"Give it to me baby." (Me)

Skills I've painstakingly acquired over an absurd amount of time flash before my eyes, their decent strength still something I'm honestly a bit proud of. My mind is full of expectation and joy like a fucking kid on Christmas eve.

But I forgot that you can't always be lucky in life, and sometimes it just shits in your cereal.

...

More than a few seconds of suspense pass in silence.

'But nothing happened!'

"Don't you dare..." (Me)

Due to an unforeseen error, the file was corrupted!

Error Code: 404

A tiny bit of water runs down my cheek. My frail heart was broken into pieces by a single screen, reminding me how cruel the world really is. Nothing ever works out for me the way it should.

'You're crying.'

"Santa is a fucking arse, I can tell ya that. *Sniff*" (Me)

I wipe the tear off my cheek. In times like these, you have to be strong and try your best not to throw a tantrum.

Wind*ws is trying to identify the problem. This might take a few seconds.

Reason: Vessel too weak at the moment!

Only a fraction of the skills can be merged! Would you like to see them?

I'm about to bust an artery. Just cause Trick didn't go to the gym, I have to suffer. To be honest, bad first impression for someone who wants to share a body with me.

'Right, should've prepared better in case of a sudden apocalypse, you cock.'

'But you didn't, and that's the problem here.'

I answer the system's question, which promptly shows what skills I merged. We're gonna ignore that Trick is cursing me in the back of my mind.

You merged the following skills!

Pain resistance (MAX) (Passive Skill)

You will be compensated for our error!

Every stat +10! Every stat increases by 1 point per level!

Scratch everything I just said. I feel the tantrum coming.

Only a fraction of my skills would've been more than enough to live life lavishly, but only merging a single skill is even worse than anything I could've ever imagined.

There's only one thing that comes to mind which could change this outcome. I didn't want to use it, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

"System, would you pwease give me more skills?" (Me)

'Please don't do that.'

Request denied! Here's your status!

"I even asked nicely. What a shame that I forgot that the system is an absolute cunt." (Me)

'That was not "nicely". I wouldn't accept any request like that either.'

'That's because you lack manners, unlike me.'

STATUS

Name: NA

Level: 1 (No class)

Race: Human...ish?

HP: 400

MP: 400

STATS

STR: 20

AGL: 20

END: 20

MAG: 20

LCK: 20

CHR: 30

SHOP (unlocked after first kill)

ACTIVE SKILLS

PASSIVE SKILLS

TITLES

Barely worth a second glance, a depressing reality is presented before me, the meager stats not even amounting to a fracture of what I once had. Whether it's stats or skills, everything so far has been nothing but a disappointment.

'Wait, did you just get doubled stats in most categories? Fuck are you sad about?'

I start to rotate my arm in an attempt to stretch it a bit. My shoulder cracks the first few times, but soon warms up enough to feel comfortable.

"Trust me, this whole conversation would seem ridiculous if I had completely merged with you." (Me)

The strange feeling of being inside a body that just belonged to someone else is still prevalent, and will probably take me some time to get used to. My muscles still take more time to respond than I would like, which could prove dangerous in certain situations.

For now, it should still suffice, though.

'You're intentionally teasing me with that shit, right?'

"Would I ever? I just like the drama my secrets entail!" (Me)

I peek out of the classroom, checking if there are any Orcs in the vicinity. Don't get me wrong, I like being sought after, but the Orcs might want something more serious than I do.

No orcs in sight.

'Well then, I guess it's time to search for some nice ol' pants.'

Even with maiden danger breathing down my neck, I dare to walk through the hallway reeking of blood and guts without a second thought. The hope of some decent trousers encourages me, even though the leg-freedom is admittedly quite nice.

My steps echo quite soundly in a solid tact in this hallway where havoc rules.

A few minutes pass like this.

'~As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life-'

'-and realize there's nothin' left-'

Just as we both try to get into tune with each other, my little eye spies something behind the next corner, right behind the rubble that fell from the ceiling and the other dozen or so corpses.

'HALT!'

'Cause I've been blastin' and laughin' so long that-'

'First of all, that was my part. Secondly, shush you! Relatively intact corpse at 12 o'clock.'

I say relatively intact but there's nothing about its face that would remind you of it being once human. If it weren't for the additional unharmed upper body giving us a little tease, I couldn't recognize that person in any way.

'But does he have pants?'

'That's what I'm hoping for.'

I stand still for a second, trying to hear if anything dangerous is near me. After all, you don't want to be disturbed while committing a felony like low-key grave robbery.

But there's nothing I can really make out, even with my sudden stat boost. My increased physical stats also influence my senses, so I'm fairly sure that I'm-

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

'Nope, not gonna jinx it. Oho, you glorious pants. You'll soon be mine.'

I approach the corner quietly and reach out with my hand. Like I'm trying to defuse a bomb, I carefully touch the soft fabric of the pants.

"Me likey corpse." (Orc #1)

"Me too likey corpse." (Orc #2)

"Me three likey corpse." (Orc #3)

I stop abruptly.

