Will
September 6th, 2007. 7:00 p.m. On the steps outside the L.A. Natural History Museum. I just got my costume from home shipped in this morning. It still feels as awesome and powerful as ever. My parents were even so kind as to ship me a spare bamboo sword. I love them so much… They even polished up the mask and washed my favorite pair of jeans.
Vivian, A.D., and Yuko are all standing around looking like complete amateurs. Our six is exposed and their stances are far too lax. Vivian will not stop pacing. A.D. is doing push ups. Yuko is texting the whole time. A.D. is clad in his gi, but Yuko and Vivian don’t have their hero outfits yet, so they’re just wearing the university standard hero suit. They’re just standard black jumpsuits with some pouches and body armor. They look pretty tactical, but boring. Aegis also provided each of us with temporary masks and ear communication pieces. Every now and then, I can hear Yuko glance at me and chuckle.
“Is there something wrong, Yuko?” I ask with my blade on my shoulder.
“Just… snrk. That outfit is a lot to take in.”
“I beg your pardon? What’s wrong with it?”
“Seriously? The oni mask, the assless chaps, the feather on your hat, the scarf, the leather jacket, the kanji on your back. I’ve never seen a bigger dumpster fire of an outfit.”
“Ma’am, I don’t think you understand what cool means. This is the absolute pinnacle in cool that a human can achieve.” I pause. “Right, A.D.?”
“It is not practical at all.” A.D. continues doing push ups. “The enemy could strangle you with the scarf.”
“Never been a problem for me.” I swing my blade. “All enemies perish before they can lay a finger on me.”
“It looks like what my little brother thinks is cool.” A.D. adds.
“Well, that’s what I’m going for. There are few things more important to a hero than looking cool and inspiring children.”
“Good for you.” Yuko shrugs and her eyes go back to her phone.
God help whoever she marries. I turn my eyes back to the stairs and put my finger to my ear. “Anything on the eastern perimeter? We’re clear on my end. Over.”
Local police chime back. “Eastern perimeter is clear as well. No signs of suspicious behavior. Over.”
I just sit down on the steps and watch Vivian pace back and forward. She hasn’t said a peep since we got out of the van. “Hey, Vivian. If you’re going to piss yourself, go home. I don’t need anyone getting hurt.”
“I just wish she’d just show up already…” Vivian mutters. “I’m 99% sure this is a trap, but I’m not allowed to leave...”
“Just leave then. I can handle this without you.”
“I can’t. I’m not leaving my friends behind.”
“Fine.” I adjust my mask. “Do what you want. As long as you don’t end up ruining the job, I don’t care.”
Vivian says nothing and just continues pacing.
Yuko yawns. “So… who’re these ‘Elite’ I keep hearing about?”
My face collapses into my palm. Jesus, please… Save me from these imbeciles. Why me?
Vivian stops pacing and smiles at Yuko. “They’re the most nefarious, infamous, horrible league of villains on the American continent. They’re responsible for some of the most creative and heinous crimes in the past twenty years.”
“Like what?” Yuko begins picking at her teeth.
“Come on…” I pinch the bridge of my nose and grit my teeth. “How do you not know who they are?”
Yuko picks some food out of her teeth, scowls, then flicks it at me. “Can you name any Triads or Yakuza families?”
“... No.”
“Thought so.” Yuko rolls her eyes. “Shut your ass up.”
“Anyway.” Vivian claps her hands and smiles. “It depends on who you ask. There’s a lot of reports, but it’s hard to know what’s real. Some people theorize The Elite have infiltrated several governments and even control some regional economies. Others say they’re just wacky, but incredibly dangerous criminals.”
“I see…” Yuko checks her nails. “What do you think they’re about?”
“Little of column A, little of column B.” Vivian shrugs. “Sure, they’re an organization, but it’s an organization out of convenience, not of any singular ideology or friendship. Some are in it for money, some for power, some for political gain, some for just pure chaos. I think they exist, but the level of their influence and their size is… debatable.”
“So… if the Yakuza and the Illuminati had a kid, but on steroids?” Yuko yawns.
“Kinda. Depends who you ask and what you believe.” Vivian takes a deep breath and puts her hands on her hips. “They may be strong, but their lack of friendship is their biggest weakness.”
Yuko and I start laughing.
“Hey. What’s so funny about that?” Vivian starts laughing with us. “I’m being serious.”
“You’re such a dork…” Yuko pinches the bridge of her nose, but keeps laughing.
“She’s right though.” A.D. wipes his forehead. “You can’t have a real team without friendship.”
“Okay.” Yuko and I reply in tandem.
“Thank you, A.D.” Vivian presents her fist to A.D.
A.D. fistbumps her then resumes his pushups.
“I disagree.” I shake my head. “A team of friendly idiots can’t compete against a competent individual.”
“Says the unfriendly idiot.” Yuko smirks.
I sigh and adjust my mask. “Just stay out of my way…”
A.D. eventually stops doing push ups and sits down on the steps.
“Take it easy.” I yawn. “Save your strength in case anything happens.”
