---=Chapter 55: What's In The Bag?---=

I was unbelievably drained. Moving hurt. Not my body; it hurt my soul, my mind.

I wanted to just lay there, curled up in a fetal position on the ground, as the unending pain, solitude, and death piled on top of me, crushing my will to keep trying.

I'd failed with Jessica. Who knew what had happened to her after I disappeared. Even if she survived, she'd most likely forgotten our shared moment of companionship when time looped. Worse, if she didn't forget, the lingering memories that made her feel safe around me might have been destroyed by Crowdent's attack. Any lingering trust would no doubt be smothered by a note about my exile. I was unlikely to be welcomed by anyone in their group today.

Alice and Jessica needed my shadow to avoid becoming part of Crowseph's flock. But I didn't want to move. I'd made little enough difference as it was.

I'd doubly failed with Jon. He hadn't believed I was Sam, even with multiple people insisting that I wasn't like the other monsters running around and a comic revealing my identity.

The comic was gone. I hadn't prioritized making sure it would survive the loop. Which was incredibly stupid. I could only blame the surreal nature of time loops. And probably stress. Either way, the comic was gone until I could get a copy from the island ship. Alice no doubt left herself a note about not trusting me, which meant Jon was further out of reach than ever.

It had seemed so... attainable before. I thought I just needed a chance. I thought he'd read the comic or Alice would say something, and he'd look at me in doubt. Then he'd walk closer and look at my eyes or something, and it'd be an 'oh, there you are' moment, like when the Lost Boys recognized Robin Williams as Peter Pan in the movie Hook. Too much had happened, or not enough. He couldn't accept his friend had become a monster; he wasn't willing to see his childhood friend in my eyes.

And...I couldn't blame him.

I was losing myself. I didn't want to admit it, to acknowledge it.

I had taken a gun and mercilessly assaulted people based on a suspicion made in ignorance. Steve's death might have been temporary, but I knew firsthand how those traumas carried over. Steve and Larry hadn't deserved the trauma and violence I'd inflicted.

It was barely a few days ago, loops ago, I was lamenting how quickly I'd abandoned my pacifism in the face of monsters. Pain and fear had made the violence seem like the only way forward, and I was wrong.

Hands had asked if I was sure I was Sam. Jon had refused to believe I was Sam. I was already so far from the person I'd been that it felt like both had a point. Even asking people to call me Sam, some refused, and others quickly reverted to calling me Oberon, as though they were more used to that name. I was missing more than two months of memories in which I apparently preferred people to call me Oberon.

The cold floor was hard beneath me and far from comfortable, but adjusting my position felt pointless.

I needed those memories, and that was the least of the reasons I needed to find the shadow. But I couldn't muster the energy to move. It all seemed so insurmountable. I kept failing, I was out of ideas, and I was just so tired of dying alone and suffering over and over.

The idea of getting up off the floor felt impossible. Even considering it made my thoughts feel like fire. I reached over to my backpack and managed to snag a strap. I dragged it over and pulled out a book and bag of chips, wanting to shut out the realities of the world.

Hands was out for himself and his own people. For a moment there, I thought he could be an ally. He'd offered up answers, even if it was mostly to clear his own name and avoid future battles with me. But he'd made it clear he didn't care about helping anyone else. He'd also readily attack or kill me if I got between him and his goals.

Hands, with more support, resources, and knowledge, was far more likely to find the shadow of the two of us. At which point, any hope of restoring my memories or body would vanish, as would my best bet for helping Jessica and Alice. It was also the only hint of an escape I'd come across, not that I was sure there was much point in leaving a time loop for a broken world. I couldn't imagine life was much better outside the vortexes. Presumably, the same dangers existed out there, along with whatever else the world-enders had in their arsenal.

So many people were depending on me and didn't even know it. If my shadow was the single-use escape hatch that Hands believed, an entire city needed it if they wanted out of this time-loop hell. I worried that might also be why Sori was after it. I didn't want the responsibility of safeguarding it. I wasn't smart enough, wise enough, to know the right thing to do.

I had never fully trusted Sori, but not because I thought he was malicious. If anything, I'd thought he had the innocence of insanity but was largely harmless. I still wasn't sure he was malicious, but he was far more cold and calculating than I'd assumed. He may not have caused the apocalypse, but I was less sure of that than before. From what I'd seen from him, I didn't think he'd be bothered by it anyway.

My allies were gone or untrustworthy, my friend was out of reach, and my enemies were so far beyond me, that I only barely recognized the danger.

I was isolated from everyone near me, isolated from who I used to be and wanted to be. I felt adrift and hollow.

The chips tasted wrong. They got stuck between my teeth and tasted less flavorful than they should.

Just another thing separating me from my past, I thought.

The book had been a comfort read for me in the past, but I couldn't focus on it. I looked in my bag for something else to distract myself, but it was all pointless shit. I hadn't taken the end of the world seriously. I'd barely even tried.

