DEEPEST BLUE TONES THAT FADE IN TO THE TWILIGHT

It’s dark and I’m alone drifting in and out of sleep and have been for the past few hours. My body is so tired but my brain is wide awake and every time I close my eyes I can see flashes off myself shooting those men and women at the auction over and over like a painful loop. I know it’s my guilt and regret of the event but it just keep playing over and over taunting me.

The collar is not comfortable ether it presses on my throat in a tight manner. Lying here on this bed is boring and lonely and I hate it, it was something I didn’t mind in quarantine but now it’s getting to me once again. Also despite that Ryo the closest thing I have to a father has told me I had no choice but to pull that trigger because I was protecting Rei the issue is still playing over in my head.

Maybe this is spinning in my mind because I’ve sensed my other self’s emotions and the enjoyment as well as pleasure she gets from hurting and even killing people. How she reveals in suffering and how she takes the form as a demon to cause fear and uncertainty.

Knowing that she would get off on the actions of killing those men and women whereas I don’t even though it was self-defence, I still see it as something I could have avoided or changed. Maybe I’m over thinking this because we could have been the same person. There was a time when I was not so different to her in my youth, when I enjoyed power trips, bullying and trying to control others along with the entitled view point that everything was mine by rights even people.

I open my eyes as I hear the hidden bolts click as my door is opened, its probably just Ritsuko coming to check on the collar. I close my eyes hoping that sleep will finally over take me. There is a sudden soft thud as someone sits on the bed.

Asuka tensed only to feel a hand as it began to move through her hair though very carefully and almost curiously. Her eyes snapped open, as she turned sharply realizing that Rei was sitting on the bed looking down at her, her red eyes glowing in the darkness as she moved back at her sudden moment in an almost fearful manner.

She breathed in sharply as she smelt the air not smelling any alpine forest only a smell that was like a hospital wing as it hit her hard. This wasn’t her Rei, it was the other one and she’d somehow managed to open her locked room without the godly alarms going off.

She sat up raising her hand as the woman who was by all accounts a young teenager in a grown woman’s body shifted back further, clearly fearing the outcome at being caught. “Hey easy, I’m not going to hurt you.” The red glowing eyes looked at her with uncertainty. “I thought…you were asleep….I know it was wrong.”

Asuka breathed in deeply gods this was so depressing, in the sense that she was seeing this Rei mimicking some of her versions past behaviours but in a much more desperate way. “I’m not angry at you….let’s just say you’re not the only person to ever do something like this, I’ve almost done it myself and I’m not proud of it.”

The red glowing eyes blinked in shock as the meek voice spoke. “Really?” Asuka looked at her for a long moment. “Yes it just I wanted to touch my Rei in her sleep before we got together…I didn’t do so…but I wanted to so badly.” She paused. “I know what it is to want someone when you love them and have feelings for them.”

She turned on the light seeing the light blue hair appear as it filled the room and she could see the uncertainty in the red eyes which she could now see weren’t quite the same shade of red as her Rei’s. “You have nothing to fear from me, I won’t hurt you.” The red eyes darted still uncertain. “I hurt you though….I thought you would still be very angry with me...”

Asuka looked at her for a long moment before speaking calmly and gently. “No I’m not angry at you, you have every right to fear me since I look like the one you love and she didn’t treat you well.” She tensed as her collar tightened for a moment its odd language flashing before fading away again as it loosened. Clearly her other self was yet again-trying to come through but being kicked back and restrained.”

She paused. “I heard she had sex with you but it was one sided in human instrumentality.” The red eyes looked down sadly. “It was but she did love me just for a moment.” Asuka stood up slowly. “Tell me did she give you sexual pleasure in any way?” The other woman looked away slightly. “I gave her pleasure…she never kissed me.”

Asuka breathed in sadly as she looked at her. “That’s not loving you….that using you sexually and I had that same fantasy about my Rei when I was just slightly older than you…I just never acted up on it. Because my Rei was not with me, she also rebuffed my vile actions when I came on to her, which was the right thing to do, as I didn’t know how to love anyone at that age.” She looked up slightly. “Plus you shouldn’t be terrified of someone you love, that’s not love it’s abusive, toxic and wrong.”

She tensed slightly. “And you should never be afraid of me ether, I’m not going to hurt you or treat you that way.” She raised her hand slightly. “She treats you that way because she’s an utterly vile coward.” The other woman looked down her face showing confusion. “But a part of her loves me I know it deep down, she wasn’t always cruel.”

Asuka breathed in sadly clearly this teen in a woman’s body was trapped in the victim’s cycle. Where she wanted to see good in her abuser, where none existed. “You should never be someone’s left over’s or treated like scheisse and from what I saw all the goodness is gone from her and it’s not coming back, she’s past the point of no return.”