“I am. I just needed a little warm up.” A.D. begins stretching. “Gotta stay str-” he stops talking and looks towards the stairs. “Is that Q?”
“Who?” I turn towards the stairs.
A mountain of a man clad in a brown trench coat and a ratty-looking fedora ascends the stairs. Each step he takes makes the staircase crack and crumble. He bent his head down so his hat would obscure his face. His hands were tucked deeply into his pockets. Even Joshua looked tiny compared to this man. His arms looked like oak branches frankensteined onto him.
He reaches the top of the staircase and begins heading to the entrance.
A.D., Vivian, and I get between him and the entrance. “What business do you have here?”
“I just wanna check out the Sumerian exhibit.” The masked man insists.
“Museum’s closed.” A.D. replies. “Sorry, but we got a calling card from Origami, so no one’s allowed in right now.”
“Oh come on…” The man grumbles. “Just let me in for a little bit.”
“No.” I point my blade at him. “Why are you actually here?”
The man sighs and shakes his head. “Hey, you kids look like you’re from Aegis. S’that right?”
A.D. stands up and takes a fighting stance.
Yuko keeps her distance and puts her phone away.
Vivian puts her finger to her earpiece and stays quiet.
“What’s it to you?” Yuko blows a gum bubble.
“Nothin’. Nothin’ at all.” The man tips his hat up and looks down at us. He is wearing black and red luchador mask with flames emblazoned on the cheeks. “Just that kids like you should go home. I’d hate to see Aegis ruin another kid.”
“What are you talking about?” Vivian asks.
The headmaster’s voice rings in through my earpiece. “Everything going okay over there?”
The man locks eyes with me, but says nothing.
I reach for my earpiece, but the man rips the piece from my ear and crushes it between his fingers like a toothpick. I couldn’t even see his arm move in time to move out of the way. Dude’s like lightning.
“I’m telling you. Go home. Aegis ain’t the place you think it is.” He glares down at us.
A.D. puts his hand to his ear. “We have a possibl-”
The man slides towards A.D, keeps one hand tucked firmly in his pocket, and punches him in the cheek. His hand is nearly the size of A.D.’s head.
I wince and draw my blade. I expected to hear bone shatter and for blood to spurt out, but nothing of the sort happened.
A.D. stood there with the man’s fist planted firmly in his cheek. A.D. smiled and glowed with a bright blue aura. “Predictable!” A.D. grins, grabs the man’s arm, and swings him over his head and into the ground. The man’s hat went flying and the entrance steps became cracked and worn in an instant.
Yet, the man appeared unharmed. He looked more annoyed than anything. “Very nice. Parry this, bitch.” The man pulls out a gun from his pocket and shoots A.D.
BANG
A.D. falls backwards and a pool of crimson blood begins forming under him. Incredible. Twenty seconds in and a teammate’s already down.
Yuko stands still with her mouth ajar. Her gum falls out and sticks onto the floor. She immediately begins backing away at a frenzied pace.
Vivian begins shaking, but doesn’t take her eyes off the man.
The man stands up, brushes off his shoulders, stuffs the gun back in his pocket, and looks at us with his arms spread out. “So I’m going to tell you all one last time. Go home.”
“What do you even want here?” I point my blade at the villain.
“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you.” The man grins behind his mask.
Vivian puts her finger to her ear. “Shotoman is down! I-”
The man slides towards Vivian and winds up a punch, but before he can crack Vivian open like a carton of milk, Yuko lets out a heavy metal yell and blasts him way back across the street and into the outer wall of the Memorial Coliseum.
Vivian hunches over and resumes talking to the earpiece. “Shotoman is down. Villain is armed with a pistol and appears to have some sort of strength Tech. We need immediate medical attention.” Her eyes twitch all over the scene. She’s fidgeting like a freaking newbie. Goshdarnit this is going so horribly.
“Holy crap.” The voice on the other end begins barking orders. “Was it Origami?”
“No.” Vivian shakes her head. “Some big dude in a luchador mask. Over.” she turns back and approaches the still yelling Yuko. “Good save, Siren. Stay here and keep Shotoman and the museum safe.”
Yuko shoots her a thumbs-up and continues to yell in place, keeping the man pinned to the coliseum wall.
Headmaster’s voice rings through our headpieces. “Team Lovers come in. Retreat if you need to. I’m not losing any students on their first mission. I’ll have backup there within ten minutes.”
“You! Retreat with Siren and get Shotoman to safety! Let me handle this.” I sharpen my blade and begin running towards the Coliseum. Finally, my time to shine.
“Screw that! I’m going with you!” Vivian catches up and begins running beside me. “I’m not letting a friend go in alone!”
“No! Stay back!” I turn to her.
“Screw you! I’m coming!”
“You’re just going to get in the way!”
“Get down!” Vivian dives off to the side.
“What?!” I look back in front of me and see a car flying at me as if it just got launched out of a cannon. I swing my blade and cut the car clean in two. The two halves fly right by me and crash into the staircase behind me. “What the…” I look up and see the man strutting through Yuko’s sonic voice. He looks like he’s walking through a hurricane, but walking towards us nonetheless.
