--=-Chapter 38: I'm Just So Scared--=-

Jessica surprised me by taking my arm. Off-kilter, I let her guide me into a seat.

She surprised me again a moment later when she sat down next to me. "Sorry. We didn't want to leave you alone. Denis was a moron and injected you directly with a drug meant to be added slowly using an IV. On top of that, dosage is sensitive, and even when done right, people sometimes stop breathing. Plus, we don't know if your biology is different or just your appearance. We honestly didn't know what to expect."

Unlike Alice, she didn't seem worried about making a good impression. She was just talking to me like I imagined she did anyone. Maybe even more familiarly than she would an average patient. I couldn't help but wonder why it was different with her. Actually, she and Denis were almost polar opposites in their treatment of me.

Denis seemed afraid of me no matter what, and Jessica seemed comfortable with me no matter what. I couldn't know for sure without my lost memories, but it seemed to me that whatever lingering memories they had were affecting how they reacted to me.

Next time I spoke to Sori, I'd have to see if there was a way to reinforce those memories. Of course, he'd probably suggest eating fairy wings seasoned with dried cow shit or something stupid, but I wouldn't know unless I asked.

"Sorry, it's just getting to be a lot out there. We got the doors all locked just in time. Some things have been walking around out there trying to get in. Sometimes, they test a door a few times and move on; other times, they go mad trying to get in. Twice now, the door has begun cracking under assault. We had to open the door and let Alice and Anderson chase them off. So far, shouting and wildly hitting them with the clubs has been enough, but it's been terrifying. My nerves are shot. Nia came out wearing your backpack and holding that comic you made. She told her sister she wanted to help, that she had your supplies and guide, and she wanted to be close. Alice gave in, and I took the excuse to come back here to just breathe for a minute. I hope that's okay?" She leaned her head against my arm as she said that, and my heart clenched at the casual touch.

I could feel the moisture in my eyes and glanced away to wipe them with the back of my hand. I hadn't been sure I even could cry. I don't know why I was masking it; it's one of the most human things any of us do.

Beside me, Jessica was shaking softly. For a second, I thought she was laughing or was secretly afraid and shaking in fear. Looking down, I saw she was crying too. Maybe because I looked at her, or just because she couldn't bear to face the world right now, she hid her face in the fur of my bicep and wept.

She had me completely wrong-footed. I'd been feeling sorry for myself for not being understood and misjudged at least one of my new friends. The ache in my chest persisted, and I was genuinely touched. Still, I realized the ache was probably due, at least in part, to Denis's poison, not just strong emotion. Still, it was a touching moment and exactly what I'd needed to feel human.

Jessica groaned quietly. "Sorry, I should probably get back. They might need me. The demons you warned us about just keep walking in circles, trying to break through doors. Alice wanted us all to rush out when the door started to cave and try to kill one. She was so brave, and I- I just couldn't do it. Denis didn't either, and both the demons got away."

She started crying into my arm again. "I tried, and I'm just so scared," She wept. "How does she keep facing them. I keep having flashes of fear and confusion where all I know is that I'm about to die. It's only here that I don't. Only when you're around do I have any hope that things might be okay. I don't even know you, but it's like I know you're here to help, like God sent you to be our guardian angel or something."

That last bit made me cringe a little. I had never found a reason to believe in any god. This B-movie of an apocalypse hadn't changed that. I understood the appeal of believing someone had a plan for the shit going on in the world, but I hadn't seen any evidence it was true.

Still, her sentiment was flattering even as it brought me up short. It was further evidence that there were fragments of memory floating around in people who had otherwise forgotten the previous loops. Having my own memory problem, I didn't know what I'd done to inspire her trust, but I was grateful for it and that I could offer her a shoulder to learn on. I let her cry and patted her head before leaving my hand there to offer any comfort I could.

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Surprised as I'd been by her sudden entrance, I hadn't put an illusion in place; otherwise, I'd be concerned that was why she felt she could be this open. Since she was being so open, putting on a glamour didn't feel appropriate. I also just didn't want to. For a moment, I was able to just be. As fun as the Gremlins were, being with them was still a performance. And they were, after all, alien. Alien to me anyway.

Jessica put her hand on my fur-covered hand and moved it down to her face. She pressed my palm against her cheek, and I could feel the tears against my skin. My breath hitched at the intimacy. I didn't want either of us to misread this situation, but I also really didn't want to put up walls where none were needed.

If I had been in my old body—or even my Ether body—I would probably have draped an arm around her and drawn her closer. She was obviously smart, smart enough to be a surgeon anyway. Plus, she was kind and trusting. She was definitely my type. But, while she was a beautiful, fully human person, I was a glowing werewolf. That wasn't even to mention our forgotten past that could contextualize this moment negatively or positively. Besides, I'd remember this moment clearly in the next loop, and she would remember next to nothing.

Also, how embarrassing would it be to make a move and get rebuffed? I mean, I was a freaking werewolf. The idea of making a move as I was made me uncomfortable. I'm on a lot of spectrums, but not so much the furry one. I mean, Lola Bunny's a babe; anyone with eyes can see that, but it's the human features, not the bunny features, that draw the eye. It's her eyes, breasts, and hips, which aren't bunny-like at all. Am I misremembering that she has a belly button? That's not an animal; that's a human in cosplay.

My point being—I'd never engaged in furry activities or really got the appeal. Now that I actually had fur, I wasn't sure what my expectations for romance should be. I wasn't sure it was possible for anyone to "look past" my appearance; they'd almost have to be into it instead, and I didn't know how to feel about that. Then again, that kind of thing was pretty far down my list of priorities at that moment.

What decided me was that what Jessica and I really needed was support, not comfort, by way of momentary pleasure. Not that I really knocked that kind of thing; historically, I was big on momentary distractions from unending stress. In this case, it would just be destructive.

I leaned my head back against the wall, feeling conflicted. Nothing could ever be simple.

We stayed that way for several minutes, Jessica crying into my hand and arm, occasionally shuddering with quiet sobs. After a while, she brought my hand away from her face and wiped her tears while still leaning her forehead against my arm.

"Sorry," She said. "I just, today has been a lot, and it seems like there's only more bad coming. I just don't know what to do."

I wished I had any good answers for her—or a way to answer at all.

What I could do, was act. I don't mean perform. I mean, I could take action. Jessica was afraid to go back out there, afraid of the monsters trying to get her. And from the sound of it, they would get in soon.

I stood up.

"Sam?" Jessica asked, unsure.

I gave her a doggy grin and walked to the door, grabbing one of the chairs as I went. It would be a poor weapon, but it was still better than nothing, especially if Jessica came along to vouch for my tranquility. Hopefully, I could upgrade before I ran into real trouble.

"Sam?" Jessica repeated, confusing me for a moment since I thought she'd understood. I'd have to swing the chair around or something in demonstration. I turned back to Jessica to pantomime my plans, but she wasn't looking at me. She was looking at the unconscious patient.

"Where's Maebe? And why is Mr. Peterson disconnected from the monitor?"

--=-