I pulled my things out faster and more violently as I went, not even looking as I whipped one item after another from my bag and against the wall in frustration. Snack bags burst, books tore, pencils snapped, and fidget toys shattered as I rage-emptied my bag, looking for anything with any point.

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The noise I made must have attracted Slender Hopper because I heard its body leaping into a wall with a thud that echoed my tantrum.

Fine. Fine. Fine, I thought grumpily as I stood up. I whipped the door open and glared at the creature, anger in my eyes, empty bag still in my hand. Fine.

The ones who didn't need me were the only ones I could maybe help. And if I was wrong, I'd just start over, and it wouldn't matter. None of it mattered because there was nothing I could do about it. I'd told myself this lie before. I willed myself to believe it anyway.

Slender hopper was just outside the door, inches from my face, and I barely dodged out of the way when it leaped at me.

I didn't hesitate after dodging out of the way; hunched over, I followed it, empty bag in hand, bat forgotten on the floor behind me.

Slender Hopper saw me coming and immediately jumped at my face. If I'd flinched, it might have torn me apart, but I was too emotionally wrecked to rear back in surprise. Instead, I held the open bag before me, catching it mid-leap, front legs, and most of its body.

The bag wasn't small, but it still couldn't fit the whole bug. Still, it covered its maw and gave me a chance to stuff most of it inside. Its back legs were more out than in, but I could hold the bag out to keep it from being able to slice me with its back legs. Its forelimbs weren't as strong as its back legs and couldn't burst through the bag. Its mouth could absolutely chew through the bag, so I'd have to make sure it couldn't get a good mouthful.

I only needed to keep it secured for a short while, just long enough to make it to the gremlins.

Slender Hopper thrashed around as I held him at arm's length like a stinky diaper or ticking bomb. Inside, I still hurt. I was still just distracting myself. I was still as afraid to try again as before. Even if it was stupid and pointless, it was the only thing they'd asked of me, and I needed a breath of their carefree lives.

As I passed, I couldn't help but notice that Tickles was still missing. Maybe it had started leaping into the vortex to escape since no one was around to attack. Or Maybe Jon's group knew how to permanently kill 'demons.'

That was a scary thought, considering they barely seemed to distinguish me from the mindless creatures running around. It made me worry about Husband and Wife.

It occurred to me that Husband was probably out foraging; it might just be Wife around. Not that I could really tell them apart. They looked very similar to each other. Husband had briefly been bigger than Wife, but for all I knew, Wife could grow as well.

Part of the fun of the Gremlins was watching them interact and play off each other, so I was a little disappointed. Or I would have been if only one had been around. When I got close, however, three silhouettes were outside the makeshift hut, all sitting in the dirt. My brow furrowed, and I squinted to make out details. The largest of the three didn't look the same. It had horns, a hunched back, a bright green aura, and human-looking hair.

My uncertainty brought me to a stop halfway across the lot to their hut. Slender Hopper took my momentary pause to renew its efforts at escape.

The horned head whipped around, and green eyes flashed, reflecting light like a cat's. The movement changed the shape of the hunched back, and I realized it wasn't a hunched-back creature; it was a winged Nia.

My mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Hmm, what? A noise?" Husband said in a rumbling voice, looking up.

"Oberon!" Wife said. It might have been the other way around. They also sounded very similar, both speaking English with deep thrumming voices, even if they spoke to each other in chittering chirps.

"Hi, Sam, umm, Oberon," Nia said shyly. "What's in the bag?"

"What friend Oberon have?" Husband asked

"Oberon bring baby for Wife?! Wife is Mother!" Wife said, hopping up and down before erupting into a giant form.

"Husband, Father!" Husband celebrated, his form expanding to match Wife at more than twice my height.

"Oh, crap!" Nia said, scrambling to her feet.

"Hush hush, Titania. Is new child friend! New family!" Wife–or 'Mother' I supposed— said, patting the air in Nia's direction.

"We Mother, Father, and Baby!"

I was still trying to get Slender Hopper under control and hadn't managed to really react yet. As the Gremlins shot up in size, the trapped bug monster seemed to sense it and began to thrash even harder. One of its free legs whipped toward me farther than it had managed so far, and its bladed leg sliced my arm unexpectedly. It didn't manage to do any real damage before I pulled my arm away, but I'd dropped one side of the bag on instinct.

Slender Hopper pulled itself free of its bag and crouched to leap, but the Gremlins tackled it.

I cringed, expecting to see bug guts when they got up. Instead, they wrestled between themselves for a second until they moved aside. Mother held Slender Hopper in two hands like she was holding a … uh, shake weight. Then, before I could gag, she shoved the entire bug into its mouth and swallowed.

'Mother' patted her stomach. "Baby Hopper Yay!"

"Good friend Oberon! Thank, good friend!" Father said.

Nia stood with her mouth open, looking between the three of us. "What just happened?"

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