She moved forward so she was standing close to her knowing this was wrong but a part of just felt so sorry for this misguided scared teen version of Rei. “Have you ever been kissed by someone who knows how to love?” The red eyes looked up filled with uncertainty. “No…she kissed Shinji, but never me but he didn’t love her, he loved Kaworu…it was so messy.”

Asuka eased her hand using it to very gently ease the other woman’s head up so their eyes met directly. “Let me show you what a kiss is like when someone loves you.” She knew her Rei would understand this action and the reality was they were the same person one was just the past version and the one she loved was the present.

She leaned forward meeting her lips in a slow and gentle kiss which lasted for a long moment before she pulled back seeing the glowing red eyes filled with wonder and shock. “If someone loves you that is how they should kiss you, and they should return sexual pleasure, it shouldn’t be one way.”

The other woman’s slowly raised her hand placing it on her chest catching her by complete surprise as her fingers spread out only for a warm feeling to hit her. She watched her chest glow to the point that she could see her own heart beating under the other woman’s hand which a surreal and utterly euphoric feeling as it glowed with red light under her fingers. It stopped as the teen pulled her hand away looking at her. “Your so kind…I wish she was like you.”

Asuka breathed in sadly taking hold of her hand. “I’m just sorry you were condemned in your life time to see the worst of me.” The young teen stepped away clearly in deep thought. “You can’t stop her, you might think you can but you can’t.” Asuka narrowed her gaze. “Why?”

The teen looked up. “Because she is still you, she will be relentless in her pursuit of ultimate power in the same way you’ve been to reject that same power.” Asuka stepped towards her. “I’ve fought myself once before…I’m not afraid of myself.” The teen looked up slightly. “This won’t be like the time you spent in the 02’s core and you should fear her as she has none of your empathy, compassion and as you’ve pointed out she can’t love.”

She paused before speaking. “She takes the form of a monster because she enjoys being a monster and she will use the best of yourself against you.” Asuka looked at her for a long moment. “What do you mean by the best self against me?” The teen looked up. “I can’t say I can’t tell you your further…I just sense that it is something she might do. For you everything is going to change, as you can’t run from your destiny the more you turn away from it the more pain will be put up on you and you will have to make a choice very soon.”

She looked at her hands. “I cannot say further only that you’ve been here so many times before and normally this choice is forced up on you and you rejected it last time for me but this time it’s going to be harder because you know how to care and love openly.” Asuka slowly moved over to the door which was wide open. “Would you like something to eat?” The teen looked at her as she followed with uncertainty as she turned the light on. “Eat?”

Asuka moved over to the cooker as she opened the fridge taking food out. “Yes what would you like to eat I can cook you anything you want.” Rei blinked as she looked at the fridge. “I can’t eat meat.” Asuka looked at her. “That’s not a problem I can cook foods without meat.” She paused pulling out some coke bottles from the fridge putting on the table. “I’m just not as great as Shinji, I assume the version you knew of him was a great cook to.” Rei looked at her for a long moment. “He was.”

She eased her hand over the three of the six glass coke bottle sitting on the table watching as they bubbled and churned but didn’t pop open as they turned in to very strong proof German spirit, she raised one slowly towards the other woman. “But I’m sure whatever you do will be satisfactory.”

Asuka took the glass bottle slowly from her hand staring at the clear spirit. “Did you just turn this in to Vodka?” Rei shook her head. “No Korn you mix it with coke, beer or drink it from shot glasses…I read your mind when I touched your heart you’re not allowed alcohol in here…but maybe if you mix it with the coke no one will notice.”

Asuka watched as she sat down. “Funny I’ve never had this but I’ve walked past it many times in German stores back home.” The teen looked up slightly. “Your other self-liked it to wild abonnement….I used to see her drinking it to excess.” Asuka put the bottle down. “I’m guessing since she lived in agony from being crippled this helped in self destructive way?”

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The teen lowered her gaze sadly. “Yes…that and smoking cigarettes none of which she was allowed to have but in the end rules meant nothing to her anymore…but I saw in your Rei’s memories you had a drinking issue to but you curbed them as you grew older hence you would use it more safety and savour the flavour.”

She paused looking at the food. “Can you make Natto with rice?” Asuka cringed inwardly she hated the smell of Natto and didn’t really enjoy cooking with it, but if the teen wanted it she’d make it. “Yes I can make that for you.”

She breathed in pouring rice in as she began to cook. Rei looked at her inwardly surprised that was cooking as her Asuka had never done anything of the sort in their life time. Hence it was so surreal to be offered food by her now. She looked at her seeing that this Asuka looked tired. “Are you sure you are able to do this as you look like you are having difficulty functioning?”

