I landed in the bed that I would come to despise. For a moment I had a brief thought of a camp site, a sleeping bag, and someone next to me, but no. That wasn’t here. I was in a bed. A very itchy, pointy bed. Was this one made of straw, maybe? That didn't make any sense. The last bed I had been in was very comfortable. So comfortable. Where was this? I racked my brain to come up with any details of where I was and why I was here. Thinking came at the cost of pain, like daggers thrust in to my forehead.
Looking around the room it was rustic to say the least. Wooden walls, wooden floors, a round wooden table next to the bed with a clay jug on it, and curtains spun from course linen decorating the window.
“Where am I?” Is that what my voice sounded like? It seemed different somehow.
A knock came at the door. “This is your wake up call,” said a very polite female voice.
Wake up call? Did I order a wake up call? How had I gotten here? Where was this? I couldn’t remember anything, not even what my name was. Just a complete blank.
The knock came again louder this time, like a baseball bat to the forehead. “This is your wake up call. You are expected at the Adventurers Guild this morning. You should be getting up.”
None of this made sense. None of it sounded familiar. The walls and my stomach spun in opposite directions as I got to my feet.
Some habit in the back of my brain had me doing a body check. I groggily patted down myself down, clapping my hands against my shoulders, my chest. I felt the contours of my face. I reached down. Male. Yes, I'm male. Why did I feel the need to check that?
“Oh! This is not my body. This is definitely not my body.” I was skinnier, svelte. When I felt my ears they came to points. All of my arm hair and leg hair was slightly greenish and the hair on my head was shoulder length. Pulling it in front of my face I could see it, too, was vibrant moss green.
There was something about that. The words Swamp Elf was dredged up from the back of my memory. I had just heard that words minutes ago. Or was it just a dream? What was I doing before I got here?
Memory loss? Was I concussed? Did I need to get to a hospital? How could I go to a hospital if I didn’t know my name, and didn’t have my ID? My heart was racing.
I took a deep breath. My heart slowed. A sense of calm gripped me. Even the pain in my head felt fainter, more distant.
The knock came yet again. “Excuse me, this is your wake up call. You'd better get up or you'll be late.”
“I'm coming,” I managed to croak out.
There was a set of wool traveling clothes on the trunk at the foot of the bed that I assumed must be mine. I pulled on my scratchy pants and shirt and opened the door.
“Ah, you're up.” said the smiling barmaid. “Breakfast is being served downstairs when you're ready. A basic breakfast is included with your room, but premium options are also available. So glad to have you staying with us …”
She seemed to pause and freeze in place as if she was expecting something.
My name. She must be waiting for my name. That made sense. What was my name? As I sat there, paused in thought, a text window appeared in my vision. White letters on a blue background.
“Please choose your name.”
Seemed odd. You would think I'd have a name and I wouldn't have to choose it. Names seemed like a thing that you should just have. Oh well. Maybe I should pick something fierce. Like ‘Goregaff the bloody’. Or maybe I should pick something friendly like ‘Felicity'? Maybe something funny... ‘not the droids you're looking for'. That seemed funny. For a moment part of my brain registered that that wouldn't be appropriate in this kind of setting, but why would that be? Why would I even have such a thought?
Well, these questions were getting me nowhere and I could smell breakfast coming from downstairs… Second breakfast? Also, the barmaid seemed to just stay paused mid-sentence. I looked closer at her. She seemed frozen in place. The weird thing was she didn't even seem to be breathing, just smiling politely. “Is finding out my name that important to her that she is literally holding her breath? Alright I'll pick something simple like Finch. Finch. I've used that one before. No problem.”
“I’m Finch.”
“Confirm name,” the window said. “Would you like to be named Finch? Yes/No.”
“Yes.”
“Please choose Gender: male, female, non-binary.”
“Well, we already established that one. No use arguing with biology.” I selected male, and felt a little odd about it.
“Confirm Gender,” the window said. “Would you like to be male? Yes/No.”
“Yes.”
“Well, Mr. Finch, you'll be wanting to make your way down to the common room for breakfast,” said the barmaid with an even more welcoming smile. Just like that, she was moving again. I hadn't even noticed; it was almost like the second I had confirmed my name, she was just ready.
