For a few seconds, we just stand there in the bloody battlefield, scattered with medium-rare lizards and their weird gorilla arms. We don't know what to tell each other, as I could've expected the whole thing but didn't, and she didn't expect it at all.

I won't take all the blame for this situation. I can't always predict everything. Nobody's perfect.

"Well, nothing you can do about it. Let's go up, shall we?" (Me)

Doing my best to stay optimistic, which is really the only thing anyone can do at heart, I try not to let Risa show how fucked we actually are. I couldn't manage to do any damage to the outside of the tower and I'm sure it won't be any different on the inside. As far as I'm concerned we have to repopulate this room like Adam and Eve once did.

"...okay?" (Risa)

Surprised by her ability to accept the situation as it is, I turn to the only door left in this room, on which a huge, green neon sign appeared above. The inviting words "THIRD FLOOR" are written on it with red neon.

'Yep, ain't nuthin' weird about that.'

Taking advantage of the fact that Risa doesn't quite understand the situation yet-

"Now that I think about it, no." (Risa)

"Come again?" (Me)

Completely contrasting her previous reaction, Risa suddenly refuses my offer of going up. If that was her reaction from the get-go, it wouldn't be as weird, but since that's not the case, I can't help but wonder what caused this change of heart.

I notice a few drops of sweat trickling down her horns and her forehead.

Her stressed expression gets worse by the second.

"I need to..." (Risa)

The grip on her black skirt tightens. the rare drops of blood getting smeared into the fabric in return. It's gonna be a total bitch to get those out in the wash.

"Take a shit?" (Me)

"NO!" (Risa)

The sudden outburst makes her situation even more severe, her tight fist changing colors.

"Then what?" (Me)

"..." (Risa)

She hesitates, the words refusing to leave her mouth. It takes a second for her to finally open her heart to me with a downcast expression.

"I need to go for little devils..." (Risa)

"Ah, you need to piss like a racehorse, huh? Why didn't you just say so?" (Me)

"Hng!" (Risa)

She clenches her legs, doing the little dance everyone in history has made since the beginning of time. You definitely can't hold it in for too long if nature calls, but it's still a bit uncommon in these situations.

Some would argue it's my fault for rushing her, but that's a whole different topic.

"Better hope there's a toilet on the next floor, then." (Me)

'Yeah, as if there would be one.'

'Thanks for saying the magic summoning words.'

'No problem, babe. Always glad to help.'

I approach the obvious door. The neon sign shines in a blinding light as I touch the doorknob with utmost care. The three tentacles outside made me a bit more wary of touching the tower without asking for consent first.

I turn it gently, watching out for anything that wants to introduce me to the pavement again.

With a slight creak, the door opens.

Only to reveal a brick wall with a sticky note on it.

SIKE! Jog on, pissboy.

Love, tower~

'Oh, you don't even know how many years I prepared for a scenario like this.'

'So... why exactly did you prepare for a scene in a tower, with a girl whose bladder is ringing bells and a brick wall to the next floor?'

'I think you underestimate the time I spent in Hell. You can't imagine how bored I was after a while.'

The whole tower starts to tremble as if it's laughing at me. The inside seems to fall apart, slowly, but steadily, giving us less and less time to find a way out of this.

"Niiiiiiiith! Please, help this demon lord!" (Risa)

Wondering if we could win a dance competition if Risa showed them her moves, I wonder what my next step should be. Don't get me wrong, I want to help her just as much as the next guy, but...

There's a not so wholesome voice in my head begging me to do the opposite.

'Good sir, I can offer you good money for any kind of soiled undergarments in your possession. I am a very wealthy woman from far away. My late husband is an oil baron and I inherited all his money-'

'Yeah, I wouldn't give them away for my life.'

'Degenerate fuck.'

'Pot calling the kettle black?'

With one fast movement, I punch the brick wall and shatter it into pieces. I don't know why the tower decided to use brick walls instead of its much sturdier walls. While I get the concept, it seems irresponsible to me.

The tower stops trembling, but just another brick wall gets revealed.

I can do this all day.~

Love, tower~

I punch it again. It breaks once more.

I didn't mean that literally.

The next brick wall gets torn down by me.

Use your words, man.

