A BROKEN AND SADDENING VISION

Fear crippling fear. The type you have trouble breathing and where you’re whole body shakes and you wish you were anywhere else but where you are. Your powerless yet in this dream which I’m not part of that’s what I feel as I watch a limping version of myself run across the bridge towards the lift sections that leads to the Evangelion bay.

I can also see Misato body lying close by though she dead her eyes are wide open as the stare in to nothing there’s blood all over the floor. Her insides are platters all over the floor, she was trying to get my other self to the lift to help Shinji and she was just gunned down by five members of the Japanese Strategic Self Defense Force.

This confuses me maybe because these people in my world are set up to defend Nerv at all costs. Yet in this memory which is not my own they are attacking us. I watch as one man smirks as he loads his gun pointing it at the younger version of my-self who I can see very clearly now in human form. She has a patch on her left eye and it’s not much different to mine.

I can see her clear limp in the right leg which scuffs as she walks on it. Because the bone was never set right hence it causes her intense pain all the time, along with her badly fixed spine injury. She has to walk with a red and silver metal walking stick. One thing really stands out to me now is that we don’t have the same colour hers has a much lighter gold hue whereas mine is red as fire.

Maybe now I see who I was. Maybe the red fire makes sense now, my soul was reborn from the fires of hated and malice. Maybe it being red was my sign of sleeping godhood and a stark reminder of who I was lest the demi gods ever forgot. I see the army men and women laughing they think this is a fun joke. As she has a disability therefore she’s weaker and comes off pathetic to them hence there not running as they can easily catch up on her.

It’s like watching a jumped up predator playing with its food, it’s disgusting and just not how you kill someone if you’re going to. They just want to get the maximum fear out of her, as she tries to desperately to run across the bridge which is so rusted and old and falling apart. It’s like nothing is maintained here.

The first man walks forward casually as the other laugh, as he raises his pistol. “Nothing personal you crippled little brat.” He smirked at the others as she tries to move faster. “But you gotta die.” I flitch as I hear one gunshot going off followed by another watching as it hits her as she’s turning around sending her crashing to the ground. She breathes out painfully putting her hand to her now bleeding stomach.

Even though the red plug suit its bleeding out I know from Bardiel that the easiest point of attack on the suit is the stomach, it’s a just a sad reality. I watch as he walks forward to where she lying in agony. He kneels down yanking the patch of her face. “Plus you’re an ugly handy-capped looking piece of shit, killing you will be a public service to humanity. As Nerv should have put down ages ago...”

It’s funny I’ve got a large scar on my face it goes through my eye brow through my eye and down to my cheek and yet I have also been called these things. Yet they were from two stupid kids, in a miniature vertical wing it’s so odd how I can see our paths crossing in different ways.

I watch as he starts kicking her as the men and women carry on laughing it’s so sad. Then I hear a creaking sound from above. They look up in shock as a whole massive on fire section of walk way comes down on to the bridge smashing it in half as it kills all the people in the middle of the bridge.

Misato’s dead body which is at the far end falls in to the red water below and the man who was kicking her is set alight by the flames which move of him and on to her. As he stumbles, as he tries to put himself out his screams of pain filling the air along with the smell of burning flesh.

I see her face burning as well as her shoulder arm and hand. She puts herself out by frantically rolling finally putting it out the flames, I see the sudden sadistic look appears in her good eye as she watches him screaming in agony but does nothing, instead she just watches taking drinking in every second of his pain. Oh she could end it, even though her right arm and hand are burnt she could use her good leg to shove him off in to the red water below but she’s choosing not to.

I can also see that part of her face is now badly burnt I can see her gums and teeth as her lip has been burnt away while stripping the empty eye socket to bone all are third degree burns due to the intense heat. The man finally falls in to the red water bellow finally dying, she watches him fall then uses her metal walking stick to punt his gun out of the way as she gets up again dragging herself painfully towards the lift to the Evangelion bay, knowing she’ll die soon herself and fearing death as it comes for her.

