Rick
December 18, 1992. The mall. 4:12 p.m. Doot doot doot. Hum dee dum. I’m at the mall again with my father. I managed to convince him to buy me Sonic the Hedgehog 2. He said if I promised to get at least one B on my report card, I could keep the game. I’m definitely getting a B now… I have to. Sonic would never forgive me if I let him down. I’ll definitely start studying for five minutes every night. No. Wait… um. Let’s start at three minutes then work our way up from there, shall we?
I still can’t believe I’m finally holding it… Sonic the Hedgehog 2… the box feels… good. So, so, so, so, good. Robotnik looks so mean and scary… but Sonic still looks as cool and confident as ever. I’m so helping him defeat Robotnik, rescue animals, and save Mobius. Maybe… maybe if I get all the chaos emeralds, I can use them to summon a boyfriend-free girl
Toot toot toot. Dootilly dootilly doooooot!
From around that there corner over there, I hear the one - the only - Bernard Bear and his entourage. They’re playing a little Christmas jingle. Dunno which one it is though… they all sound the same. “Father! It’s Bernard! Can I listen to him?”
“Please.” Father nods weakly. “I’m goin’ to the food court… can I getcha anything?”
“Personal pizza please. No crusties.”
“Got it.” Father jogs away.
I turn the corner and finally gaze upon his Majesty. Fluffy, fluffy fur. Big, strong arms. Two massive blue eyes that look like little planets. They look like God-Jesus’s eyes… He swooshes and waves his conducting stick to the other smaller bears and they continue singing and playing their instruments. I wonder how the mall manages to feed these bears… where do they even find bears like this anyway? They don’t look like the bears in any school books. I’d love to get a front-row seat, but there’s a bunch of snot-nosed little kids in the way… ugh. Little kids are so rude. No matter. I’ll just use my long legs to step over them and snag a front-row seat. If they get mad… no, they won’t get mad, I have autism.
Scooch here, shuffle there, and I plant my butt down in front of the bear. Some kids make way for me. Others complain like the bullies they will surely grow up into. It matters not! My ears are filled with only the sound of Bernard’s wonderful songs! Listen listen listen. Hum hum hum. The bear orchestra soon stops.
Bernard turns to us without even moving his legs. It sounds like there’s some kind of machinery in his legs… is he a cyborg!? That’s so cool! A bionic bear! You’d never see that in the stone age! He whirrs and shutters and bends his cybernetic knees to look down at us. His mouth pops open and words fall out. He doesn’t even need to move his lips to talk… wish I had that power. I’d be so much more smarter and popular if I could do that. “Hello, boys and girls. How are ya’ll doing today?”
“GOOD!” the children yell out.
“I’M GREAT! HOW ARE YOU, MR. BERNARD?” I reply.
His beautiful eyes track towards me and blink like a camera. “I’m doing well, young man. I admire your energy. What’s your name?”
“My name is Nick Cobb. Age 10. My hobbies are Sonic the Hedgehog, Nintendo, japanime, and playing with girls. I live in-”
“Rick?” Bernard smiles. “That’s a great name. Have a Merry Christmas, Rick and a happy new year.” He winks at me before rotating his head and talking to the kid next to me.
Rick… Rick… Rick… the bear… he- he called me Rick. Not… Nick. For some reason, that name feels right. Rick. Rick. Has a nice ring to it. Sounds waaaaaaay better than Nick! I get up and start running away. I have to tell father! I see Father after only running for ten seconds… any longer and I feel like I would have exploded. “Father! Father!”
“You okay, son?” Father says after eating some pizza crust. He is carrying an ice cream cone and a personal pizza box.
“I’m more than okay! The Bear gave me a new name! I will no longer be known as Nick. It’s time for me to grow up. My name is Rick from now on!”
“Rick, eh?” Father wipes one tear from his eye. “I’ve wanted to name you that at your birth… but I had chickened out. Come with me boy, we’ll get your name changed today.”
I yell “Hip hip hooray!” and everyone looks at me. They’re probably jealous.
Angela
November 29th, 2007. 9:21 a.m. Had some root beer, cold pizza, and four big marshmallows for breakfast. Took an extra long shower just to make sure all the stank’s off me. I can’t believe I’ve forgotten that smell after all these years… Team got ready at my computer at around 10 and we dove back into the breach yet again for another day of degeneracy. We appear by the same poolside again. Same beach. Same sunset. Same girls still frolicking in the pool. Same weird floating tv monitor beside us. It’s like time never passed here.
“Why’d you have to teleport us back here, Angie?” Josh groans and rubs his neck. “Couldn’t we go somewhere closer to the next mission?”