Like the cool-aid man, I destroy every single wall that stands between me, the next floor, and Risa's possibility of immediate relief.

After a while, the sticky notes just get ignored and I bash my way through heaps of walls. Despite the tower's constant complaints, the brick walls aren't replaced by anything sturdier, giving me the feeling it just wants to fuck with me for the sake of it.

I continue to do my job, breaking walls left and right. It takes a solid few minutes and hundreds of walls for me to finally reach a staircase.

A single note lays in front of it.

Why must you hurt me this way.

From behind me, I feel someone tugging at my armor.

I turn around, only to find Risa with tears in her eyes.

"Pleeease, I can't hold it much longer." (Risa)

"At your service my queen." (Me)

I quickly pick her up in a position that's easy on her bladder and start running to the next floor.

The staircase is built in a spiral, so the constant turning seems to distract Risa at least a bit from her own, heartwrenching problems. Pissing yourself in front of someone you met just a few hours ago isn't the best look, after all.

But, once again unfortunately, the spatial distortion in this tower makes the stairs go on for much longer than should be possible.

Even if the tower is impressively large.

'Really not a fan.'

'So what if it distorts space?'

What seems like a small, fun gimmick can easily escalate into a difficult deathtrap with space magic. While it doesn't have the strongest damaging capabilities, it compensates in utility and ruses.

'Oh, nothing. It could just be that this staircase goes on infinitely, that's it. No problems here~.'

'Aight, I get it. Big problem with little Miss Waterfall there.'

'Pissing yourself isn't the biggest problem if you're gonna starve to death.'

I think for a bit while looking at the still struggling Risa. She's started to breathe as if she's giving birth and closed her emerald eyes, completely concentrating on not pissing herself.

'But to be honest, it's debatable how big this problem is. I already escaped from worse situations.'

'Fucking hell...'

'Exactly.'

'HA!'

Just then, I finally see the door to the next floor. From the slit under the door, I feel a slight draft coming through, making me wonder what's on the other side, slight hope of something other than a monster trap in my heart. I don't have anything against the fighting, but, as I said, monotony is my true enemy.

"Alright, Risa, let's see if we can find some place for you to take a leak." (Me)

'But we still need to do this carefully.'

I knock again, just like I did with the last floor.

"You better not be touching yourself in there, Jimmy! You know, Jesus is always watching!" (Me)

*

----------------------------------------

*

Heaven.

Under a mountain of documents, a person with a long, brown beard and long hair of the same color is sitting on a leather chair. Even if his demeanor might seem calm and collected, frustration twists his usual composure.

"IN FATHER'S NAME! WHAT IS THIS UNHOLY BARRIER AND WHY DOESN'T IT LET US SEE WHAT'S GOING ON ON THAT PLANET?!" (???)

He flips the table in a rage.

*

----------------------------------------

*

Back to the tower.

"On second thought, maybe he's not?" (Me)

'Not that you'd fucking care.'

Risa starts squirming again inside my arms. The distraction of the spiraling staircase has ended, forcing her to completely concentrate on her bladder again.

With one fast motion, I open the door, only to be greeted by a gentle breeze and green, full, blooming wildlife.

I look back once more, the damp, grotesque hallway standing in contrast to the idyllic utopia in front of me, something unseen in this tower.

I didn't have my hopes up, but this scene looks like the paradise of any nature lover.

"Well... if you don't mind, you can go inside one of these bush-" (Me)

Risa jumps from my arms and disappears, leaving me alone in this place overrun by flora and fauna.

I take in the various sounds of this jungle-like floor that dance through my ears. Apes, tigers, and even fucking elephants can be heard, drowning out the sound of a certain person pissing with enough pressure for me to mistake it as someone frying chicken.

I look at the non-existent ceiling, which was replaced by a full, blue sky and clouds. A radiant, warm sun greets my eyes, which were still used to the darkness on the previous floor.

"So yeah, wanna ask again about the consequences of space distortion?" (Me)

'wAnNa aSK aGAiN aBoUt ThE cOnSeQUeNceS oF sPaCE dIStOrtIon?'

