Rick
December 25, 1999. 9:24 a.m. Twas Christmas day and all through the house all the creatures were stirring, especially the mice. And the raccoons. And the ants. I really do wish my parents would do something about those pesky little black ants. Why do they have to be such packrats? I’m sitting in my beautiful living room besides my mommy, this year’s Christmas tree, last year’s Christmas tree, and last last year’s Christmas tree. She’s been blessing my shoulders with just her special shoulder rubs… nothing makes me feel as good as being rubbed by mommy. I need to teach my future sweetheart how to rub me like she does. My parents let me decorate the tree this year! I spent all last week designing, coloring, and cutting out Sonic, Pokemon, and Rickichu paper mache ornaments. Mommy managed to sneak some God-Jesus ornaments up on that tree there, but I was able to sneak them off to one of the older trees. This is my tree. She said I could decorate it. She needs to just butt out and let my creative juices flow. She does not even appreciate how much time I spent making that Rickichu angel for the tree top. I even added sparkles and taped a music player onto it and everything.
Under the new tree is about… uh… let’s see here. 1, 2, 3… 18… 19… I lost track, but it looks like they’re all for me. Even though it looks like I have less presents than last year, I guess I’ll take it… Meh… And I even bothered to get mommy and father something for Christmas this year too and this is how they repay me? Ugh… Father’s sitting in a chair across the coffee table from us. His hair’s all white like a wise magician-sage. He kinda looks like God-Jesus before he had his morning cup of coffee. He doesn’t look happy at all. I don’t know why he isn’t happy. It’s Christmas. Everyone should be happy! It’s the birth of our lord and savior God-Jesus and the day where I get a bunch of presents. Who wouldn’t be happy? At least mommy’s happy… she’s always happy with me. Maybe if dad learned to smile more and stopped being the angry, scary man he is, I’d like him a little better… I mean, come on, I really don’t ask for much.
Mommy taps my shoulder. “Rick, don’t you have something to give your father?”
“Huh? Well, yeah. I do. Can it wait though? I want to open my gifts first.”
“Rick.”
“What? His gifts can wait, can’t they?”
“Rick.” Mommy’s scary voice comes out.
“Alright, alright. Fine.” I sigh. “Anyway, where’s Angela?”
“She’s off at work.” Mommy rubs her temple.
“Awww… and I made her a card…” I mumble and lean back into the sofa behind me. “So inconsiderate…”
“You know, Rick. If you wanted to spend more time with your sister, you could work with her. They’re hiring bag boys right now. I have a friend who can-”
“Nuh uh. No. Way. They’d never hire me because of my autism.”
“Ain’t never stopped Angela…” Father grumbles to himself.
“Her’s is different!” I yell and bare my fangs. “She got lucky! She got the extra-high functioning autism. I just got the normal-high functioning autism.”
“Uh... huh…” Father deflates like a Rickichu balloon and closes his eyes.
“Rick…” Mommy digs her nails into my shoulder again. “Just give your father the card.”
“Eeeh! Alright alright! Here” I bring a card out from under the table and hold it out to father.
He looks at it for a moment before accepting it, taking it out of the envelope, and unfolding it. “Am I supposed to read it out loud?”
“Yeah. Read it to mom.” I hope he likes the card… I spent ten minutes on it.
Father begins reading. “I’d like to thank you all for your support and… love throughout my fantastic love quest since I still need some support in finding a boyfriend-free girl. She’ll come… hopefully. I hope ya’ll like my presents. Today I’m thinking of Christmas and remembering you all. Merry Christmas, Rick C.” His voice never does the changing and he slides the card back into the envelope.
“Moving on.” I slide out dad’s presents from under the tree and show them to him. “Now you gotta choose. They both have the same content, but you gotta choose whether you want it on DVD or VHS.”
“I dunno… I’ll take the DVD.” Father shrugs. “I don’t like VHS much.”
“So you want the VHS?” I hold the VHS towards him.
Father sighs. “Yeah, I’ll take the VHS.” he looks down at the box.
“It’s Fraggle Rock, father.” I start unwrapping the DVD. “That’s what’s on the DVD.”
“This better work on my system…” Father takes a big, deep inhale like Homer and puts the VHS down.
I keep trying to get the plastic off the DVD case, but it’s too stubborn. I put it on the table. “It will. Anyway, I’ll add the DVD to my collection later.
