Lance, wearing his signature Beanie to school for hat day, invited me, wearing a plain gray baseball cap, to the music room that morning to hang out. I suppose it was his way of getting my mind off Zoey since I said I’d given up on her yesterday. It’s ironic how my lie back then became reality. Perhaps this was just karma for deceiving my friend.

Outside of the two of us, James Rivas was also present in the room. Wearing a stylish black top hat and sunglasses combo, he stared down at his guitar while trying a few chords. His long, black hair, coupled with his down-to-earth demeanor, really helped him fit the stereotype of a mellowed-out Rockstar.

“Dude. Lance, bro. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. Like, I’m seriously thinking about my future right now. And I’ve come to a conclusion. The conclusion that I’m at a loss as for what to do.”

He strummed a slow, melancholic tune after uttering those words. Mechanical notes escaped through the amp that was plugged into his instrument. He played for about ten seconds before stopping to continue speaking.

“I don’t know where I’m going to end up once I graduate. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. My parents want me to go to college, but there’s nothing I really want to study, and I don’t want to spend my life paying back a loan for something I don’t care about.”

Once done speaking, he continued his strumming for a few more seconds then stopped.

“My grades aren’t good enough to just coast through college into a law or medicine degree. I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life programming in a code factory. In the first place, I’m not all that good with computers. I’ve thought about maybe starting a YouTube or Twitch career, but those are too big of a gamble. I can’t even sell my nudes on Onlyfans because I’m not an attractive woman. So what, then? Where does that leave me? I could work a dead-end job somewhere for the rest of my life? Yeah, right.”

His playing slowed down even more. His mellowness was infectious. I could already kind of understand his plight as someone in a similar situation, but his playing had cast a new light over it.

“All I have is rock… This is the only thing I’m kind of good at. And as much as I love rock, the truth is, this genre really isn’t what it used to be… The mainstream has been moving past us for a long time now. Sure, older bands are coming back again and making waves, but they’re just riding on nostalgia. There’s no telling if they’ll hit the highs of the past just based on that alone. And even if it does help the genre, would I even make it…? Can I start a band that has the skill to reach the hearts and souls of millions? Do I even deserve to stand next to the tortured icons whose painful lives created such beautiful art?”

His strumming this time was lifeless.

“I’ve done a lot of soul searching, Lance. I’ve been agonizing over this. I’ve thought about it again and again. What I should be doing right now, and where I want to end up in the future. I’ve cried and anguished over this shit. Played my guitar til my hands cried burning red tears of remorse. But you know what? I’ve finally decided on what I’m gonna do.”

He struck a powerful pose and hit a more energetic chord.

“I’m gonna rock on.”

He began strumming.

“Even if I don’t know what’s gonna happen after I graduate, I’ve decided that I don’t give a fuck anymore. Not about what my parents think, or what society thinks, or even what you guys think. No, that’s a lie. I care. Of course I care. I’m a human fucking being with blood coursing through my goddamn veins. And I’ll admit it, this shit weighs down on me every day. What if I fail? What if no one likes my music? What if I can’t support myself before we start to take off?”

He kicked a symbol and continued strumming with so much passion that beads of sweat splashed all over the room.

“But I love rock so fucking much that I’m gonna start a goddamned band anyway! I’d rather keel over and die than give up this love, man! Music is my oxygen, and rock n’ roll is my blood. It’s what keeps me going through all the bullshit. So who cares about all that “I don’t know what’s gonna happen” shit? I don’t wanna die without trying my hardest to live my dreams, so I’m gonna try my fucking hardest, man! Rock n’ Roll is never gonna die, motherfuckers!”

After yelling with so much force that I thought his lungs were going to explode, he rocked his head forward and began his guitar solo. The mechanical roar of the instrument filled the room with a rhythm that almost beckoned excitement from your body. The passion exuded from his playing was contagious. The sight of his dexterous fingers ripping through the wires to play such an impressive sequence of notes were genuinely jaw-dropping. If someone from our school were going to make it as a musician, I’d put my money on James. His passion and skill are unmatched.

But for someone like me, who doesn’t have a single passionate bone in his body, I couldn’t help but feel envious. The only thing I’ve been passionate about was completely incompatible with me, leaving me just a shell of my former self. I couldn’t help but wonder what the emotions going through him at that moment felt like. The desire to hack him was honestly overwhelming me. But it was not only impossible since the setup time was too long, but I had also decided to no longer use that power.

I’m not going to hack anyone. That’s what I told Zoey. It’s immoral. It’s a breach of consent, bodily autonomy, and just all-around trust. In the entirety of human history, there might not be a power more terrifying than this one. That was what she said to me yesterday. But the taste of emotions I’d been assailed by last night left me curious. To experience the world the way others see it was confusing and scary, but a small part of me wanted to indulge in it again.

The passionless me wanted a taste of passion.

The pessimistic me wanted a taste of optimism.

The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

The compliant me wanted a taste of rebellion.

James’s guitar solo left me grappling with these complicated emotions. As he winded down his playing, Lance’s clapping almost took over and filled the room.

“Wow, that touched me. Your music really touched me. Oh my god man, you might really be able to pull it off.”

James, with his sweaty bangs hanging over his face, threw up the “rock on” sign with his left hand. Though he was still panting from having put his all into that performance, he flashed Lance a smile.

