A red 2013 Toyota Camry pulled into the now empty driveway of the house at almost exactly 12:30pm. She was beyond punctual. I couldn’t help but admire that disciplined nature of hers. I wondered about the kind of hard work it took to cultivate it, but that wasn’t something I could possibly understand. From where I stood, it seemed like she was only capable of doing everything perfectly. But deep down, there was also a part of me that felt wholly inferior to that almost inhuman perfection. Wasting away four years of high school while not knowing what the future will look like would do a number on anyone. Watching the train of life slowly crawl toward the end of the guided rails causes discomfort for people like me; confused, battered souls who haven’t quite yet figured out what their goals for the future are. But for people like Zoey Brahm, who had the entire world at the tip of their fingers, it didn’t seem to bother them all that much. And for someone like me, that assurance of hers was something that inspired an incredible amount of envy.
I entered the passenger side seat of the vehicle silently then shut the door without looking in her direction.
“The cooler’s in the trunk.”
“Oh, right…”
I left the car and grabbed the cooler out of the trunk she immediately popped open, then carried the emptied icebox back into the house and down into the basement. I returned outside and locked the door to the house before returning to the seat I was in just moments ago. The vehicle didn’t take off, however, and I could feel Zoey staring holes into the side of my face. She clearly still had something to say.
“What now?”
“Are you wearing sunglasses?”
“As you can see.”
Since I was suspended from school, I decided that it would be for the best if I wore a disguise. The baseball cap from yesterday, aviator sunglasses, and a medical mask for my face should have been plenty to avoid being recognized.
“You look like a tool.”
I ignored her and stared out of the window. Depending on how this went, I probably wouldn’t make it back for dinner. Which essentially meant that, in as far as my parents’ trust went, this would be a suicide mission.
“Take those off.”
“No.” She reached out and removed my sunglasses despite my refusal, then inspected my face.
“You didn’t sleep.”
Sure enough, I had stayed up for the entire night. It would be a problem if I couldn’t pass out at will considering what I had planned after all. I was running entirely on caffeine from my parents’ coffee machine. When the high ran off, I’d be in the danger zone. But she seemed to understand that after examining me only for a moment.
She returned my sunglasses then drove off from my house. I stared back at the building getting smaller and smaller in the distance, until she turned a corner and it’s figure disappeared completely. The silence was tense. She hadn’t asked me any questions since picking me up. It was as if she weren’t even remotely curious on why I asked for her assistance in the first place. Or was it that she already knew? Had she already put two and two together? Either way, the silence needed to be broken, so I spoke up after a minute or so.
“Are you and Jaz friends?” I asked her the question in full seriousness, but she chuckled in response.
“Oh, is that what she told you?”
“No, she said you don’t have any friends.”
“Yeah, that sounds more like her.” She stopped talking to put her music player on. The sound from Radiohead’s Kid A began filtering out from her car’s speakers.
“She’s a good person. She’s been worried about me in her own way recently.”
“And you won’t let her know what’s going on?”
“Sure. I could tell her that you hacked my body while I was asleep. But where does that leave us? Either she thinks I’m a complete nutcase, or your secret gets out.”
I couldn’t respond. No matter how much Jaz loved and respected Zoey, letting something like that out could only cause more harm than good. It was already a miracle as it was that Zoey hadn’t told anyone about it yet.
“Whatever went on between you and Jaz yesterday is between you and Jaz. We’re merely colleagues, so I’d prefer if you didn’t try to guilt me into presenting my hand to her in friendship.”
“Then let’s talk about your deal with Benjamin instead.”
“I don’t see why we should. Just like your relationship with Jaz, my relationship with Benjamin is between me and him.”
“Hah! Oh yeah. I remember how it started, that relationship between you and him. Do you remember? You, texting him in the middle of the night, saying that you’d go to the homecoming dance with him? Of your own will?” I was being unusually sarcastic at that moment, possibly due to my lack of sleep, but she decided to pay it no mind.
“You might have had some hand in it, but does that really matter right now?”
“I feel responsible for what you’re going through.”
“Well, you shouldn’t. You didn’t know what you were doing. Let me handle it.”