Mommy runs her hand down my spine. “Did ya get me sumthin’?”
“Indeed. Here.” I place a little red box with a neat little bow on top on the table next to her. “I picked it out for you.”
Mommy opens the box and pulls out a small hamster plushie. “What in tarnation is this?”
“Ish Hamtaro.” I do my cute voice. “He’s a widdle hamsta. He’s a widdle itty-bitty hamsta.”
Mommy smiles at the plushie and puts it down next to her.
Father begins opening one of the pink boxes not for me.
“Father! Don’t open that!” I almost cry, but I don’t. Only homos cry.
“Huh? Why not?” He looks down at the present tag and tries to read it. “Ain’t this addressed to me?”
“No, silly. It’s for the girlfriend that Santa’s gonna bring.”
“Oho… right….” Father’s face doesn’t change and he puts the box back down.
“Oh my goodness gracious me!” I slap my forehead. “D’oh! I almost forgot!” I bend under the Christmas tree and look for the other gift. “I got both of ya’ll something I think ya’ll will really like this.” I swiggle my booty out of the tree and place the box upon the table. “Here ya’ll go! Open it up.”
Mommy opens the box and puts a snowglobe on the table. I think she looks happy? I don’t know. It’s always so gosh-darn hard to tell. “What’s this?”
“It’s a snowglobe with me in it. Merry Christmas, mom.” I wrap my arm around her and give her a big ol’ snuggle-wuggle.
“Wow, easy there.” Mommy shoves me off her. “Don’t be breaking my shoulder now.”
“Sorry, sorry.” I pull myself off her and rotate the snowglobe around. “Lookie here. There’s even a little Rickichu in it. Me on one side. Rickichu on the other. Open my gifts now?”
“Yes. You can.” Mommy looks at the snowglobe.
“Yippee!” I throw my arms up and begin unwrapping my gifts. Let me see the tugboat… Pokemon Gold and Silver, a new Gameboy Color to replace the one I sold, a new computer for the whole family, a Gameboy Printer, SONIC ADVENTURE! OH MY GOODNESS! Five more copies of my favorite shirt, a bunch of useless cards with no money in them, a bunch of things I don’t care about, a ‘How to Find a Job You Love’ book. I could probably sell that for something… Some McDonalds gift cards, a new Nintendo 64 controller, more markers and pencils, and some more Crayola Model Magic. Wait… that… that can’t be it… Where’s the Dreamcast? Where’s the girlfriend? Santa! Why have you forgotten me!? I’ve been a good boy this year! I earned a girlfriend!
“Did you enjoy your gifts, Ricky?” Mommy asks.
I sigh. “Yeah I guess… thanks Santa…”
“What’s wrong?” Father asks.
“I asked Santa over and over to bring me a boyfriend-free girl, but he never does…”
“You can’t gift people to other people, Rick.” Father takes a deep breath.
“Why not?”
Father shakes his head, grabs his cane, and gets up from his chair. “Barb, you take care of that. I need a bowel movement.
Angela
November 27th, 2007. 1:42 p.m. Dorm room. Took a quick break to get a full gut and an empty butt. Everyone’s changed outta their suits and into normal clothes.
“Are you sure this will protect our identities in there, Angela?” Vivian asks.
“My brother thinks everyone wears the same outfit every day. He’ll have difficulty recognizing us in different outfits.”
Josh lets out a small chuckle. “Does he have prosopagnosia too or something?”
“Don’t know. Don’t care.” I stretch my arms out. “Everyone ready?”
Everyone grabs onto me and I shoot us back into the comp. A short loading screen later, we arrive back in Station Square. I popped us into an alleyway that only has this little weird ice gem called the Ice Key sitting smack dab in the center.
“Wow…” Vivian looks down at the Ice Key and feels its weight. “Hey, do you think the trains work? I wanna see if he bothered to make Ice Cap Zone.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.” I shake my head before peeking out into the streets. Everything looks the same as it did when we left. Good. “I don’t know how structurally sound this world is. I’m surprised none of us have clipped through a wall yet.”
Vivian nearly drops the key and looks back at me. “Wait. That’s possible?”
“Quite likely.” I nod. “You’d be better off thinking of this place as a shoddily made video game than a different reality.”
A disgusting grin creeps across Vivian’s face.