“I wanted to see the babe-”
KZZZZZZZZRT
I am rudely interrupted by the monitor next to us. It starts screeching and the screen fizzles until the picture settles. The timestamp on the upper-left hand corner of the TV says 2:42 a.m., November 28. It’s showing a big courtroom full of - you guessed it - more hedgehogs of every color. Rick’s sitting at the judge’s seat. Dad’s the bailiff. There’s a white Rikichu dressed in some kind of slutty nun outfit with a microphone duct-taped to her chest reporting on the scene. “We hope ya’ll enjoy this re-run of last night’s trial, our true and honest citizens.'' She blows a kiss to the camera and licks the microphone. “This program has been brought to you by Axe body spray. Smells so good, you don’t even need to shower.” She winks, gives herself a quick spray, and sprints off the camera to better focus on the courtroom.
“Ooooh… yes….” Vivian swivels around on her butt to face the monitor and rubs her hands like a fly on a fresh corpse. “Let’s go.”
Sejong sighs and looks out into the sunset.
Josh simply turns around, takes off his shoes, and lets his feet soak in the pool.
Rick clears his throat, wipes his forehead with his shirt, and looks at a fly buzzing in the corner of the room for two minutes in silence.
“Um… son…?” A recreation of dad mutters to Rick in just about the most pathetic voice imaginable.
“Huh?” Rick snaps back to reality, oh there goes gravity. “Oh, yes. Thank you, father. Bring in the defendant!” Rick claps his hands then adjusts his glasses.
The doors at the end of the room swing open and a kid in handcuffs, black and white prison garb, and even a ball and chain around his ankles trudges in. His cheeks are sunken in. His eyes look hollow. His hands look like they’ve been burnt. He’s shaking. The boy is silent, but tears won’t stop leaking from his eyes. He looks no older than 12. Can’t even be taller than 5’4.
Hedgehogs covered in roman legion armor push the boy forward with spears until he reaches his chair across from Rick. No desk. No lawyer. Not even a good chair. The damn thing sounds like it’s going to snap in half every time the kid fidgets in it.
Rick leans over his chair and looks down upon the kid with just about the smuggest look a human being can make. It’s the kind of look that gets people shoved in lockers and starts international incidents. Quick tangent. I know bullying’s bad and whatnot, but some people deserve to be bullied. Rick should’ve been shoved into lockers more. “Well well well. Mighty enter- funk- interesting how the twintables have turned. Ain’t it?”
“I…” The kid’s voice cracks. Poor boy’s barely started puberty. “I don’t know what this is… please… please just let me go home… I’ll leave you alone.”
“It’s just a weeeeeeee late for that, you nimrod.” Rick takes off his glasses for dramatic effect, but drops them. “It’s time for your conscience to be judged… for your eternal life.” he shuffles some papers on his desk and bares his teeth at the kid like a rabid chihuahua. “Your charges are vicious slander of my good and innocent nature and the production and disturbi- dissatisf- distribution of lewd drawings of my copyrighted Rickichu and Reginachu original characters. How do you plead?”
“What… what slander are you talking about?” The boy can barely keep his eyes open.
“Don’t play smart with me Mr. Meanie. You kept calling me gay over the internet!”
“Dude… you showed off your anal bead collection in a video… how are you not gay…?”
“That is none of your business! Liking a little pain with my pleasure does not never make a man gay. I swear, people like you are just so ignorant that I cannot even believe it.”
“I don’t care if you’re gay… I just want to go home… please. I’ll give you money.” The boy sounds ready to cry.
“How do you plead!?” Rick takes off his shoe and tosses it at the kid. He misses completely and somehow manages to bonk the bailiff on the head.
“Fine.” The boy starts crying. “I called you gay. Can I go home now? Please?”
“No.” Rick crosses his arms and pouts like a child. “You need to be scolded. You need to get it through your damn, dirty, stupid, idoiotic, ignorant BEEPing skulls! I! Am! Straight! While you’re at it, grow up! Grow up!”
The kid’s crying intensifies.
Rick constantly looks back at his papers while talking. “Quit hiding behind your mother’s skirt! Get a BEEPing life! Listen!” Rick takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I’m kind. I’m nice. You have proven yourself to not be nice. I am ‘telligent. I am- can be fun. I’m fairly good-looking with and without the glasses. I am generous. I can be cheerful.” Rick takes a deep breath and blows his nose into his shirt. “Easy going. I. Am. A. Good. Listener. I am patient. I am upfront. I am also fairly popular. Stop. Hiding. Behind. Your. Mother’s. BEEPing. Skirt. And. Grow up! GET A LIFE!” he takes four minutes to unfold a piece of paper from his pocket. “Now for people like you who dare continue to mislabel me as dang gay, homosexual, or bisexual, ugh! Crummy paper!”
He eventually manages to free it from his pocket and show it to the boy. It’s a crayon drawing of Rick having a foursome with three women. His dong is small and bent at a really weird angle even when flaccid. Kind of looks like the L Tetris piece, but worse. The three women are labeled: ‘Cherokee Princess’, ‘Half and Half’, and ‘Regina’s Future Mother’. He’s somehow fingering all of them and still giving a thumbs-up and winking towards the camera. I can’t tell if the women are crying or moaning. There’s these weird splotches of blue crayon near their vaginas. I dunno if that’s supposed to be squirting, magical glowing vaginas, or if he’s shooting a hadoken into them. I don’t want to know. There’s also a weird stain in the corner because of course there is.