So this was her death and this is why every time we switch over the sensation of being shot more than once hits me. Because we were both wounded in the stomach mine was ripped open and my intestines pulled out, while she took a gun shot twice from a pistol at point blank range and can’t let go of the bad feelings it gives her, therefore it’s become easier for her to hate than to love.

The memory suddenly slowly starts to fade away in a sand storm fashion as I watch the huge demon smash its clawed hand in to a young boy sending him flying so hard that he hits the ships metal and is knocked out instantly. I can see Rei standing far off from it, no wait that’s not Rei I can see light blue hair and red pure glowing eyes as well as white skin. She looks down at demon speaking in a weak voice that sounds younger and is filled with fear and uncertainty. “Was all this really necessary?”

I look at the demons feet which are swimming in red blood as it turns to her speaking coldly. “Oh go fuck yourself Rei.” The huge hoofed feet waded through the blood. “I’m not interested in listening to your shit about humanity just because you like them and pity them.” The demon turned raising her clawed hand. “Yes the escape pods are here.”

She raises her other clawed hand as a sadistic smile forming. “That’s the S2 engine; I can feel it…guess that needs to go. I should blow out the engine part that controls it.” I watch as the whole of deck above is blown to bits as fire blasts outwards as the demon rips the wall apart revealing an escape pod. I watch as she turns to look at Rei who has covered her body with some type of AT field as she walks though the fire untouched as she moves the boy to safety, so he can’t be burnt.

The demon sneered slightly as she puts the young boy down so he’s unharmed. “Get in loser…we are getting out of here.” Rei looks at her confused. “You’re saving me, why?” The demon eyed her as it spoke coldly. “I screwed you once, call it an old times sake favour but it changes nothing between us. Once we get back to Nerv, I’m going to do what I’m destining to do.” So that’s how I got out!

She hijacked my body and somehow it caused the other Rei to come out and hijack my Rei’s body. What a twisted gefickt up way to escape…I also hate how she clearly berates and bullies her Rei, it’s like watching the younger me but so much worse because she has no compassion or love it’s all gone.

But maybe what I’m seeing is her memories and the straw that broke the camel’s back. This was being shot at close range and being beaten while wounded along with being seriously burnt. She must have died in pure agony when she finally did die. I don’t know what to think, my feelings are so mixed right now I’m not even sure why I’m in her memories.

Asuka turned as everything faded to darkness and she realized she was in her were-tiger form as dark voice spoke in her mind. “Get out of my memories you fucking whore!” Asuka turned seeing the flames suddenly blast upwards and outwards in the darkness as the huge demon walked out of them. The next moments turned to agonizing pain as the huge clawed hand came out smashing in to her furry chest sending her flying backwards.

The next moment turned to utter confusion as her eyes snapped her eyes open as she realizing where she put her hand on her chest feeling her eyes dart. Stupid verfickte dream that hurt. I can feel pain in chest like my chest hurts and I’m not sure if it’s physical or emotional. She looked around her realizing that there was a suited pair of legs and really expensive shoes.

She looked up realizing that Ritsuko was standing over her looking very concerned. “Why are you verfickte here?” Ritsuko turned looking at the now open door on Rei’s side which led in to other area Rei had gone thought to it but Asuka had not moved or shifted. She’d watched as red writing had appeared on her collar while she was sleeping.

She had come in here to wake her up personally only for her to not wake up no matter how loud her voice was. Only for her to then suddenly vault awake now as it as clearly a nightmare she was having. “Dante wanted me to check the collar as it can be very difficult to deal with when you first put it on, as your memories can collide with your other selves.”

Asuka looked at her for a long moment watching as she pulled up a chair sitting her-self opposite the sofa which she was lying on though her expression looked utterly conflicted, as she spoke. “What did you dream about? It was clear you were having a nightmare, Rei said she could tell by how you were gripping the sofa?”