'I didn't jinx it. How did this happen?'

Looking right at me and my hand are three Orcs, looking completely similar to each other. I would ask the charming triplets if they want to share the corpse, but I think that would be of bad taste.

'Alright... it'll take about 3 seconds for them to process what just happened, Trick. Any advice?'

Suddenly, a feeling like I'm remembering a picture is coming up in my mind. Like I'm forced to think about it.

> [https://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000184125941-3oqp68-t500x500.jpg]

'Oh wow, you can make use of my memories? How nice.'

'Just tried it. It really is neat.'

The 3 seconds have long passed with our conversation. I can see how they start to breathe heavily and the situation gets tenser by the second. I won't regret the nice moment Trick and I shared together, though.

"Me think alive human better!" (Orc #1)

"Me too think alive human better!" (Orc #2)

"Me three think alive human better!" (Orc #3)

I take a few steps back, trying to defuse this predicament I got myself into. Although it doesn't work, since they start to approach me with heavy steps.

"I know that I look delicious, guys. I mean, I'm thick as fuck, but don't you think those 4 girls behind you would be way tastier?" (Me)

They, of course, turn around since they've got about as many brain cells as plankton.

And boy, do I start running. I am a bit fucked in the head, but I don't want to be triple-timed by orcs just yet.

'Maybe later.'

'Fuck you mean, "later"?'

'Not right now. "Later" doesn't have many other definitions.'

Slowly, they realize that I just tricked them-

'You called?'

'HA!'

-and start chasing after me. They're insane screaming, which could come from hunger and/or arousal, sounds like a group of rabid chimps, giving me just that tinge of additional motivation to get the fuck out of here.

The ground behind me starts shaking with heavy footsteps, the wind howls after me. I'm running faster than any normal human ever could. My abnormal stat boost enables me to run at a frantic 50 km/h, but they're still catching up to me.

'What I'd give for a banana peel right now.'

'Even if I want to see you get fucked up, please just run. Don't get any weird ideas.'

A few dozen meters in front of me, I see a few sharp metal rods sticking out of a pile of debris seemingly ripped out of the wall, each about 2 meters long. They are embedded into the concrete, which could make what I'm about to do a bit more difficult.

'I said I couldn't take those guys "head-on", right?'

'It took you 4 fucking seconds to ignore my plea of safety.'

I check the remaining distance between us in this long ass hallway.

60 meters.

'This is a huge school, what the fuck.'

Without a shred of hesitation, I attempt to pull the rods out of the concrete. Their rough exterior tears the skin off my palms at first, which makes my grip slip the more pressure I use.

Not exactly helpful, as one could imagine.

Their booming footsteps approach with high speed, urging me to hurry up.

The metal rods loosen in the brittle stone.

"CALL ME KING ARTHUR!" (Me)

Would you like to be named "King Arthur"?

"OH, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS! YE-" (Me)

'You're not going to name my body "King Arthur".'

"Watcha gonna do about it?" (Me)

'2 girls 1 cup on infinite loop.'

"Dismiss." (Me)

Naming was canceled!

Finally, after a few seconds which I don't really have, I manage to pull some bars out. Wondering if I could've just beaten the rock until it gave out, I start running.

I re-check the distance between us.

They're nearly touching the hair on my ass.

If I had started running just a few seconds later, they would've caught up to me.

I turn past the next corner in the blink of an eye, literally to save my ass, and stick the 4 metal rods I managed to pull out at a 45° angle into the hard ground, side by side.

"And now we wa-" (Me)

*SPLASH!*

Without even letting me finish, the 3 Orcs run into my trap stupidly. One after the other, as if it was choreographed, they get impaled side by side, showing the deep sense of camaraderie they developed over the years. Their innards spill on the floor from where their flesh was brutally stabbed, drenching the floor in blood.

"Oaaaargh." (Orc #1)

"Me too Oaaaargh." (Orc #2)

"Me three Oaaaargh." (Orc #3)

Their bodies go limp instantly.

I rest my forearm on one of the dead orcs and nibble on an invisible carrot.

"Eh, what's up doc?" (Me)

You have killed an Orc (Lvl 16)!

+5463 EXP!

You became Level 8!

Every stat +8!

You have killed an Orc (Lvl 14)!

+4832 EXP!

You became Level 11!

Every stat +3!

Due to being the first in your world to kill an Orc, you will get a special reward!

Special reward only acceptable after the tutorial of the shop!

Would you like to take the tutorial now?

Right after killing Huey, Dewey, and Louie, I get bombarded by messages. But there's one thing not really kosher. One thing that just doesn't sit right with me.

'Why are there only 2 killing messages?'

"We both know the answer." (Me)

As if to prove my point, the third Orc suddenly rips out the MacGyver spear and throws it at me with brute force. Due to the orc's bad coordination, it just propels through the air haphazardly, posing a threat to anything in my vicinity, inanimate or not.

