Gwen placed a wide plastic container at the foot of the passenger-side seat. Its purpose was obvious, she didn’t want even an ounce of unwanted dirt on the inside of her car. She was a neat freak, no doubt about it, but I was in no place to argue. Her car, her rules. I stepped into the container and slid into the seat before shutting the door on my right.
“So uh, what’s up?” I asked.
When I looked back up at her, I found her head and both hands resting at the top of her steering wheel. The golden locks of her hair hung over her shadowed visage, making it difficult to ascertain just what she was feeling from her face. Her body language, however, told the entire story. The way her body arched as she hunched over the wheel, almost like an admittance of defeat, clearly seemed to communicate some type of distress. Almost as if… everything had come crumbling down around her. Was it possible? Were we in hot water? Was that what this was all about?
“Gwen?”
No response. It felt like my worst fears were coming to life. I felt my heartbeat quickening in my chest. Was it really over? Did someone find out that we drugged Ben already? Just like that? On my first day back?
“Tristan.”
“Uh, yeah?”
“Would you…”
I was frozen in place. Whatever she said would probably change my life forever, and the way she dragged her feet coming out with it made me want to scream.
“Would I…?”
She paused, taking a deep breath, then faced me with renewed determination.
“Wanna hang out at the mall tomorrow?”
“Huh?” Hang out at the mall? With her? “Uh… I mean…”
“What, you don’t want to?” She asked, pouting red with embarrassment.
“I mean… it’s not that I don’t, it’s just…” I scratched the back of my head. “I’ve never been asked out before, so...”
“Asked…?”
Her face warped from embarrassment to complete confusion, to…
“Ew.”
From a shy, gentle expression to one of unfiltered disdain for even being within my vicinity. My heart sank like the titanic, down to the bottom of the ocean floor.
“W-what?”
“It’s my birthday, and a bunch of us are hanging out at the mall tomorrow. I just wanted to know if you felt like tagging along.”
My face was the red one now. I had completely misunderstood what she’d said and embarrassed myself.
“Oh, uh… whose gonna be there?”
“Me, Penny, Law, Warren, and… Ben,” she said, pinching her nasal bridge. “Why would you think that…?”
“Right, my bad…” I did my best to shake off the embarrassment. I had plenty of sleepless nights in the future to reminisce over how shameful this was. But that aside, I had no issues with most of the names she had mentioned, but to hang out with Ben was… “I don’t know,” I said.
“Don’t worry, he won’t bother you. He wouldn’t ruin my birthday like that. We’re dating again, so I’ll make sure of it.”
She seemed to know what my major hang up was and tried to ease my concerns. It didn’t do much to alleviate any distress his name had brought up, however. It’s not that I didn’t trust her, it’s just that he probably wouldn’t be able to hold himself back from going crazy after everything that’s happened. Not only does he not have Zoey, but his basketball career is in ruins now according to what Jaz had said. Seeing my face after all of that probably wouldn’t do his mental state any favors.
“How, uh… how’s he been? Since, you know…”
As if my words had scratched an itch, she reached down and grabbed a cigarette before lighting it at her lips. She turned her window down and took a drag of the thing while staring emptily at the roads outside of her window.
“He’s Ben,” she finally said.
“I see.” Her response was the opposite of reassuring. Gwen was not doing a fantastic job of selling me on this birthday mall visit of hers. “Listen. It’s not that I don’t want to…”
“I’ll invite Naomi.”
“Huh?”
“That way your friend will come, right? Since the two of them are always together.”
Naomi’s name coming up wasn’t that surprising. Gwen and her were on good terms, after all. But were they really that close, or was she just that serious about getting me to come to the mall?
“Can I ask why you’re inviting me? I mean, aside from what happened last week, we’re not exactly close...”
“I know. I just, thought it’d be a nice way to say thank you for everything you did.”
“Thank me?”
“Well, if it weren’t for you, Ben would still be obsessing over Zoey, and I’d be… Well, I don’t know if I’d be able to keep living like that.”
“Yeah.”
