"Come on, try saying "Daddy." (God)

His attempt at becoming closer just leaves me with a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I know that he's not even close to wanting to be my father after everything that he's done to me.

I spit on him in disgust, trying to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth, but the drops just phase through his ghostly appearance.

"Don't remember we had a meeting scheduled." (Me)

I look around this endless void. I know this place well. In my younger years, I've spent a regrettable amount of time here. Time I curse with every fiber of my body. Fortunately, I already forgot some of it after billions of years, but some memories are stuck.

And they always will be.

"What? Do I need a reason to see my children?" (God)

"You don't need a reason to see these nuts." (Me)

"Very mature. And you wonder why I condemned you to years of torture." (God)

I try to spit on him again but it flies through him once more. To be honest, it's about sending a message at this point. I try to play it cool, but a raging turmoil is building up inside me. If I didn't know that it's futile to attack him in the state I'm in right now, there would be much less talking. I've lashed out in blind rage in the past and it didn't really work out for me as much I would've liked it to.

"Choke on a fat one. I don't want to be longer in here than I have to, so tell me what you want." (Me)

With each second that passes in front of him, more memories resurface. My mind begins to race, mostly in uncontrollable animosity. Pictures of agony and suffering play out in front of my inner eye, constricting my breathing.

He sighs, although he doesn't have to breathe at all. He's had these unnecessary dramatic tendencies for as long as I remember.

"I just wanted to let you know that I didn't take my eyes off you~." (God)

This rather comical answer would normally be a death sentence to me and everyone I know. As history has shown, as soon as I start a new life, he sets into motion quickly. That's the kind of relationship we have.

But there's actually one thing that brings joy to my heart in front of the being I hate the most, working like a blanket suffocating the roaring fire inside me.

"But you haven't sent me back to hell yet." (Me)

The grotesque grin of his from before vanishes, leaving some kind of disappointed sulk. I know that he would never show his real emotions, so this reaction doesn't give me the satisfaction you would expect.

"Yeah, even though I was looking forward to sending you to the deepest levels of the abyss again for a few thousand years..." (God)

"You have such a way with words." (Me)

"..." (God)

His provocation would've hit me in a sore spot a few million years ago, but we went through this routine way too many times already. He can't fuel the hate I feel for him anymore.

A few seconds pass in silence. I already figured out what his lack of action means, although it's tough to wrap my head around the idea. Countless battles left a deep impression, after all.

"You can't. You can't manipulate this life again." (Me)

He nods.

"The almighty God can't touch me." (Me)

He crosses his arms playfully, pouting as much as he can with his lack of facial features.

"And I don't even know why! Just imagine the outrage! The almighty Me doesn't know something!" (God)

He continues to rant on about the politics of Heaven that I've left long ago, while I realize the situation. Something like this hasn't happened even once in every single life I had.

"But don't you worry your pretty little noggin! Heaven is already doing its very best to figure out why the entire planet is covered in that cheeky barrier! I won't spare any resources to get you back in my arms.~☆" (God)

Even with the direct death threat in front of me, a thought manifests itself in my mind. The mightiest being in every universe set his mind on killing me and I can just Fortn*te default dance in front of him.

This chance. This is the best chance I've had in a few lifetimes. A run, where he can't control my every move and I can prepare however much I want.

I remember the frustration I felt. It's welling up inside me from the pit of my stomach.

I spit on him once again just so he knows what I think of him.

"But that doesn't mean that I'll just neglect you meanwhile! I'm not such a bad father that I'll ignore you because of work!" (God)

"Just bad enough to torture your son for eternity." (Me)

"Exactly! And that's why I'll send some presents to you! Thank me that I'm still able to at least influence some things on that godless planet." (God)

'Wow, I think I know who you got the knack for bad jokes from.'

'New phone, who dis?'

'We're not doing this again.'

Much to my surprise, my new roommate seems to have followed me here. The cunt in front of me wouldn't have made such a mistake as dragging another soul to a family reunion, which would mean that Trick's soul and mine are still connected.

I thought that I made sure of the opposite, but nobody is perfect.

'Don't go searching for my yearbook album now! That would be soooo embarrassing.~'

'Soo... you're the son of God, huh? And the guy on the cross is your special brother?'

She just skipped right over my joke, which is a bit rude. In the end, I've only known her for about 20 hours. I'll teach her the right manners at some point.

'We're one big, happy family.'

'...Fuck me, I merged with the fucking son of God, who has a quarrel with his father. I'm the luckiest gal in the world.'