I dodge it fabulously.

'This is the part where it might get uncomfortable.'

'Just do the same shit you've done before.'

Trick's objection might come from a good heart, but it's not exactly something viable at the moment, especially after showing the big dude in front of me that I'm not a stranger to a bit of underhanded tomfoolery.

'I don't really think that's gonna work from now on. Even if he's stupid.'

The orc's muscles start to bulge and his veins pop out of every place imaginable. Slowly, he grows in size, his skin turning a shade of crimson red. Even though he was big before, standing at a proud 2.5 meters, he now grew at least another meter, rubbing in the fact that he could crush me with a single punch.

'Why is he increasing in size?'

'Monsters also have skills, ya know?'

"ROOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!" (Buff as fuck Orc)

"No need to shout, use your inner voice." (Me)

The berserker-like shout makes the whole building tremble, the frail concrete not designed to withstand any supernatural forces. In his eyes, an unforeseen rage is depicted, mourning for the death of his two late brothers. His lust is replaced with the intent to activate any life-insurance Trick once had.

'Ouch, bad news, buddy.'

I start running again. I would never consider dying as long as I don't get at least some money out of it.

'And to be honest, hiding wouldn't be suuuuuch a bad idea right now.'

While the orc's busy transforming, I search for a place that could serve as a good hideout. It's just that in a straight hallway, your choices aren't exactly abundant.

'Just pick a random classroom.'

'Pff, no. That would be retarded. How could I live with myself if someone were to be there?'

'Kinda hilarious...'

'Bet.'

I cross the next corner and take a random classroom to hide at.

My heart rate betrays the amount of danger I was just in, bullets of sweat dripping down my body from the whole sprinting for my life. My ragged breathing probably doesn't only stem from the forced cardio workout I had to go through, but also the life-threatening situation in itself.

I close the door behind me in a hurry and try to get my breathing under control.

"A deadly play of hide n' seek, eh? This is way more fun than the torture in hell." (Me)

That's the moment I notice that I'm actually not alone in this room.

'Lmao, that girl's gonna hate you.'

"Uhm... hi." (Me)

Hiding behind the teacher's desk is a girl with blonde hair and disheveled clothes. Even with her uniform practically caked in dust and dirt, she still looks way better than any corpse I found around here. Her gentle face actually gives me the impression that we could get along.

"You're being chased, aren't you?" (???)

Until her tone clearly implies she doesn't want me here.

"Uhm... no?" (Me)

"Get out." (???)

Her stern voice is the total opposite of what her facial structure is trying to say. Although it might seem that her beauty invites you to talk with her, her tone is as cold as ice, not leaving any room up for discussion.

"Oh, if you're asking so kindly~." (Me)

I take a chair and barricade the door with it.

"That's the opposite of what I asked, you moron." (???)

"You gotta speak louder, I'm hard of hearing. I could've sworn you said "pick that chair up and barricade the door with it"." (Me)

She stands up from behind the desk and approaches me aggressively. Her hair, cut in a medium bob-cut, sways from side to side as her arm spreads out in a certain direction.

From beside me, I see a metal rod, just like the one I just impaled the Orcs with, rattling in the destroyed concrete.

'Dafuq? Why is it moving?!'

'That's cause you ain't the only one who became cool and got superpowers.'

The metal rod suddenly darts over to me, my legs as its goal.

Trying to combo-wombo me, the girl reaches out for a punch.

'And I guess it's time to show who was luckier with the lottery of abilities.'

I catch the projectile mid-flight and do the same to her fist. With one move, I turn her arm behind her back, restricting her from moving.

"While I do appreciate your assertiveness and do like rough play, you should be quiet for a second. Just a friendly advice from your local savior." (Me)

"Let me g-" (???)

Just as she wanted to be rude again, I awkwardly put my hand on her mouth and put my own finger even more awkwardly on my mouth.

"No licking or else I'll giggle and we wouldn't want that right now." (Me)

In an eery rhythm, footsteps shuffle outside of our door. I can feel the girl I'm holding freeze up, terror in her eyes.

"Told ya." (Me)

"Where is alive human?" (Orc)

Her pupils widen at the sudden realization that her life is in undeniable danger. Considering that all of this happened just half an hour ago, I have to admire how composed she is. Usually, a girl in her late teens would be breaking out in tears.

We wait silently until the steps completely disappear.

"See? You would've been dead without me." (Me)

She struggles, trying to break free. Thanks to my increased physical stats, I don't feel a lot and slip my now free hand into the pocket of her skirt. Refusal to cooperate sadly forces me to commit a crime, the purse in her skirt as my target.

"Doesn't count as theft in an apocalypse, now that I think about it." (Me)

I open it and look at her ID.

"Well then, Miss "Jess Connor". It's nice to meet you. I'm..." (Me)

I think about it for a second.

"My name is Nith." (Me)

Would you like to be named "Nith"?

'As long as my body-roommate agrees.'

'Actua-'

'Yes, please.'