I know that grin. “Vivian. Don’t.”
“Check this out.” Vivian runs into the corner of the alleyway holding the Ice Key out in front of her. She starts fidgeting and pressing her back against the wall like she’s got a real bad itch.
“What’s she doing?” Sejong asks while keeping his distance.
“Just give it a sec. Humph! WAHOO WAHOO WAHOO!” Vivian starts jumping backwards into the corner. “I have to get it juuust ri-WHOA!” Vivian’s limbs begin flailing wildly in every direction. Half her body is stuck in the wall and is constantly rotating in on itself. Her body looks like a mobius tube with pool noodles vibrating off the sides. “ANGELAAAAAAA! H-H-H-Help meee!” her body starts turning inside out, but no blood or guts spurt out. Heck, none of them are even visible. The inside of her body just looks the same as the outside.
“Relax.” I cackle. “I gotchu.” I reach in and pull Vivian out.
Her body looks the same, but her eyes look like they’ve aged thirty years.
“You okay?” I pat her on the shoulder.
“Yeah…” Vivian smiles and her eyes instantly rejuvenate. “Anyone else wanna try?” She offers the key to Josh.
“Yeah… no. I’m good.” Josh takes a step back. “Let’s get going. I don’t wanna be here much longer.”
“Right.” Vivian nods, puts the Ice Key down, and follows the three of us out of the alley.
We’re greeted by a small street corner. There’s a casino to our left, an office building that pierces the heavens to the right, and the stairs up to the train station in front of us. There’s ads for ‘Chaos Cola’ and ‘Soap Shoes’ plastered along the building walls and a huge billboard that reads ‘Chaos in Space’ next to the casino. There’s just four hedgehogs and two humans standing in place. They look like they’re talking, but they’re just bobbing their heads and moving their hands every now and then. It’s so… lifeless. I don’t know if he’s trying to be faithful to recreating something or if he was just too lazy to make A.I.
BZZZZZZTCHSSSSSSNK!!!
The sounds of a microphone begging for death damn near murders my eardrums. The ‘Chaos in Space’ billboard begins to frizzle out and changes video to Rick’s Office. The video is out of focus and looks like it was shot with a crappy Playstation camera. Rick’s standing front and center with his arms around two scantily clad hedgehogs. The hedgehogs are different. Different hair, different color, different heights, but they still have the same face. They’re rubbing his man tits and are constantly licking their lips. Goddamnit Rick… You’re the reason people can’t take furries seriously.
Rick coughs into the camera and clears his throat. “Citizens of Rickville… I have a lot of people in the real world and in our community… give me hate. They give me a lot of hate. My dearest sister has just entered our wonderful city and started accusing me of murder! Me! The mayor! I just-” Rick puts on his best ‘black’ voice, “cannot believe da audacity of dat bitch! Anyway, she is going to try and spark a civil war and lead all ya’ll do-gooders down the path of hate and prickly-wricklys. Do not hate. Do not be persuaded. No matter how big her boobs are.”
I just lost the last bit of hope I didn’t know I had.
Josh nods. “You know what, Imma kill him now.”
“Josh!” Sejong whispers.
Vivian continues to laugh.
“So! In order to protect the sanctity of our fuzzy-wuzzy democracy, I will be adding new security measures. Security measure the first: Angela Cobb is hereby banished from the Cherokee Clan. Any proclamations she tries to make or any merchandise she tries to sell is counterfeit. I reserve the copyright to any and all Cherokee merchandise sold in Rickville. Security measure the second: anyone caught sympathizing or aiding Angela and her widdle fwends will be sent off to the prison camps at the city outskirts. Security measure the third: I have created a special lock over the city hall. In order for anyone to get in or out, they will need the seven Rickaos Diamonds. I have entrusted a diamond to each of my elite Ricktastic Roster members and hidden them across the most holy lands in Rickville. And now for the final and most powerful secure measure…” Rick takes a deep breath and balls his fists together. He throws his hands back before thrusting them towards the camera with open arms. “CURSE-YE-HA-ME-HAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
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Josh rubs his forehead. “Christ.”
Sejong merely looks down and shakes his head.
Vivian’s on the floor sounding like she’s going to cough up a lung.
