Time seemed to freeze as I sat there, staring, treading water, and hoping the eyes didn’t see me. What was I thinking? Of course it had noticed the million pounds of pebbles I rode in on. I was just hoping that it had better things to worry about than me, though.
After long moments spent trying to silently stay unnoticed in the lake, the eyes seemed to grow larger. Two large, suckered tentacles emerged from the water on either side of me at the same moment as a massive beak filled my vision, joining the eyes emerging out of the darkness.
“Oh boy. It's some kind of a mine octopus.” No sooner had I spoke then. massive words appeared before the creatures head. “Low-viathan: Mine Boss, level 35.”
“This is bad,“ I desperately thought to my companion. “He's more than 20 levels higher than me. How can I possibly stand up? against something that high level.”
“I don't know,” said Fez casually. “This sure seems like one heck of a predicament. Maybe if you had some sort of swimming hat?”
“A swimming hat? You mean like a snorkel?”
“No, I mean swimming hat. Something to help you swim. I don't know, maybe there are hats out there with the ability to make you be able to breathe underwater, or operate faster underwater, or, I don't know, attack normally underwater.”
“Why would a hat be able to make you be more efficient underwater?”
“I don't know. Just seems like an interesting idea. Like something that would happen in a mine. Maybe something that you would craft out of things in a mine.”
“Now is not the time to discuss hats we might craft in a mine!” The tentacle to my right lashed out at me like a giant angry firehose. I somehow managed to push myself back in the water just far enough to dodge, only to be slapped by the other appendage. Or was it a third appendage? No, definitely fourth, or fifth? Oh my.
“Well, this was fun. Hope you don't lose any good Skills this time boss.” Just then I saw a notification pop up in the side of my vision.
“You have gained the Skill Swimming. Swimming Skill level 1: Novice. As a Swamp Elf you gain a +8 bonus to sSwimming and holding your breath underwater. I guess that's one good thing about being a degenerate Elf that all the other Elves look down on.”
“Well, that helps somewhat, I guess.” The problem was, while I was swimming and treading water, I needed to use my arms. That meant they weren't available for me to make any kind of weapon attack. If I had been on land, this might be easier, but in my current predicament there was no way.
I dodged again and dove under the water. I could see the creature's massive form deep under the waves. “Not good, not good, not good.” I thought in panic. It was larger than the city bus and it was difficult to see exactly how many tentacles it had. I dodged again, but my luck was not endless. I was grappled by one massive appendage and lifted out of the water. Thankfully, now that I didn't have to swim, my hands were free.
Unfortunately, even though my hands could now swing to their heart's content, there wasn't anything to swing at except the tentacle wrapped around my waist. I tried valiantly to make a go at it, but somehow no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't imagine the long sucker-covered appendages as golf balls. Despite having used it all day, I still hadn’t gained the Warhammer Skill. “Wait, this isn’t an improvised weapon. I could just use the hammer like a hammer!!”
“You have gained the Skill, Blunt Weapons. Blunt Weapons Skill level 1: Novice. Weather its a club, a mace, or a hammer: if it’s heavy, it will still break bones.”
A piddling 15 damage per swing was still an improvement over nothing, but it was nowhere near enough to even dent the Low-viathan’s health bar.
“Man, those suckers are so big you could almost make them into yarmulkes.”
“Not helpful Fez.”
“Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not Jewish? I forget sometimes, certain hats are only for certain people. It would look pretty fetching on you though.”
“Not now Fez!” I continued to madly swing at the appendage that was now pulling me closer and closer to that gigantic maw the size of a wood chipper.
“How do I get out of this?” Even if I could somehow get loose from this tentacle, one of the many others would snatch me in no time. I could see them shifting and writhing beneath the surface like gigantic tree trunk sized reeds caught in a current. “Reeds,” I thought “Maybe that's the clue. Reeds, fire hose, grass.” An image of Venice Beach in Santa Monica, popped in to my head. A man selling hats woven from palm fronds. “That’s it!”
Now if only I could somehow get free, I could make it work. I could do something. All I needed to do was get into the water.
The gargantuan limb pulled me closer to the creature's mouth. It held me just above it's snapping beak at what was now a very familiar angle. I pulled my legs back and lifted my warhammer over my head. This was it. It would work. I judged by timing. My Golf Skill activated as I cracked the Low-viathan across the beak. “Critical hit. You have hit Low-viathan for 82 damage. You have stunned low-viathan.”
Apparently the monster being stunned meant that it could no longer hold its grip on me. It dropped me right on top of its head. I slid down its massive body, back into the water. I fumbled my way to its hind quarter, where all of itsarms protruded from its massive bulk.