Rick taps his finger on the paper and somehow manages to yell even louder. Spit goes flying onto the boy’s face. “I’m straight! I am straight! If I see a dick, I just look away… with a moment of being freaked out! I’m so straight, I don’t even like looking at my own penis! I tell you what, if I was a homosexual or anything like that, would I be having sex with three women, huh? Look at it! Look at it! I’m having sex with three women, and you know what? The one in the middle is half-n-half!” Rick didn’t look the kid in the eye once throughout this entire tangent. He kept looking at his papers.
“Just let me go home! Please!”
“No! You had your chance to be nice. You had your chance to be like God-Jesus and the Bear, but noooo. You chose to be a damn, dirty troll… I just have one thing to say to dirty, slanderous trolls like you.” Rick puts his finger and his thumb in the shape of an L on his forehead. “You’re pitiful. You’re pitiful. You’re pitiful! It’s truuuuuue. Get it together! Move out of your basements! Dang dirty trolls! You’re pitiful!”
“I’m a kid… how am I supposed to move out?” The kid wipes tears from his eyes.
“No you aren’t…” Rick shakes his head, takes a deep breath, and sits back into his chair. “If you are old enough to call someone gay, you’re old enough to be tried as an adult. How do you plead?”
“I already told you… yeah I called you gay…” the boy sighs.
“Oh, sorry.” Rick uses his indoor voice for once. “Anyway, time to move onto the punishment.” He tries really hard to crack his knuckles, but fails.
A plush rope slowly descends from the ceiling beside Rick.
“Guilty then. One less troll to worry about.” Rick pulls the rope and the sound of a slide whistle booms throughout the room.
The boy looks around the room, but no one in there is moving towards him. Even the guards that escorted him in are just chilling by the door.
Ten seconds pass and a massive anvil with ‘1,000 tins’ painted in white on the side crushes the kid and sends his blood shooting out throughout the courtroom.
Rick simply nods, wipes the blood off his glasses, and gets out of his chair. “Court adjourned. Peace out, everyone.” The broadcast cuts off.
My team is completely silent. No shrieks. No laughs. Can’t even hear any breathing. Just. Silence. Sejong is still turned towards the sunset, but is looking down. Josh is looking up at the sky. He puts his fingers to his lips and pretends to take a puff. Vivian’s just looking at the screen with her mouth agape. I can see a sliver of blood dripping down her enclosed fist.
Sejong
November 29th, 2007. 11:34 a.m. Some forest path on the city outskirts. We couldn’t take the bus or any taxis because today is Rick’s Birthday. Everyone’s inside partying and worshipping their supreme leader. I managed to peak into some windows on our way out of the city. Did not look great. I am not a fan of that or any other arcane cult shenanigans. To make matters worse, we had to steal four bikes from a store… I know these bikes don’t belong to anyone real, but it still rubs me the wrong way. Plus I haven’t ridden a bike in a decade… I’ve already fallen off twice. The four of us are all riding parallel to each other. Angela’s on the far left. Josh is next to me on the left. Vivian’s on my right.
“You holding up okay there, Sejong?” Josh asks while riding without his hands on the handles.
“I’m… fine. Be careful. You’re going to crash.”
“Pfft. Nah I’m not.” Josh stretches his arms over his head and yawns.
“Josh. Please.” I insist. “You aren’t wearing a helmet. Please be more careful.”
“Why should I? It’s not my bike.”
“That’s exactly why you should worry.”
“Aw, come on. You’ve never stolen a bike before?”
“No! Why would I?”
“Cause everyone steals a bike at some point.” Josh continues riding with his arms limp at his sides.
“That isn’t true.” I sigh.
“I’ve stolen a bike.” Angela snickers. “Bastard in third grade named Daniel stole my Gameboy, so I stole his bike.”
“Oh come now… what about you, Vivian?”
“Well… I borrowed a bike without permission. Does that count?”
“That is just stealing.”
“I gave it back a week later. Dude probably never even missed it.”
“You are all degenerates…”
“Sejong, buddy.” Josh pats my shoulder and nearly causes me to lose balance. “The hedgehog shopkeepers aren’t real. The bikes aren’t real. Why do you care?”
“I dunno…” I shake my head. “They just feel real to me. I can’t explain why.”
“I get that.” Vivian nods. “I can never play an evil character in rpgs. I always feel too bad.”
“Thank you, Vivian.” Good to know someone here has a conscience. “How much longer do we have anyway?”
“Dunno.” Angela starts riding up a fairly steep hill. “I didn’t design this place.”
“Then why are we following you?”
Angela pats her butt. There’s a slip of paper slipping out of her butt pocket. “Because I have the map. It’s the only point of reference we have for this dump.”
“Oh… right…” I take a series of deep breaths and continue climbing up the hill with everyone else. “Hah… hah…”
“Aw, come on Sejong.” Josh cheers me on. “We’re almost there!” Josh grasps the handles and speeds off in front of everyone.