Rick then folds his arms and stands up straight. “There! Whatcha gonna do? I just cursed you with the worst bad luck in the world. Good luck getting back to me with F-rank luck. Anyway.” his tone suddenly becomes way nicer. Obnoxiously nicer. “Remember ya’ll. Do not hate. Love everyone. I love you. Please love me. Hugs and kisses and good feelings.” he slaps the butts of his whorehogs. “Peace out.” he kisses his fingers and flashes a peace sign.
The broadcast cuts out, but Vivian’s still rolling on the ground.
“Are you done?” Sejong nudges Vivian with his foot.
“I’m trying to be.” Vivian beats her chest. “But he’s making it so hard!”
“Well, Angela.” Josh pats my head. “Any ideas as to what ‘holy land’ means to him?”
“Yep.” I scratch my head. “So hear me out… he really doesn’t know a lot of places. He’s been to the local Church, mall, Wal-Mart, Target, McDonalds, his home, high school, and college. That’s it. I guarantee all the diamonds are in those locations.”
“Well that’s good for us then.” Josh rubs his stubble. Damn it looks good… “If he’s half as predictable as he looks, we’ll have this done in no time.”
“Mmhm.” I turn to Sejong and Vivian. “Where do you guys want to go first?”
“I could go for some food actually.” Sejong raises his hand.
“Why didn’t you eat before we left?”
“I didn’t have to…” Sejong looks down and taps his fingers together.
“I’m always down for fries.” Vivian stands up, dusts herself off, and composes herself. “McDonalds sound good?”
“It’s not McDonalds…” I sigh. “It’s RcDonalds.”
“Jesus Christ. Of course it is.” Josh cackles. “RcDonalds it is I guess. Couldn’t hurt to stock up on some nuggets, right?” he pokes my tummy.
“Eehjp!” I leap back. My stomach rumbles like the little bastard it is. “RcDonalds it is.”
Josh
November 27th, 2007. 2:27 p.m. RcDonalds. It’s just a knockoff McDonalds. Same floor tiles. Same menu designs. Even the ice cream machine is broken. We’re waiting in line behind three hedgehog couples. To avoid looking at their furry, unwashed asses, I look out the window and see three more RcDonalds across the street.
Eventually we make it to the front of the line. There’s some green hedgehog looking up at us with bright eyes and a wide smile. Just… something about it makes me wanna slap that smile right off him. I’m not sure what it is.
“Hello!” he waves to us. “Welcome to RcDonalds, home of the RcBurger. How can I help you today?”
Angela looks up at the menus. “Yeah, can I just get ten chicken nuggets?”
“No ma’am.” the hedgehog shakes his head. “Sorry, girls can’t order chicken nuggets.”
“Why the hell not?” Angela sounds ready to murder something.
“Because they aren’t on the girls’ menu.” the hedgehog points to the menus above. One of them is blue. One of them is pink. The blue menu has burgers, fries, chicken nuggets, and ice cream. The pink menu has three different kinds of salad. “If you want to order something off the girls’ menu, I’d be happy to take your order.”
“I will-”
I gently brush Angela aside and walk up to the counter. “I’ll take ten nuggets.”
“Thank you kindly, sir. Will that be all?”
“Nope. Can I get uuuuh ‘Extreme Zap Burger’?”
“Absolutely. Any drinks?”
“Water, please.”
The hedgehog looks like I just pissed on him. “Why would you drink that when we have soda?”
“Because I want water… How do you guys not have water?”
“We just don’t.” The hedgehog crosses his arms. “Pick a different drink.”
“Never mind.” I shake my hand. “That’ll be it for me, oh, wait. Can you put some pickles on my burger?”
The entire restaurant falls silent. I can feel about two dozen heads turn to look at me. The hedgehog in front of me looks like I just fed his mother to him.
“Why… Why would you want pickles on your hamburger?” the hedgehog starts twitching.
“Why wouldn’t I? Pickles are good, bruh.”
“You homo! How dare you defile our establishment with your sinful desires!” he starts trying - and failing - to slap me.
“The hell are you talking about?” I step backwards just out of his slap range and watch him tire himself out after just six slaps. “I just want some pickles. Chill out.”
“Pickles are duck-shaped, therefore you like ducks!”
The restaurant’s silence is destroyed by another one of Vivian’s laughing fits. “IT JUST KEEPS GOING!”
“Fine. Forget the pickles.” I shake my head. “Just quit freaking out and get me my food.”