She wasn’t wrong about that. Even if Zoey curbed him for the month like she said she would, that would probably only make Ben more obsessed with controlling her. She can act like it wasn’t a big deal as much as she likes, but our school losing the homecoming game was a godsend for all three of us, her included.
“I’m the same. If he won, I might’ve done something I’d regret.”
“Yeah, I feel the same way.”
The two of us sat in silence in the car, mulling over what could have been. It’s thanks to Gwen that it didn’t get to that point. I don’t think I could have thrown the game without resorting to revealing Dream Paralysis if she didn’t help out. But if we look at it that way, then she’s probably thinking that it’s also thanks to me that she didn’t have to resort to something more drastic.
“Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. We’re meeting up at the mall at around 1, so make sure you’re there on time.”
“Right… I guess I could go.”
“Okay, good.”
“But…” I said.
“But?”
“Do you think you could give me a lift back to my place right now?”
“Huh? Why would I do that?”
“Well, Lance kinda drove off without me already…”
“Are you stupid? You could’ve just told him to wait.”
“I didn’t think you’d want people knowing that we were on speaking terms, that’s all.”
“Why not?”
“W-why not? Well…”
I couldn’t tell her it’s because that was the arrangement Zoey and I were working under until today. Being unable to connect the two of us reduces the chance of anyone uncovering the conspiracy we hatched last week. But I guess to Gwen it’s not a big deal. I suppose it’s not like anyone would ever figure out what we did unless she opened her mouth, after all.
“Ugh, nevermind,” she said, putting her seatbelt on. “Just text me the address.”
“I gave it to you at homecoming.”
“Yeah, and I deleted it. I don’t want people knowing that we were texting that day. You deleted it too, right?”
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
Her squinted gaze was a laser beam to the face. Or perhaps it was more like x-ray vision, considering how transparent everything seemed to be for her. Either way, there was no point in arguing with her.
“I’ll just send it again then,” I said.
She started the car as I sent her the information, and in just a few moments, the sound of tires crunching stones on asphalt filled my ears, and we were on the road. I took the opportunity to click my seatbelt into place, not wanting to get thrown through the windshield should Gwen decide that she needed no witnesses to her deed last week.
The sky had been tinged by a slight dye of orange, a color that seemed to only highlight the browning of the autumn leaves in the thick forest of pines surrounding us. There were leaves scattered across the fenced off grass, leaking onto the road as if hungry to flood the world with nature until winter finally arrived. The passing of the car was conjuring gusts of wind that kicked the discarded waste up into the air. It was a memento of the tree’s past given one final breath of life, and it seemed that neither of us had any intention of looking back.
It started off as a quiet ride, as Gwen seemed to favor not having music on during her rides home. Or perhaps she just didn’t feel like letting me listen in on whatever she had been playing last? Either way, her attitude towards me seemed to imply that she was done with her business and wanted nothing more to do with me. I didn’t blame her for it. I happened to also be quite uncomfortable with everything. I mean, if Ben saw me with her like this then wouldn’t he get right back to hounding me like before? She didn’t seem to be too worried about it though, so maybe I was being paranoid for no reason.
Then I thought about her birthday. I had no idea that it was so soon. Should I get her a gift since she went out of her way to invite me? I contemplated it for a little, but my thoughts were interrupted suddenly. My body jerked forward as if I was being propelled by all the laws of physics in the world and then some. If I hadn’t opted to wear my seatbelt, I might have slammed my face into the storage compartment.
“Shit, sorry,” Gwen said.
She had put the car to a sudden stop. It was only when I gathered myself and took a glance through the windshield that I figured out why. Its large body coated in brown-ish grey fur was sprawled out in the middle of the road. Surrounded by nothing but tall pine trees, whose red-dyed leaves cast a bloodied shadow over its mass. The white-tailed doe before us was as still as a statue, eyes devoid of light or even a hint of movement.
“It’s dead,” Gwen said.
“Yeah.”
