Angela
November 22, 2007. 2:31 p.m. Internet. I’m spinning. Spinning. Spinning. Spinning. Petabytes upon petabytes of data flash through my eyes. The degeneracy, chaos, and deep, dark desires of humanity are all laid bare before me. I feel like the collective consciousness of humanity is causing my brain to melt. If this was my first time through, I would feel like I’m dying. It’s not all bad though. I saw some pretty cute cat vids on the way. Got the IP address just right, transferred out into a phone line and popped out of an all-too-familiar wall socket. The second I materialize out of a landline phone, all my senses are assaulted at once. Home sweet home…
Smells like several things have died and have been marinating in their own blood for a month. If I try real hard, I can smell Axe, body odor, and rotten watermelon. If I wasn’t so used to it, I’d probably vom. Aisles upon aisles of junk taller than me line the room. I can’t even tell where I’m standing. I look up and see towers of cardboard boxes, tupperware, unopened bottles of cleaning product, and clothes with the price tags still on. I look down and see that I’m not even standing on the floor. I can’t even see the floor. A sea of clothes, broken cardboard, and paper completely cover the carpeting. Though that’s probably for the best… The carpet probably has its own ecosystem by now. At least it’s quiet.
bzzzt
I flinch, cover my ears, and immediately start scanning the room for the source of the noise. I find a small collection of wasps feasting on some freshly killed spiders on a nearby wall. That’s new… but I can’t say I’m surprised. There’s a collection of dried out Christmas trees in the one corner of the room that’s not covered in junk. It’s a damn miracle this place hasn’t burned down yet. I take a deep breath through my mouth, clench my fist, and start wading through the sea of garbage. Time to investigate.
After a minute of exploring, I come across a plaque on a table that’s caked in dust and some kind of ooze. Some of it’s faded, but I can read “Dreaming Studio of Mr. C and Little C. Where dreams come true. 1989.” They moved the landline to the work shack? Why? Did they run out of space in the house? That’s a dumb question. Of course they did. I peek over the table and see the door behind some junk towers. I hop on the table, hop over the junk, and arrive at a rusty metal door. Paint’s chipping off all over, there’s a small insect nest in the corner. I’m afraid I’m going to get tetanus if I touch it so… BAM I kick the door open and run out of the disease shack as fast as I can.
I’m greeted by the backyard. Overgrown grass and unkempt trees are found all over. The ground is covered with dead foliage and still wet dirt. Smells like it rained recently. There’s a dead garden to my right and Mikko’s dog house next to it. I approach the dog house and see that there’s a little note taped to it. It reads:
“My family, furry friends, and anyone else present. We are gathered here today to pay our last respects and wishes to our dearly beloved. Who has spindashed from our world on earth to a doggy heaven where she will be more happier. Because she will run free and play with all the other dogs who are already having fun up there… I will always remember Mikko for all the lovely memories she gave me from: When I picked her from the litter at Redoak, the time I watched my old best friend Sarah dance with her like it’s 1999, the times she stood like a human and gave her the tasty biscuits, the time I just sat with her and peeted her head… I’ve always given her Bally-Scratches where I stroke her head like it was a big rubber ball. The times I’ve fed her a can of food and a cup full of dry food, and filled her buckit with fresh water so she can drink and wash her face.
When Mikko was brought to the vet on that faithful day, I was distraught with feer and concern for her health. I stayed with her during her final moments with a hand on her head and a tear in my eye. When mom was brought the paper that gave the doctor permission to send her onto the next level, I didn’t want her to be the one to sign it. I raised Mikko since she was six-weeks-old; and I wanted to take the bullet for signing the one-way ticket. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but it was for the best; so I signed that paper with a crying Rickichu face saying, “We love you, Mikko.” After that, I gave her my final pets, hug, hand-to-paw shake, eye-contact, ear-rub, cheek-to-fur rub, and I sadly waved her for the final time and I said “Good bye, Mikko. I love you.” As I stood outside, I heard Mikko’s last barks saying, “I will always love you, Rick. Thank you.”