“Show off!” Angela laughs and shouts.
“Love you too!” Josh stops, wheelies around, and taunts us from the top of the hill.
I eventually reach the top after everyone else… wow… just… wow… This looks unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. The forest goes on as far as the eye can see. Hills of all shapes and sizes litter the forest. Every kind of tree is here. Palm trees, evergreens, conifers, fossil trees, ginkgos. I can see flora from all corners of the earth including flora that don’t exist on earth. There’s even a massive Christmas tree complete with hedgehog ornaments in the background. It’s the size of the mountains and covered with lights that hurt to look at even from here. The ground beneath us looks completely alien as well. The soil is in a pattern that kind of looks like checkerboard cookies. For all I know, the soil could be made out of checkerboard cookies. I am nowhere near inquisitive or desperate enough to try it.
Angela scoops some soil out of the ground and shoves it in her mouth. “Want some? It’s made of cookie.”
“Hell yeah.” Josh shoves some in his mouth too.
“No thanks.” Vivian shakes her head. “I’m full.”
“I’m good…” I distract myself by looking out at the forest again. I feel like I’m melding with the forest just by staring into it… It’s… beautiful. I must record it for preservation. This is art. I snap a picture and stuff the camera safely back into my backpack. “Well, Angela. See anything from here?”
“Yeah gimme a sec.” Angela licks cookie crumbs off her fingers and looks around. “Let’s see here… hmm… ugggh…. wait!” she points to the left. “Lookie over there. See the cathedral? That’s where we need to go.”
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
The three of us look over her shoulder and peer into the depths of the forest. I can just barely see a blue steeple with some sort of ornament at the top… It’s blurry, but I can see it.
“Yeah. I see it.” Josh says. “Ready to go?”
“Been ready.” Angela hops back on her bike and starts rolling downhill. “Woooo! Follow me ya nerds!”
We do just that. The path down to the cathedral’s fairly wide and really smooth for being made of cookies. The only thing of note on the way down was some weird wobbling cacti that kept chanting ‘plant plant plant’. Everything’s so quiet here for once. It’s rather nice…
“Yo, Sejong.” Vivian interrupts the silence.
“Whoa,” I swerve to avoid hitting a rock. “What is it?”
“Everything here is stolen from an intellectual property. Are you lost at all?”
“Not entirely.” I reply. “I know what Sonic is… thanks to Angela, and I know what Pokemon are. I keep seeing a bunch of art of anime that I don’t recognize, but that’s kind of been par for the course every time I hang out with you guys.”
“Really?” Angela asks. “Anime’s not popular in Korea?”
“Not really.” I shake my head. “Manga was banned there till 1998 and anime and japanese music wasn’t allowed to be shown without restrictions until 2004.”
“The hell? Why’d they do that?” Angela accidentally runs over a plant creature with no remorse.
“I’m oversimplifying, but Japan did some bad stuff in Korea.” I pump the brakes a little to not go flying downhill. “So the government just banned everything in retaliation.”
Vivian chuckles. “Hah… Yeah that’ll do it.”
“Well that sucks… So anime’s still kinda niche in Korea?”
“Indeed.” I nod. “Far more than it is in the States.”
“Good.” Angela grins. “Hope it stays that way.”
“What? Why? Wouldn’t you want more people to share your hobbies?”
“You’d think so, but everything gets ruined whenever the general public latches onto something. Anything that made the thing unique or interesting gets removed for mass appeal and you always get a bunch of idiots moving into your fanbase and harassing the old fans. It sucks.”
“I think you’re being a tad harsh.” I reply.
“No no.” Vivian swerves out of the way of a tree. “She’s got a point. The girls who used to bully me for liking anime are now getting into it and acting all ‘#Nerdy XD’. It’s the worst.”
“I get that…” Josh slows down a bit to join in. “I always thought the Star Battles books were way better than the movies, and no one ever talks about the books.”
“That’s because the books aren’t focus tested for the lowest common denominators.” Angela looks back at me. “I mean this in the best possible way. I hope the things you like never become popular.”
“Oh come now… I would love to have more people to discuss Korean dramas and music with.”
Vivian starts snickering. “Welp. Now you just jinxed it. Kpop’s gonna become cursed in the next ten years.”
I just fall silent and keep riding downhill.
“But…” Angela gently nudges my arm. “You got any albums to recommend?”
“Plenty.” I smile and share my favorite songs and artists.
A little while later, we make it to a little clearing where the cathedral is.
“You kids are nerds, ya know that?” Josh hops off his bike and lets it crash into the side of the cathedral.
“Shaddup.” Angela chuckles as the rest of us park our bikes outside. I can’t help but marvel up at the building. There’s a Rick crucified on a cross above the door. Hedgehog cherubs surround him from all sides blowing trumpets and mourn his crucifixion. All the cherubs also have large breasts. Some have four breasts. I cannot comment in good conscience. I’ve drawn worse for a paycheck.
Angela kicks open the door and waves us in. “Come in, my lovelies. I hope you brought your Sunday best.”