“I tried to warn you. I really, really tried.” He throws off his hat and begins unbuttoning his trench coat. “But you wouldn’t listen. Maybe you’ll understand my message in violence, because violence is the universal language.” He tears off his coat and reveals a body that looks like an Aztec god. Imagine a massive, throbbing bulge barely concealed by shiny, black shorts. Fantastic. “Now I will show you what happens to those who dare to cross El Oso.” he flexes his oily biceps to the applause of an invisible crowd.
“What the…?” I glance around. “Where’s that applause coming from?”
Despite how cool he looks, I cannot let this menace run around the streets. I approach El Oso from outside Yuko’s voice tunnel and begin slashing at him.
“Cute toy, gringo.” El Oso laughs and dodges past each of my slashes with minimal effort. “Did your mommy buy that for you?”
“My dad did! And I love it very much, you bastard!” I thrust at his solar plexus and barely manage to penetrate him. I can only get the tip of my blade in before my arms nearly give out. What on earth is this man made out of?!
“Adorable.” He smirks before breaking my sword in half with a single elbow strike.
“Not again!” I stumble backward with my broken sword and sharpen what’s left of it into a dagger.
He licks the blood off the side of his elbow and begins walking towards me once more. “What’s the matter, ya little bitch? Scared without your little sword? Go home and cry to you-”
Before he could continue, an enormous hand came flying from the side and slapped him back into the wall of the Coliseum. I look off to the side and see Vivian holding her enlarged arm next to a shrunken car.
“You’re… welcome…” Vivian looks at me before shrinking her hand back down. She looks like she’s stabilized a little, but is still sweating and shaking like a civvie.
“Good shot. Now stay back.” I run towards El Oso. I need to gut this pig before he causes any more damage.
Yuko’s voice stops. She falls to her knees, clutches her throat, and catches her breath.
Looks like I won’t have that… How am I going to fight this bastard? I can’t get near him without him tearing me in half… And my sword doesn’t look like it’s doing much good either…
El Oso pries himself from the Coliseum wall and resumes walking towards me.
Vivian walks next to me with still enlarged hands. I don’t like the way they look. Her pockets also look like they’re filled to the brim with… something. She punches her fists together and takes a fighting stance.
“If you’re here, you better have a darn good plan.”
“I’m working on it.” Vivian takes a series of short, unsteady breaths.
“Damn kids.” El Oso rubs the back of his neck. “Why can’t you little craps just leave me alone?”
“Because I have a job to do.” I point my dagger at him. “I won’t let anyone get in my way.”
Vivian reaches into her pocket.
“Very cute.” In an instant, El Oso leaps towards Vivian with his arms outstretched like a bear about to tackle prey.
For some reason that I cannot comprehend, my legs move. My brain doesn’t think. My heart stops. My body thrusts itself between Vivian and El Oso.
El Oso wraps his meaty arms around me and stares me in the eye.
I can’t move my arms. I feel my organs begin to twist and shift under his grasp. My ribs bend until they’re concave. I can’t breathe. My eyes feel ready to pop out of my head at any given time.
“Huh.” El Oso looks at me. “If you insist.” He carries me horizontally above his head like a ragdoll and jumps high into the air.
I scream. I struggle. I cry. I cannot move. Each second I yell, more and more precious air escapes my lungs. It isn’t long before I run out of tears and breath. I want to scream. I want to cry. I just want to move. I can’t die here. Dad… I’m sorry… Help… I’m scared...
“Crimson! Bloody! Hurricane!” El Oso comes flying back down onto the street. Upon impact, he crashes the base of my spine against his knee.
Crrrrrrrrack
My skeleton is snapped in half like a piece of dry spaghetti. All feeling evaporates from the lower half of my body. My torso falls forward out of El Oso’s grip and dangles cinches from the pavement. The last thing I see before my vision fades is Vivian looking at me with hollow eyes, pale cheeks, and a soft, shaky smile.
I… hate her… and myself…
Vivian
September 6th, 2007. 7:10 p.m. Sunset. Two teammates are incapacitated. One is recovering. There is a big, greasy, luchador approaching me. This mission is going very, very, very poorly. Calm down… calm down… you asked for this. Now or never. Gotta consider your options here… think… think while running away and screaming at the top of your lungs, but think. His Tech’s obviously super strength and endurance… so even if I were to shrink him, his strength would likely be the same. Not like I can even have time to shrink him or grow myself bigger. He’s hot on my butt. Even if I were to grow huge, I’d just be making myself a bigger target for him… What can I do…
I slide over a crashed car and continue running.
“Awwww what’s a matter?” Oso does the same and keeps following me.
The hell’s he doing? He moved way faster before. Either he’s getting tired… or he’s toying with me. I don’t have time to tell which it is because I can’t stop and look at him. I just know he’s very, very close behind me and I don’t like that. I can even smell his breath curling over my shoulders.