“No can do!” The hedgehog pulls out a phone from under the counter and begins yelling into it. “Hello, 911? Send in your strongest jerkops! We have a loose homo!”
“Oh come on.” I groan. “Angela, can I pop him?”
“It’s better that you don’t…” Angela tugs on my jacket.
“Why’s that?” I look to my right and see a bunch of twelve foot tall dudes decked out in mall cop attire. Each of them look really fat and ugly. Real ugly bastard material. None of them are armed oddly enough.
“Alright, kids.” One of the cops punches his fists together. “How do you prefer to be tried?”
“Singing competition!” Angela raises her hand.
Me, Sejong, and Vivian all look at her like she just sold us out for a can of cola.
The cops all smile in unison before a voice violates my ears.
“Oooooooh.” An unfamiliar voice echoes through the restaurant. “So you four brave warriors decided trial by song… how honorable of you.”
I… Oh… Oh... Jesus Christ. The voice sounds… Well. Um. Let’s just say saying ‘Chingchongdingdong’ for five minutes would have sounded less offensive.
The cops part and this yellow Rickichu comes walking in. Closed eyes, fu manchu down to his chest, and a big old bamboo hat on his head. “You four are quite brave for choosing trial by song. No one has made it out alive… My name is Yellow Rickichu. It is an honor to meet you.” He bows and - I swear to Christ - a goddamn gong reverberates through the restaurant.
Vivian’s laughter fit now sounds like air slowly being let out of a balloon. Her face is red again. Girl must be getting one hell of an ab workout.
Angela turns to Sejong. “I am so sorry.”
Sejong just rests his hands on his head. “He… doesn’t know any better. It’s fine.”
“May the competition… begin.” Yellow Rickichu pulls a katana out of his ass and slices reality around us. The RcDonalds fades away and we are transported to some kind of enormous stage. There’s blue and yellow lights flashing everywhere and we’re in front of an audience full of hedgehogs of every color. Directly in front of us are six huge chairs that are facing towards the audience.
A screeching microphone pierces the air again and Rick’s voice curses the stage. “Hello ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, and dudes of all teenages. My name is Rick Cobb. I’m here and ya’ll are there. I am your lovely host for this evening! It is time for Rickville’s favorite pastime: Sing! That! Song! Our judges tonight incluuuuude Red Rickichu!”
One chair turns around and reveals a red hedgehog with spikes on his fists. He’s sitting with his legs up on the armrest and has a shirt with Rick’s face on it. “Hello, pretty ladies! I look forward to judging you.”
“White Reginachu!” another chair turns around revealing a white hedgehog with a halo over her head. She’s dressed like a slutty nun with her tits out and a bunch of makeup shot on with a shotgun. They don’t look like tits at all. They look like they have cereal bowls shoved inside them. “May your song and voice bring us all peace and love…” she nods and blows us a kiss.
“Black Rickichu!'' The next chair spins around revealing Shadow the Hedgehog. It’s literally just Shadow. Same jet boots. Same tuft of chest fur. Same hot sauce hair spikes. He’s sitting with his arms crossed and just looks at us like he’s judging us.
“Blue Reginachu!” another chair spins around revealing a blue hedgehog with bubbles bouncing off the top of her head. She looks just like White Reginachu, but without the nun outfit. She’s just naked with her legs spread wide open. And yes, the hedgehogs bother to shave for some unholy reason. “I just want my father and brothers to be happy… is that too much to ask?”
“And last but not least! Yellow Rickichu!'' The final chair spins around revealing the same racist hedgehog from earlier. He’s sitting like a normal-ass person with his hands folded in his lap. He bows once more and the gong hits again.
Part of the stage floor opens up and a pedestal slowly rises out of it. Rick is posing with a microphone in his hand. Same armor. Same greasy texture. Same BO smell. “The rules are simple!” he points at us. Some of his spit lands on my cheek. If it wasn’t for Angela, I would have popped this dude back at the office. “One of you must choose a champion to represent you. I get to choose a song you sing, then you get to choose the song that I sing! After each of us has sang, the judges will decide who wins. If you win, you go free. If I win, you will spend an eternity in my prison camps for defiling my city! Do you agree to these terms of service!”
“Yeah!” Angela calls out. “Let’s just get this over with already!”