But we all must move on with our lives. Our beloved lucky mutt will stay in our hearts and memories forever. So, Mikko. May your old dog house and garden forever memorialize your blessed heart, your barks at the stars and strangers, and your loyal love that have blessed me. Bark on, and rest in peace, our beloved lucky Mikko.”
I stand up and look at the sky. Clouds… clouds… and more clouds. Just looking down on us like always. I take a deep breath before yelling. I yell, and yell, and yell. Somehow, my lungs don’t shoot out my mouth. So many words try to erupt out my mouth at once that I end up just yelling like a feral animal.
I cry for a little bit and tear the letter to shreds before wiping my face clean. Calm down Angie… Save it for him. I look up at my house. It looks like an old, creepy manor that kids would make up stories about on Halloween. Two stories, fairly spacious, closed shutters, white paint that’s chipping away everywhere, and rusty gutters and drains. Even the roof is missing some tiles. I stomp to the back door and kick it open with little effort. Rusty, broken nails fly off the hinges and just add to the litter of old tools and broken flower pots by the back entrance. I get inside and enter the kitchen. Still looks like the same trash dump my mom left it. Nothing but towers of pizza boxes, McDonalds bags, and broken appliances as far as the eye can see.
“Rick!” I yell at the top of my lungs. “Where are you!? Get your ass out here! I just want to talk!” I wade through the entire bottom floor of the house. Can’t find him. Only more trash, insect nests, and a tape outline of my mom’s body by the front entrance. Climb the stairs, shove some folding poker tables and lawn chairs out of the way, and find the door to my old room. I fling it open and see it’s become just another storage room. I can’t even see inside it. There’s too many boxes lined up to the top of the door frame. I immediately close the door and turn to my right. At the end of a dank, cluttered hallway is the door to Rick’s room. I storm over to it and kick it open. No hesitation. No resistance. The door wasn’t locked or even closed properly.
While the rest of the house had decayed, Rick’s room looks exactly as it did ten years ago. The shelves, tables, and bookshelf all contain armies of Sonic the Hedgehog, Transformer, My Little Pony, and Pokemon toys. Dirty clothes and empty bottles of soda line the floor… except for a lone orange Fanta bottle in the corner of the room. It looks curdled. His bed is all kinds of nasty. There’s weird stains, an array of sex toys, and a worn out sex doll taped upside down to the wall above his bed. The bed, doll, and the toys look and smell like they’ve never been washed. The walls are lined with Pokemon, Excel Saga, Sailor Moon, Playboy, and self-drawn ‘Rickichu’ posters. I never thought I’d have to explain Rickichu again, but imagine an anthropomorphic orange Pikachu crossed with a pale overweight dude. Yeah. I’ve seen a lot of dank stuff in my life, but the stained Chibi-usa wall scroll above his bed just broke the top five.
Between his bed and his closet was a dresser with a bunch of Yu-Gi-Oh cards taped to it and a mountain of video games boxes surrounding it. An N64, Commodore, Gamecube, a Genesis, a Windows XP comp, and a monitor all surrounded a TV from ‘97. I can’t believe I’m saying this… but Rick’s room is easily the cleanest room in the entire house. I can see the floor. There’s no boxes anywhere. There’s some level of organization in the shelves and the posters are arranged somewhat neatly. It’s a low bar, but… it’s a low bar.
The computer’s still running and the room light is still on. He’s got to have been here recently. Before taking another breath, I hop inside the computer tower and every byte of data in my brother’s computer rushes past me. Porn. Porn. Furry porn. Porn… more porn. Sonic fan art. Sonic porn. Traced Pokemon fan art. Pokemon porn. Sonic x Pokemon porn. Okay… definitely telling anyone who comes in here with me to close their eyes. This is a bit much even for me. I feel myself get pulled forward into a vast, empty, white space. There’s nothing before me except a vast, white wall that seems to go on forever in all directions. It’s completely featureless except for a cardboard sign taped to the center of it. I walk towards it and read:
“Rickville is currently under construction. We will liekly open Monday. If you are a boyfriend-free girl, please come back soon. If you’re a man or already taken, jump off a cliff!