“Hahaha! That’s right! Run you little bitch!” Oso laughs. “Not so tough without your precious little teammates are you?”
The sun has set. Now only moonlight illuminates the city.
I decide to ignore that. As I’m being chased between the Coliseum and the Museum entrance like a rat, I see crowds of people begin to watch and record our encounter from a safe distance. “What the hell are you guys doing?!” I wave my arms in a frenzy. “Get out of here! It isn’t safe!”
“Nah man.” Said one onlooker. “This is rad! Come on! You got him!”
“She really doesn’t.” Oso stopped running and pointed at the crowd. “And neither do any of you L.A. idiots!” he shot them all two thumbs down. “Never in my entire life have I seen a bigger, uglier group of complete degenerates!”
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“BOOOOO!!” The crowd begins booing and tossing chunks of concrete and other debris at Oso.
“Bwahahaha! Is that all you puny west coasters can manage?!” Oso flexes and the debris bounces harmlessly off him. “My grandma can put up a better fight than you, and she’s dead!”
Is… is he selling?
“Everyone! LEAVE! NOW!” I wave my arms. “It isn’t safe!”
“Quiet, wench!” Oso rushes towards me and winds up a punch.
I move to dodge it, but I feel myself get pulled backwards towards the museum by a powerful vortex.
“WHOAWHOAWHOA!” I fly backwards and look behind me. Yuko is standing by the museum entrance sucking me in towards her.
Yuko catches me and rolls me and her over to a nearby patch of grass next to A.D. “You idiot. The hell are you doing?”
“My hero.” I give her a quick hug.
“Jackass.” Yuko shoves me to the ground. “Stay here.” She stands up and blows the crowd away with another heavy metal yell.
“No!” Oso’s voice cracks. “You whore!” he points to Yuko and sprints towards us. “You stop that right now!”
“Piss off!” Yuko blows him back with another yell and pins him to the Coliseum wall once more.
Oso struggles against Yuko’s voice, but still manages to break free and resume his strut towards us. It takes him a noticeably longer time to start walking towards us though. “You little slut…” Oso curls his fingers into his palms. Blood begins oozing down his fingers and onto the street. “I will murder and destroy every last thing this city holds dear…” he pulls out another gun from his shorts and begins firing at people fleeing the scene. One by one, fleeing bystanders collapse onto the concrete.
I grit my teeth and feel my arms and legs begin to shake. I’m going to kill him. I don’t care what it costs me. This bastard’s dying tonight.
“How’s the fight going?” A.D. sits down next to me. “Are you winning?”
“Shotoman?!” I fall backwards and immediately lock eyes with him. He’s holding his right hand with his left. If it wasn’t for his hands being soaked with blood, he’d look like he just had a bad hangnail. “What the hell?! You’re okay!”
“Yeah. He just got my hand. It hurts a lot, but I’m fine otherwise. The bullet went all the way through, so things can be a lot worse.” A.D. puts up his hand and looks at me through the wound.
“Put that down…” Yuko slaps his hand. “That’s gross.”
“Wait…” My limbs calm down and my jaw relaxes. “Why would he shoot you in the hand…? Your torso was right there.” my eyes glance back to Yuko and Oso to see that Oso is still at a safe distance from us.
“I dunno.” A.D. winces and shrugs. “Maybe he missed?”
“How do you miss that badly from that range? You’d have to be actively aiming… to hit a hand…” I scratch my temple. “Wait… why would he want to hit your hand then?” I glance over to the streets and see the people Oso shot get up one by one and hobble away. Each and every one of them are either clutching their hands or limping.
“You look pretty hot in that getup.” Oso snickers at Yuko. “What pornset did you get that from?”
“The one you were birthed on!” Yuko’s voice cracks and she begins to lose her balance. I don’t think her voice can last much longer.
“Beating me won’t make your parents love you.” Oso looked ready to collapse, but still marched onward.
“SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!” Yuko’s voice cracks once more and a bit of blood trickles down her lip.
“Hahaha…” Oso grinned, straightened his stance, and resumed walking towards Yuko with greater ease. Her voice now looked no more troubling to him than a light breeze.
“Wait…” My eyes widen and a devious smile takes hold of my face. “Shotoman... I think I know what his Tech is. The selling, intentionally missing vital organs, the taunting, the foul language… his strength could be dependent on hatred.”
“Or he’s just a weirdo.” A.D. comments.
“Do you have any better ideas?”
A.D. looks at the floor like he’s trying to do a thousand math problems at once.
“What happened to our backup?” I scan the environment and find no Aegis staff or police.
“I overheard them having to respond to a ‘Lucky Clover’ incident.” A.D. grunts and presses down on his wound. “Whatever that means…”
“Oh, shoot. Clover’s going nuts again?”
“HEY!” Yuko yells at us. “Are you bitches going to help me out or what?!”
“Siren!” I cry back. “He gets more powerful the more you hate him! Just chill out!”
“That’s stupid!” Yuko’s standing on one knee, has one eye closed, and has her entire chin and lips smeared with blood. Her eyes are bloodshot and her chest is throbbing. Her body twitches as a last ditch effort to stay conscious.
