---=Chapter 28: It Was Barely Self-Serving At All---=

I walked back into the surgery wing. My backpack and bat had been left where I collapsed in the hall, and I decided to collect them before I returned to the rear lobby to face Nia and the rest. I needed time to think.

Alice and Jessica were dead. Soon they wouldn't be human or individuals unless I could find a way to interrupt a transformation I didn't really understand.

Sori, how much of what Crowseph said was true?

"Oooo, you all said a lot of words... I might have zoned out. Can you be more specific?" Sori said, sounding embarrassed.

Jesus, you're exhausting.

"My name is Sori, Soooorriii-"

Not the time. Let's start with what Crowseph said about the monsters like Tickles and Slender Hopper, are they really caused by human trauma?

"Hmm, sounds dubious. Like the superstition that causes have effects."

Causes DO have effects.

"They do? And you're sure that's not just what your parents told you so you'd give them credit when Santa delivered presents? Well, maybe it's true then."

I don't understand how that would even work. How does the world end so badly that nightmares take on life and flesh?

"Oh, that's easy. It's the crystals. They remember being living things, so when the day loops, they go back to being alive."

So then, Alice and Jessica, they'll end up spawning two new 'trauma monsters?'

"I think Crowseph called them 'trauma demons'"

I don't like the religious connotations.

"Sure, sure, pick and choose what you believe," Sori said with perfect sincerity.

Whatever they're called, I thought with some exasperation, will they turn them into crows? Somehow that seems too far-fetched.

"Far-fetched how? People often become their traumas, don't they? Abusers were abused, as they say."

That's a far cry from becoming a bird because birds attacked you.

"Says the wolf man."

Are you suggesting I was attacked by a wolf and turned into a werewolf?

"That's how werewolves are made in the movies, isn't it? Then again, you've always been weird. To answer your question, I don't think Crowseph was lying."

And if I found the shadow everyone is going on about, I'd be able to do something about it?

Sori's bird head nodded. "Of course. You'd just throw away the problematic trauma, and the trash collectors would do the rest. Assuming you can fix them, which I am."

And this isn't you just trying to get me to go on your bizarre quest.

"Of course not! It's just a happy coincidence." Sori said, sounding pleased.

I sighed. Any idea where I should go looking?

"Did you check where you saw it last?"

Saw what? My 'shadow?' The only shadow I know about, I still have.

"You are so naive. I can't believe you didn't use a single glamour on Crowseph."

You literally laughed at my one attempt and told me I wasn't ready.

"You're lucky I found that empty bird just sitting around. You never even said thank you!"

The eldritch-possessed bird was right; I hadn't. I patted the bird lightly on the head and pet his feathers gently. You're right. You saved me like three times over. I did not want to fight that uber-crow.

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Sori snorted. "What fight? They'd have smeared you across the floor."

Well, thank you for all the help, even if we both know it's only so I'll fix the trash collectors.

"Ah, but now we both want you to fix the trash collectors. That means it was barely self-serving at all!"

I suppose. Not that it comes close to making up for your part in ending the world.

"This again! What part of this world is ended? If anything, I saved the world. Death is almost impossible at this point."

I don't think Alice and Jessica feel saved, but whatever, let's get back on topic.

"Right. Your abysmal illusion magic. If you don't practice, you won't get any better."

I meant my 'shadow.' I don't even know what it actually is or what it looks like. In other words, I don't know how to find it or even where to look. Even if I find it, what do I do next?

"Sam. It's your shadow. You just have to walk into it and claim it. Worst case scenario, you have to clean out some squatters."

Squatters?

"Well, somebody is using your shadow. One look at Maebe should have been enough to tell you that."

What about Maebe?

"Come on, Sam. She's got no aura. That doesn't just happen; people are supposed to glow green. We've been over this. If you know of some way to take someone's mind without a trash collector, I'd love to hear it."

I didn't answer Sori immediately. I had always been critical of the idea that the world or people were meant to be a certain way. I always believed we could and should be whatever we wanted so long as we weren't hurting others. Still, even that liberal ideology relied on assumptions about the world that no longer held true.

Being human had always meant walking blindly through life. Only through generations of trial and error did we discover some truths that could be tested and verified. Before that, everything was guesswork.

Now, here we were in the dark again, and all the things we used to know were now called into question. Everything would need to be proved again. Everything could be reasonably doubted.

I had no solid ground. For maybe the first time in my life, I understood why people believed in gods. Religions were a starting point. They gave the world a shape, even when it was all bullshit. Until you have beliefs to question, it's hard to know what questions to ask. Then again, maybe I was just an idiot.

I stopped in the break room before walking back to the lobby. Nia's group had no weapons, so I borrowed Anderson's golf bag and slung it over my shoulder. It was a bit awkward since I also wore a backpack, but I wasn't taking it far.

I was procrastinating. Crowseph had already delivered Alice and Jessica them, so they knew already that I'd failed. I knew the day would loop, and they'd be back, but that didn't diminish the pain they'd be feeling right now. I wasn't eager to see more of that.

So, I finally responded. If I can figure out how Maebe ended up catatonic, I'll find the trash collectors.

"That would make sense."

Can't you just tell me who has it? You seem to be able to see the crows even when we were on that stone ship.

"Oh yeah, forget about private moments; I can see them all," Sori said brightly.

So, can you find my shadow then?

"Nope, Sorry. You and your shadow really don't like to be seen. I barely found you. Your shadow is practically invisible."

You aren't being very helpful. I thought you wanted me to fix the trash collectors. Doesn't that mean finding my shadow?

"Well yeah, but what would I need you for if I could find them?"

To fix them?

"Right. That's also true." Sori said thoughtfully. Then the bird ruffled its feathers in a shrug. "Two things can both be true, Sam." He said as though disappointed I'd asked such a question.

Got it, I said, feeling annoyed. I basically need to luck into it. That's great. You can't narrow it down for me at all? Forest Lake isn't that small.

"Umm, it's somewhere you died? After all, it's your shadow. It's not like someone else can move it around."

"Any idea if I've left the hospital area since the vortex came down?"

"Not that I saw, but you do not like to be seen most of the time."

I wasn't too surprised. I remembered that Sori had mentioned having difficulty spying on me like he did the rest of Forest Lake. Still, there was enough danger in my immediate vicinity that my shadow was probably nearby. I was pretty sure Crowseph didn't have it, if for no other reason than they'd played it so cautious. Hands had been the first to tell me about my shadow, but he'd also been less careful than Crowseph, not to mention secretly the dolphin—or so Sori claimed. Either way, I was less sure that Hands didn't have it. Even if he didn't have it last time we spoke, he had a head start on looking for it and might have found it.

At the same time, if Hands was a dolphin and the shadow could only be moved by me—both dubious facts according to Sori—his ability to use it would be limited. Then again, Hands had goons to take out the trash for him. Crowseph seemed to want my shadow to eliminate a threat to itself more than anything. Though I had no doubt the murderous bird man would use it as ruthlessly as anyone else, Crowseph had his own way of permanently removing enemies. Hands's motivations were less obvious, but I wasn't sure they needed to be more complicated than power-seeking. In this environment, I couldn't blame him, but he also didn't seem like he'd be magnanimous about its use. Still, if it came down to it, I could just go ask him. I'd been drugged and hooded on my way to him, but the only pool in the hospital was for physical therapy, so he wouldn't exactly be hard to find.

I need to get back to the lobby before Nia, Anderson, and Denis leave.

"Before you do that, we should review your emotional glamour again. You've only got two shield buttons left, after all. I can't just hand those out willy-nilly. They attract too much attention."

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