-Rick ‘Ricardo’ Cobb”
Will
November 23, 2007. 1:41 p.m. On the range. Ain’t nothing but clear skies and a warm Texas breeze. Nobody’s around for miles except me, Dad, and Daryl. Dad’s got his hands in his pockets. Daryl’s got a ref whistle hanging around his neck. I have my bamboo sword in my hand and my whip hanging off my side.
“Let me know when you’re ready, my boy.” Dad cracks his neck.
I close my eyes and remember my training. I see A.D.’s moves and Janelle snapping her fingers flow through my mind. I must not fall behind anymore. I open my eyes and run my fingers along my blade. “I’m ready.”
“Show me your motivation.” Dad waves his hand to the side and six translucent hatchets begin spinning around his stomach. They’re forged from blue light and all spin in sync.
I charge at Dad only for two hatchets to come flying right at me. I slice right through them and cause them to dissipate.
Dad stands there smirking and whistling. Within two seconds, two new hatchets begin spinning around him. “Good, good.” He claps his hands. “You can still do that.” Two hatchets fly around and try to flank me from my left and right.
I run my hand over my whip, wield it, and destroy one hatchet with my blade and another with my whip.
“Aaah. Dual-wielding now, huh? Very cool.” Dad puts his hands back in his pockets. “Alright. I’m done warming up. Let’s rock.” Dad nods and sends all six hatchets flying at me in quick succession.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. I cut through each one like they’re nothing. Wait. Where’s the si-
shiiiiiing
I glance to my left and see a hatchet flying in from my left side. I slash at it, but it slides out of the way just in time and continues coming at me. I pivot and jump backwards, but-
shick
A blur of blue light whirrs past my face and I feel red hot blood fall down the bridge of my nose as well as my cheeks. I drop my sword and clutch my face. “GOSH! DARNIT!”
“Aw come on, Will. You never got hit by that before. What’s wrong?”
I groan through grit teeth and pull my hand from my face. Palm’s covered in blood and it won’t stop flowing either. The breeze stings whenever it hits my face and my breathing’s starting to pick up. “QUIET!” I pick up my sword and feel it tremble in my arm. “LET’S KEEP GOING!”
“That’s what I like to hear.” Dad chuckles.
“John!” Daryl shouts. “Take it easy on him!”
“Relax, relax.” Dad waves his hand. “Will can stop at any time. Ain’t that right?”
“HHHHHHAAAAAAAH!” I crack my whip at Dad, only to watch him deflect it with three hatchets.
“Attaboy.” Dad’s smirk only grows wider. “Make daddy proud.” he snaps and the hatchets disappear around him.
“I WILL!” I pull back my whip for another crack only to find the six hatchets rotating mere inches away from my stomach. “WHAT THE!?” I spin around and dissolve the hatchets with a spin attack. My chest is shaking. My body’s trembling… I haven’t felt this way ever since I left home… Feels good… Feels nostalgic.
“You ain’t holding back on your dad, are ya?” Dad shakes his head. “C’mon! Show me what that school has taught ya! Fight me like you wanna kill me!”
Daryl blows his whistle. “JOHN! CALM DOWN!”
“Relax.” Dad laughs. “Willy ain’t gonna hurt me.” he turns to me. “Ain’t that right?”
A low, guttural growl escapes my lips. Blood drips into my mouth and off my chin. “JUST FIGHT!” I charge at him again and throw out my whip horizontally at Dad.
Dad deflects it again with three hatchets and throws out another three right at me in a line.
I cut clean through them and continue sprinting at him. I roll my arm back and lash the whip at Dad once again.
A bead of sweat starts to roll down Dad’s cheek as he sidesteps my whip and starts to dash backwards. “Easy there, sonny.” The blades around him dissolve.