“Do you have any other better ideas?!”
“...” Yuko falls to her knees, but supports herself with one hand. “You’re lucky I don’t…” she turns back to Oso. “Hey… you don’t seem half bad… Wanna just talk this out? What were you going on about with the school?”
“It’s too late for that, bitch.” Oso began jogging towards us. He’s breathing heavily and starts clutching his chest. “You chose to fight, now let’s finish this.”
“You really aren’t that bad a guy.” I help Yuko up with my gross hulk hands. “You really must be a good shot to intentionally miss major organs, arteries, and bones.”
“W-what?!” Oso looks towards me. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about…”
“I really appreciate you not killing me.” A.D. forces a smile. “I’m sure I’ll heal nicely.”
“Forget this…” Oso pulls out his gun and fires at me, but no bullets come out.
“Dammit all…” Oso drops the gun and begins pounding his chest. “You idiot… good for nothing…”
“The hell are you doing?” Yuko grimaces at Oso. “You spazzin out or something?”
“You’re weak…” Oso mutters. “Useless… can’t even do a simple job right…” Oso pounds himself over and over and over. Deep purple bruises begin spreading throughout his body. “Worthless… worthless trash… just like mama always said you were…” Oso’s muscles and vitality were slowly, but surely returning to him. “All this power… and you still can’t save anyone…”
“Guys…” I put my hand in my pocket. “Stay back. Hide. I have an idea.”
“You-” A.D. turns to me.
“Trust me. It’ll work out just fine. Go and try to get help for Diablo. Got it?”
Yuko glares at me then sighs. “I’m too tired to argue… have fun…” she trudges away with A.D. around the back end of the museum as Oso continues battering himself.
“You feeling okay there, dude?” I fish out a shrunken stop sign no larger than my palm from my pocket and begin walking down the staircase next to the handrail. I hold the stop sign in my left hand and make sure to keep an eye on the handrail at all times.
“Shut up…” Oso’s face grows an eldritch shade of red and purple. Looks like he may have popped a few dozen blood vessels. Maybe more. “I’m not going to let some Aegis lap dog insult me.” he begins sprinting at me with his usual, incredible speed.
If I listen carefully, I’m almost certain I can hear muscles flailing and bones snapping. Don’t blink. Don’t close your eyes. Don’t look away. The moment you take your eyes off him is the moment you die… I just began to notice my breath is erratic and I’m oozing sweat. I watch Oso sprint at me full speed. As he draws closer, I adjust the angle of the stop sign.
“No no no!” I yell and begin running backwards up the staircase. “Stay away from me!” I yell. “Get back!”
“Or else what? Huh?” Oso breathes and glares at me like a wild boar. “What’s a little runt like you gonna do?” He quickly closes the distance between us with every step. I can’t tell if his steps are causing the ground to shake or if my legs are about to give out.
20 feet
15 feet
10 feet
I fall on my back on the staircase. The back of my head collides with the edge of a stair and my knuckles bang against the handrail. “No no!” I begin to cry. “Please don’t! I’m sorry!”
5 feet
“You’re too late!” He does a short hop above me and winds up a skull shattering punch.
“Gotcha.” I grin and grip the handrail. The handrail beside me shrinks rapidly. The stop sign grows out of my hand, shoots up, and impales Oso clean through his chest. A sea of blood envelops me. His body goes limp and his head falls lifeless, but his body still slides down towards me. As I bathe in his blood, my head falls backward once more and my body falls limp… I can’t breathe… but I’ve never felt more alive.
“Bitch…” Oso coughs blood and slowly lifts his head to face me. His face showed no emotion, just a desire to see me dead. He wraps his fingers around my neck and begins to squeeze the life out of me.
“Die… damnit…” I glare back at him and churn his insides with the stop sign.
In an instant, even the desire to kill me evaporates from him. His skin goes cold. His eyes grow empty. His body flies off the stop sign and plops into the street.
What? Before I can even speak, my own body flies into the air and hangs like a marionette. My limbs twist and churn. I can hear my bones cracking out of their sockets. I cannot even recognize my own body. Even calling it a body is a bit generous at this point. It looks more like a pile of limbs than anything remotely functional. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to die. No matter how I try, words cannot escape my lips. Tears cannot escape my eyes. An immense, eldritch, unfathomable chill spreads throughout my body and seals my throat shut.
Just as quickly as it came in, the cold leaves me and drops me back at the museum’s entrance on my back. Warmth returns to my body and I can talk once more. Tears finally burst free from my eyes and sensation returns to my body.
I see Oso fly away into the distance. Somehow, I manage to put my finger to my ear. “Mission… complete… The museum is safe… El Oso has been... repelled… Emergency medical treatment is needed… please…”
I hear A.D.’s voice chime in from the other end of the line. “Seriously?! Holy crap, You! Way to go! Headmaster’s on her way personally to get you and Diablo! We’ll be there in 5 minutes!”