“Thanks man,” he said as the two of them fist bumped over the performance.

I couldn’t help but feel like a third wheel in the interaction, but that’s just par for the course with Lance’s friends. They all have a bit of a screw loose. Completely obsessed with only one thing in particular. For all of Lance’s obsessions with Dota, he is able to hold his ground with a wide variety of people. With the mood I was in that day though, there was no way I had the energy to grapple with any of those eccentrics.

“Mom’s home!”

On the topic of eccentrics, Naomi busted through the door to the music room with a wide grin on her face. She seemed extremely pleased with herself for some odd reason, despite having interrupted the bonding atmosphere in the room.

“Hey moron.”

“Hey Naomi! What’s up!”

The two of them greeted her as amicably as they normally would, but I elected to ignore her and stare out of the window instead. I couldn’t imagine that she was particularly interested in me anyway. I was merely passing the time until classes began for the day. But for some reason, her footsteps only got closer and closer.

“Hey, you.” I turned around and found her standing right next to me with a stern expression on her face.

“Huh? Oh, what’s up?”

“What did you talk to Zoey about on Tuesday?”

“Huh?” Lance and James both reacted to the sudden question. She walked in with seemingly a single-minded agenda, and came out with this.

“You know that Benny Ben’s really upset that she broke up with him, right? If it’s your fault then I don’t know what he’s gonna do to you.”

It appeared that Ben had approached her concerning what I said yesterday. Whatever happened, it didn’t look like he had anything solid or else Naomi would’ve been asking a completely different set of questions.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t convince her to break up with him. We just chatted.”

“About what?”

“Pre-calc.”

“Pre... what? You’re not taking pre-calc, are you?”

“What? No. Look, none of this matters. I don’t even care about Zoey anymore.”

Naomi’s expression melted into surprise.

“What?”

“Yeah, he told me yesterday.” After he uttered those words, Lance walked over to the two of us and took a seat. “I think he’s finally come to his senses that she’s nothing but trouble. Seriously, look at what’s happened since you made that move on her.”

“I didn’t make any move… I just talked to her.”

Naomi took a seat while heaving a heavy sigh, as if she was finally releasing a bunch of tension she had stored in her lungs.

“Well, that’s just how it goes, I guess. It’s probably for the best. There are tons of nice girls at our school Tristan. You don’t need to get hung up on someone like Zoey just because she’s cute and popular.”

“Yeah.”

“In fact, why don’t I introduce you to someone from the volleyball team? I can think of one or two girls who might be your type.”

“No, don’t worry about it. I don’t want to think about that stuff right now.”

Their expressions grew dark. It’s easy to understand why they would want to cheer me up in such a situation. Between Ben sharking around for the scent of blood and me giving up on the only girl I’ve liked for the entirety of my high school career, it only makes sense that they’d feel bad for me.

The strum of an electric guitar suddenly filled the room.

“Tristaaaan! Who said you could give up, dude?!”

Naomi and Lance both turned their heads to find James standing on top of the teacher’s desk, his finger pointed straight at me.

“You think you can give up on those emotions just because you hit a little road bump? You’re taking the easy way out! You think love is that easy to come by?!”

He strummed another chord.

“You’re mistaken. My crush on Zoey wasn’t love. I’ve never been in love before.”

“Huh?” The one who spoke up was Lance. “But you just told me recently that…”

“You know, the other day my dad told me about how him and my mom started going out. That caused me to reflect on a lot of things. When I think about their relationship, I don’t think you experience love like that just by admiring someone from afar. What I’m feeling isn’t love, it’s just infatuation. I’m in love not with Zoey, but some idealized version of her that lives in my head. The real Zoey, the one that exists in the real world, is just a stranger to me. I don’t know her. I was just getting ahead of myself because she’s kinda cute, that’s all.”

Though I said the words, the truth is, she wasn’t a stranger anymore. I had already seen the real Zoey. She had spoken to me about all her deepest darkest secrets, and I had also been inside of her head. There isn’t a single emotion reflecting any sort of romance towards me or anyone else in there. I don’t even think she’s capable of it. To put my everything on the line for someone like that, to declare that I loved her, was nothing but a child’s fantasy.

“That’s a boring way to live your life.”

James strummed at his guitar once more.

“If you’re gonna give up just because of something like that, then I’m sorry, but you’re just a coward. If you want something in life, then fight for it. ‘Cuz I guarantee you... If I hit you over the head with this guitar and murdered you right this second, the last thought going through that shitty brain of yours before you clock out would be ‘fuck, I should have tried to go out with Zoey’. Am I wrong or what?”

“Geez, chill out man.”

“Shut up, Lance! I’m talking to him!” He played a guitar riff that was so violent, that its only possible intended purpose was to silence any opposition in the room.

“If you want the kind love that your parents have, then fucking fight for it! It’s a powerful feeling, man. The entire music industry is built on our conception of love. It’s a fundamental part of the human experience. Are you really gonna deprive yourself of something so beautiful just because you’re scared? You’re never gonna live at this rate.”

His words forced me to my feet.

“I’m leaving.” I slung my backpack over my shoulders and walked toward the door.

“Tristan, dude.”

Lance called at my back, but I didn’t stop. “I’ll see you at lunch, Lance.” I waved at him as I began to open the door. “Hey James.”

“What?”

“Get a real job.”

I slammed the door in a fit of anger.