Asuka turned slightly this Rei had a very different way of speaking to her Rei it was almost methodical but at the same time not like the god Rei who seemed to talk on a multi-level with everything having a double meaning. “Yes I can do this I’m just tired I keep on having nightmares…they are about the people I shot to save my Rei….this takes my mind of it.”

Rei paused looking at her feeling the shock hit home she was so openly compassionate and knew emotions like regret which her Asuka had let go off as she’d just stopped caring. She watched her movement which was very calm as she cooked unlike the Asuka she knew who threw food in and burnt it in the one-time she’d seen her cook for herself.

She looked up looking deeper as she suddenly realized what she embodied she was not her Asuka who flaunted the fact that she was a death god. No she was war god born from war yet with honour codes and not immune to feeling for those she killed out of respect. “The fact that you value the life that you take shows that you’re more human than my Asuka ever was…she enjoys that demonic form so much it makes me sad.”

Asuka eyed the rice as it finished cooking. “Yeah well I enjoy my other form so maybe we are not so different.” Rei looked at her. “Why do you enjoy it?” Asuka filled a bowl then placed the flavoured Natto on to it before handing it to the teen along with some chopsticks. “Because in it I feel that nothing can hurt me, it feels like the ultimate freedom. I can do things I cannot in this normal body.”

She sat opposite her watching as she started to eat. “I can understand how someone can get lost in it and with godly power it must be all the more addictive.” The teen looked at her. “What is the real reason you don’t want to be a god. I mean there has to be more to it than your disbelief of gods and goddess because they are cruel.”

Asuka picked up a class pouring some Korn in to it followed by coke as she met her gaze directly. “In myths, legends and even some fables no good ever came of those who seek godhood. There is a reason gods are born gods because they can control the power born to them. Humans on the other hands have never been born with that power, therefore they cannot control it and abuse it and are cast out from the heavens for daring to challenge real gods who understand their true power.”

She narrowed her gaze. “And believe me when I say I believe a god already exists who was there first and I doubt she’d share her power.” The teen looked at her in confusion. “So you’re afraid to meet the real gods if they exist?”

Asuka took a long drink before turning to her. “Yes because they got here first and I would be viewed as an intruder and they might raise their hand in anger.” The teen looked down thinking before looking at her. “I had not considered that conundrum, it is most complex.” Asuka took another long drink before leaning back on the sofa looking at her. “Yes and it’s why I might be a god in human form but I want none of the power because I was born against the rules of those who already rule.”

8

She’s asleep on the sofa opposite me she fell asleep after eating. I took the blanket from her room and covered her with it I’m on the other sofa opposite. I’m drunk I know I’m drunk I just don’t verfickte care. I’m past caring I know Ritsuko is gonna go verfickte mental anyway by the fact that Rei somehow got in to my room without setting the alarm off along with turning coke bottles to alcohol.

She closed her eyes lying back on the sofa opening them slowly only to freeze as a huge black form appeared. Its huge face was high above her own the one red and black glowing eye stared in to her own as the being spoke as it loomed over her putting its huge long clawed hand on the sofa arm. “You really are a fucking stupid moron, aren’t you?”

Asuka closed her eyes hoping it would disappear only to open her eyes and see that its snout was up against her face as it had clearly leaned closer as it opened both of its huge wings speaking slowly. “Oh no don’t think you can close your good eye and I’ll disappear!”

The demon paused. “Oh yes the collar is suppressing me…but clearly Seele didn’t consider the loop hole left by Bardiel being in your subconscious and how I can get in there…for a while at least before that collar suppresses me again.” Asuka took a long drink looking at her. “Am I meant to be impressed by this or something?”

The huge bloody hooves scratched the floor. “I don’t know what I hate more you existing or you thinking in your small pathetic mind that you have any fucking hope of stopping me!” Asuka looked at her counterpart for a long moment before taking another long drink. “Verpiss dich you verfickte selfish self-absorbed childish asshole…you touched my girlfriend and you hurt the other version of Rei when you were alive…and should we ever meet again you will pay for that…mark my words.”

The demon eyed Rei who was sleeping. “Oh please you’re a weak bisexual whore. You think I fear you and your other form? Your nothing compared to me.” The jaws formed a sneer as fire blasted up all over the room though it was an illusion it caused her other self to turn in fear as it filled the room enough that it could lick the edges of her clothes causing panic to show in her eyes.

Maybe because she was drunk her defences were down more than normal. She moved her clawed hand watching as the fire leapt on to her counterpart’s free hand as it started to burn causing her to cry out in agony. “Glorious fire….hurts so much.”

Asuka turned trying to put it out feeling the pain as it burnt away skin and muscle causing even more pain. Her counterpart raised her clawed hand stopping the flames on her now burnt skeleton hand as she spoke darkly. “Let me be really fucking clear I own everything, the people the planets the sky and stars. You might as well be an ant under a magnifying glass and unlike Bardiel I can hurt you in your waking world.”