Josh
November 29th, 2007. 11:51 a.m. Cathedral of Rick. This cathedral’s straight up impossible. It’s way bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. It stretches on for so long that I can’t even see the other end of the cathedral. It’s shrouded in darkness. The only sources of light are from the stain-glass windows, but even then it’s not good enough to see that far… That’s not the worst part about it either. Rows upon rows upon rows of stained glass windows, statues, and massive portraits all dedicated to Rick. Abuela would have a goddamn heart attack if she saw this place. In terms of architecture, it’s by all means a Christian church. Instead of being dedicated to Jesus, it’s dedicated to a lunatic. Definitely taking pics of this to show to Will later. He’s gonna freak when he sees this. The windows are all depicting the stations of the cross, but Jesus is replaced with Rick. All men are replaced with hedgehogs and all the women look super slutty. Not even the fun kind of slutty either. It looks like what an eight year old thinks sexy is after finding their dad’s porn mags. One of the windows has Rick crucified with two others. On the left of him is Rickichu. On the right of him is an animatronic bear. What the hell is up with the bear? Why a bear? Is it another character of his? Did he see it in some kind of vision? Is it Jesus’s fursona? What the hell am I missing?
As we walk in, the doors shut and lock behind us. I try pulling them open, but no dice. We’re locked in. Angela can’t teleport us out of here either. Guess the only way forward is, well, forward. I don’t get it… if Rick can prevent us from teleporting and if he’s basically god of this realm, why doesn’t he just kill us? He knows we’re after him. We’ve been nothing but nuisances to him. Why? Is he having fun? Are we not seen as evil enough to warrant killing? I’m sure if we didn’t have Angie with us, we’d be dead in a second.
After walking forward a little, a giggle echoes throughout the cathedral. “My my… hello there, worshippers. Allow me to play you a song of worship.” She sounds like she’s deepthroating a microphone. High-pitched as all hell; like a chipmunk that spent its entire life huffing helium. She begins mashing out a song on a church organ. It sounds… actually pretty damn good. I don’t know what the song is, and it doesn’t sound like church music at all, but she’s keeping a tempo. It’s not painful to listen to. It’s certainly music.
“Angie, what song is this?” I ask.
Angela continues walking forward without looking back at me. She’s got a noticeably faster pace. It’s filled with purpose. It’s adorable… She has to take three steps every time I take one just to stay ahead of me. “Dunno. Don’t care.”
“Gotcha.” I start looking at some of the other statues. There’s one that looks like that David statue Sejong won’t shut up about, but it’s - of course - Rick. Potbelly, a Hank Hill ass, and a remarkably bent dong. “Uh… Angie. Is that actually how his dick looks like?”
“Yep.” Angela sighs.
“How do you know that?” Sejong sounds concerned.
“He would just strip naked sometimes. Said he didn’t like the feeling of clothes on his skin.”
“Ooooh.” Sejong nods.
“I’m no expert on dicks,” Vivian catches up to Angela. “But his dong really doesn’t look healthy… Josh, are dongs supposed to be bent like that?”
“No.” I stifle a chuckle. Even though I know it isn’t a real church, I still feel compelled to not laugh in it. “Dicks do not bend at 45 degree angles halfway down the shaft.”
“What if you break your dick?” Vivian asks. “Is that possible?”
“Huh…” I scratch my luxurious beard. “I mean… you can break your dick while it’s hard I guess.”
“Does it stay broken when it gets soft?”
“I don’t know and I don’t want to know.” I grimace just thinking about it. “Angie, how’d his dick get like that?”
“I don’t know.” Angela sighs. “He did all sorts of wild crap in his room. I don’t want to know what he put his dick in.”
“How does he put his dick in things like? Does he have to go in at an angle?”
Angela laughs through her nose. “Maybe. Maybe.”
We keep on walking and walking and walking and walking. More and more and more statues. The further we advance, the less statues there are. The few statues that do remain look unfinished and lack any kind of detail. Did he just get bored of his own creations?
Eventually, we reach the end of the cathedral. Some kind of nun is still shredding on the organ.
“Hey.” Angela waves.
The nun continues shredding away.
“Hey!” Angela stomps her foot.
The nun continues to ignore her.
“HEY! WE’RE HERE!” Angela yells at the top of her lungs.
Still no response.
“Hey bitch!” Angela takes off her shoe and chucks it at the nun.
“OWIE!” The nun clutches the back of her head and falls over off the seat. She groans and moans in a manner ill-befitting of a holy woman. I’m not even a Will-level Jesus freak, but come on man. Have some decency. The wench eventually rises to her feet and faces us. Yup. Slutty nun. Garterbelt, stockings, gross, exposed, furry hedgehog cleavage.
“Hey! You’re that slutty nun from the courthouse.”
“I am NOT a slut!” she stomps her stiletto heel into the ground, causing her titties to nearly pop out of her dress. I wanna vom just looking at them, so I won’t. “I am a woman dedicated to the teaching of God-Jesus and the Bear. Next week, as the Merge approaches… our father Rick will join them and become part of a new Holy Trinity…”
“The Merge?” Angela collects her shoe and starts putting it back on. “What the hell are you talking about?”