“Okay okay you don’t have to shout!” Rick shouts into the microphone. “Calm down, crazy lady… Sheesh. Anyway, I shall choose your song first!” Rick rubs his fingers against his temples and begins stomping his feet. “I got it! You must select a champion to sing Sonic Boom from Sonic CD for the Sega CD! You have but one minute to decide your champion!” He chucks us the microphone. It misses us by a good ten feet.
I pick it up, wipe the sweat off with my jean leg, and get into a group huddle with the rest of my team. “Alright, guys. I’m not going. Who is?”
“I can’t sing.” Angela shakes her head.
“Neither can I…” Sejong looks to Vivian.
Vivian is just now getting over her most recent laughing fit. “Okay… okay… hooo… just… just give me a minute…” she pats her chest, swallows, and takes a deep breath. “Okay I’m good. I’ll do it. Love that song.” She pokes her head out of the huddle and talks to Rick. “Hey! Are there going to be karaoke screens to read off of?”
“Of course there are!” Rick nods. “No one can memorize song lyrics!”
“We got this in the bag.” Viv takes the microphone from me.
“How do you know it’s not going to be rigged?” I ask.
“I don’t. Just gotta hope for the best sometimes. Plus, Angela can just get us out if things get hairy.”
“Very true.” Angela points to Viv, then to me and Sejong. “The rest of you stay close to me in case we gotta book it.”
“Why are we even humoring him?” Sejong asks.
“This could be a trial for a Rickaos Diamond for all we know.”
“Ooooh.” Sejong smiles. “Good thinking.”
“Ding dong ching chong!” Rick taps his wrist. “Time is up!”
Vivian manages to hold in her laughter and step up front and center before the karaoke display. I know we’re in front of a bunch of lifeless npcs… but I’m getting nervous just standing up here. There’s way too many eyes on me.
The karaoke screen lights up and some background music begins to play.
Vivian keeps her eyes locked on the audiences and starts bouncing her foot to the beat. “If you’re strong, you can fly, you can reach the other siiiide of the rainbow.” she points out to the audience and starts shaking her hips in tune with the rhythm. “It’s alright, take a chance, ‘cause there is no circumstance that you can’t handle when you use your mind!” she starts to look like an amateur idol. She’s got the energy and the cuteness, but she lacks the dance moves and even the voice. Her voice isn’t bad. She’s hitting all the right tones and keeping up with the tempo, but it’s not good either. ‘Bout as bad as anyone else’s singing. “Mr. Bad’s got it good, but this ain’t his neighborhood. He’s takin’ over… no no… Time is now, he can’t hide. Find the power deep inside and make it happeeeeeen. SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM! Trouble keeps you runnin’ faster! Sonic Boom Sonic Boom Sonic Boom! Save the planet from disaster!”
I can feel my skin recede into itself.
Sejong is cringing as well.
Angela cheers her on. “Come on Viv! Work it girl! You’re doing it!”
I wish I could look that stupid in front of other people and not care. I can’t tell if Vivian doesn’t know how dumb she looks and sounds right now or if she doesn’t care. Regardless, she’s the only one of us who looks like she’s enjoying herself right now. She’s really getting into it. Like, kneeling on the floor and clutching her chest getting into it. Ninety seconds later, the song ends, Vivian gets up and thanks the audience. The audience gets up and applauds. We even got some whistles and chants going.
“Ssh!” Rick waves his arm and the crowd falls silent. “Very impressive. Very, very impressive. You’ve had your shot. Now, you shall have one minute to choose a song for me to sing.” he extends his arm down. “The microphone pleas- OW!”
Before he could finish, Vivian had chucked the microphone at Rick as if it were a hatchet. It bonked him in the head and nearly made him fall off the platform. Unfortunately, he caught the microphone before it fell off and managed to not make himself like a complete dumbass.
My team and I get into our pile once more to decide a song. Vivian’s sweaty, but she has this radiant aura coming off her. Has the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her.
“So… what’s the worst song we can think of?” I ask.
“What What In the Butt.” Angela says without a moment of hesitation.
Just as Vivian’s about to start laughing again, she clutches her side, winces, and gives Angela a thumbs-up. “Yeah… we’re going with that. No one’s coming up with anything better.”
Sejong’s eyes widen and he covers his mouth. “That… sounds beneficial to us.”