“How could my name be so important to her, that she would stand still like that for so long?” Something tugged at my brain, but my body moved on its own as I followed her downstairs to the common room.
The closer I got, the stronger the delicious scent of bacon became. The second I stepped through the doors I was overtaken by truly divine visions of fried meat. I could smell the bacon in the air, hear the sizzle as it hit the pan and the crackling of the fat rendering off. My vision seemed to zoom in on the cook sliding four perfect strips of bacon onto a plate next to an expertly cooked sunny-side-up egg.
Without thought, I crunched down on an absolutely divine stripped of salty, crunchy bacon. I took one chew of the utterly sublime flavors, swallowed and then realized I was still standing in the doorway. There was no bacon in my mouth. There was no bacon in my hand. I hadn't even ordered yet. I was just standing there, paused like an idiot.
“Come on in, sir,” said the barmaid as if this was just part of the routine and everyone stood in the doorway with a dopey expression on their face.
I realized I hadn't asked her what her name was, and just as I thought I might, text appeared above her head saying simply 'Barmaid'. Okay, I guess her name is Barmaid. That's simple enough to remember.
She showed me to a table off to one side and pointed at a crude menu etched on a slab on the wall and said “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Can I get anything for you to start?”
“Bacon,” I said before I could even think of anything else.
“of course, sir.” She said “Anything else I can get you?”
I looked at the crude menu on the wall, only to have a window pop up in my vision with a list of all items on offer. There were three tabs on the menu: Included with Room, Additional for Gold, and Premium for Emeralds. The second and third tabs had a small emoji of a gold coin and an emerald. Scrolling through the Included with Room tab, I made a selection.
“Maybe some orange juice.” I felt like I had just recently had some really good orange juice. And so bacon and orange juice just seemed like exactly what I should be having right now. Where was I, that I had had that bacon and orange juice? Hill Rest Inn? It all seemed so hazy.
“Of course, sir. I'll be right back with it.”
A relaxed smile broke across my face. I looked around the room. It looked for all the world like the dictionary definition of a mid-level tavern. The mismatched tables were wooden and splintery. The room was lit by candlelight and a stone fireplace on the far wall. Windows, too small and dirty to let in anything but the brownest and poorest quality light, looked out on a bustling street. Behind the bar were large casks and a barmaid identical to the one who was even now returning with my juice.
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Everywhere I looked there were happy patrons dressed in adventurer's cosplay eating breakfast. They all seemed to be organized in groups of four to six and many of them talked loudly about fighting monsters or getting treasures or winning tournaments. “Hardly enough though.” “I reckon. I saw one.” Their conversations seemed routine and scripted. A few were playing darts and bragging about loot. As I listened, I realized that they were talking, but not really saying anything. Like the same sequence of sentences were on repeat.
I noticed a short fellow standing in the doorway with an idiotic smile on his bearded face. He paused there for a minute, smiling. Then he looked around, confused, and then he would frown and stepped backwards. He waited another moment and stepped back into the doorway and immediately plastered the same grin on his face. He didn't just do this once, but continued to repeat himself... 9, 10, 11 times. When my food arrived, he was still at it.
So, I asked my only friend in the world, Barmaid. “So what's up with that guy?” I asked, gesturing at the man in the doorway.
“He's an Adventurer.” She said with a look of tranquility on her face.
“Yeah, I get that. But, what's he doing?”
“Adventurers often come here to eat and rest.”
“Okay. But why is he, you know, doing that?”
“Doing what, sir?”
“Wandering in out of the door like that?”
“What do you mean, sir?” She asked with a calmness that was rapidly approaching the uncanny valley.
“I mean, isn't it odd that he just keeps on walking in and out of the door?”
“Does he? How interesting.” Her tone was equal parts kind indulgence and indifference.
“Interesting is not really the word I would use for it,” I replied.
“Well, can I get you anything else?”
“No, thank you. Hey, you said that I have an appointment over at the Adventurers Guild. Where is that?”
“Oh, it's just down the street. Go out that door, hang a right, go down three blocks, and you'll be right there.”