The nun flashes this smug look that would have gotten her shot in my neighborhood. “The Merge, you nincompoops! Father is going to merge the real world with this world… even as we speak, he continues to recreate other fictional universes to bring into the real world. Once the merge happens, all oc’s that ever existed will become real and Rick’s true form will be awakened! We’ll be able to meet all our favorite heroes and fight with all the most despicable villains. Sonic, Batman, Optimus Prime, even Jesus Christ, they’ll all become real.”
Vivian erupts into laughter. Again.
I join her because this is too damn good.
“I’m serious!” the nun bares her teeth at us. “Stop laughing!”
That just makes me and Vivian laugh harder.
“Rick can’t bring anything he made into the real world.” Angela shakes her head. “That’s not how our Tech works.”
“How do you know, false prophet? Father’s power is growing by the day… before long he’ll destroy all the nasty-wasty trolls from the Earth and rule as Mayor of the Earth. Just you wait.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Angela cracks her knuckles. “Now just hand us the diamond and no one gets hurt.”
“Fools… You dare threaten White Reginachu in her domain?” She puts her hands together and starts praying. “Foolish foolish trolls…”
A small bubble of white light emerges between the five of us. It quickly grows in size, splits into four balls of light, and engulfs each of us. It’s cold. I can’t see or hear anything. I just know that I’m being whisked away somewhere. Feels kinda like when Angela sucks us into technology, but somehow worse. Something feels like it's pressing down on my chest and my head feels like some thick liquid is sloshing around inside.
Sejong
I have no idea where I am or how much time has passed. I wake up face-down on the ground and rub my eye. Well, ground is a little bit generous. There’s no earth or floor to speak of. It looks like I’m floating amidst a sea of grey clouds, but I can stand. I’m not entirely sure how to describe how I’m standing or how the invisible ground beneath me feels, but I appear uninjured. The temperature is nice and cool. A light breeze. Low humidity. Feels so comfortable. The rest of my team is nowhere to be seen. “Hey! Josh! Angela! Vivian! You guys here?” I look around, but they are nowhere to be seen. I can’t hear anything besides my own heartbeat. I can’t see anything besides grey clouds. I’m sure they have it under control… Whatever that nun did, I’m sure it wasn’t lethal. The only weird thing about this place is that I can’t blink or close my eyes, yet I feel no need to. Eyes never feel dried out or uncomfortable here. That’s… nice? I guess?
Since no one’s around… I think I’ll just let it all hang out. My muscles relax, my mind clears, I lean back and just feel my body morph and shift about. God… it feels so good to not have to keep my Tech up. I haven’t felt this relaxed in ages. Don’t have to worry about anything slipping out. Don’t have to worry about fashion or looking nice… I can just relax. Now that my mind isn’t so dedicated to keeping my Tech in line, I can think about so many other things… What should I think about first? Hmm… Vivian’s characters sounded pretty cool. Maybe I could come up with some designs. Or I could doodle some concepts on that one month anniversary commission Janelle wanted. Or I could just think of nothing… that sounds nice too.
The clouds begin to swirl and compress into each other. They surround me and morph into a series of mirrors. I catch a glimpse of myself, and immediately try to close my eyes… but I can’t. No matter how much I try, my eyes won’t close. I can’t even move my arms, legs, or any other appendages that spawned to cover my line of sight. Please. Please. Make it stop. Make it stop. I can’t morph back. I can’t change back into a human form. My body just keeps morphing. God no no no! I scream and cry, but no sound escapes my mouths. No tears leak from my dozens of eyes. If I could just move my hand… I could claw my eyes out and be done with this… I do not know how much time passes, but eventually my mind grows numb and I stop thinking…
Josh
Dunno where or when I am, but I’m pissed. I’m popping that bitch of a hedgehog the second I get out of this cloud world. Everything looks grey and I’m floating in midair. I’d be impressed if I wasn’t so pissed off. I’m somehow standing on nothing. Just don’t question it. I’ve learned to stop questioning anything in this hell world. The clouds begin to grow in size and density. Within seconds, I’m encased in a thick fog. If I stretch my arms out in front of me, I can just barely see my hands. “Angela! You there!?” I look around, but can’t see or hear anything besides me. Well, no point in stressing out about it. Might as well just lay down and chill until Angela rescues me. Worrying too much is just going to give me a headache.