The two of us could only look on in silence. It was a first for me. I’d seen raccoons and possums lie as victims to a hit and run before, but an adult deer like this was a rarity for me. Even from as far back as I was, seated in the passenger seat of a car a few feet away, I was forced to recognize the sheer size of the creature. It’s a wonder that whoever hit it managed to drive away with their car in one piece.
“There’s nothing we can do for it,” she said.
“Yeah...”
“I’m going to drive around.”
She pulled the car over to the left side of the road and slowly drove on. My eyes met its lifeless pupils as we were passing. A living thing, now dead. It wouldn’t enjoy another meal, mate with a lover, or care for its fawns. It was a conscious being, just like me, with the fire of life burning vibrantly within itself, and now that fire was gone. It wouldn’t ever come back. That’s the end of it.
Dead.
It’s dead.
We will all die eventually, just like this deer.
That’s right.
I’m going to die.
“Ah…” I felt my chest being tugged into the seat.
The tendrils of darkness from all those years ago.
I was being sucked into the tunnel again.
All while the face of the end, the lifeless eyes of the deer peered into me.
Slowly, the face warped.
As if I had suddenly developed a supernatural sixth sense, the skull of the wendigo imprinted itself onto the deer’s face.
“A-ah…”
I gripped my chest suddenly as my breathing quickly became erratic.
“Tristan?”
My heart was entering a frenzy.
The tendrils were tugging at me with an animalistic roughness.
Everything was suddenly a blur as I felt myself sinking into the car seat.
I’m going to die.
I undid the seatbelt and pulled my body forward as my audibly frantic breaths filled the inside of the car.
At that moment, I genuinely believed that I was going to drop dead inside of Gwen’s car.
“Tristan, it’s okay. You’re fine. Take deep breaths,” Gwen said, hurriedly parking the car off to the side. I did my best to follow her instructions, changing my breathing from small, desperate gasps to larger gulps of air. She reached into the back seat as I did my best to calm myself. “Christ, it’s okay, okay? Look, here.”
I glanced over and found her holding a flask of water that sounded about half-empty. I removed the cap and took a sip as my breathing naturally came to a crawl. I felt her hand caressing my back as I managed to refocus myself. My face must not have inspired much confidence if even Gwen, who constantly looked like she wanted to admonish me into dust, looked worried. But her presence had helped me, as the tendrils slowly released their grip on me, and I found myself relaxing in my seat, still taking passioned breaths.
“Tastes like cigarettes,” I said after my final gulp.
She must have been drinking in-between smoking because I could taste the tobacco on my tongue with each sip.
“Shut the fuck up.” She swiped it back from me then put it in the cupholder. Her angry expression only lasted a moment though, as her face crumpled into a sigh. “Panic attack?”
“Yeah.”
I half-expected her to berate me for being such a coward, but at my response, she only glanced back over at the deer.
“You don’t have to look at it. It’s just a dead animal.”
“Right…”
Her hand left my back and returned to the steering wheel, and she started driving again. Her response had taken me by surprise. For someone who had seen it fit to be as coarse as she had been with me, she was oddly understanding of my plight.
“Do you have panic attacks too?” I asked.
“What gave you that idea?”
“I… I don’t know. You just... you were very helpful back there. Thank you.”
She held her silence for a few moments. Her unreadable expression made it difficult for me to ascertain whether she was grateful for my understanding or just plain annoyed.
“Yeah. It happens every now and then.”
“Do you know what causes them?”
“What are you, my therapist?” she shot back.
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
I was being conceited. It’s not like she’d just open up about her trauma to a guy like me. We continued in silence for about two minutes as I immersed myself in the Deer Valley wildlife around me.
“Bees,” she said.
“Bees?”
“I’m allergic. If I get stung, I’ll go into anaphylactic shock.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
She sighed. “For what it’s worth though, getting stung as a kid is only the second worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I didn’t need to ask what the worst thing was. It was obvious enough from having spoken to her last week. But despite having asked about her allergies, I couldn’t find the words to console her beyond my meager apology. I’m also scared of dying, but I couldn’t imagine what her experience of the outdoors was if she had to be anxious about something like that constantly.
“What about you?”
I paused, wondering how transparent I should be with her.