“JUST FIGHT!” I lunge at him with my blade.
Dad ducks then kicks me in the chin with a somersault kick. I feel my teeth pound against each other, I go flying off my feet, and my vision starts to grow blurry with tears and sweat. Hatchets form around me in mid air and start striking me with their dull sides. I’m not cut, but each one pounds into my flesh like a jackhammer. One hits my back around my kidney, one hits my shoulder, one hits my thigh, and one hits my side. Each one pushes me a little higher into the air and farther away from Dad. By the time the hatchets are finished air-comboing me, I see Dad running towards me and using the hatchets as platforms.
He leaps off the last hatchet, does a forward flip, and delivers a crushing axe kick to my chest.
I feel my rib cage rattle, my heart soften, and my body go crashing to Earth. My back collides with a patch of dead grass and the surrounding rocks cut my elbows and hands open. “AAAAAAAGH!” I arch my back and cry out to the heavens.
“I’m calling this match off!” Daryl blows his whistle. “Enough is enough!”
“SHUT UP, DARYL!” I plunge my sword into the Earth and use it as support. “Don’t… patronize… me…” My chest feels like jelly, but I find the strength to stand on one knee and look up at Dad. The blood’s still flowing. I want to hurl… Everything hurts… but what the hell!? I was able to land a hit on Dad every other time before this… What am I doing wrong!?
“You’re fighting sloppy.” Dad glares down at me. “Have you been slacking off?”
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“Just… shut… up…” I try to get up on my feet, but fall to my knees again.
“Will. Focus on me. Nothing else matters right now.” Dad shakes his head. “Not your teammates, not Chicago, not your grades, not justice, not even your life. Whatever you’re feeling towards me, channel it. Your blade cuts only what you wish it to.”
I hate him. I hate this. I hate me. I hate this pain. I hate this weakness. I stand up, yell to the sky, and swing my blade wildly three times in a tantrum. Each swing produces a bright red shockwave. They’re crackling with some form of energy, stretch three feet long, and look like a crescent moon. Each strand of energy arcing off the shockwaves look like they’re trying to pull the wave in a million different directions. The wave is desperately trying to hold itself together. Each one slices through the air and produces a sonic boom that nearly blows me backwards.
Dad smiles wide and stands still. “THAT’S IT! ATTABOY ATTABOY! I’M PROUD OF YA!”
I catch myself smiling as one of my eyelids falls, but I can still see clearly enough to watch each shockwave fizzle out just before hitting Dad. “Come on…” I swing again and again and again, but the shockwaves don’t come out. I try to rile myself up again and think of my teammates and Chicago… but nothing happens… I’m too tired… Too weak… I crumple to my knees and fall onto the ground.
“Alright, Daryl.” Dad yawns and walks over to me. “Now you can call it.”
Daryl blows his whistle and begins sprinting off to the house. “John wins! I’ll go get the aid kit!”
I feel Dad roll me onto my back, slip some ointment and bandages out of his pocket, and begin spreading the ointment over my cut. “I was beginning to worry you’d never figure that move out.”
“Please…” I grit my teeth as he rubs the ointment in. “You know I’m better than that.”
“I sure as heck hope you are.” Dad wraps bandages over the bridge of my nose and my cheeks. “Hope I didn’t cut ya too deep. I was just trying to motivate you.”
“It worked…” I pant. “Don’t apologize.”
“That’s what I like to hear.” Dad pats my shoulder and offers his hand to me. “Wanna go again?”
“In a little bit…” I take a deep breath and look down at the ground. “I’m not as fast as I was once…”
“Why is that?” Dad sits down next to me. “Have you not been exercising?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’ve been exercising every day. Even managed to meet some exercise rivals.”
“Have you been neglecting your katas?”
“I’d never.” I stretch my arms, lay down on my back, and look up at the sky. “I dunno what it is… I’ve just hit a wall…”
“And your motivation’s clearly not the issue.” Dad smiles down at me. Ever think about re-enlisting? Maybe that school’s not giving you what you need?”
