--=-Chapter 23: Never Teach a Dolphin Illusion Magic.--=-

"You scheduled the apocalypse," I asked, my voice flat.

"I'm just the secretary! it's not my fault, probably!" The eye insisted dramatically. It pulled itself free from its columns of cloud and sea; arcs of electricity discharging into the air, it flew further away from me. "Don't glare at me like that. I barely remember it; maybe it wasn't me at all. It could have been someone else with a deep understanding of schedules and logistics. Wait. Do you think this makes me an angel?"

"How do you not know what you are?"

"Duh, now who's the one with memory problems?" The eye said, floating back down closer to the ship. This was too weird. Everything kept being too weird. Maybe it was time to stop thinking I had any idea what to expect next.

"You're a bit too mouthy to be an angel. And too stupid." I told the eye.

"Then, if one of the horsemen of the apocalypse was flighty and forgetful, which one do you think it would be?"

"You're not a horseman of the apocalypse."

"How do you know?"

"Well, for one, you're not a horseman—or even humanoid." I found myself grinning unexpectedly. The eye definitely reminded me of Jon when he was a freshman. 90% of our conversations had also been nonsense banter.

If this thing had destroyed the world, I wasn't getting the impression it could really be called responsible. Not that delusion or confusion got it off the hook, but it wasn't like I had any way to contain or punish it for its potential crimes. I didn't even know what it was. I doubted it was god's secretary—let alone of the Four Horsemen—and told the eye as much. "At most, you're god's Siri."

"Oooh, See-er-ee" That's fun to say.

"You should practice saying sorry instead. In fact, you wanted a name. I dub thee 'Sori' because you should be, and at least, now you'll say it sometimes."

"You're trying to get me to say I'm sorry, but I'm just the scheduler, right? I didn't bulldoze your planet."

"No… that's a different apocalypse."

"Exactly, I just added you to a list; I didn't make the list. Come on, do I look like a world-ending apocalypse beast to you?" The giant floating silver eye asked without a mouth.

"First off, adding things to a list is exactly how a list gets made. Second, yeah, you kind of do. Then again, what do I know? I don't even understand how I got here, except that you're right. Something about this place does feel like mine. Did I really bring you here?"

"Well..." Sori hedged. " I guess I might have helped. I did sequester you, after all. I just didn't realize that your mind had other connections, so my quarantine kind of failed."

"See, it's stuff like that that makes me distrust you. That sounds like you know exactly what's going on." I told Sori.

"What kind of secretary doesn't know quarantine procedure? Listen to yourself!" Sori objected.

"And why was I quarantined?"

"Did... did you not notice the blue glow? Man, that's not normal? Everybody else is green. I'd say you stick out like a swore thumb, except I only ever catch glimpses of you out of the corner of my eye."

Sori demonstrated by twisting all about as though searching for something.

"Well, who's fault was that? Before the apocalypse, I was just a normal non-glowing person."

"Normal people glow green. No wonder you're blue."

"Yeah, that's all pretty new."

"Oh, Sam, you are so wrong," the orb said disappointedly. "You are one of the only non-green things in all of existence. I think that makes you the devil."

"What are you talking about? You're not green."

"I'm a mirror, Sam. Mirrors are all green; it's called science. But they also reveal what you are, which is to say, you're blue and not-green."

"What makes green so much better?"

"Well, now you're just being irrational," Sori said while looking back and forth like it was a head shaking in disappointment.

I couldn't help but laugh. If this thing ended up being an alien mastermind deftly manipulating me into trusting it, I would feel so stupid. But I honestly couldn't believe Sori understood what was going on any better than me. It wouldn't surprise me if it ended up being some alien artificial intelligence intentionally kept naive, if intelligent enough to take commands. Maybe I could use that to my advantage.

"Hey, if I asked you to stop the vortex around Forest Lake, what would you say?"

"I'd say the vortex is already lowered."

"So what, there's no going back?"

"There's never any going back." The eye said, voice dripping with drama, staring off at nothing, somehow looking forlorn.

"Okay, you're way too good at conveying emotion for an unchanging floating eyeball mirror."

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"Duh, it's called illusion. Weren't you paying attention? Hands already showed you, I couldn't see very well because Hands is so loud, but I'm sure you were there."

"hold up. You're an illusion? Am I still in the hospital?"

"Well, you are still in the hospital. But your mind is here. I told you, I sequestered your mind! I'm not an illusion—I don't think I'm an illusion—Am I an illusion, or is it just our friendship?"

"You're messing with my head?" I asked, suddenly on guard again.

"No, no, no. I mean. You know how it is when you look a little different. I just made positive association easier, but it only works because I'm exactly as cool as my illusion makes me—and twice as cool as most people think I am when they first see me. Well… I'm using the word "people" loosely there. Really it was 'person.' More specifically, it was a dolphin person. He did not like me. But he should! Right? I mean, we're best buds now!"

"I wouldn't say that." But I had to admit, it was a bit odd I could act so chummy with a mystical flying orb. It would be more surprising if he wasn't manipulating me. "Wait, I thought you said I was the first person you met? That's why I had to name you."