"That's what I thought." (Me)

My gaze wanders from left to right, calculating how big this floor seems to be. The idea of climbing a tree to estimate the size of our current location, and for fun, crosses my mind, before another thought jolts through my head.

"Trick?" (Me)

'Not going anywhere any time soon.'

"What usually happens again when someone goes to the toilet alone in a dangerous, unknown place?" (Me)

'Some kind of enemy appears and attacks and/or kidnaps the person in question?'

"Huh..." (Me)

'...'

"..." (Me)

We just stand there in silence, waiting for a few seconds.

"Three..." (Me)

'Two...'

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

"On-" (Me)

"KYYAAAAAA!" (Risa)

I throw my arms in the air.

"CALLED IT!" (Me)

Running in the direction of the scream, I activate all my buffs once again.

'I should just keep them on at this point. They don't take much mana anyways.'

I slap the thicket away as I run along a river full of clear, unpolluted water. The fresh soil below me is thrown in the air as my feet hit it with decent force. In the distance, I see Risa surrounded by numerous people with greenish skin.

Their uniform blue hair is the most outstanding thing about them though, glistening in the sun like a wave of sapphires.

Most of them seem to be women, but there's one man among them. He's the one closest to Risa, so I lock onto him.

"FALCON-" (Me)

Because of my vigorous shout, the group of attackers looks my way.

"NO WAIT, NITH! THEY'RE NO-" (Risa)

I activate "Ember", engulfing my hand in red flames. The radiant heat immediately strikes fear in the dude I'm about to cross off the census.

"-PUNCH!" (Me)

My fist connects with his left cheek, sending him off like the majestic phoenix his spirit animal hopefully is.

'So beautiful. Brings a tear to my eye.'

'Fly, little eagle, fly!~'

Stunned, everyone stands around me, their line of sight switching between my face and my fist, both covered in violet blood.

"Nith..." (Risa)

"He wasn't attacking you, huh?" (Me)

She shakes her head.

'You already knew that, didn't you?'

'Yeah, but I'm very competitive. Gotta show who's the alpha around.'

"You..." (???)

Suddenly, one of the remaining female members of the group starts talking to me.

I look at her for the first time and immediately notice her red irises. They seem captivating, but I stay a bit on guard, their nature being a bit cryptic to me. It's not like the race in front of me usually has any malicious intent, their kind can just be a bit nasty sometimes.

'Generally speaking, dryads are pretty cool, though.'

"You just killed the only male in this town." (???)

'You know what that means, right?'

'Yeah...'

'HAREM TIME!'

I clear my throat. Even though I killed their only male, they don't seem to be too angry about it. More like in disbelief.

"Well, he could've explained himself better-" (Me)

'Yeah, shift the blame. Works every time.'

And suddenly, they prostrate themselves before us. A sea of semi-beautiful women abruptly, and without any warning, throw their guard completely away, only to submit to someone who just killed one of their own kind.

"Understandable reaction." (Me)

I look at Risa, who doesn't seem to have a clue on what is going on either. I was wondering if she had more information about this, considering she met them a few seconds earlier than I did, but the look she gives me, which seems to scream "What is going on?!", convinces me of the opposite.

I shrug in response, not exactly upset by this response.

"Oh, God! You have blessed us with a male from outside! We are eternally in your favor!" (???)

Their group starts chanting the last sentence in unison, like a freaky bunch of cultists. They kiss the ground with every finished sentence, nature being their very own object of worship, before repeating the same sentence again and again.

Risa suddenly gets a huge confidence boost as she puts both hands on her hips and accepts the worshipping with a smug smile.

"Aight, first of all: Don't say that name near me. It kinda gives me an itch in some weird places I honestly don't want to talk about. Second of all: WELCOME YOUR KING!" (Me)

I take Risa's hand and throw both our arms in the air. The girl in question looks at me with a proud grin and shining eyes, one of her probably biggest fantasies finally fulfilled.

I'm assuming. It's not that far-fetched, is it?

She nods once, turning to our audience with much more enthusiasm than she had when her bladder was about to burst like a balloon.

"CALL ME DEMONIC EMPRESS RISA! I WILL RULE OVER YOU WITH MY DARKNESS!" (Risa)

"SHE WILL BLESS US WITH HER DARKNESS!" (All of them)

We bathe in the glorious praising, their voices chanting in beautiful unison. Even the wind flowing through the sky-high trees seem to support them in their song of glorification... until one of them speaks up, that is.