It was about time that the dickhead in front of me notices something as he's the only one who's more knowledgable than me on the topic of souls. He tilts his head, trying to figure out who I'm talking to.

"Oh my, seems like there's another one in here." (God)

"We're a package deal. Trick, say "Hi" to the biggest fucking cunt in the universe." (Me)

'Hi.'

"Hello there, young girl." (God)

'I'm an atheist, just wanted to let you know.'

At that moment, a literal light bulb lights up on top of his head. Over the faceless eons, he's become experienced at expressing emotions without any kind of features. The only thing visible on his face, his smile, once more contorts grotesquely.

"Hey, why don't you come over to my side? I'm pretty sure that I can still separate you now. I mean, isn't it pretty unpleasant to be in the body of a lunatic?" (God)

Without even hesitating, he offers her to be brainwashed and become one of his followers. Without a doubt, Trick would end up in that room, just like the other people that ever had something to do with me.

Although he's never given someone a direct invitation like this.

'Nah fam. From what I heard until now, I can deduce that you're a massive cock. Even more than the one I'm sharing bodies with right now. Really just about the lesser evil here.'

"Wait, what did she say? The signal is kinda bad in here." (God)

"She just told you to fuck off in the most polite way, cunt." (Me)

"Awww, what a shame... she'd have made a good toy for the next few years..." (God)

His "toys". His complete disregard towards any kind of life. If I had known sooner, I could've saved at least some of them. Their screams still echo in my mind, to this day. I once again curse the time when I was still his favorite child.

I spit on him again. I miss. I was known for my tenacity.

Also, it's fun.

"Just let me say this right now." (Me)

I approach him with resolute steps, but he doesn't flinch in the slightest. I pose no threat to him in any way right now. On the contrary, the closer I come, the happier he gets.

"As I've said so many times before, you absolute dickhead. Your time will come. I will kill you. Even after all these years, teabagging may or may not be involved." (Me)

'That last part was a bit unnecessary.'

It only takes a few seconds for his wide smile to escalate into an insane cackle. To him, it just seems ridiculous that I'm still trying. It's no wonder after the countless battles we had.

"Yeah, come on! Try it again! Like those other countless times you've tried! This time, it'll surely be different!" (God)

My threat hits air, even if his voice seems excited enough. He doesn't even care in the slightest that his own son wants to murder him. But I already knew that. He lost any sense of moral even before I was born.

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

"But all those times, you were always present. Pulling strings behind the scenes or outright murdering me... This time, it's different. I don't know who gave me this chance but there's no way I'll just let it fly by." (Me)

Relaxed, he puts his hands behind his head, still snickering to himself.

"So, the next time we see each other, we'll throw han-" (Me)

"What if I just call you once more in a few minutes?" (God)

"Didn't think you were the type to just interrupt someone." (Me)

"Oh, excuse me. More of a torture kinda guy, you're right." (God)

It disgusts me how much his speech pattern and mine resemble each other.

"And that'd be a bit of dickmove, to be perfectly honest." (Me)

"Would kinda take the drama away, wouldn't it?" (God)

"Yeah... not like you could do it anyways lmao. So, get fucked." (Me)

It probably took him a considerable amount of effort to barely summon me here. He can't even maintain a corporeal state, not to mention a body he could fight in. The barrier must be extremely powerful to make even him struggle.

"Yeah... well, I guess that's it! I just wanted to tell ya that you're gonna have some fresh encounters soon, as a little present of mine!" (God)

I spit on him one last time while flipping him the little bird, but before I get the satisfaction of seeing my spit phase through him again, I get thrown out of this world. As abrupt as I was summoned, I am expelled again.

'What a fucking cunt.'

*

----------------------------------------

*

I slowly open my eyes which became full of goop. Not the weird lifestyle company but the sticky kind. The early morning sun greets me through the slits in the blinds, pleasantly blinding me. I can't remember how long it's been since I could enjoy the sun in all its glory.

The situation outside seems to have calmed down. The blaring of the sirens has stopped and there's no more screaming in the immediate vicinity. The relaxing atmosphere would be nice if it didn't mean that a majority of people has already kicked the bucket.

'Huh, it's a bit too quiet.'

'You just had to fucking jinx it, right?'

'Kinda?'

The air around is filled with a certain static, making all my alarms go haywire. Over my few years, I've picked up on some instincts that proved useful several times. I prepare to stand up and look for whatever is soon going on, but something does not seem to let go of me. Or more specifically, of my hand.

I look at the source-

'Jess is holding my hand while she's asleep. Jesus fuck, that's actually cute.'