“Thank you. Do you know what time my appointment is?”
“No, sir, I don't , but I'm sure you have plenty of time for more breakfast if you would like. The Basic Meal is covered with your room, but we can upgrade you to better Meals. We have the Double Bacon Breakfast, the Super Bacon Omelet,and the Mega Bacon and Avocado Breakfast. A Basic Meal Upgrade is just ten Gold and for Superior Meals it will only cost you fifty Gold. Superior Meals give you a Buff for the day. Premium Meals, which can be purchased with Emeralds, will give you longer lasting Buffs. Once unlocked, Premium Meals will be available at any eatery, any time you like. Would you like to upgrade your Meal?” She seemed to come alive with these words, like her dearest ambition in life was to introduce me to a Premium Breakfast Burrito with extra bacon.
“No thanks,” I said.
“Well, okay, let me know if there's anything else I can get you. Also, Wine, Ale, and any other alcoholic beverages are available for purchase.”
“All right, thanks,” I said.
“No problem and remember unlocking an alcohol type in one establishment makes it available at every establishment. Enjoy.”
I felt my brow crinkle as I considered her words. How would buying a drink here mean that it would be available at every place that I went? There was something screwy going on. Something was happening and I just didn't get it. The thought, “This isn’t real,” crossed my mind and just as quickly vanished.
I looked up at the door and the man... no, dwarf entered yet again. Do dwarves usually have blond dreadlocks? And why does that rough hemp hoodie make me think he’s a freshmen? The goofy smile slouched across his face once again as he stepped in. Then he drooled. “That's just not normal,” I thought to myself, finishing my meal.
I was tempted to talk to him and ask him what was up, but I realized I should probably get going if I wanted to make my appointment on time. The only problem was, the smiling dwarf was blocking the door. I realized he wasn't just blocking the door for me. There was a line of happy townspeople standing behind him ready to get into the tavern. How long had he been doing this?
“Excuse me,” I said tentatively. “Would you mind if I got past you?”
He looked at me bewildered for a moment. “Oh, sorry man.” He said in the husky voice that sounded like it didn't get much use. “I forgot sometimes people come out of here. It's just so much better in the demo, you know, I kind of got lost in the moment.”
“Odd thing to say,” I thought as I stepped past him. “What was better in the demo? What demo?”
The street was bustling with activities. Merchants and townsfolk walking to and fro. In the back of my mind I had a strange thought that the colors were too bright and vibrant. That it was historically inaccurate to have so many bright oranges and rich blues and that only rich people of this time period would have such colorful clothes.
“That was an odd thought,” I said and instinctively turned my head to the left. Two carts parked in the middle of the road made it impossible to venture to the left. I stood there a long moment, examining it, like some part of me had to find some way around and through the obstruction. My thoughts cleared suddenly. “Well, at least the Adventurers Guild is to the right.”
As I walked, I heard the constant calling out of shopkeepers advertising Gear Upgrades and Wardrobe Patches.
“Big hats! Impress your friends with a really big hat!”
“Get your own Dapper mustache! Woodcutters Beard, Dwarven Braids! Facial hair for all occasions!”
“Heavy Metal Ax of Slaying! Slay the dragon and win the princess' heart with your musical and military talent; be the baddest ax-man on the block.”
“ Duchess's Dresses! Duchesses Dresses! Be the belle of the ball with the Duchess Dresses.”
“Gothic clown! Creep out your friends with a Gothic Clown outfit!”
"Gothic clown? What would that even look like?”
No sooner had I said it, then a window popped up with an image of an elf with green hair in an all-black clown outfit. “I guess that must be me in the image.”
I could see a price beneath: 80 Gold. There were several more outfits for sale in this menu with names like “Rainbow Swashbuckler, Punk-Rock Priest, and Lululemon Lolita Lancer.” This last one had me concerned and brought up strange mental images. All were about the same price. I started scrolling through, but after I had gotten through maybe a dozen the names and colors became grayed out. Each grayed-out entry had a little note next to it: "Available after completion of first quest.”
