BROKEN TRAIN OF THOUGHT

Well that went as scheisse as I thought it was going to go and now I regret crying in front of the Commander and Ritsuko. Because Ritsuko is probably going to use this against me as a pilot, since this time it’s not that I’m unstable and it’s not because I have any angel in my verfickte brain.

I look at my breakfast realizing I’m not hungry and I really don’t want to eat it, it’s just fluffy pancakes but it has no appeal. I turn looking at Rei who has already finished her breakfast of yogurt and honey and her eyes are now on my food. I don’t think as I push it her way, clearly she’s hungry and it’s the stress from all of this and in the past few days since we returned and I’m not going to stop her if she wants to eat.

I pause feeling really unsure of my next question because personally I’d believe her over Ritsuko but I feel uncertain about the whole thing. With her not showing up to the meeting but at the same time I don’t blame her, if she didn’t want to be there. “Did you go to Ritsuko’s meeting?”

Rei looked at the fluffy pan cakes as she poured on the thick cream and chocolate. “Yes, I don’t know what that shit was all about but I was there.” She took a bite utterly enjoying the flavour. Asuka eased her patch off looking at it for a long moment. “It’s just if you didn’t go I wouldn’t blame you, I just wanted you to know that.” Rei looked up slightly speaking in a slightly cold tome before she could stop herself. “I was there Asuka, so drop it!”

She stopped seeing the hurt in Asuka’s eyes it wasn’t hidden at all which hit her hard along with the guilt. She eased out her hand taking the other woman’s. “I’m sorry that came out wrong, I just feel really stressed and tired right now.” She eyed her plate dropping her fork on it with a clatter. “And all I want to do is eat! I just feel so hungry all the time, even when I eat I don’t feel full it’s like I’ve never eaten before or something.”

Asuka looked at her she picked up the fork gently putting it back in Rei’s hand. “Then you should eat and not feel guilty about it, since your body clearly needs it.” She looked up seeing the sadness in the other woman’s eyes. “Plus what you did today was very brave I just hope that your father follows through on his promise.” Rei looked at her food sadly. “He probably won’t.” Asuka moved closer as she ran her hand through Rei’s hair gently and softly. “You tried Rei that is all that matters.”

Rei looked at her for a long moment unable to stop her next actions maybe it was the stress of everything but she wanted to feel the other woman’s affection and love. No matter how much she got right now it just never felt like enough. She was kissing Asuka before she could stop herself it was gentle kisses which were slow but with all her feeling she stopped putting her head against the other woman’s. “Thank you for pushing me, even if nothing ever comes of this.” Asuka looked at her for a long moment. “Whatever happens…I’m here with you Rei.”

“Would you like us to come back later?”

Asuka snapped her head around realizing that Mari was standing close by as was Toji though they both looked uncertain. She pulled away from Rei watching as she got back to eating. “No, we are done.”

Toji slowly sat himself down watching as Mari did the same. “So I assume it didn’t go well? The meeting I mean.”

Asuka breathed in deeply. “No it went like scheisse.”

Rei looked at her food as she carried on eating it as if it was her last meal. “Asuka just about summed it up, it was utterly shit.”

Toji looked at Mari knowing what he was going to say next could really make Rei and Asuka’s day even worse. “I hate to tell you this.”

Rei looked up sharply instantly catching the uncertainty in his tone. “Tell us what?”

Mari looked at Toji as she adjusted her glasses. “Kaworu over dosed this morning, Maya told me and he’s currently under her care. He took too much of the drug Stizomaziyi. I think that’s what it’s called.

Asuka breathed in sadly as her older sister’s words sank in. “It’s called Stizomazeia.”

Rei turned sharply eyeing Mari. “But why would he over dose? I mean what’s the reason was he trying to kill himself, he seemed fine!”

Mari raised her hands. “Honestly we don’t know, I was just told this morning but you can’t go and see him or Shinji not till this afternoon. They have to run tests even Shinji can’t see him right now he says he has to wait outside the glass hospital room and no one else is allowed up there. As it was a possible overdoes they have to go through suicide protocols and their trying to keep the press out as they now have photos of the Nerv ambulance leaving Shinji’s home.”

Rei looked at her food losing her appetite once more why was everything going like this? Why was it all falling apart? She felt her heart sink even worse her last words to her brother had been less than nice now the person he loved was sick in Nerv hospital and she wasn’t there to comfort him.

All she could feel was the painful sting of regret and she had no idea how to deal with it all. A part of her wished selfishly that she could just go back in to the quite place where she’d once been invisible and could just push her emotions inwards but she knew she couldn’t.

She just wasn’t that person anymore and she knew deep down she didn’t want to be her but right now she just wanted to vanish as everything just felt like it was getting worse. Or at least that was how it felt to her emotionally like the walls were coming in and crushing her.