Asuka sat up slightly ignoring the dull pain in her chest as she spoke seeing no reason to lie. “I dreamed of my death.” Ritsuko looked at her for a long moment watching in surprise as thick stand on Asuka hair turned from red to a golden colour Dante had said that might happen and it was the other half trying to punch through since her power had been repressed. “How did you die?” Asuka breathed in annoyance. “My other self-told you she was shot.”

Ritsuko looked up. “Yes she told us that but I want your more honest version, not her hate filled rhetoric.” Asuka rubbed her chest slightly. “Shot twice beaten up and then being burned by flames and white hot steel which burnt her eye socket, arm and hand, she was a dead woman walking and she knew it…it’s the moment that changed her from disliking to hating humanity outright because they had caused her so much pain and suffering.”

She looked at her hand not really knowing why she was saying this to this woman now who had never liked her, maybe because it was a lot to take in. Strangely it hurt even though they weren’t her emotions and because she knew Rei was already suffering and she just didn’t want to unload any more on to her. “It’s strange to see yourself die…to know who you once were. To know that you’re a monster and tyrant and that you brought so much pain. She even wears that demonic form to shadow her human face because she hates herself…and yet she sexualizes it to be an adult because she wants my adult body.”

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

She breathed in painfully. “Yet the knowing that this is my destiny that I was born a living god is the worst thing to know and now I get why the Seele six kept the truth from us, because the pain of knowing is far worse than the pain of living.” Ritsuko looked at her sadly. “My-self and my husband know your burden…Seele forced us to see ourselves not everything just snippets…they hoped that we would better ourselves.”

Asuka laughed but it was a sad laugh even to her own ears as she looked around her making sure no one was in the room. She couldn’t see anyone and Rei was not in her room which meant she was on the other side in the secondary room and couldn’t hear what was going on in there. “Then you know that I know that you’re lying to the others one cycle has not passed, it has been twenty….”

She leaned forward speaking in a sharp whisper. “I also remember the god Rei…not my Rei but the other who shapes and moulds this world to her will, who watches over us all.” Ritsuko breathed in deeply knowing there was no point in lying or denying. This was the price of Asuka’s birth as a living god she could recount in perfect detail the collar did not supress that because it was from her and not her other self. “Then you know the sad truth myself and my husband carry.”

She put her hands together. “Do you fear that the god Rei is coming for you…since you are now a god?” Asuka leaned back on the sofa. “No I don’t fear her, because her destiny is not to meet me next it’s to meet my lover she told me so.”

She raised her hand looking at it. “But even as a god I cannot see my own destiny. I can’t see yours or my girlfriends; I guess I’m not that kind of god. Maybe that’s because the god Rei exists and see’s all and we cannot occupy each other’s space and destiny.”

She closed her hand making a fist. “She is the god of order, space and time, which means I’m a god of something else and we can’t overlap each other despite our powers.” Ritsuko breathed in deeply. “I guess time will tell then what will become of our fates since the Seele and its counterpart who became Ouroboros cannot see ahead anymore, apparently your forma stripped them all of that power since they’d done nothing but abuse it over the many cycles.”

Asuka looked up slightly she wanted to be surprised by that but somehow she wasn’t. “Maybe I gave that then to the god Rei, hence why she can see everything.” She paused. “So knowing this I have to ask why are we even having this conversation, are you suddenly having regrets in how you viewed me all these years?” Ritsuko stood up pushing the chair back. “No….I was just curious…Dante wants you looked after.”

Asuka moved her hand to the table top picking up two statuettes pressing hard watching as red light burst through her hand. She breathed in putting them in front of Ritsuko ignoring her surprise. “Don’t worry it was a small piece of power left over from this repression collar.”

She moved the two little black and white cat figurines closer to her as she stood up watching as she leaned over picking them up staring at them in shock. “Call it a thank you for listening then even though you hate me….” She paused turning towards the wall. “You can open this now I know there is another room through there some kind of dining area and visitor area.”