I break out of the huddle, face Rick, and point at him. “You will sing What What in the Butt.”
The audience recoils in horror. Pearls get clutched. Child hedgehogs get their ears covered. I don’t like how there’s children here. Even if they are npcs.
Rick looks like he just crapped himself. For all I know, he totally could have.
“What’s wrong?” I lean forward. “Are you chicken?”
“O-of course not!” Rick puffs out his fat chest. “I am plenty knowledgeable of butt stuff.” he winks to Vivian. “I shall demonstrate to ya’ll my mastery.”
The karaoke screen rises to meet Rick at eye level at the podium. The screen begins to glow and background music begins to play. As words begin to flash across the screen, sheer horror encapsulates Rick’s face. He looks like he forgot to put the chicken in the sink. As the song continues to play, he just fidgets in place looking around for someone to help him.
“Come on, Rick!” Angela calls out. “What kind of mayor can’t sing a simple song?”
“I am the TRUE and HONEST mayor of Rickville!” Rick’s head snaps towards Angela. “And I will prove it! No suggestive song shall stop me!” he clears his throat and looks back towards the monitor. “I said, what what, in the butt! I said, what what, in the butt! I said, what what, in the butt!” Rick’s face gets redder with each word he sings. “You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt?” Rick starts crying and coughing. Even starts stamping his feet and starts scratching his head like a goddamn meth addict. He still somehow manages to finish the entire song. Utterly static choreography, stuttered half the lines, flat out omitted some later verses. Absolutely awful. He’s probably going to win. Three and a half minutes later, the song stops, and he falls to his knees. Rick’s panting, sweating up a storm, and sounds like he’s about to vomit. I get a whiff of him… and yep. Definitely crapped himself.
Rick wipes his face with his shirt, kisses his Rickichu medallion, and bows to the utterly quiet audience. “Thank ya’ll kindly for listening to my performance. Now! The judges shall cast their votes to see who shall wi-”
Five massive signs hang suspended above the judges’ seats. One by one, they light up. Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick… Challenger.
Rick nods at the voting screens looking like a real smug sonuvabitch until he sees the Challenger vote. “WHAT!? WHO VOTED FOR THEM!?”
Yellow Rickichu raises his hand and stands up accompanied by yet another gong hit. “I… cannot vote for you, father.” he shakes his head. “Your singing, demeanor, and sportsmanship was the poorest I’ve seen. Not one aspect of your performance was honorable.”
“Honor doesn’t matter!” Rick spits at Yellow Rickichu. “The Rickville Constitution says that I cannot lose at anything!”
Yellow Rickichu’s eyes open. One’s blue and one’s green. They’re easily the least hideous things in this world. “Father… if honor does not matter… why would you make me honorable?”
“Because you’re the asian Rickichu! Asians are supposed to be honorable!”
“Ooooh Rick.” Vivian cackles and wags her finger. “You little rascal you.”
Sejong’s face collapses into his hands. Literally. I nearly gagged just seeing it.
“Still wanna spare him?” Angela turns to Sejong.
“He doesn’t know any better. He doesn’t know any better.” Sejong mutters.
“You telling us or yourself that?”
“Father…” Yellow Rickichu shakes his head and pulls a yellow diamond out from behind his back. It’s the size of my hand and piss yellow. “If you cannot be honorable… then my life has no purpose.” he turns to us. “Brave, honorable singers…” he throws the diamond to Angela.
She catches it and smiles wide.
“Take this Rickaos Diamond…” Yellow Rickichu nods to us. “You deserve it.”
“You…” Rick snaps his teeth at Yellow Rickichu like a chihuahua on cocaine. “My children. Dispose of this disgusting traitor… I can have no part in this.”
“Yes, father!” The rest of the Rickichus jump on Yellow and a cartoon fight cloud envelops them.
“Jerkops!” Rick pulls out his cell phone. “Surround the intruders! Don’t let them escape!”
“Everyone! To me!” Angela clenches the diamond in her hand and holds it outward with a big, stupid grin.
We all latch onto her.
“Chaos…. CONTROL!” Angela yells and teleports us out of the stage and back to the city’s pearly outer gates.
We all let go of Angela and she starts playing with the diamond.
Vivian starts chuckling again. “Did you have to say that to get us out of there?”
“Nah.” Angela chortles. “I just couldn’t resist.”