Asuka leaned over putting a hand on Rei’s shoulder squeezing gently. “As soon as we can visit, we’ll go Rei.”

Toji raised his hands seeing the sadness in Rei’s eyes. “Yeah we can all go see him, we just got to wait a little longer.”

Rei looked up slightly. “I want to see them both, I can’t imagine Kaworu doing this to himself, he seemed fine.”

Asuka breathed in this was deeply unsettling as well as he had been fine but she knew what depression was like and what it could make you do. As during her time with Bardiel she had contemplated it and had shoved her gun unloaded between her teeth firing it twice readying herself to load it and fire it for real, only to realize she couldn’t do it. Maybe like her Kaworu had tried to hide his hurt after his abusive ex had come back but it had gotten to him and he’d cracked, ether way it was deeply saddening.

8

Maya breathed in the test results had come back and it was very clear now that it truly was a faulty chromosome pair and it still made no sense. She had already had to tell Misato who had been running damage control all morning and keeping the press at bay who kept asking if it was a suicide attempt, which it clearly wasn’t but how they were going to run this by the press in the statement was giving her real concerns. As if she said his body had gone faulty it could be really harmful to him and anyone with his condition around the world going forward as it would play on the myth that Walking dead Syndrome made you sickly.

No if they wanted to ride this out she’d have to say it was Nerv’s fault and that there was an issue with their internal supply. Or that they were improving it and he had to go clean for a time until they worked out how to fix it but the reality was it could take weeks and none of this would be good for Kaworu.

As he was in a very low emotional place right now and he wouldn’t like that he had to walk around this way. It was now finally clear for all staff and pilots to visit him as well as Shinji. She looked up seeing that Misato was coming towards her office. Misato opened the door the concern in her face as she walked up to Maya’s desk her voice hitting the air. “How is he, can I see him?”

Maya looked up meeting her concerned gaze. “Yes both you and Shinji can see him, but I will say now he’s not in a good mood.” Misato pulled up the chair. “We have kept the press off this for as long as we could, you need to tell me just what I have to say to them.”

Maya breathed in deeply. “I know you wanted Leiko’s program in to play which goes on the idea of the pilots as human beings and not lie about their troubles but we will have to lie about this.” Misato leaned forward feeling the confusion take over her. “Why?”

Maya brought up the holographic screen showing the malfunctioning chromosomes. “Because no one will ever believe you if you say one of his chromosome base pairs are suddenly faulty. Since this happens at birth it doesn’t happen later in life unless it’s via radiation and people with his condition are normally very healthy despite how they appear.”

She paused. “Basically this is why his medication no longer worked it’s why he took a double dose and we need to time to fix this and it could take weeks.” Misato eyed the hologram. “Wait this is not possible, like I don’t know that much about science but this doesn’t make sense!”

Maya looked up sharply. “Yes and it’s why you need to lie and say our supply was contaminated somehow and we are recreating a new stock on sight. Make up your best story because no one can know this truth because its makes no sense. This means for now we have to say to shoulder the blame until this is fixed and tell the department they’ve done nothing wrong and we’ll double their pay for the inconvenience. Tell them no one will be fired as accidents happen and we can say it happened during shipment, since we’ve had poor shipments in the past.”

Misato looked at the holographic screen again. “This is insane, first we have Rei and Asuka captured now this, will he be able to pilot?” Maya shook her head. “No, he won’t because his mental state can get very heavily affected when he’s this way and I saw some of it when we were testing him, let’s just say he has a really foul temper when he’s this way and his past records also show it.”

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Misato leaned forward lowering her voice. “Could it be his spine worm…like its not working right or its sick?” Maya looked up slightly. “Possibly, but that needs testing in the lab with me there and I don’t think he’s up for that right now mentality.”

She looked up slightly. “The truth can’t get out to the public the negative side of the press will affect others worldwide if they think it has anything to do with his condition Walking Dead Syndrome which is not fully understood despite that it’s been around since humanities very early origins and people with it are always classed as sickly, weak unwell. When they’re not in fact they have great stamina and internally are really healthy as well as genetically are no different from you or me.”

She raised her hand. “Also despite decades of research we still can’t pin point what causes it. We only know how to dull the effects like using medication to turn the skin to a normal tone along with the hair and eyes and it has to be tailored to perfectly match the person in question genetically hence no two people’s medication are ever the same.”

She looked down slightly. “Anyone from any place in the world can have this condition and it not ultra-rare yet it still gets scorn, misunderstanding and prejudice. So we need to protect Kaworu’s safety as much as all those worldwide that have it. This issue needs to be handled very delicately and only Shinji and the other pilots should be able to know what’s really wrong with him but they should be forbidden from saying anything publicly. The media centre is saying they have been utterly swamped with fan mail asking about Kaworu and online feed is almost at breaking point with questions and his fans wishing him well and asking if he’s okay.”