"Lord! May I raise my he-" (???)

"WHO IS'T DID ALLOW THEE TO SPEAKETH?!" (Me)

Silence.

...

"Nah, I'm just joking. What's good, honeypie?" (Me)

The leader of their group stands up from her position in the front, while the rest continues their kowtowing. Their expertise in being submissive is a bit suspicious, as their kind usually doesn't follow anyone who just came by.

I should know, I was once a dryad myself.

Their kind values freedom over anything, living in symbiosis with nature, preserving the forest and themselves is their first priority.

Nowhere in these goals is "we need a king" written. Their patriarch is decided by something completely else entirely.

"We have awaited you, oh King and Demonic Empress Risa." (???)

While Risa lets out a happy screech, I cross my arms with playful dominance. There's no way I would just neglect my role as a king and act like usual.

"Why wait? There's no way for you dryads to tell there's anyone outside, as far as I know." (Me)

'Wait, you already said that once. Are they really dryads?'

'Did you ignore my entire monologue a few seconds ago?'

'Yeah.'

She kneels down again in a hurried manner. That question must've come out of nowhere for her as she hesitates to answer.

'Answer my question.'

"I'm incredibly ashamed to not have explained our situation immediately to you!" (???)

I wouldn't expect something as unreasonable from them as to go on a monologue directly after meeting me. Nevertheless, my playful strictness seems to have gotten under her skin, throwing her in visible disarray.

'Don't you ignore me now. That's not fair.'

"My name is Lana, and I am the leader of our tribe of dryads." (Lana)

She hesitates once again, lowering her head even more. It nearly touches the ground again by now.

"But I beg you to consider listening to my explanation in the village. I can show you proof of everything that happened over there." (Lana)

'Do you smell it?'

'That kinda smelly smell?'

'The smelly smell that smells...'

'...smelly...'

"ANCHOVIES!" (Me)

Startled, everyone stops their activity again. Just like the time I sent the beautiful bird flying.

"Whoops, forgot that not all parties present are in my head. Yeah, sure. Let's go." (Me)

'Don't you think that that's a bit careless?'

'Of course I do, but think of our situation a bit. We don't know how to get out of this dungeon while having nothing to eat and no safe place to stay at. Meanwhile, dryads are generally peaceful half-monsters who have nearly no means of attack whatsoever. This is our best option.'

In unison, the dryads stand up. Their red irises seem to be gleaming every time light hits them, which gives off a bit of a mysterious vibe.

"Nith?" (Risa)

We follow the group in an uncertain direction while Risa starts to speak back up. She's been a bit more on the quiet side since the others appeared, even if she's been happier than anything after relieving herself.

'I have a slight hunch she doesn't like people.'

'Whaaaaat? How would you knoooooow?'

Her worried expression makes me wonder what's going on again.

'If she tells me she has to shit now, I'm gonna lose it.'

"Wanna spill your heart out?" (Me)

It takes a few seconds for her to speak again.

...

"Do you think I should've taken a bit more time on choosing my title?" (Risa)

"Oh yeah, totally. You didn't have nearly enough prefixes to your title." (Me)

"Dang it..." (Risa)

"But I'm sure you can still change it if you tell 'em to." (Me)

She pumps up her fists in an attempt to build up some sort of resolution. I know that's not the only thing on her mind, but you gotta attack these kinds of things with care.

It's not like I'm blind. I'm better versed in human interaction and human reading than any other person on this planet, and with my immaculate gift of perception I've long deduced that there's something different about Risa.

The social awkwardness and her powers have to have an origin.

We continue walking like that for a while. Talking, thinking up of cool-

'Edgy.'

-names, until we get to a clearing in this jungle. A peaceful and nice little village appears in sight.

Risa walks up in front of me and puts her fists on her hips.

"Hmpf, so this will be the kingdom I will be ruling?" (Risa)

She stands there, doing her best to look as imposing as possible with her small stature. A slight blush adorns her cheeks since she stepped out of line, her awkward nature fiercely fighting every motion of hers.