' *SQUUUIIIIIIIRT* '

'I don't know how to feel about a girl squirting inside of my head and apparently soul.'

'...'

'Nah, who am I kidding. It's kinda hot.'

My mood from before did a full u-turn because of her. Her feeble hand clenches mine tightly, her rhythmic breathing enchanting me in a magical way.

"Good morning, sunshine." (Me)

"Ngh..." (Jess)

My nice attempt to wake her doesn't seem to get her out of the deep slumber she's in. She doesn't even attempt to remove any of the silver hair that's covering her face.

Her thin body barely shuffles under the blue covers. Her physique really isn't made for any close-quarter combat, making me wonder how well she'll adapt in the following days of the apocalypse.

'This is my chance.'

"If you don't wake up, I'll see it as consent." (Me)

Her eyes suddenly dart open and look at me with hate.

"Oops, didn't wanna wake ya. Had a nice dream?" (Me)

"You moron, of course I'd wake up after-" (Jess)

She stops abruptly, the hand holding mine budging slightly. Maybe she's thinking that it's her favorite stuffed animal that she abandoned a few years back? Trying to figure out what it is exactly, it doesn't take long for her to take a quick look, despair following immediately.

For a second, I can see her thoughts racing towards an explanation until she sees the smug smile I involuntarily-

'Completely voluntary.'

-plastered on my face.

She pulls her hand to the left side. I don't let it go.

She pulls it to the right side. I don't let it go.

She pauses for a second.

"I can explain this." (Jess)

I highly doubt it.

"Go on, then." (Me)

I will still give her the chance.

She hesitates while trying to figure out a semi-plausible excuse.

"My hand fell from the bed and then into your hand." (Jess)

"I'm sure it did. And then it randomly gripped my hand tightly and didn't let go for the remainder of the night." (Me)

She hesitates again, thinking if that was the right go-to excuse. It wasn't, but it shows tenacity that she's still trying to make it work. You gotta give credit where credit is due.

"Can I have another chance?" (Jess)

"Oh no no no no, that's not how the world works, missy. Now, tell me who was a little scared girl and took my hand to relieve herself! Confess!" (Me)

'In what way "relieve"?'

'You perverted fuck.'

"There's some kind of mistake. It was probably just you, blaming-" (Jess)

"Don't flatter yourself." (Me)

To be perfectly honest, her assumption really isn't that far off. Jess continues with her bad excuses, her still groggy mind giving her the worst possible answers.

I, of course, ramble on, emphasizing how she defiled this pure, new body of mine.

"How could you take advantage of me like that? I was asleep, for Satan's sake!" (Me)

"It's just your hand, dimwit! Why are you like th- *RUMBLE*" (Jess)

Suddenly, the whole building starts to shake. Books fall out of the antique wooden shelves, glass breaking from downstairs. If I didn't know better, I would think that the world is ending again.

'Round 2.'

"Damn, are you hungry or something?" (Me)

"That... that wasn't me..." (Jess)

"Oh my, was it me, then? How embarrassing.~" (Me)

The slits of sunlight that previously illuminated at least parts of our room get covered by something outside, leaving us in the dark. An ominous whimper escapes Jess's mouth, who's still not used to the fact that there are new lifeforms in this world.

"Thanks to you, holding my hand, I forgot that I had a bad feeling." (Me)

I step towards the window, regrettably forced to let go of Jess's hand. The rusty blinds resist at first, but they soon reveal the culprit like a curtain.

Steamy breath fogs up the window in front of me, slightly blocking my sight. From what I can see, sharp mandibles decorate its eight-eyed, furry face. If it wasn't for the size of the face, I would actually think that it's quite cute.

"Please no spiders." (Jess)

While Jess pisses herself at the sight of our eight-legged friend, two of those legs embed themselves in the house's facade, causing it to crumble under the sheer pressure. With each step it takes, the foundation shakes, the exoskeleton leaves deep gashes in the ground.

Without much effort, it rips the wall off, throwing dust and debris around. Finally, the sun greets me in all its glory.

It spots us directly.

"You know..." (Me)

The spider and I look each other in the eyes.

"There's a door and a doorbell. Knocking would've been fine too." (Me)

*SSSHHRRRIIIIIEEEEEKKKK!!!*

It starts screaming in a shrill voice. Corrosive fangs start to descend towards our position.

I yank Jess, who's frozen in fear, by her arm and pull her in a princess carry.

'My secret move gets all the ladies.'

I activate "Orcs strength" and dodge the first bites. But the spider wasn't content with a single mouth when it decided to force itself into existence.