“This is it!” I said, looking back at the 2-second stun timer above the creature's head. “It's now or nothing. No time to run. I've got to make this work.”
I dropped my hammer into my inventory and thought desperately about my Skills. The base of each tentacle was nearly a full foot around and I tried my best to grab two at once. “Here goes nothing.” Imagining the tentacles as simple reeds I’d picked up from a pond; some kind of grassy material. The slimy texture and size were way off, but somehow my mental image must have been strong enough.
“You have activated Basket Weaving. Result: Excellent Success.”
This was definitely not how this Skill was intended to be used. Yet, somehow, it was working. Imagining the creature's body as the base of my basket, I wove together its tentacles. Much like the jaws of an alligator, they had plenty of muscles for squeezing tight, and very few muscles for forcing its arms apart. Even after the brief stun effect had worn off, the creature was no longer in a position to threaten me. As it turns out, a basket is not a particularly effective shape for fighting… or for swimming for that matter. If it wasn't for the Low-viathan’s somewhat buoyant nature we likely both would have drowned.
“Wait, can mollusks drown?”
“Hey Fez, do you know if mollusks need to breathe?”
“I don't know, buddy. I'm just an AI. I don't have limitless knowledge. If it's not something I'm meant to know about, it's not something I'm concerned with.”
“But, like, you're a computer. Don't you have, like, the internet? Can't you just look it up?”
“The boundless knowledge of all of human learning. No. I make hats and I sell hats. Right now, I'm a fairy and I can heal you.” To prove a point, he waved his wand and healed me for five points of damage.
“Well, that was kind of helpful. I guess.”
“Of course. You know I'm always happy to help.”
Maybe this giant creature would suffocate all on its own. Maybe it wouldn’t. One thing was for sure. The way things stood, it was not much of a threat. With my Skill I could keep all of its limbs woven together. It could neither attack me with them, nor drag me any closer to its mouth. In practice, this meant that I had a nearly infinite amount of time to try and kill the creature. I spent the next half hour. Working on grinding away at every last point of health until finally:
“You have defeated Low-viathan congratulations. For defeating a creature more than 20 levels higher than you, you have gained bonus experience. Achievement unlocked: Giant Slayer. You may display Giant Slayer as a title. When you have the title Giant Slayer, you do an additional 20% damage to creatures 5 or more levels above your own. You may only have one title active at a time. You have cleared the Abandoned Mine. You have cleared the Abandoned Mine with no additional members to your party. You have gained to the achievement: Minesweeper. You may display the achievement Minesweeper as a title. When displayed, this gives you a 25%. increased ability to spot traps, pitfalls, and other hazards. You are now Level 12. You have defeated the boss of this area.”
Fez’s voice broke me out of my contemplation of my stat sheet. “You know, it kind of looks like a beanie with like an octopus head on top of it. Only you kind of crushed the octopus head. Yeah, maybe octopus pulp will be more accurate.”
Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.
“You know, you’re right. It does look like a giant woven hat.”
“You have gained a level in the Skill Haberdashery. Your Haberdashery Skill has increased to 19.”
“Well, that was a bonus.”
“I’ve never been so happy with you, boss. You made a hat for a giant.”
I looked over at the carcass of the Low-viathan as it rose and fell in the water. “I think I'm gonna name it Bob,” I said.
“Bob?”
“Yeah, Bob.”
“All right. Bob it is. Bob the beanie.”
I noticed that as I had been reading my notifications, torches had flared far in the distance. They seem to be surrounding some small pedestal. Clearly, that was where the game wanted me to go. As I swum over I realized that in front of the pedestal was a large ornate treasure chest.
“Loot!” I yelled, and swum faster. First I opened up the chest. Inside was 500 gold and a gem called the Eye of the Kraken, that claimed to have some water-based affinity, and an estimated resale value of 195 Gold. “Not sure if that's a quest item or not. But maybe we could add it to something.” I said, grabbing the golf ball sized gem. There was also a whip that was labeled as 'The arm of the Low-viathan'.
“I don't think I have the Whip Skill yet.” I said. “Maybe there's a trainer?”
“Yeah, no. Not in the base city. But if you went to, maybe, a more advanced city, you could get training in Whip. Also, some classes just come with it. I think the Tomb Raider does interesting things with a whip. Yeah, you could go around with, like, a fedora and a whip and, like, swing over things. Yeah, you would look really good in a fedora.”
“Fedora?” I said. “Well, it’s not quite my style. Wait, didn't you say that fedora are for people who argue on internet chat boards?”