“By betting on a division 2 team.”
“Oh, are you an expert on high school basketball? I don’t recall seeing you at any of our school’s games before.” I turned back to the window.
“Are you just going to play dumb for the entire car ride, then?”
“You sound angry.” I didn’t respond.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
I didn’t have the courage to tell her why it frustrated me. To confess to someone, then stand idly by as she put herself on the line as a prize for a basketball game... was that not something to be upset about? Of course I was upset. She was laughing in the face of my feelings for her.
“So what’s your plan then? Are you going to hack him and injure him before the game starts?”
“Is that a suggestion?”
“Of course not. I’m hoping for a fair and fun game.” She was lying, obviously. She wanted me to hack him. I could tell just by how much she enjoyed goading me.
“I don’t know if I’m going to do anything yet. I’m just going to show up and watch the game.”
“That’s unfortunate. I didn’t actually want to date Ben, but it seems like my only hope has been dashed. Poor me.”
“Yeah, right. You’re the one who made the bet. You’re probably going to have Lawrence throw the game anyway.”
“No, I haven’t contacted him at all since then. Besides, he wouldn’t do it. He cares too much about the homecoming dance.”
“So what, you made the bet and hoped I’d come to your rescue?”
“Oh, but I thought guys liked clichés like that. Showing up at the last minute and saving the heroine from trouble.”
“I’m not going to use my powers for something like that.”
“And yet you’d use them just to communicate something you could have easily sent over text. Frankly Tristan, I’m not sure if you even have any morals. I think you’re just a coward.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I shouldn’t have done that. But it’s not that I don’t have any morals. It’s just that there are things I wouldn’t mind throwing them away for.”
“Like to save the girl you love?”
“Maybe, but only if she were someone capable of love.”
She held down the brakes with such sudden ferocity that I would’ve been flung forward had I not been wearing my seat belt.
“Stop sign.”
She pointed at the red road sign to our right, then switched back to the gas pedal and allowed the car to continue forward.
“Was that on purpose?”
“Of course not.”
It totally was, but I decided not to pursue it.
“What do you mean by that, exactly? Am I someone who is incapable of love?” I couldn’t tell if she was asking genuinely or simply probing me for a response. Regardless of what her true thoughts were however, her question required some level of concentration to respond to, so I ended up pausing for a moment.
“At first when I hacked you, I thought the things I felt toward other people were just like, a dreamy version of my own feelings. I felt disgust for all of the guys who texted you, and I felt a lot of disgust towards myself too. Even when we found out that those feelings were yours, it still felt extremely vague to me. Like, it was as if I was only experiencing a small fraction of your emotions. And yet, when I hacked your mom, the feelings I felt for you were so indescribably powerful and complex that it put everything into perspective.”
She stayed silent, with her focus completely on the road.
“There’s something abnormal about you. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I don’t think you’re someone who’s capable of love. I don’t think you know how it feels for yourself. Isn’t that why you keep looking at people like Lawrence in secret? Because the only way you can experience it is from the outside?”
“Are you trying to psychoanalyze me right now?”
“No, that’s honestly what it felt like. Even if I spend the next year of high school by your side, I don’t think anything about us would change. It was that kind of feeling.”
There was a brief pause. Her expression hadn’t changed, but she felt different somehow.
“You know Tristan, even if that were the case, that doesn’t make me this unfeeling, inhuman thing that you seem to be hinting at. I’m still a girl, and I still have the urges that normal girls have.”
The sound of the car accelerating gradually increased, as I felt the chair slowly sucking me in.
“Love aside, I’m still curious about how that kind of thing feels.”
I gulped.
“That kind of thing?”
“For example, when we slept in the same bed together... If you made a move that night, I don’t think I would have stopped you.”
I felt my lower half stiffening. It was embarrassing, but understandable. Of course it was. This girl was everything I’d ever wanted. The knowledge that I could’ve been with her right then and there was extremely arousing to me. I didn’t want it to be, but I couldn’t help it.
“What I’m trying to say is, my supposed lack of romantic feelings don’t matter. If I’m not going to have those physical experiences with you, then it’s going to be with someone else.”