Even after all this time, my throat still tightens up. “I’m not going back there.”
“Are you ever going to tell me why?”
I try to talk, but my mouth won’t cooperate.
“That’s fine.” Dad pats my head. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to pry.”
“Thanks…” Memories flood back into my head. “The school’s good for me, I assure you. I’ve even managed to make a new squad.”
“That’s good. I was getting worried about ya.” Dad scratches his beard before laying down next to me. “What’re they like?”
“Surprisingly capable.” I feel the warm wind grace my cheek. “A tad chaotic and loud at times, but they’re good people. I’m lucky I met them.”
“Good good.” Dad nods. “You needed new friends.” He turns to me. “Hey. Why’re you crying? What’s wrong?”
“I’m scared of losing them…”
Vivian
November 26th, 2007. 3:21 p.m. Headmaster’s office. She called my team and Familia in for a meeting. I feel like I’m in meetings a lot lately. Wish the world would calm down for two minutes. Angela’s pacing in the middle of all of us. She looks very tired and very angry. More angry than I’ve ever seen her. It’s hard to believe it’s Angela.
“Everyone have a good break?” Angela asks.
Everyone agrees with some variation of ‘yeah’.
“Good. Good. Here’s the rundown.” Angela takes a deep breath and spends the next twenty minutes talking about everything she learned over her Thanksgiving break. Her brother, the city inside the computer, her mom, the string of serial murders. Everything. “Everyone got that?”
Everyone nods their heads.
“I’m sorry about your mom…” I add.
“Eh, don’t be. She was a crook and whore. Anyway.” Angela claps her hands together. “I need a team to go in with me to bring him down. Who volunteers?”
Sejong, Janelle, and Josh all raise their hands. Josh steps forward. “It only makes sense for your team to join you on this, no?”
“Are you sure?” Angela laughs. “It’s gonna get weird.”
“How weird?” Janelle slowly lowers her hand.
“Like, really weird.” She puts her hand onto the laptop on Suzy’s desk and extends her other hand to her team. “Lemme show you.”
“A test couldn’t hurt….” Sejong grabs Angela’s hand.
Josh and Janelle follow suit.
“Here we go.” Angela closes her eyes and Team Familia shoots into the laptop.
My team just stands in silence while Suzy laughs at her computer monitor.
“What’s so funny?” A.D. asks.
“Angela’s brother has a youtube channel. It’s… amusing, to say the least.”
Moments later, Team Familia shoots out of the laptop.
Angie looks the same.
Josh nods his head silently with wide eyes and pursed lips.
Janelle’s holding her stomach with one hand and covering her mouth with the other.
Sejong looks like a caveman that just discovered fire.
“Everyone okay?” Will asks.
“I’m... different.” Josh looks around the room confused. “I sure as hell feel a lot better about myself.” he looks at Angela. “But I’m still with you 100% of the way.”
“I…” Sejong runs his hands through his hair. “I am amazed. Simply astounded. This is folk art the likes of which I have never seen! The art is both plagiarized, but new. The technique is sloppy, but possesses a unique charm. Inside that computer is where infinite passion and zero talent merge to create a horrific, cursed, abandoned child. I must see more!”
“I’m… going to sit this one out…” Janelle trudges over next to Will and rests her head on his chest.
“Does traveling in machinery upset your vertigo?” Will asks without hugging or putting his hand on her.
“A little… but that’s not the worst of it.” Janelle sighs. “I felt like I was going to puke just standing in there. Every new thing I saw made me want to retreat into my skin.”
“Well why’s it so bad?” Yuko asks. “Can’t be worse than seeing that Petra monster up close.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Suzy claw her nails into her desk.
“You just have to see it for yourself…” Janelle groans.
“I look forward to it.” A.D. cracks his fingers before grabbing Angela’s hand. “Been getting a little bored. Let’s rock. Lovers, assemble!”