“Hey Gwen… have you ever heard of something called a Wendigo?”
“Wendigo? The deer demon thing?”
“You know about it?”
“Yeah, I’ve heard it in passing. Why?”
“I’ve been having dreams about it this past week. It’s like, this scary creature that enters my body and follows me wherever I go.”
“And the Wendigo dreams are what’s causing your panic attacks?”
“No, it’s more like they’re a symptom.”
“You’re building up to something here.”
“Okay, okay, I’m getting to it.” I took a deep breath, then with my exhale, the words came out naturally. “I’m scared of dying.”
She turned to face me, then looked back at the road, taking a moment to let my words seep in carefully. Then, as if she hadn’t paused at all, she scoffed.
“Dying? That’s all?”
“What? What do you mean that’s all? You’re scared of dying too.”
“No, I’m scared of bee stings. That’s different. Dying is whatever.”
“Dying is not whatever,” I protested.
“What’s so scary about it then?”
“Nothing, if you’re religious.”
“I’m not particularly religious.”
“Then how is it not scary? It’s the end of everything. You’re going to like, not exist anymore.”
“Well, it’s going to fucking happen whether I worry about it or not, Tristan. What’s the point in crying about it?”
“That explains the smoking...”
“It relaxes me. Maybe your hard ass should try it sometime.” Her annoyed expression forced me to smile. “Besides, the fact that I’m gonna die someday is liberating in a way.”
“Liberating?”
“Yeah. If I’m going to die anyway, then I may as well spend my time while I’m alive chasing after what makes me happy.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah, I do. I feel like it’s way too easy to get caught up in thoughts like ‘I’m not good enough to do this’ or ‘this thing I want will never happen for me’. I see cousins I’ve grown up with give up their dreams for normal lives. They look happy to me, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if they ever regret giving up. Wondering if they’re going to spend the rest of their one life on earth pondering whether they could have done it or not.”
I could only hear from her voice the naive philosophy of a high school girl who refused to let go of her first love. But for some reason, at that moment, Gwen Diaz’s radiance was blinding to me. Her words did nothing but remind me of my situation with Zoey, whom I had spent the entirety of my high school career admiring from afar. I simply refused to allow myself to take the chance on her because she seemed so far out of my league. In hindsight, after listening to Gwen’s words, that idea just seemed silly to me. Wouldn’t I just die regretting never having spoken to her if I continued down that path?
“We’re here.”
She was already stopped at the driveway to my house. I was so disoriented from everything that happened today that I had stopped paying attention to my surroundings.
“Right, thanks.”
“You’ll be able to get in?”
“Yeah, Dad’s home.”
She said nothing. I opened the car door then paused for a moment.
“I’ll uh, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Whatever, just don’t be late,” she said without looking my way.
I smiled and left her car. then watched her drive off into the distance. For as prickly as she seemed, Gwen Diaz had played the part of a caring person. Offering me that outlook might not change anything about my feelings right away, but I’m sure that if I continued dwelling on it, then something should change. Not due to some supernatural power, but authentically, and over time.
I spun back to the familiar house and walked over to the door, my hands ruffling through my pockets in search of my key. I didn’t actually need it since Dad was home, but I didn’t want to bother him after his long day of work. Once I found it, I pulled it out and fit it squarely inside of the door. And as I did, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
What I found after turning around was almost as terrifying as seeing that deer earlier. The unmistakable figure of Zoey standing squarely in the driveway, with a playful look plastered across her face.
“Hey there.” She waved her hand as she continued flashing me her smiling face. However, it wasn’t like her usual smile. Her mouth might have appeared joyful, but there was something about the look in her eyes, as if they weren’t smiling at all. It was as if her gaze were stripping me bare, digging under my skin, piercing through the bone and muscle and blood and guts as if nothing about me deserved to be hidden from her. Why was she looking at me like that? What was she doing here? What did she know? What was she thinking?
I didn’t know the answer to any of these questions. The only thing I knew for sure was that, for the first time in my life, I was terrified of the girl named Zoey Brahm.