My outfit was pretty boring. Maybe I should get something more interesting to wear? After all, if I'm an adventurer, I needed to look the part. How do adventurers dress? Well, maybe I should scope out a few outfits at the adventurers guild before I make any decisions. Besides How much money did I even have? no sooner than I had thought it, then a small window popped up in the periphery of my vision.
“100 Gold. Credit account not connected. Would you like to connect your credit account to purchase additional funds? Yes / No.”
I knew I was in a hurry and I needed to get to the Adventurers Guild, but it seemed like I really should connect my credit account. Like I really, really wanted to set up automatic payments and subscribe to something. I didn't really even know what exactly, just that I ought to subscribe to something.
You know that feeling when you're really thirsty, and you walk into the kitchen and you don't even know how it happens. Your favorite soda is just in your hand and you find yourself cracking it open. But you don't remember opening the fridge. Well, I found myself doing exactly that, but it wasn't soda. It was clicking through menus to set up my credit account.
“Existing account on device detected. Doreen Smith., Would you like to authorize billing to existing account: Doreen Smith?”
That name didn't sound at all familiar. Who was Doreen Smith? That couldn't be my name. I had never been Doreen Smith. My name was Finch. I had been Finch before, right? I had never been Doreen. The prompt sat there insistent, waiting for me to confirm.
“Well, what the heck? Let's see what happens when I hit yes.”
“Error. Biometrics not consistent with Doreen Smith. Previous authorization exists by Doreen Smith for credit account for 'Endless Adventure Online’. Error. Device registered to Doreen Smith. User is not Doreen Smith. Error reconciling.”
I don't know if you have ever experienced the entirety of your perception all of a sudden being gripped with terrible lag, but I would not recommend it. It was like a super slow dial up modem from the late 90s. It is simultaneously terrifying and boring. The world froze. Even the passage of time seemed unsure of itself. All I could see was a frozen image of a couple in fancy dress walking into a haberdashery with some outrageously large feather plumes displayed in the front window. It was crisp and clear, high resolution, and would have been absolutely beautiful, had it not been for the sheer terror of being frozen in place, unable to move.
I couldn't even breathe. I tried doing the deep breathing exercises that I had learned somewhere, but my chest couldn't move.
No air was flowing. I began to panic.
This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to be breathing. You can't just stop breathing. If you stopped breathing, you'd die.
My heart should be racing. But it wasn't; there was just nothing. Everything was just still.
Most people have never experienced panic apart from the physical sensations of the body, but I have to tell you it's possible, and it is way, WAY, worse.
After an incalculable amount of time, perhaps seconds or perhaps months, text started flashing in my vision, obstructing the view of artistically quaffed ostrich feathers.
“Data Multiplicity Unresolved. Biometrics: No match. No gender match. No existing account. Subscription: Yes. Enabled Free Editing of Avatar: Yes. Counter Spoofing: Not detected. Contacting Admins for resolution. No Admins available. Enabling AI admin. Please wait for AI admin statement.”
“Just combine the damn accounts, why don't you?” This was a gravelly voice at odds with the previously dispassionate female voice.
“Combining account and account authorization. We are sorry for the inconvenience. Access to full subscription enabled. Access to credit account enabled. Please accept our apologies for freezing you. We understand this is unpleasant. As an apology, you will be receiving three months of Platinum level subscription. 500 in-game Emeralds have been deposited in your account. You will be given the option of upgrading one companion to a Mark six-thirty-two advanced AI. Is this an acceptable resolution? Yes / No.”
Relief swept over me as I could once again move and breathe. I fell forward and kissed the cobblestone street in front of me. “Oh yes, yes! Yes! I can breathe.”
“Resolution accepted. Thank you for playing 'Endless Adventure Online’.”
“Wait, no! I… okay fine.” Well, at least I was no longer frozen. “I never want to experience that again. Hopefully this Platinum subscription will be worth something and I can keep playing the game.”
No sooner had I thought about continuing to play the game then I remembered.
“I have an appointment at the adventurers guild! Yes, that's what I should be doing. I have an appointment. At the adventurers guild.” Some little piece of me remembered being frozen, though I was beginning to feel unnaturally calm.
I couldn't forget that I had been frozen! I should be terrified!
“On to the adventures guild!” I cheered.