I lie down, yawn, and rest my eyes. The place is just the right amount of cold and quiet. Too quiet. Did I actually die? Is this hell? If so, it isn’t too bad. The lack of demon babes is disappointing, but at least there’s no fire. It’s more likely that this is purgatory. Nothingness, quiet, kinda like a timeout corner for stupid, but redeemable souls. No way this is heaven. There’s no rockin angel babes or sick organ music. If I really did die, at least it was painless. We all gotta die somehow, there’s worse ways I could’ve gone. Hell, I never thought I’d make it past 20.
clack clack clack clack
I hear footsteps approaching. Sounds like old sneakers. I sit up and look around for the source. To my left, I can see someone walking past me. It’s Angela. I know it. Same height. Same hair. Same walk cycle. Same thick butt. It’s her. I call out for her, but she doesn’t respond and just keeps walking. I get up and start chasing after her. No matter how fast I run or how loudly I yell, she doesn’t respond or turn around to face me. She doesn’t look like she’s running. Looks almost like she’s walking on a conveyor belt.
The clouds slowly morph into fire. The temperature begins to increase. In a few seconds, I go from completely dry to feeling like I’m melting in my own suit. Angela walks through the fires no problem, but her clothes catch fire. Her skin begins to peel and flake off. I want to look away, but I can’t. The sooner I catch Angela, the sooner we can get the hell out of here. I sprint through the fires to try and catch up with her. It hurts, but it's worth it. Angela looks up to the sky and lets out an unholy screech before collapsing facedown on the floor. The fires dissipate and the fog sets in once again. The fog feels heavy. I feel like I’m sucking in wool everytime I take a breath.
“Angela! ANGIE!” when she falls, I can finally catch up to her. Her body’s badly burnt, but doesn’t look as bad as Vivian’s face. “Angie! Come on, babe. Talk to me!” I roll her around, brush her crispy braids off her face, and nearly crap myself.
Faust’s face is staring at me. Same scars. Same blue eyes. Her lips curl into a grin. Her arms shoot up, grab my face, and pull me into a kiss. “I miss you…” She caresses the back of my head and plays with my hair just like she always did… and I don’t resist.
Angela
Dunno when or where I am. I wake up sitting on a chair made out of legos in a small, one room house also made of legos. Sitting across from me is Rick. He’s in his usual red striped shirt and jeans. He smirks at me and adjusts his glasses. “Greetings, sister. I’ve come to make an agreement with you.”
I try to kick him in the dick, but my leg just phases right through him.
“Garsh. Why do you have to be so violent all the time?” he shakes his head.
“Why do you have to be such an asshole?”
“I’m not an asshole! Look at how popular I am here! My hedgehogs and children love me! Anyway, I’d come to make an discussion with you.”
Just nod and agree and you’ll get out of here in no time. Maybe he’ll give some good information. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I want you to join me.” Rick puts his hands together and shakes them. “Please, please, please, please join me.”
I’m surprised. I’m disappointed in myself that anything from him surprises me anymore. “Why do you want me to join you?”
“Because remaking all these world and OCs is a lot of work… I need help.”
“So… you’re lazy?”
“I am not lazy. You’re lazy!”
“How many worlds have you recreated?”
“Well, just this one… and I still haven’t finished the mountains, but mark my words! It will be finished! I’m working on it!”
“You could be working on it instead of talking to me right now.”
“Angiebangie, come on now.” Rick sighs and rolls his eyes like a spoiled child. “Rome wasn’t built in a day. Don’t you want to help me bring about the Merge?”
“Why would I ever want to do that? Can you give me a single good reason?” I’ve stopped looking at him and started picking at a hangnail I just noticed.
“Because the real world is mean. Wouldn’t it be better if everyone just lived in here? No bullies. No trolls. No poverty. No wars. They can just play with their OCs and favorite characters all day every day. What’s so bad about that?”
Oh. Oh… Oh no… “Rick, you killed a kid for calling you gay. That sounds like bullying to me.”
“He started it!” Some spit flies off his lip. Luckily, it phases right through me. “If he just apologized for slandering me, I wouldn’t have had to deliver justice to him!”
“Rick. That’s not justice. That’s psychopathy.”
“Well what was I supposed to do? I tried going to the cops, but they just laughed at me. I tried getting a lawyer, but they hung up on me. I will not let my masculinity and heterosexuality be insulted like that. Can’t you understand my innocent plight?”
“Nope. Never can. Never will. Sorry, bro. You’re on your own on this one.” I mess up and slice my finger open with my nail. The hangnail still remains.
Rick starts fake-crying and rubbing his eyes. “Please, Angela? Please please please? I’ll do anything you want.”
“Nope.” I wave my hand and cut open a portal out of this hell world. “See ya.” I hop into it and find myself back inside the cathedral in front of the organ. White Reginachu is still playing the organ; completely oblivious to me. To my left are three little balls of light. I’m guessing that’s where my team is… I focus energy into my finger and poke the ball closest to me.
Sejong plops out onto the floor on his butt. I hear something slosh and squirm behind him for a split second. He frantically runs his hands over his body. His breathing’s out of whack. His pupils are literally shaking and changing shape every second. His entire body is pulsating in different places. Looks like five different things are fighting inside of him, but none of them are winning. He screams and shakes on the floor for about twenty seconds. Fortunately, the organ drowns out all his screams. After about a minute, he calms down and lies on his back.
I lean down next to him and poke his belly. “You okay?”
“I… I think…” Sejong’s teeth are still chattering a little. “I’m just glad you’re here… did you see anything?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I smile.