She moved a clawed finger causing the half-drunk bottle of alcohol to be thrown causing it to land right on her counterparts burnt hand causing scream in pure agony as all the flames faded away around the room. Though Rei remained asleep as she wasn’t affected by this at all due to the invisible AT shield she had up.

She moved her clawed hand out grabbing her counterpart’s hair tightly as it raised her head violently as she kneeled down. “Your worst pains, your worst fears. I can make them all real, so you should just do yourself a huge favour and hand yourself over to me willingly. It will be less painful if you just surrender."

Asuka felt the claws grip her hair tighter as she narrowed her gaze. “Never, I’ve had you in my life once before since I was almost you once.” She turned spitting in the demons face directly. “I destroyed you then…I’ll destroy you now!”

The demons good eye narrowed. “You know your full of shit and you have no guts.” Its clawed fingers rose slashing full force across her stomach as the other hand let go of her hair violently. Asuka looked down as she felt the familiar sensation hit her as she looked down watching as blood soaked torn lower t-shirt and jeans only to watch in horror as her intestines started to come out falling in to her lap.

She found herself grabbing at them in utter panic as the demonic voice spoke again as demon looked at her bloody hand. “Oh no there they are…my mistake.” Asuka felt the sudden pain as her collar tightened to the point that it felt like it was choking her. She closed her eyes only to open them again seeing that the room had returned to normal.

She looked down grabbing at her t-shirt pulling it up seeing that all the blood along with her insides were gone and her hand had returned to normal. She breathed in feeling the sweat run down her face as her collar loosened again she turned seeing that Rei was still sleeping.

She didn’t feel so good, she wanted to throw up and her head was spinning. She wanted this to be over now she wanted Seele to fix her so she wouldn’t have to see her evil forma self anymore, she was vile beyond words and her illusion and mind games were far worse than Bardiel’s had ever been.

She wanted to feel angry but in reality she just felt sad that this was who she used to be. Seele’s fear and Dante’s fear made so much sense now. She picked up the spilled alcohol bottle looking at it…maybe she’d best not drink this again, maybe the act of doing so had made her other self-come out even if the other Rei had meant well.

8

Kaji turned the corner fast opening the doors to the elevated room of the Soul Ark where Misato was meant to be monitoring Asuka and Rei. He breathed in deeply, seeing that she was fast asleep on the console. He moved fast hating that he had to do this as everything as she had not slept in ages and needed her sleep and he couldn’t blame her for sleeping but she had to see this now before it vanished.

He moved over shaking her hard. “Hey wake up.” He shook her again watching as she snapped awake clearly deeply groggy as she spoke half asleep. “What…what it is it what going on?!”

Kaji moved over to her table typing in to the holographic desk bringing up a holographic screen showing the Nerv camera outside the main visitor entrance. He moved his hand pointing to the school girl who was standing there but not looking in she was instead looking directly at the camera. “Look there…she’s right there.”

Misato bolted upright recognising who it was instantly. Though it had been a while it was Rei…but not their Rei but the god Rei she could tell by the much darker blue hair. Kaji eyed the screen. “She appeared here, I was watching my monitor and she just appeared.” He leaned closer. “She knows the camera is there…she’s looking directly at us.”

The glowing dark red eyes moved as the girl raised her hand clearly aware she had their attention as she made a shadowy adult skeleton appear opposite it was glowing bright blue and looked almost spectral. Its skeleton hands clutched the rails as it began to scream silently unable to let go off the gate as its body shook violently. Misato blinked in shock. “Are we recording this?!”

Kaji carried on watching. “Yes and it is recording, she’s letting us record her.” He leaned closer as the skeleton suddenly started to disintegrate away its form becoming that of a huge blue cross which went sky ward and upwards as their cameras followed it as it faded away before coming back down again to the god again who raised her right hand counting down her fingers from five to one before looking at them for a long moment before vanishing.

Misato blinked in confusion. “What the fuck was that all about?” Kaji stroked his beard. “I don’t know but Gendo, Ritsuko and Dante need to know about this right now.” He paused looking at the monitor screens of Rei and Asuka rooms and the visitor area. “How the hell did our Rei get in there…and why are they both together in the visitor room?”

Misato turned sharply. “What the fuck?” She turned sharply typing. “Why didn’t the fucking alarm go off their meant to go off?” She typed faster bring up the recorded footage of Rei opening her room then going to Asuka’s though it clearly wasn’t their Rei. It was the other one who had much lighter blue hair and who was still a teenager clearly she wanted to be with Asuka. “Ritsuko is gonna kill me! How did she override the fucking alarm? That’s impossible!”

End of part 53

Silvermoonlight