Misato breathed in deeply. “Let me handle this then I’ll tell them just what you said about our stock being contaminated from an outside source and that we are creating a brand new better stock internally.” Maya looked at Shinji who was still sitting behind the glass of Kaworu hospital room. “Also tell him he can go in, it’s been so hard to have to keep him out but we had to do it, since it was suicide protocol.”

She breathed in sadly. “I just didn’t want to us to make the same mistakes we did with Asuka. As I feared him seeing his forma abusive boyfriend could have caused this as his division said once he was gone he suffered deep depression and had to have therapy after which he was given his medication and he started to really heal after that but he’s made it clear it wasn’t an overdose.”

Misato stood up slowly. “Okay I’ll release a statement along with Kaji.” She looked at Shinji who looked utterly bored and frustrated where he was seated outside of the hospital room. “But I need to deal with Shinji as this has been horrible for him.”

Maya looked at Shinji before turning back. “I understand.” She typed in to holographic panel hearing the bolts on Kaworu’s hospital room unlock as the light above the door turned from red to green. Misato slowly stood up making her way out of the office watching as Shinji stood up she moved over putting her arms around him pulling him close despite that he was no longer a child and taller than her as this had never changed between them in all these years.

She spoke unable to keep the pain out of her voice. “I’m so sorry to keep you waiting this long Shinji I wanted to be here sooner.” Shinji breathed in feeling the pain in his voice as the tears started to run before her could stop them. “I thought he was going to die, it was so awful.” Misato held him tighter feeling him cry in to her shoulder. “You getting him here as fast you did saved his life Shinji.”

Shinji pulled away meeting her sad gaze. “What’s wrong with him?” Misato looked at him for a long moment as she moved her hand up putting it on his face her tone becoming deeply serious. “Something has gone wrong with his genetics; it means his body is rejecting the medication. Maya is going to do everything to fix this but it is going to take time and you cannot tell anyone in the press about this not you or any of the others.”

She paused looking at Kaworu who was lying back on the bed looking bored and tired. “The reality is he could look this way for a number of weeks and he will need all your support. His records show that he’s not good mentality this way and it also means he can’t pilot because his emotional state and bad temper may affect his sync in a big way. As it happened once before over in the Ukrainian division but it had been resolved by the time he came to Japan to join us.”

She moved his finger wiping away some of his tears. “I know you can help him you’ve always have and your heart is in the right place Shinji. I know you can guild him though this but it’s going to be hard, he’s not going to be himself.”

She looked at him for a long moment. “You can go in now and talk to him it will just be you no one else you know I would do anything to stay with you right now but I have to go and talk to the press they have to know it wasn’t a suicide attempt.” Shinji breathed in painfully. “You’ll be back soon though?” Misato pulled him close giving him a warm hug. “I’ll be back soon I promise.”

8

Ritsuko looked at Gendo for a long moment as he gazed over the report regarding Kaworu which had just been brought to his office. “It just seems things are going from bad to worse first Rei and Asuka now this. Gendo eyed Maya’s medical report over again. “This is very displeasing and concerning Seele will want to know about this.”

Ritsuko eyed her holographic screen. “Has it started?”

Gendo breathed in deeply. “This could be mere side effect dear, the drugs you gave my daughter and Asuka were to suppress it Seele said they were the strongest they have.”

Ritsuko turned slightly. “What if they’re not working I mean you saw how foul tempered your daughter was this morning?”

Gendo turned to meet her uncertain gaze. “They have informed me her temper could be due to post traumatic stress disorder but it is most unsettling.”

Ritsuko turned slightly. “Then I recommend you go through on your promise and give her and her brother the footage of their mother.” Gendo put a hand on his beard. “That’s already been arranged, packages will be sent out tonight, as much as I dislike this turn of events I do not wish for a repeat incident.” He paused. “She did not show up for her meeting with you?” Ritsuko slowly eased out a cigarette. “No like I said in the meeting.”

Gendo looked up slightly. “Clearly my youngest child has learnt how to lie.” His mouth formed a cold smile. “And now she knows how to threaten like her brother, it’s so intriguing.” He put his hands together. “Things that are necessary for leadership, which means one day she might be fit to joint lead this company, along with her brother.”

Ritsuko lit her cigarette breathing it in deeply. “That aside, both her and Asuka still need to be very closely monitored because I have a bad feeling about all this.” Gendo turned to meet her gaze. “Seele’s medication is flawless, it will suppress the issue.”