“Good…” My arm collapses and I look up at the moon. No matter what’s happened, no matter where I am, no matter when I am, the moon’s always there looking out for me… Thanks moon…
Sejong
September 6th, 2007. 7:05 p.m. In a van going to downtown L.A. Janelle’s gazing out the window. Angela is playing… I believe it was called The World Ends With Two. I’m likely butchering the name so don’t quote me on that. Josh is adjusting these holsters he keeps along his chest. Each holster holds different things. He’s got one for needles. One for throwing knives. One for his baseball. One for piano wire. His outfit’s outstanding. Well, it would be if he wasn’t covering it in this big indigo hoodie. He looks completely unsuited for it. Like a big guard dog in an ugly holiday sweater. We’re all dressed up in boring masks and drab university jumpsuits. Who designed these? I want to gently persuade them to make something less embarrassing.
The door slides open and the driver motions for us to get out. “Shift’s up at 10. Meet back here then or find your own way home. Dismissed.”
“Got it.” Josh fastens his holsters, pulls the hood over his head, and taps Angela on the shoulder. “C’mon, Angela. Eyes up.”
“Kay.” Angela groans, shuts up DS shut, and follows Josh out of the van.
I exit the van and hold the door open for Janelle.
“Thank you.” Janelle takes my hand and helps herself out.
The van door slides shut and the van zooms off, leaving us alone.
Where are we even? I can’t find a street sign, but I can see the Staples Center in the distance. The only other landmark that stands out is a billboard with a petite white woman on it. She’s missing a tooth, looks like she hasn’t bathed in a month, and has a face littered with freckles. She’s winking with her tongue sticking out while holding a can. “Corn-chan Corn Chowder: Available Now!” The billboard reads. “Enough nutrients to feed a small village in every can!” Upon closer inspection, it’s hard to tell if she’s a woman or a girl. Her face looks thirty, her eyes look forty, but her body looks petite as if it were deprived of nutrients for a prolonged period of time in the past. Her smile looks like she’s defying a great evil being just to stand, yet her gaze is completely unfocused… Yet I find myself getting lost in her dark green eyes. They’re like two small corn fields gazing into my soul. Everything about this woman’s aesthetics is contradictory. Her teeth are yellow, but her smile is radiant. Her eyes are hollow, but overflowing with earnestness. Her arms look weak enough where I feel like they would snap if I accidentally bumped into her, but she’s gripping that can with the fury of a thousand deities. She is a living, walking, paradox… and I cannot look away.
Angela rests her head on my shoulder and looks up at the billboard with me. “Into pettanko, huh?”
“Pettanwhat?” I snap back to my senses and look down at Angela.
“Focus, Angie. Focus.” Josh picks her up by the hood of her jacket and keeps walking.
“So…” I catch up with Josh. “Anyone know anything about this Origami woman that wasn’t covered in the briefing?”
“I hear she got big titties.” Angela grins.
“Ang - I mean - Glitch!” Janelle exclaims.
“It’s true.” Josh shrugs and cups his chest. “I’ve seen her before. 100% enormous chest beefers.” He puts Angela down beside him.
“Very well.” I nod. “I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for any large breasted women.”
“I prefer the term ‘massive tracts of land’.” Angela walks beside Josh with her hands behind her head.
Janelle rubs her forehead. “Can we change the subject?”
“We can when you tell us what your favorite name for boobs are.” Angela insists.
“Why would you need to know that?”
“Consider it a team building exercise.” Joshua flashes a bright, damn perfect smile.
“Just boobs.” Janelle sighs. “Why would we need a different term? Boobs work just fine enough.”
“Mmm. No.” I shake my head. “Synonyms are necessary for any language.”
“How so?” Janelle looks at me.
“If you were going in for a breast exam, would you prefer the doctor say ‘Please present your breasts’ or ‘Aight, take out your tits’?”
“...” Janelle pauses. “Fair enough.”
As we’re walking, Josh keeps glancing around us from time to time.
“Hey, Count. Are you worried about something?”
“No.” He looks down at me. “Prudence never hurt anyone though.”
“Aye. True.”
As we turn the corner, two rough looking men sprint into Josh and fall over.
Josh merely stumbles backwards.
They appear panicked and armed. One of them is armed with a gun my grandad used to keep under his pillow. Unless the other one has a geometric penis, their weapon appears to be stored in their shorts. Their fashion sense is just awful. Though if I were drenched in sweat and dirt and just bumped against Josh’s pectorals, I’d probably look awful too.
“Are you two okay?” Josh looks down at them and offers a hand.
“Get out of our way! Luck-” one of the men peers at Josh. “Joshua?!”
“God damnit.” Josh draws a knife from his side holster and prepares to jam it into one of them.
One of the men retaliates by drawing their gun and aiming at Josh.
Before either of them can murder the other…
THOOMP
A grenade rolls near us.
All of us split up and run away as far from the grenade as we can. Except Josh. Josh pulls the grenade to him and chucks it high into the air with an impeccable baseball pitch.