“Of course.” Will gently brushes Janelle off him and grabs Angela’s left arm.
“Fine…” Yuko sighs and grabs Angela’s right arm. “Viv, you comin’ with?”
“Nope.” Angela shakes her head. “I can only bring three other people in with me at a time. I’d be happy to make a second trip though.”
“Please do.” I wave them goodbye. “Safe travels.”
Angela zaps into the comp.
A few moments later, she comes back with my team.
Yuko looks more pissed than usual.
A.D. looks like he just got his soul sucked out of his ass.
Will is on his knees crying and punching the ground.
“I take it didn’t go well?” I ask.
“I’m not going anywhere near that freak.” Yuko takes a cig out of her shirt and begins munching on it. “That kid should’ve been bullied harder.”
“What about you, A.D.?”
“I’m… going for a run. I feel like my abilities would be better used elsewhere.” A.D. sprints out of the office without another word.
Will is still crying on the floor. His hand is already bruising and genuine tears are streaming down his face. I’ve never seen a man so distraught in my entire life.
“What’s wrong with him?” Suzy looks over her desk.
“He learned about pre-marital sex.” Yuko points with her cig.
Suzy blurts out an ugly chuckle before returning to her computer.
“Well?” Angela points at me. “Wanna take a look too?”
“I’m good. I prefer to keep it a surprise.”
“Your loss.” Angela shrugs. “So since Janelle’s out, I’m down a team member. Anyone wanna fill in the gap? You’ll get a cut of the bounty.”
“Unless you’re paying me with a graduation, I’m not going back in there.” Yuko shakes her head.
“Fair.” Angela looks down at Will. “What about you, Willy?”
“Why, God!? Why would you allow this!?” Will continues crying.
“Gonna take that as a no…” Angela licks her lips then turns to me. “What about you, Viv? I know you’re still not fully recovered from the last miss-”
“I’m down.” I grin. “Sounds fun. When do we depart?”
“My room. Tomorrow at 11. Back some snacks and sodas. Eat some good food before you leave too. Dunno how long we’re going to be in there.”
“Got it.”
Yuko
November 27th, 2007. 8:21 a.m. My room. By some miracle, I’m up before nine. Maybe if I try real hard and pull the blankets over me, I can go back to bed. I hear Viv jump out of bed and start to get ready. With my back turned to her, I speak up. “Viv. Can we talk for a sec?”
“Bwah! Yuko! Don’t just scare me like that! What are you doing up so early?”
“Answer the question.”
“Sorry. Of course we can talk.” I feel her sit down on my bed beside me. “What’s up?”
“Do you really have to go on that mission?”
“I don’t really have to go on any missions.” Viv rubs my back. “But it’s always nice to get some field experience instead of being cooped up in a classroom all day.”
“Even if it hurts you?”
“Relax.” Viv chuckles and runs her fingers through my hair. “You worry too much. There’s not going to be any Tsukijin in there. I’ll be careful.”
“Promise...” I roll over and reach my hand out to her. “Promise me you’ll be more careful. I don’t want to see you end up in the hospital again.”
Viv’s smile melts away, but she doesn’t break eye contact. “Of course, Yuko. I promise.” She holds my hand and kisses the backside of it. “I’ll be back before you know it, girlfriend.”
I feel my heart stop. “Sorry, but could you not call me that? Feels a little too soon…”
“I got ya.” Viv runs her thumb over my knuckle and smiles. “Haste makes waste and all that. Maybe you just need some distance to figure stuff out.”
“I hope that’s all it takes.” I squeeze Viv’s hand. “Thank you for everything, Viv.”
“Don’t worry about it.” She leans in and kisses me on the forehead before heading to the shower. “Be good while I’m gone, okay? Make good decisions!”