Ritsuko eyed him for a long moment as she breathed out the smoke. “Maybe but the reality is I think your daughter was hiding something. I saw it in her face when we asked about strange things happening.” Gendo breathed in deeply. “Perhaps but we will see and before that I want to speak to the British pilot Mari Asuka’s step sister I want to know her view point on her rotten little family tree, since its clear Asuka knows nothing due to her age at the time.”

Ritsuko began to type in her holographic panel. “That can be arranged, though don’t be surprised if Maya shadows her they have not been together long but it is very clear that Maya seems overly protective of her from what we both witnessed.”

Gendo looked up slightly. “Then we’ll just need to be more delicate with this issue than normal. As I do not wish for yet another repeat where a pilot bears their animalistic teeth to me and unlike Asuka she has even less self-control from what I’ve been told.” Ritsuko finished typing in to the holographic panel taking in a long breath from her cigarette before blowing it out the dark smoke. “That would be correct.”

8

Shinji breathed in as looking at the green light above Kaworu’s hospital room Misato had left and he realized now he had to do this alone. He wished Rei could be here right now as she knew what to say to him in these situations as she was always calm and methodical. He slowly put his hand on the door handle opening it slowly walking inside as he closed the door behind him seeing that Kaworu was lying on his back with the cover half on his body as his red eyes looked up a tired fashion he had a drip opposite which working slowly.

The other man’s gaze fell on him as he tried to move to turn away only to find he couldn’t because his body hurt too much still which was clear by the pain in his face.

He moved forward quickly taking hold of the Kaworu’s hand ignoring his cold look of annoyance. “You shouldn’t move Kaworu, you need to rest and let the drug do what it needs to.” Kaworu breathed in painfully great his boyfriend could see him in all his horrible glory he spoke coldly. “You should leave...”

He paused not caring how dark his tone was. “You shouldn’t see me this way.” Shinji looked at him for a long moment feeling him try to pull his hand away though he couldn’t as the medication was stopping him as it was kicking in very deeply now making him weak and tired.

He breathed in realising that Kaworu looked identical to how he had in his bad vision inside the Evangelion. The pure striking white hair and white skin with piecing red almost glowing eyes truth be told he had found that vision strange but it had not been turned off by it in the slightest. “Why you look just fine to me.”

Kaworu turned his head sharply. “Don’t pretend to be nice Shinji, I know how I look and it must be disgusting to you, I look like a walking undead corpse.” Shinji looked at his white hand. “No I like it.” Kaworu gaze narrowed his gaze. “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.”

Shinji looked at him for a long moment before lowering his gaze to the floor as he tried to collect his thoughts. Clearly he had to be honest about his vision though he hadn’t wanted to say anything about it. “I’ve seen you look this way before.”

Kaworu turned looking at him. “From my records I assume Maya or Misato probably showed you my old photos to make it less of a shock!” Shinji looked up meeting his gaze directly. “No, I saw you like this in the vision I had in my Evangelion some time ago, you looked this way but much younger.”

He put his other hand on the other man’s seeing his face turn in surprise. “I didn’t want to tell then, because it was too personal to me, but you were there in the rotting ruins of what looked like the Arcade area and we were talking to me, you said we’ll see each other again.”

Kaworu blinked in confusion. “Really, but you told them all you saw was the rotting Nerv?” Shinji looked down as he breathed in painfully. “I didn’t tell them because something awful happened to you in my vision and it scared me, as I don’t like the idea of losing you.” He breathed in trying to stop his tears. “And I thought you were going to die this morning and it was terrible.”

He paused taking in a deep painful breath. “I didn’t want you to die like you did in my vision it’s why I didn’t want them to know the truth.” He looked at the white hand in his own. “So if you think I wouldn’t like you, your very wrong you being this way does not change how I feel about you.”

He wiped his tears away. “I still love you I still want you and I still need you.” Kaworu blinked in surprise as he turned to look at him not really knowing what to say or how to react. All his life all of his previous partners had been put off by his real looks in some manner, yet this man was the first to ever say openly that it didn’t matter. He watched as Shinji moved pulling himself on to his hospital bed so he was lying with him as he put an arm around him refusing to let go as he started to cry harder.

He raised his hand weakly running it through his dark hair as he snapped out of his haze. “You really mean that?” He breathed in deeply. “I…don’t disgust you?” Shinji breathed in sharply speaking through his tears. “Yes I do and you don’t disgust me.”

Kaworu moved his other arm despite that it hurt wrapping it around him. “No one’s ever said that to me before my previous boyfriend’s, lovers they always wanted me on the drugs.” Shinji looked up at him. “That’s because they didn’t love you, for you, I do and I don’t care how you look what matters to me is your alive and we are still together.”

He moved his head up meeting the other man’s lips gentle kissing gentle though Kaworu didn’t respond at first ether due to surprise or uncertainty before he started kissing back as he ran a hand through his pure white hair holding nothing back.

End of part 43

Silvermoonlight