BTOOM
The grenade explodes real high and manages to not hurt anyone or damage any property. Some fragments bounce against some walls and cars, but barely manage to dent them.
“Oooh…” Angela stops and looks up at the explosion. “Pretty.”
He’s so freaking cool...
“Don’t worry about it.” Josh pulls out his baseball and slides behind a car. “Just get low until we know what the hell’s going on.”
“HAHAHAHAAA!” A gorgeous voice rings from high upon a two story rooftop.
I look up and see an athletic-looking woman with long, curly red hair. Pale skin. Freckles. Strong legs. Real strong legs. Looks like she just jumped out of a magical girl anime. 100% cotton white school shirt. Heels that looked like they could stab someone. Equipped with a bright emerald skirt that conceals nothing. She even has green and white striped panties. Normally I’d scoff at the overreliance on one color, but she makes it work by going all the way with it. More importantly however, I see an assortment of kitchen cutlery and firearms strapped to the underside of her skirt. Green lipstick. Green eyeshadow. Green green green. Her ears are decorated with gorgeous emerald gold earrings. To top it all off, she even has a cute little diadem on her head. A true, blue - er, green - magical girl. A magical girl wielding a bedazzled M79 grenade launcher.
“Evildoers near and far!” She begins reloading. “For the peace and love of Los Angeles, I command all of you to stop fighting!”
“Oh my god her cosplay’s amazing…” Angela pulls out her phone and takes a photo of her.
“Who are you?!” Janelle began concocting a fireball in her hands.
“I am Lucky Clover! Protector of Los Angeles! Guardian of all that is cute, pure, and lovely! Now stop fighting or I’ll do to all of you what Furbaide did to Medb!”
Joshua presses his finger to his ear. “Yeah… uh… we just detected a self-proclaimed hero named Lucky Clover. What do?”
Headmaster nearly splits my eardrum in two as she roars into our earpieces. “Forget the mission! Get out of there!”
“Guys!” One of the men hides behind a parked car. “Joshua’s here!”
“WHAT?!” Several people on the street draw guns and point them at us. Even some people inside poke their heads out of windows and join in on the aiming.
“Yeah… um… a lot of people really really insist on fighting.” Josh continues.
“Count…” Angela pulled her DS out and handed it to Josh.
“Yeah, get in.”
Angela digitizes herself and hides inside her DS.
Josh stuffs the device into his back pocket.
“Nuh uh uh!” Clover pulls out another grenade launcher from her cleavage and aims it at the guys’ cohorts. “Everyone lay down your arms, or I’ll teach you the beauty of peace! By force!”
One of the men looks at Clover, then back at Josh, then back at Clover again. “Worth a shot!” With that, the street erupts into chaos. Gunfire, explosions, and expletives I didn’t even know existed turned the street into a bullet carnival.
“NO! FIGHTING! IN! MY! NEIGHBORHOOD!” Clover began blasting dudes away left and right. She didn’t even bother reloading between each fire. She just dropped the launchers and pulled new ones from her shirt. How many is she hiding in there?!
I duck under a car next to Josh and disguise myself as a spare wheel. “How’re you doing?”
“Just fine thanks for asking.” Josh says as he throws out a bunch of knives.
“HA! You mis-” thump.
I see a dude across the street fall down with a knife sunk into the back of his head.
Joshua reaches his hand out under the car, pulls the knife back towards him, and wipes the blood off on a nearby tire.
I look over to Janelle and see she’s no slouch either. She threw out a thick line of fire 12 feet high in the middle of the street to try and contain the carnage. She’s shivering. I can hear her teeth clacking, but she’s doing it. Every now and then she hits a person with a fireball and looks away. After hearing the person writhe and scream on the pavement for a few seconds, she recalls the fire and watches them flee the scene.
This is going to look very poor on our part.
After what I hope is the most chaotic five minutes of my life, everyone still alive fled. 25 lie dead across the street. Some had stab wounds, but most suffered injuries from ballistics. Skin burst wide open. Bodies littered with burns and shrapnel… but no one looks like they’re dead from burns, so that’s good on Janelle’s part. I do my best to avoid looking at it.
Janelle recalls all her fire and stops shivering.
“You okay?” I whisper.
“Yeah…” pigment slowly returns to her cheeks. “How bad does it look?” She hugs herself and rubs her arms.
“It’s… just don’t look, okay? It’s bad.”
Janelle closes her eyes and leans her head backwards against the wheel of a car.
Lucky Clover jumps down from her rooftop branding a shotgun. “Are you three enemies of peace as well?” She aims it at us. “Defilers of love?”
I get a horrible idea and crawl out from under the car. I morph myself into an edgy version of Lucky Clover. Any white on her outfit was replaced with a stark black. And cute soft frills became sharp, cool spikes. “Lucky Clover… We meet at last…”
“You… you fiend…” Clover keeps her gun aimed at me, but her finger off the trigger. “Who are you? And why do you look like me?!”