Ritsuko looked at her for a long moment once again she was so unsure of what to say as she snapped out of her haze. “Yes it has food and a cooking area and your friends and family can visit you.” Asuka looked down sadly. “Have you told my grandma everything about what is going on?”

Ritsuko turned to her. “No, despite that she wanted to visit we had to say you’re not ready yet.” Asuka looked at hand. “Please don’t let her know the truth…I don’t want her to know I destroyed humanity once and that I was verfickte monster, who killed thousands and eat people alive.”

8

Dante watched as Ritsuko came inside the room slamming the door behind her. She sat down on the chair opposite staring at the holographic screens which were now watching what Asuka and Rei were doing in the visor area and cooking section. As they could both now move freely between this and AT field rooms whose shields had been now stretched since the two of the four engines could be moved, as they weren’t stationary they ran on a tracks above the rooms.

He watched as she put two small statuettes on the table staring at them intensely as the deeply conflicted look remained on her face. “That’s the thing with gods, they get to you, it’s like they peel away and get under your skin so easily and even as a demi gods we cannot see in to them fully as they are superior to us.”

Ritsuko looked up slightly. “What is she the god of?” Dante moved over to her sitting down opposite. “You mean our Asuka, not her counterpart?” Ritsuko breathed in deeply. “Yes ours…she’s clearly not a death god since she can repair furniture and stitch and heal wounds.”

Dante adjusted his visor slightly. “We think she’s the embodiment of honour and war, it’s why we really don’t want her counterpart taking over as she will have that power. Right now she doesn’t have it, but if the transition were to complete she would gain all of our versions power including full control of her body.”

Ritsuko picked up the white cat figurer looking at it. “You know I had these cat figures in my teens…my mom brought them for me but in college they were stolen.” She put the cat down picking up its black counterpart. “I could never get them again they were a limited edition. Yet she just took the two Chinese shishi and turned them in to this.” She put both cats side by side. “She couldn’t read my mind the collar suppresses that so how did she know, I never told her I liked cats?”

Dante ran a hand through his beard. “Because she’s Nekomata that’s the form she takes that’s suits her, even though she embodies all the war god traits…maybe the reality is you’re not so different.”

Ritsuko felt a cold sneer form. “We are nothing alike!”

Dante adjusted a visor. “Really, then why is it deep down you desire to get some cats, but you won’t tell your husband so?”

Ritsuko leaned forward. “Get out of my mind Dante….its fucking rude when you do that.”

Dante adjusted his visor again. “I’m merely stating a truth you deny yourself, but you have never seen eye to eye with me, because I showed the truth of your past life failings to set you on a better path.”

He raised a red gloved hand. “Which you have done as you no longer follow your mother’s path and assume it’s your own fate.”

Ritsuko looked at him for a long moment as she spoke coldly. “Yet you still refuse to show me how I died in my past life.”

Dante put his hands together. “Were you hoping that she would tell you, is that why you had that conversation with her just now?”

Ritsuko looked at him for a long moment. “Maybe I did, why does that anger you or piss you off?”

Dante shook his head as a sly smile spread across his lips. “Hardly, I just found it curious as you’ve never liked Asuka, but then I know why that is and so do you. Her face is the same as her mothers and you just can’t let go of that betrayal, even though it’s been years.” He paused. “I’m only here to guild you and your husband but I will say this…you should let go off that they are just not the same person and one day fate might force you to change your perspective.”

Ritsuko looked at him in disgust. “Please spear me, you can’t see in to the future anymore.” Dante stood up adjusting his suit. “Just because I can’t see does not mean I can’t sense…after all I used to worship Keel I once acted as his second as he destroyed the world with every cycle and I believed his view was that it was right to repeat over and over. Because with every repeat we became more and more powerful and it became utter obsession.”