“Like Ben?” She didn’t answer. She simply continued pressing her foot down on the gas and swerving through the streets, ignoring every stop sign that she could.
“Stop it. This isn’t about sex. It’s not... It’s about Dream Paralysis. That’s the only reason you started talking to me. I’m not dumb, I see right through you. You’re just trying to pull me back in because just want this power.”
“Sorry to burst your bubble, but it is about sex. This whole thing’s always been about sex. It’s true that I approached you because of your powers, but those powers of yours made you attractive to me. They allowed me to perceive the ‘you’ before me in a new light. Every guy has something that makes him stand out. Whether its money, humor, or fame, even boring, average men can stand above the masses to other people. Your ‘something’ just happens to be those powers.”
She reached down to unwrap some chewing gum that she had stowed away in her bag pocket and then tossed it into her mouth, then placed her hand back on the steering wheel.
“But let’s flip the question back on you. What was it about me that attracted you? My great personality? My good grades? My club work? No, you didn’t know the first thing about me until you started hacking me, right? So what was it? Go on, tell me. Was it really that pure, innocent love you’re speaking so highly of, or was it something else?”
I didn’t answer her.
“Exactly. It’s all that matters.. Who cares about love, Tristan? That stuff’s for the birds. Only an idealist would subscribe to that kind of thing as an adult. Just think about it. What exactly is the common denominator in everything that’s happened? What motivated us to get involved with one another? Why is Ben going to play a pointless homecoming match like it’s the most important game of his life today? Why does the Law continue to ruin his otherwise perfect reputation? What is it about Ben that Gwen continues to go back to even though he raised his hand against her? It’s not love. You’re a fool if you believe that it’s love. It’s all about sex. Who cares if the girl you love will never love you back? What matters at the end of the day is whether the two of you get to experience that single, divine pleasure together; the one that defines all of human existence.”
She was relentless in her phrasing. I had been bashed over the head with a romantic philosophy so shallow, so hedonistic, that it made me sick to my stomach. And despite how sickening it was to even utter what she had just uttered, how grossly underhanded it was to boil all romantic connections between humans down to sex, I couldn’t deny it. Because even then, despite knowing that she was only interested in using me for my power, the cinnamon scent that followed her everywhere she went was still as hypnotizing as ever. I wanted to make her mine.
Her foot eased up on the gas as we arrived a few blocks away from the school, and she eventually slowed the car to a stop.
“So, what are you going to do?”
“Does it matter? No matter who wins today, whether it’s me or Benjamin, you’re going to get your precious sex either way.”
“That’s true. I can hardly wait.”
She laughed as if I had said something funny. I could feel my face tighten, and her expression eased up when she saw the kind of face I was making.
“Why are you taking it so personally? You’re the one who rejected me, right? If anything, I should be the one hurting here.”
She knew how to press every button I had. She made me feel guilty for not wanting to torture myself in a loveless romance. She was a relentless sadist. And yet, I still couldn’t get over how casually beautiful she was as she played me for a fool. I put the sunglasses back on and stepped out of the car.
“Do you have Gwen’s number?”
She hesitated for a second at the sudden change in topic, but only for a moment.
“Yeah. Here, I’ll text it to you.”
She unlocked her phone and tapped a few things, then put the phone down. I received a message immediately after.
“Are you sure that’s the route you want to go down?”
She must’ve been talking about getting involved directly. With my power, there’s no doubt that I could find a way to solve this on my own. It’s a power as good as my imagination is. But despite what she said to me, I still had my own hang ups about using it so freely. Besides, there was another good reason to approach it from this angle.
“You have Lawrence, right? I need my own insurance.”
That day, when she took the time to show me the intricacies of her life, the way she treated people like pieces on a chessboard, I finally began to understand how she got to where she is now. Using her position of power to slowly gain control over others in the way that she did. The way she views human beings is transactional in nature. There is no assuming good will in others. She offers something to them in order to gain control over them later.
If I was going to enter this battlefield, then I would need my own pieces on the board. It’s only fair if I want to be someone who’s deserving of her. Thinking that, I sent a text message to Gwen.