Angela
November 27th, 2007. 11:00 a.m. My room. Vivian, Josh, Sejong, and I are all gathered around my laptop. I’ve got my Glitch hoodie on, Josh has his suit, Sejong looks fab as always, and Viv has her super suit on as well. We all got our hero masks. All of us got backpacks full of goodies. My backpack’s full of cans of Coke, some chips and cookies, some Axe body spray, a canteen of water, and a spare .45 Josh let me borrow. Can never be too careful.
“Everyone ready to go?” I hold my hands out.
“Ready.” Sejong grabs my shoulder.
“Ready to depart.” Viv shakes my hand.
“Let’s catch this bastard.” Josh adjusts his hat before grabbing my other hand. “Ready when you are.”
“Right.” I nod, take a deep breath, and close my eyes. “Everyone close your eyes. Don’t need you vomming on me.” I digitize the four of us and shoot us through the computer. My body feels like it’s being condensed into a tube and going a thousand miles an hour. Kinda like a bullet right after getting shot. The four of us zig and zag through different nodes and data clumps for about five minutes before coming to a halt. I open my eyes, let go of my team, and look around me. We’re still in the blank white space as before, but the endless white wall is gone now. It’s been replaced by ridiculously gaudy golden gates. They look like they’re made out of pixels and as if they were spray painted in MS Paint. Horribly compressed Sonic music blasts from every direction. Just past the gates, I can see the street my house was on. Everything looks the same. Same houses. Same cars. Even the same cats roaming around. Further back, I can see a giant building with ‘MAL-WART’ plastered on the side piercing the skyline. Behind that, I can just barely see a jungle and some mountains that seem to go on forever… Above all that is a sky that looks just like the one outside, except all the clouds are in the shapes of Pokemon and Sonic the Hedgehog characters.
“Welp.” I sigh. “Let’s get this over with. Follow me.” I approach the gates and see a new cardboard sign shoddily duct taped to the gates. This one was pink with hearts drawn in crayon all around the edges. The text was written in blue, red, and black crayon. After all the other signs he’s drawn, you’d think he’d know that red text doesn’t show up well on pink… but this is Rick… Towards the bottom of the sign is his signature: Rickichu. Same hazel eyes. Same yellow skin. Same bright red cheeks. Same marker outline. Even ten years later, Rickichu looks the same as it ever did. The sign reads:
“21 and Single White Male… Shy, Smart, Young at Heart, Computer skilled, Humorous, a great thinker and go-getter, “Natural salesperson”, enjoys the good parts of life, Diplomatic, Friendly, Loves his family, Peaceful, Very creative, He’s lonely…
Seeking a CUTE 18-21 SINGLE FEMALE COMPANION. 18-21 years of age. Does. Not. Already. Have a boyfriend. Single. Average to Slender Weight/Body Type. Must be White. Lives in Charlottesville or Ruckersville. Does NOT Smoke or Drink Alcohol. Happy, Positive Personality. Average/High Income. Drives a vehicle.
If any MEN read this huge sign… MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! (And to all MEN with girlfriends, except marrieds and blacks, go jump off a cliff) Have a nice day :)”
Jesus Christ he’s still doing the sign. I rub my temple and groan.
The rest of my team reads the sign and begins laughing.
Sejong starts rolling on the floor and holding his stomach. His laughter is starting to sound like it hurts.
“Oh my god, Angela…” Josh starts crying. “Is… Is he serious? Your brother’s actually like this? He’s not trolling?”
“Unfortunately, no…”
“Oh man…” Josh wipes a tear from his eye. “I’m so sorry… Are you okay?”
“About as fine as I’ve ever been.”
Meanwhile, Viv has laughed for so long and loudly that she now sounds like an asthmatic seal. “Ooooooh noooooooo. This is who we’re dealing with?”
“You signed up for this.” I keep waiting for her to stop. “You wanna leave?”
“Hell no!” Viv coughs. Her face has grown considerably red. She is now crying. “Please tell me it gets worse.”
“It gets much worse.” I grit my teeth.
“Aaaw yeyeye!” Viv claps her hands. “Cringe is my life source, Angela. I live for this.”