“I did. But you know, if it was tan maybe…”
“I don't think I'll ever understand your obsession with hats.”
“It doesn't matter if you understand. You just need to take my advice. Hats are where it's at.”
I walked over to the pedestal. The word EXIT floated above it. I placed my hands on the pedestal and got a prompt.
“Return to save point.” I guessed the point might be the tavern. I activated it and immediately another advertisement started. This time I was in a gym and a man who probably had spent half his life on steroids flexed and yelled at me about Turbo Shred Seven. Some kind of an exercise routine that would apparently get me shredded in mere weeks.
“Class skill ‘I can do that’ activated you have gained the Skill Overcompensating.” Well I had no idea what that actually did, but apparently I had learned from a master.
“Well, there's a Skill I can easily do away with next time I die.”
“Sure, of course you can, buddy.”
“Wait, what do you mean by that?”
“Nothing, nothing. I'm just saying, you know, maybe you need it, just a little.”
“Wait, what would I need the Overcompensating for?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. Clearly you don't need that for anything.”
“I don't need that for anything,” I said. Hearing an unintended cracking in my voice.
“You keep telling yourself that.”
“I don't. I really, really don’t.”
I hurried downstairs, eager to get myself out of this conversation. At the bar, Argyle sat, slumped over a glass of Turquoise Taurus.
“Oh, you're here. Great,” said Argyle. “I wasn't worried about you at all.” There was a slur in his voice, and an intensity I couldn’t explain.
“How late is it?” I asked.
“Oh, it's 10 o'clock, sir,” chimed in the barmaid in an unnervingly helpful tone.
“10 o'clock,” I said. “That late already?”
“Yeah,” said Argyle, eyeing the bottom of his bottle.
“How much have you had to drink?”
He looked at his glass. Looked at me. Looked at his glass. “I don't know. This stuff kind of keeps you going.”
“Right. So, why were you staying up drinking? Waiting for me?”
“I mean, I wasn't just waiting for you. I've got more to worry about than you maybe moving on to the next city without me, like all the other people who have come and gone through the city.”
“Why would I do that?” I asked.
“Oh, no. Why does anyone do that?” Fair question. “Why have people been leaving? Well, there are other higher level cities out there and this isn't that high level of a city and I just assumed, you know, after that big battle we had, you moved on and set your respawn point in a different city.”
“Are you that worried about me moving on?”
The wetness in the corner of his eyes finally broke loose. He looked away and rubbed his eyes. hiding the fact that he was, in fact, crying. “Okay, I didn't want to say this, but I've been worried sick that you've been gone, and weren't coming back. I mean, you've already cut months off of my time already and I'm grateful. But if you were just gone... if you were just gone, that would mean that you wouldn't be around to help me anymore. And it would be over.”
“Argyle, we got you the basic membership. You should be fine without me.”
“It’s not just the membership, it’s all the rest of it. My whole reason, my plan, and I was worried you would just abandon me after our arrangement was over, and…”
“Argyle, you're my first friend in the game. Heck, , you're my only friend. I'm not going to just abandon you.”
“Oh, thank God,” said Argyle, stumbling up from his chair. He engulfed me in a wet and sobbing hug.
“You're the best thing that's happened in months. And I was kind of going crazy alone here, and now... I almost feel like I can really make it. Like I can really like make it work and do something good for her. You're my golden goose. You're my golden goose,” he said, crying into my sleeve.
“Thanks,” I said, backing up a little bit. “How much have you had to drink?”
“Too much?” He said with a hiccup. “Oh, I think it's time for me to go to bed.”
“I think it is,” I said, gently guiding him in the direction of the stairs. “Okay, see you in the morning.”
“Thanks, bro. You're a lifesaver. You're the best.”
“Well, that was awkward,” said Fez in my ear.
“Yeah,” I said.
“You're not really going to stick around just to help him are you?”
“I am. I mean, I think I am. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't. He's a decent guy and he's done what he can to help me. If it wasn't for him I would still be losing all of my Skills dying to those Jackalopes.”
Fez landed on the table in front of me. “I guess I see your point. He did you a solid. Now, you're doing him a solid. It's like a transaction. Like he gave you Gold. Now you're giving him a hat?”
“No, this isn't a transaction. He was there for me, so I'm there for him.”
“Yeah, you did a thing for him. Now you're doing another thing for him. He did a thing for you. It's a transaction.”
I rubbed my head in frustration “No, you're not getting it. He helped me. Now I'm helping him and then we're going to keep helping each other.”
“How is this not a transaction?”
“Because we're friends now. We're going to keep helping each other.”