'I really don't understand how she can be shy, and such a funny little person simultaneously. Always brings a smile to my face.'

'Praise be her.'

Lana turns around and points to one of the biggest, brown tents out of which this village consists. Their houses easily blend into nature, their goal to not interrupt the local wildlife evident. Even the materials weren't procured from any way harmful to the forest, but instead of already dead material prevalent in any location overrun by flora.

"This is our village center. I will tell you everything in there." (Lana)

The group of dryads disperses in a hurry, telling everyone about us. Just now I notice another peculiarity.

'They even have little, gecko-like tails...'

'Which is not normal, I presume?'

'Nope...'

Nonetheless, we both follow the head of this village to her tent. This tribe doesn't seem to be as simple as a normal tribe of dryads, their current location of residence being my first clue. But who would I be if I just rejected such a polite invitation?

Risa fell silent again, the probable cause being the adult in close proximity. It's astonishing how quick her mood can change from joyful to quiet in a heartbeat.

"So, you wanted to talk about something?" (Me)

"Yes, of course." (Lana)

We enter Lana's house. The inside is sparsely decorated, with the ground just being dirt, one bed out of straw in the corner, and a few chairs here and there. The first look really doesn't give off the vibe of a town hall.

The second doesn't either.

Poor is the best way to describe it. Dryads aren't a luxurious race in the first place, but this interior design doesn't even give off the feeling of someone living here.

"We are a tribe of dryads, who have lived in this world for over millions of years." (Lana)

We refuse the chairs with a simple gesture and sit down on the ground, which seemed much more comfortable than the possible splinter we could get in our asses. Lana starts preparing some kind of snacks, simple hospitality being the best she can offer, which I also refuse.

Risa is visibly disappointed by that, showing that I still need to teach her not to accept candy from strangers.

At this point in time, a white van selling treats poses the biggest threat to her.

"No one remembers anymore how we got here, but there's one relic from old times. We have worshipped it for much longer than I have been alive for, our ancestors having taught us its meaning." (Lana)

I raise my hand faster than I can ever remember.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Let me guess! It's a prophecy about people who will come here and look different than you! Those people will be your saviors!" (Me)

She nods, while Risa gets a bit excited. She mumbles some words, which I hear loud and clear.

"So cool! A prophecy!" (Risa)

'Awwww!'

'AWWWWW!'

"You wouldn't mind showing us this prophecy, right?" (Me)

Lana nods once more. How easy life can be when you don't have some kind of eccentric personality to deal with in front of you.

'I kinda feel attacked so I just want to note that you're the most eccentric bitch I've ever met.'

'Wasn't exactly talking about you.'

'Just as a sidenote. Wanted to make sure.'

"Of course. But I ask you to please wait until tonight. It is written in the prophecy that we need to crown you in a ritual we're preparing as we speak." (Lana)

"Oh sure, I'm known to respect culture and women especially. There's no need to worry." (Me)

No one really knows what to say anymore.

"So now we have to wait until night falls to progress?" (Me)

"Yes." (Lana)

Again, awkward silence.

"So... wanna play some trumps?" (Me)

I get a set of cards out of my pockets.

'Emergency set of cards. Good choice.'

'I told you, I'm prepared for every scenario.'

*

----------------------------------------

*

From the outside, deafening drums produce a rhythmic sound, indicating the start of the coronation. The quiet lulling of cicadas accompanies us, as we play our last round of cards before the ceremony starts.

"UNO BITCHES!" (Me)

"Fufu, you think you have already won?" (Risa)

Risa draws the last card from her deck.

"NAIVE!" (Risa)

Somewhere along the way, Risa got used to the uncommon environment, resulting in her current explosiveness. The card game has already reached its peak, both of us playing our last trumps.

Meanwhile, Lana got lost somewhere along the way.

"Im- impossible!" (Me)

She turns around her last card.

"YOU CAN'T WIN AGAINST THE UNSTOPPABLE EXODIA!" (Risa)

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!" (Me)

The incredible power of the most frightening card in the game reduces any hope to win to ash. The probability of her drawing the last piece needed was abysmal, but she believed in the heart of the cards.