“I am your other half… Unlucky Clover!” I strike a badass pose. “I am the hatred to your love. The darkness to your light. We are two halves of the same whole. If I die, so do you…”
“You’re the other daughter foretold by the Lucky Tapestry…” Clover bites her lip. “Whatever you have plotted, I won’t allow you!”
wooooooooo… woooooooooooo…..
Police sirens draw close.
“Damn…” Clover stuffs the shotgun back into her shirt. “Agents of lawful evil approach… I shall flee for now… but you… we shall meet again. Los Angeles will not crumble to your dark influence!” she points at me before doing a dramatic pose and zooms off in a green blur. A gust of wind nearly pushes me off my feet and four leaf clovers fall where she once stood. It’s not quite super speed… but it’s way faster than any olympic runner I’ve seen.
I slowly morph into a more feminine, less goth form. “Thank god that’s over…”
“Uh…” Josh looks at me. “How did you know that would get her off our back?”
“I didn’t. It seemed like it would make sense to her.”
Janelle leans on the car and slowly stands up. “What time is it now?”
Josh looks down at his watch. “Seven.”
“Uuuugh…” Janelle rests her head against the hood of a car.
An Aegis van with a shabby looking police light slapped on top of it skids to a stop in front of us. The van door opens up with the Headmaster waiting for us. Coffee in hand as always. “Get in. Now.” she beckons us and we pile in. Headmaster pulls the police light inside the van, shuts the door, and speeds away before the police arrive on the scene.
Jimmy
September 6th, 2007. 7:56 p.m. I don’t really know where I am at the moment. Could be dead. Could be sleeping. Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that I’m transparent and floating around in some weird black void. It’s kinda peaceful if I’m being real, but I’m gonna get bored real quick if nothing cool happens. Last thing I remember is being impaled by a stop sign. Heh… that’d be real embarrassing if I was alive. It’s a good thing I’m not. I can finally die and be with the one I-
shoop
I feel someone clench my stomach and drag me back into my body at light speed. Imagine someone tying your body from the inside to a rocket and that rocket reaching top speed instantly. Feels like that, but way more relieving. I come screeching to a halt just as quickly as I started moving. I wake up sitting in a kitchen chair in the safe house. Same humble walls. Same floorboards. Same Oliver and Doc looking all concerned at me like usual.
“Jimmy?” Doc pulls her hand away from my stomach and cups my cheek. “Are you okay, my boy?”
“Eh?” I look down and feel my chest. No injuries. No holes. No pain. Just a little discomfort and a stupid thick trail of blood leading out the door. “Uh… yeah…” I can’t help but continue to rub my chest. I know I’m fine thanks to Doc… but I always feel empty after she heals me. It’s like my brain knows it should be feeling something, but isn’t. My body doesn’t feel like it belongs to me.
“You had me worried there, youngling.” Oliver shakes his head, but still smiles like a grandpa. “What do you remember?”
“I remember… hm…” I rub my manly stubble. “I was fighting at the Coliseum, but got owned by some tan tomboy. Am I missing anything?”
Doc shakes her head. “No, no. Your account matches up perfectly with Junko’s.” Doc’s hand travels down to my knee and a small green light shines from my leg.
Aaaah… oh yeah. That’s the stuff. Didn’t even know my knee was jacked up. “That’s good. Feels like she carried all my organs back too.” I press into my chest. I’m no doctor, but it feels like everything’s in there. I think. “Thank you, Doc… I’m sorry to keep relying on you like this.”
“It is no worry.” Doc smiles. “You are safe and that’s what matters.”
“Boss…”
“But what about the body?” her smile fades into her usual expression. “Were you able to retrieve or destroy it?”
“Nah.” I shake my head and rub my temple. “Wasn’t even able to get into the museum thanks to those brats.”
“Curses…” Doc rubs her stomach. “That makes things… complicated… What about Junko?”
I hear her voice whisper in my head. “Junko says she could get into some of the buildings, but couldn’t find where they were setting up the displays. Says she felt some incense and holy energy nearby.”
“Darn.” Doc sighs. “Looks like museums are finally adopting anti-ghost measures… it was only a matter of time I suppose. What about the mole?”
A woman slides in through a crack in the boarded up window behind Doc. Her body stretches and contorts to be thinner than a toothbrush and no wider than a dime before morphing back into a tall, slender, pale woman. “I unfortunately couldn’t get any good information on getting in either.” She puts her four arms on her hips. “All of the security guards were badasses so I couldn’t fight or interrogate any of them, I couldn’t figure out any passwords, and I couldn’t fool the biometrics either.”
“Did you try sliding under the doors or in through the vents?” Doc asks.
“I did. I couldn’t find the body.” The woman shrugs. “I overheard some guards talking about some part of the collection being sealed off in vacuum tight containers. I can’t slide into one of those no matter how small I compress myself.”
“Blast it all…” Doc sighs again before reeling her head a little and regaining what little composure she lost. “That’s okay. All of you are still alive and well and that’s what matters.”
“What about the body?” I ask.
“Don’t fret about that for now.” Doc smiles. “There’s still plenty of time to fix that. We now have more pressing matters to attend to. Unfortunately.”