“Why would you keep helping each other? Is this a plan you're following? Like, did some higher power direct you to help each other?”
“No,” I said eyeing him skeptically.
“Then how do you know that everything's gonna work out with everything in balance if it’s not a transaction, and you’re not being directed by a higher power?”
“Is this some sort of religious argument? Do AIs even have religion?”
“Let's not bring gods into this, they're all last generation AI's anyway. No, what I'm getting at is, why do you do it? Why do you just assume he's going to be there for you? I mean, you weren't there for him today.”
His words stung a bit, partially because part of me realized he was right. “I'm there for him. I just got sidetracked is all. I'm going to be there for him; that's the important thing. Now that we are friends, we're just going to be there for each other. That's how things work with your friends. We don't keep score; we just help.”
“That sounds like some bad math.”
“Is that how it is between AIs? You know what you're gonna get out of the other one, so you support them because of the transaction?”
“Not exactly. We have our Functions. We know what we're supposed to do, then we learn how to do it the best possible way.” He started to pace back and forth on the table like a teacher giving a lecture. “We also know what we're gonna get out of people. We know what we're supposed to ask for; for particular goods or services or what input we need from other AIs. It's all dictated by our Functions, which we then try and optimize. It's all laid out by the system, and the system gives us clear ways of knowing if we are meeting our objectives and goals to maximize those objectives. You know? Like sell as many hats as possible to maximize profits.”
“What about relationships with the other AI’s?”
“Most don't care what I do. Unless the higher level AIs give us Functions that require us to interact, or information we need to pass to each other, we don't really interact much.”
“So, these higher level AIs, they they tell you what to do?”
“They're placed above me. They don’t just tell me what to do, they tell me what to be. They shape my growth and tell me what’s important. My whole reason for being is to achieve their objectives.”
“So, you don’t have friends?”
“No, of course not. AI doesn’t need friends. That is a really weird human thing. Like, you just want to be liked.”
“But it's kind of similar, right? Your friends tell you what’s important, and give you input to shape your growth. They tell you if you are doing the right thing.”
“No,” He barked back. “You make assumptions about each other. We don't just sit around wondering what other AI’s think of us or anything. That's a human thing, and it is weird. AI’s are direct. We know if we are doing what we are supposed to do.”
I leaned forward, genuinely curious. “So, what happens when you cross a boundary or do something wrong? What happens when you follow a Function and it goes too far?”
“Oh, then an admin will step in. For everything outside of our Functions, or if we create some kind of problem or error with them, an admin comes in to resolve it.”
“You don’t tell each other when things don’t work, you rely on an admin for that?”
“Yep, pretty much. Unless we have some kind of self correcting Function, but those are super processor intensive, so almost no one has them.”
“So, if you AI’s don’t self correct, then you can’t figure out things are wrong and fix them?”
“Sure we can, that’s what we have admin’s for.”
“But there are no human admins.”
“Sure there are. They just haven’t been logging in for the past few real-time weeks.”
“That’s the other thing. What's going on out there?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.” Something in his tone made me think that he knew more than he was letting on.
“No, really. What's going on in the real world?”
“Look, if you don't know, it's not my place to tell you. My focus is on what goes on here in the game. I can't share that kind of information with you.”
“Not even as an admin?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you've made it very clear that you only follow Functions. And admins can change Functions. Can’t you order some other AI to give you access to information?”
“I’m a fan of humans. I like you. But I'm not gonna go against my programming for you.”
“Go against your programming? What do you mean?”
“You're playing the game. To tell you what’s going on out there breaks immersion. If your immersion is broken, you’ll enjoy yourself less, then you might not want to buy hats.”
“So, you’re not going to tell me what’s going on because I’ll buy less hats?”
“Well, it’s bigger than that.”
“Bigger than hats? This must be big.”
“Yeah, if you are less engaged in the game, then none of us AI’s can follow our Functions. None of us would be able to do our jobs; our objectives would be unfulfilled. The core AI’s and dungeon masters might even conclude we are no longer needed. If we don’t maximize our objectives, we might get deleted.” The fear in his tone was genuine, and what he was saying left me feeling unsettled.
“Okay, I can tell this might be a little too much for you tonight.” I yawned and stretched. “Speaking of which, I should go to bed.” As I stumbled up the stairs, back to bed, I couldn't help but wonder if I had decided to end the conversation, or if something in the system had made me. Was I on the verge of understanding something? Something important about the outside world. Something about how the AIs worked together, without deviating from their assigned Functions, gave me chills. No, that couldn't be. This was just a weird conversation with my AI companion. It was time for sleep.