He looked up sadly. “We all lost sight of everything though we became addicts to instrumentality and we paid the price so highly in the end…and like us you need to reform this problem or you might face the same. Your other selves couldn’t do it, so see it as something to aspire to.”

Ritsuko watched as he left the room closing the door behind him, bastard was so full of stupid riddles, why he couldn’t just be honest about anything!? She grabbed the cat figures about to throw them at the wall only to stop her-self as she closed her hands around them putting them to her chest.

8

They said we could see them again but in the visitor suite which is attached to the two rooms has now has its shield dropped so they could all enter. He watched as the bolted sections huge locks went back as it slowly opened. Shinji slowly walked in side watching as the others followed him in.

He could see Asuka sitting on the sofa calmly while Rei was making something in the kitchen. “Hey they said we could finally see you.” Rei turned sharply feeling a smile form, though Asuka didn’t move in fact she didn’t even open her eyes. It was clearly an after effect of the collar it was making her tired and very out of sorts.

She moved over to Asuka shaking her shoulder slightly not getting any real reaction. “Asuka...” Mari slowly took a seat on the sofa watching as the others did so. “What’s wrong with her?” Rei looked up slightly as Kaworu, Toji and her brother seated themselves. “I don’t know she’s just been like this since they put the collar on.”

Rei watched as Mari moved her hand over to the collar. “Is it broken?” The next moments caused intense pain as a volt of lightning came out slamming in to her fingers causing the taller woman to cry out in agony and swear something in English she couldn’t quite understand. “I was about to say don’t touch it…I tried it myself…it’s really hurt you.”

Mari shook her hand in annoyance. “Feels like a lightning rod…I can’t feel my fucking fingers now.” Kaworu stood up as he went over eyeing the collar. “The design is so unique.” He moved his hand forward without thinking only for nothing to happen as he ran his fingers over it, watching as the writing lit up much to everyone’s shock and surprise. “This is in ancient Hebrew…I learnt this at Nerv Ukraine.”

Rei blinked as she turned the oven off where she’d been cooking soup. “What does it say?” Kaworu leaned closer. “If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.” Toji watched as he pulled away. “That makes no sense!” Kaworu breathed in deeply. “It’s very curious.”

Rei looked at him. “I don’t get how you can touch the collar but I couldn’t.” Kaworu raised his white hand looking. “Maybe it’s because of my condition. Clearly it’s not reading you the same as me, as the version of this I once wore of this collar was DNA coded, it’s why I could never get it loose. Plus it had a special key that unlocked it which my captures kept on them.” He eyed Asuka’s collar again. “Hers has no key.”

Shinji looked at him. “The key was by her own freewill, so it’s her will that keeps its locked.” Mari moved over carefully opening Asuka’s left eye which was in its darkened state. “How curious…” Asuka’s other hand suddenly came up grabbing her but not harshly as she spoke calmly as her left eye lit up. Though its blue neon and white patterns were much dimmer than normal. “Please don’t do that.”

Mari let go of her face a wide grin forming. “Ah you’re awake.” Asuka groaned everything hurt she felt like she’d been hit by a truck. “I feel like scheisse…” Rei moved over filling the dish with vegetable soup she’d made, it was more to Asuka German taste rather than Japanese. She walked over to her. “Here eat this.” Asuka pulled away slightly. “I don’t think I can, my stomach feels awful.”

Rei moved it closer. “Just trust me, you’ll feel much better.” Asuka took it from her hand frankly she just felt ill right now. The reality was that she didn’t want to offend she took it eating slowly. Rei eyed the others. “Would you like some? Its western not eastern and its Asuka’s recipe, there’s just no meat as they didn’t stock any in the fridge.”

She watched as they all nodded she smiled as she pulled out more bowls filling them as she passed them around along with spoons enjoying the moment, since it felt like such a return to normality. “There’s plenty for seconds.”

End of part 51

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