From each side of the spider's head, 2 additional mouths present themselves and shoot towards me from both sides. The head itself doesn't need to move, as the additional maws are connected with grotesquely stretchable skin.

"I don't want to seem rude, as it's our first time meeting, but I just need to ask... What dat mouth do?" (Me)

I jump on the spider itself, so the mouths wouldn't hit me, and run along its body.

It tries to shake me off instinctively but each time it moves frantically, I just jump one more time to negate the sudden force. Its hairy body makes it a bit more difficult to see the signs of sudden movement if it weren't for my fighting expertise.

The distance between the head and the ass of the spider is easily covered and I jump into the nearby woods, mostly to hide myself and Jess. It's a shame that I'm in a life-or-death situation right now. Who doesn't like taking a morning stroll through the woods with a girl in his arms?

I wouldn't have a problem squaring up right this instance, don't get me wrong. I just didn't have breakfast yet and I won't miss the most important meal of the day.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God-" (Jess)

I slap my hand on her mouth and keep it there.

"First of all: Don't use that name in my vicinity. I get heartburn from it. I'd rather have you pray to the devil. She's a nice gal." (Me)

'Wait, did you just say "she" and "gal"?'

'Yep, the devil is a girl and called Lucia. It was lost in translation at some point. She's got a bit of a father complex though.'

I point to the spider, who just managed to turn around and start searching for us. I already managed to cover quite the distance since it needs a considerable amount of time because of its size, so we should be safe for now.

"Secondly, and now you gotta listen to me: That huge abomination of nature probably has your parents as hostages." (Me)

Her eyes widen, but get filled with confusion in no time as well. As I didn't really explain anything yet and she's pretty new to this whole "apocalypse" thing, her reaction is understandable.

"Your parents should've been here while the apocalypse was happening, right?" (Me)

She nods, leaving my hand on her mouth like a good girl.

"Well, those kinds of huge ass spiders are called "Arachmot", or at least were called that. And they take their prey into their nest, to suck them dry for 2 weeks or so while keeping them alive. Additionally, they have clear hunting grounds, so it is possible for them to still be close." (Me)

Hope is written on her face as if it's Christmas eve. How nice family relationships are. They easily let you forget that there is a behemoth-sized spider behind us who thinks it's human hunting season.

'It's clearly wabbit season.'

"And if you say "pwetty pwease" while acting cutely, then I may help you save them." (Me)

She nods frantically. It's nice how agreeable she becomes as soon as you offer her the life of her parents.

"And now be vewy, vewy quiet." (Me)

I let her down on the damp dirt covered in morning dew and take my hand off her mouth. She should've taken a clue of the situation by now. "The situation" being, death as soon as she gives off a sound.

"Pwetty-" (Jess)

But at that point, she stops, shooting me a suspicious glare.

"No, this can't be it." (Jess)

"I beg your pardon?" (Me)

Her face of hope changes to one full of doubt.

"You wouldn't just help me and take on a huge monster because I asked nicely. That doesn't fit your character." (Jess)

"Wow, I made you doubt me that much in 1 day. I really did a good job." (Me)

I put my hand to my chin, just to look intelligent while thinking for an excuse.

"Let's just say that I have a weak spot for children and their parents, alright?" (Me)

It's clear that she still doesn't trust me in that regard but soon gives up. Seeing that she doesn't really have any other choice but to leave it in my trusty hands, she puts her hands behind her back and sways cutely from side to side.

Brushing a lock of her hair behind her ear, she starts with something I didn't expect.

"Would big bwother save Jess's pawents, pwetty pwease?" (Jess)

'JESUS, FUCK!'

I let her words flow through me. The sensation of messing with someone is something I missed the most in my years of hell.

"I did not ask for that much, so I'm just going to interpret that as your own desire." (Me)

"It was no-" (Jess)

"Sure. Big brother will save your parents." (Me)

"I'm never going to hear the end of that, right?" (Jess)

"Of course you won't. And here I thought you knew me..." (Me)

"*Sigh*" (Jess)

'And why do you really want to help her?'

Even the voice in my head, with which I already held so many deep conversations, doesn't think that I just want to save her parents out of the good of my heart.

'Why are y'all always doubting me?!'

'So you're telling me that you have no ulterior motive?'

'Oh no, of course I do. I just don't like that y'all are doubting me all the time.'

My finger travels in the spider's direction, who's still searching for us. Even though it has 8 eyes, it doesn't have the best sight out of all the monsters I battled.

'He kept me from eating breakfast.'

At that point, it's personal.