"I can't believe it... I lost?" (Me)

"Of course you did! No one can win against the unbeaten world champion!" (Risa)

I had no choice but to let her win all the matches. I might believe in equal rights, equal fights, but I couldn't let the little girl get sad, could I?

My joints groan as I stand up for the first time in a few hours. The fuzzy feeling of my legs falling asleep is something I didn't miss exactly, considering I was ordered to kneel on a bed of nails for years just a few centuries back.

"Ah, I can't stand up." (Risa)

After helping Risa up, we leave the tent.

"Nice festival." (Me)

With a huge bonfire in the middle and rhythmic drum beats, the village is lit up magnificently. The orange flame illuminates the dryads performing one of their traditional dances.

The way they move accurately makes me wonder how they still know the choreography to a T, even though they haven't had contact with the outside in, presumably, over a million years.

'Trick, I know what you want to say. Don't you dare.'

'THE VILLAGE IS LIT AF *DABS FURIOUSLY*!'

'I will end you when I get you out of this body.'

But again, as soon as we appear in the line of sight of the villagers, they stop their dance and stare at us with their beautiful, but eery, gold-red eyes.

'Well, I do have a hunch on what's going on though.'

What would be expected of a festival with such a tediously constructed bonfire would be that the dryads are dancing around it.

Instead, a monument covered by a blanket serves as the center of their dance.

A few of them come to us with drinks, which seem to be alcoholic, but I refuse.

"No drugs for me. The only drug I need is life." (Me)

'Oh, fuck off.'

But Risa actually takes a cup. I really need to hurry with her education.

"Finally. This great being wanted to drink something for a while no-" (Risa)

And I take the cup away, just to gulp the contents down myself. The gentle taste of good wine washes my thirst away, the sweet and supple aroma invigorating my body.

'i'M hIgH oN lIFe iTsELf.'

'Well...'

I channel mana through all of my organs to check for any kinds of weird substances in it.

Due to taking in an absurd amount of sleep poison at once, you unlocked the skill "Poison resistance" (Lvl 1) (Passive)!

Poison resistance: Well, guess fucking what. You can resist weak poison, dumbass. (May unlock additional effects at higher levels)

'...probably because of that? Didn't really want the little girl to get that, you know?'

'I only know one scenario where you'd need so much sleep poison... and... well... it rhymes with grape.'

I play it cool at first. The initial doubts I had from the beginning were confirmed with this one screen, but that doesn't mean I should just carelessly attack.

Maybe it's just tradition around here, who knows? Maybe they just want to make sure I get a good night's sleep? I don't want them to see me as an uncultured bitch.

"Yo, Lana. Can we hurry up a bit? I'm getting a bit sleepy, and still want to see the prophecy." (Me)

The village chief looks at me weirdly, probably expecting me to drop down immediately. If I wasn't who I am, that would've definitely been the case, but, alas, no luck. My expertise in mana can easily hold the poison at bay.

Now that I'm actively searching for it, the rhythmic drumbeats seem to have an effect on my consciousness as well.

That's what I meant earlier with nasty tricks. They might not be the best in offense, but their knowledge of the forest and alternative methods to defend themselves makes them a bit annoying to deal with.

Not that any of them can affect me much.

"REVEAL THE PROPHECY!" (Lana)

A bunch of people tear down the blanket on the monument, and a fleshy pillar gets revealed, reminding me of every scene we saw before this floor.

The pulsing thing seems completely out of place, its grotesque purplish-red not mixing well with the vibrant green in the environment. If I wasn't sure of it, I could be convinced that I'm looking at two completely different pictures.

But the important thing isn't the monument itself, but rather what's on it.

Runes and pictures I know all too well.

'Oh well... Trick?'

'Ew, that thing looks gross... yeah?'

'Remember when I said that I had a hunch on what's going on here?'

'That was about 4 minutes ago, so yeah.'

'Well...'

I check out the runes again. Their weird style and incoherent looks are unique in the whole universe, their power feared by anyone who knows about them.

The language I've decided to despise for my whole life.

A part of one of my mistakes in the past as the co-creator of such a vile instrument of oppression.

'I kinda take that back.'

Carved on the fleshy pillar, with vibrant, glowing paint in the scars, are the ancient runes of Heaven.