The eye laughed. "Of course, you don't need to name me. My name is Sori, obviously. Oh, Sam, it's like I'm talking to myself over here. Besides, Hands saw right through my illusion; he didn't want to talk to me. He just splashed me with water and swam away. It was very rude. Oh God, I hope that was water."

"Hands splashed you with water, or the dolphin did?" I asked, feeling more confused by the moment.

Sori laughed. "Hands is the dolphin. I should not have shown him how to do illusions; he took to it like a fish to water—or, I guess, like a dolphin to water. But he cheats. Never teach a dolphin illusion magic."

I thought back to the strange dolphin swimming around in that pool and how Hands had just stepped out of thin air. Maybe Hands had been turned into a dolphin the same way I'd been turned into a werewolf?

"We're definitely coming back to all of that," I said, "But you said my mind was here, and my body was still in the hospital. What happens if I die in there while my mind is here?"

"Oh, don't worry, the day will reset on schedule, and you're body will too. Not your mind, though. Curious. Why is that? Oh! You did break the trash collectors!"

"No, I haven't even seen any trash collectors-"

"Well, maybe that's how you broke them—by not paying attention. What I do know is this place is basically a junkyard. Somehow you claimed part of the dump as a domain and broke the trash collectors, then you just left that power lying around. My God, I don't think I've ever met someone so dumb. But I do have memory problems. Sam," Sori said, his voice sounding disappointed. "How do you keep forgetting that about me?"

I opened my mouth, trying to find a response to any of that. I puffed my cheeks out in a raspberry sigh. "I guess I'll try to keep my eyes open? New question. Did my body change in the real world, too, or just in this strange-ass place?"

"Sam, Sam, Sam, you're beautiful just the way you are. You'll never be a dolphin; you should give up on that now. Actually…. Wait, I might be able to make you a dolphin. But I won't. I don't want to play God."

"You literally introduced yourself to me as the one and many god. Also, I don't want to be a dolphin; I just want to know if this is real. Am I human again in the real world? Do I have a voice?"

"I can't believe you didn't capitalize the 'G'! How disrespectful!"

"What?"

"Anyway, everyone confuses themselves for capital-G God sometimes, but I don't think I'm the one that made you human. Were you not human?"

"Originally? Yes. Since the apocalypse, though, I've been a large glowing werewolf."

"That's probably what you get for breaking the trash collectors and glowing blue. You really should fix them soon."

"I don't even know what you're talking about; besides, I'm not exactly a handyman; I've never even changed a tire."

"Oh, it's so easy! You'll need to find your memories, though. Honestly, I can't believe you left them just lying around. Then you just make like Peter Pan and sew the shadow to your feet." Sori said.

It was as much nonsense as anything else Sori had said, but here again, I was hearing about a 'shadow' that was clearly no such thing. "I just have so many questions. What shadow? And what does it have to do with trash collectors? Also, are you saying I intentionally gave up memories?"

"The shadow from the Haze, which is to say, the door to this place. Well, not THE door, but certainly A door. Or actually, not so much a door as a veil, really. Now that I think about it, it's more like everything else is the veil, and your shadow is a hole to this dump." Sori said, whirling his eye around to take in the whole ship and the ethereal ocean beyond.

"Hey, I like this place."

"Of course you do, but that doesn't mean it's not the dump. We're surrounded by trash left behind by the trash collectors, and you're building yourself a home. It's very you. Anyway, the trash collectors can't clear away the rubble of yesterday so long as your shadow is leaking all over the place. That's probably why you're a monster; you're covered in yesterday's leftovers. Just one more reason to fix the trash collectors."

"Wait, you're saying if I fix the trash collectors, I'll go back to being human?"

"What do I look like, an architect? But probably."

"You definitely should have said so earlier. What do I need to do?"

"I told you, find your memories and take your shadow back. I can walk you through the rest later. Whoops, I think you're gonna need some help, though. Those crows do not like you."

"God dammit, are you just watching them kill me while I'm stuck here.'

"You brought us here."

"So you said, but I don't know how to leave."

"That will also make it hard for you to do illusion magic. Except here, I suppose, you could probably do some cool things in this place. So much junk memory that can be made into anything. It stinks tho. Why would you live in a junkyard?"

"What are you even -you know what, sure. Let's figure out a way out of this 'junkyard,' and if you want to teach me illusions, I won't say no. Besides, if I'm about to get crow-sified, I think I'd rather not be there for it."

"A crow pun? Really? That's terrible. It's also a bad idea, if technically possible. You'd have to time it perfectly. If your memories are here when your body is reinitialized, it'll create a blank Sam. I suppose you could reintegrate, but it would be copying your memories to that Sam. For him, it would be the same, but for you, it wouldn't be. I don't recommend that avenue. But it's your call."

"Well, what can you teach me quickest that might save me from being torn apart by crows?"

"Well, I can show you how to make glamours that will change how people perceive you. It's tricky, but if you can get inside their heads and figure out how to show them what they expect, you can make them treat you as a friend, easy."

--=-

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