“Thank you…” Sejong takes a deep breath.
I stand up and touch the next ball.
Josh plops out onto his butt. His suit is a complete disaster. Shirt’s unbuttoned. Pants are unzipped. He looks all sweaty and he has some serious bedhead. His breathing’s also wild. The hell did Rick do to my team?
“Angie!” Josh launches himself off the floor and gives me the tightest hug ever. “You’re real right? It’s you!?” he pulls away and examines my face.
“Yep. Purty sure it’s me.” I hold his hand to my cheek. “You okay?”
“Yep!” Josh kisses me on the forehead and starts fixing up his clothes.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Nope!” Josh slicks his hair back and fixes his tie.
“Gotchu babe.” I turn and touch the last orb.
Vivian plops out onto her butt. She looks fine. No screaming. No fear or anger on her face. At least I think there isn’t. It’s hard to tell sometimes. She looks more mildly confused than anything else. Her clothes look just fine too. “Oh, hey Angela.” She looks over to Josh and Sejong. “Are those two okay?”
“I dunno.” I help her up.
Josh looks over to us, pulls out his revolver, and starts loading. He aims it at the organ and shoots three times.
“JESUS CHRIST!” Sejong and Vivian cover their ears and recoil. “What the hell, Josh!?” Sejong yells at the top of his lungs.
White Reginachu stops playing the organ and falls out of her chair and onto her back. She looks up at us like a deer in headlights. “Impossible! How did all of you escape my Fear Dimension!? That trial was supposed to be impossible!”
Josh struts up to White Reginachu, clamps his foot against her neck, and points his gun at her. “I know churches are neutral ground, but I don’t care. You have two minutes to hand us the diamond or else your head’s gonna look like a chunky salsa sundae!”
White Reginachu starts crying and flailing against the floor. “Rick! Father! Dad! Please! Help me! Trolls are defiling your house!”
Silence. Nothing. Nada. Not even a peep.
“Your father doesn’t love you.” I cross my arms and grin.
“No! You’re lying! Of course Father loves me! He always said I was his favorite!” she starts punching the floor. “Rick! Please! Help me with your divine superpowers! I’ll become a better daughter! Please! Just save me!” White Reginachu’s voice slowly becomes less and less articulate the more she cries.
“You now have one minute.” Josh yawns and puts the barrel to her temple. “Just give us the diamond and save us both the trouble.”
White Reginachu takes a few panicked breaths, claps her hands together repeatedly, and begins reciting a prayer. “Our Father who art in Ruckersville, Virginia. Awesome be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Ruckersville, Virginia as it is in Rickville. Give us this day our daily duck and forgive us our stupidity. As we do not forgive the trolls who slander us. Lead us into pleasure, deliver us from prickly-wicklies AMEN!” she throws her hands out to the ceiling. “There! I said your prayer! Now help me!”
We wait around. Nothing happens.
toot Someone lets out a violent fart.
“Aw, Vivian.” I grasp my nose and start laughing.
Josh laughs too. “God damnit…”
Sejong just whines and covers his nose.
“Sorry.” Vivian cackles.
“Why are ya’ll laughing!?” White Reginachu shrieks. “God isn’t helping me! You should be crying! Not! Laughing!”
“You know you just exist to fulfill a fantasy, right?” I approach Josh and wrap my hand over his. I want my finger on the trigger too. I want to feel the recoil. “Your ‘father’ doesn’t actually love you.”
“Impossible…” White Reginachu starts laughing. “He… he has to come… I’ve only served him, God-Jesus, and the Bear. I’ve been a good christian, wife, mother, and daughter… I’ve even given him my china more times than I can count! That’s the ultimate proof of true an-
BOOM
I clamp down on the trigger and blow a hole clean through her skull. I feel the blood splatter on my face. You know that feeling when you pop a real big pimple? I’m feeling that right about now.
Josh leaps back and lets go of the gun. “Whoa! Angie. That… that was kinda badass.” he adjusts his tie.
“Thanks, hun.” I blow on the barrel, spin the gun around, and toss it back to him before looking down at Reginachu’s body. Looks just as gross dead as it did alive. I nudge it with my foot and the thing begins to flicker.
flick flick flick flick
A few flicks later, and it disappears. A white diamond emerges from the ground and floats in mid-air before me. I snag the diamond and stuff it in my bag with the others. Four down, one to go.
“Wait…” Vivian says. “Does anyone have the time? How long were we in those dimensions?”
“Shoot you right.” Josh pulls out his phone. “Says November 29th, 2007. 12:05 p.m.”
“We were only in there for ten minutes?” Vivian asks. “Huh. Felt longer.”
“Way longer.” Sejong shivers.
“Way way longer.” Josh shrugs and stuffs the phone back in his pocket. “Anyway, any idea where we’re headed to next, Angie?”
“Hm…” I rub my gorgeous chin. “Best bet would be the shopping center. Haven’t checked there yet.”
“Lead the way then.” Josh motions towards the exit.