a dozen times before, hadn’t she? Let’s shut up about it, let’s shut up about it, just say it, just say it! Who cares if it’s not right, who cares if it’s not okay, who cares if everything about this castle is wrong, just say it, just say it!

Do you want to be disappeared?

“Let’s shut up about it,” Mayah whispered.

“Jroya and Pal,” Priva immediately sang out. “I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight, tomorrow is Queen Zi Day, oh, I can’t wait to celebrate!”

***

It surprised Sukren afterwards, how easy it had been. He’d spent so much time and effort raising Mayah up to be fearless, and just like that, he’d been able to strip it all away. He hadn’t realized she’d scare so easily. It concerned him. She had to have been holding back a lot of fear to capitulate so completely, so quickly.

But that wasn’t the point, was it? The point was that he’d done what he’d set out to do. He was giving her the pills, and she was taking them. She was so eager to take them, in fact, Sukren didn’t think he’d find it hard to have her finish the envelope. Then he could tell Vek to tell Lady Nari that he’d done it her way. Because that was what this had all been about, hadn’t it? Sukren was no fool. Or maybe he was a bigger one than he knew. He’d thought he was going to set Mayah up to pick him, but no, this whole thing, all of it had been Lady Nari setting him up to pick her. And damn if she hadn’t played Sukren perfectly!

Just like I’ve played Mayah perfectly, her entire life long.

It was almost funny. Sukren had never felt guilty about manipulating Mayah before. He’d done it for so long that it felt like breathing or eating. Manipulation of Mayah was what he did, that was what it meant to be Mayah’s handler. That was what Lady Nari had taught him, at any rate. Through her words, via her tests, by her example.

But it would be over soon. Yes, that was what Sukren had to focus on. It would all be over soon. Mayah would be programmed, and when she was ready, she’d fulfill the prophecy. Yes, that was right. The Uprising would happen, and she’d fulfill the prophecy. And the shadows between them now, they’d fade, they’d disappear, they’d be burned away like Chudami’s atmosphere and scattered into space, lost – gone – forever.