I stood at the back of a giant room full of computers. Technicians were typing away. A giant monitor projection screen on the wall had a map of the world with hundreds of red and green blinking lights. The wall screen zoomed in on a region in Australia. The lights there started flashing and blinking more rapidly.
“Server traffic is growing exponentially.” The voice was from a dark haired technician sitting in front of me. “Our network can't hold the traffic. It's going down.”
A blond woman to my left knocked the papers from her desk and started typing frantically on her keyboard. “This is going to cause cascade failure. The whole global network is gonna come down.”
“Quickly, we've got to scale up bandwidth.”
“You can't do that on the fly!”
An Asian woman in an expensive looking suit stood up. “What's causing all this traffic anyway?” On the big screen, the image changed to a toddler falling over and crying. A Black Labrador puppy started licking his tears until he started laughing and clapping.
A cheerful announcer voice with a New Zealand accent played over the loudspeakers. “Don't get caught unaware by unexpected server traffic. Global integrated data solutions handles all your data scaling needs. Powered by AI, it can automate all your data tasks, migrate your old servers to cloud storage, and scale up and down bandwidth as needed. Update and integrate this new software.”
My perspective changed, I was now on a beach in a hammock, sipping on a tropical drink with an umbrella. Next to me was a laptop displaying the same map of the world. “All you need to do is sit back and let the AI's handle the traffic surge for you.”
---
I opened my eyes and I was back in my room.
I was feeling bothered by that ad. There wasn't anything in particular about data migration or cloud server integration that was particularly offensive. There was just something about it that bothered me. I felt like games this nice shouldn't have ads. But maybe it had been a while since I last played a game. Maybe that had changed. Maybe all games just had ads now.
That thought somehow seemed to fill me with terror and I suddenly broke out in a cold sweat. I couldn't help thinking maybe all things just have ads now. I knew there was something there. Something deep and terrible. My heart was racing, and my eyes flew to the window. To the sky. I was checking for something. For what? Blimps, billboards, drones. This was a fantasy setting there shouldn't be any of those. I rummaged through my bed, frantically looking for tin foil.
Just as another panic attack was about to hit me, all of a sudden blissful calm washed over me. I let out a long, slow, exhale. “Funny, I don’t think I remember inhaling so deeply.”
“Yeah, there's that whammy,” said Fez .
“Oh, what whammy?” I asked, a smile straining to escape the edges of my face.“Wait, what's going on? Oh, right. We're going out for an adventure!”
“Yeah, that one,” giggled Fez. “Gets you meatbags every time.”
“I’m sure I have no idea what you're talking about,” I replied.
“Nope. And you're not supposed to, so don't even bother thinking about it.”
Whatever nonsense he was talking about, it clearly couldn't concern me. I had antlered bunnies yet to kill and Silverberries to pick. This time would be different. This time I would win. I practically ran downstairs.
The advertisement at the base of the stairs brought me up short. “Adventure can wait, it's important to get a proper breakfast. Maybe I should upgrade my meal today?” I waved at the barmaid and sat down next to Argyle.
Unlike normal, Argyle wasn't wandering back-and-forth drooling as the ad replayed. He was sitting at the bar scribbling on a piece of paper and laughing at the result. “You know man, as your Skill level goes up, we're going to get more of those high-quality results. If my math is right, that could shave days, maybe even a week off our time.” He let out a contented sigh. Tears were already beginning to form in his eyes.
I was happy for Argyle, and he seemed genuinely grateful that we had found a way of breaking the system. I didn't know if it necessarily warranted tears, but clearly the boredom had been getting to him and this must be quite the relief. By our math, he should be able to afford his subscription in only about four weeks subjective time. I was truly happy to help. It was amazing seeing the hope returned to his face. I just couldn't help but feel like I was neglecting my own gameplay though.
Sure, it was wonderful that he would soon be able to craft all day long and not just for three hours a day, and at the same time. At the same time I would be stuck at level one until I completed my quest. My Stats wouldn't go up. I may gain a few Skill levels, but that's about it. I would be stuck here until I could complete that mission, and I was driving myself up the wall in this tiny little starter area. I was itching to go exploring. The thought of waiting around weeks was more than I could bear.
Then it hit me. If I could somehow complete my quest, we might be able to shave even more time off of Argyle's purgatory. If I agreed to help him get there regardless, maybe he would agree to help me sooner rather than later.
“Hey Argyle. What level are you?”
“Oh, level 18. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I have an idea. At your level it shouldn't be too hard to kill Jackalopes in the starter area. I mean, regardless of what your combat ability is, it's meant for level one noobs. If you can help defend me while I pick Silverberries then it shouldn't take long at all for me to complete the quest. Then, once I'm able to level up, my Stats will go up I'll be able to craft faster and have a higher chance of better successes.”
“What are you getting at?”
“Now that we know our method works, if you helped me crush my quest, then I will help you craft until you can afford your subscription.”
He paused there for a moment, scratching his beard. “You know that's not a terrible idea. Basically, what you're saying is if I use today’s re-gen to help you finish your quest. It might even save us a few more days. All right, I'm in. Those rascally rabbits won't know what hit them.”
I reached out my hand. “Then it's a deal?”
He grabbed my hand and shook “It's a deal. Let's get to fighting.”
Just like that I found myself, once again, heading towards the main gate, Argyle by my side.
He looked at me. “Out of curiosity noob, what kind of Skills you got?”
“Jeweler level 3, Gathering level 1, Observation level 2, and Flirtation level 3.” The last one I mumbled and turned away.
“Oh man, flirting. How did you get Flirtation? And how is it up to level 3, I mean you don’t even have a combat Skill.”
“I learned it with my class Skill, same way I learned Jeweler.”
“Oh yeah? What’s your class Skill?”
“It’s called ‘I can do that’. It lets me learn other Skills by watching people do them.”
“So that’s how you learned to craft from watching me? Interesting. What combat Skills does your class get?” Argyle nodded at a guard at the gate.
“None so far.” I said waving at a guard on the wall. “I just learn from watching.”
“No combat bonuses then, just free Skills?”
“That’s pretty much it.”
“That sounds great at low levels, but it’s going to be hard to specialize at high level. What made you pick it?”
“I did,” said Fez, fluttering out ahead of us.
“Woah, since when does your companion talk?” asked Argyle with a start.
“This is Fez, and you may come to miss the days when he was silent.”
“Why? Is he just one of those annoying fairy companions that can't say anything other than hey, look, and listen? I hate those simple scripts, they get so annoying.”
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
Fez fluttered in front of Argyle’s face. “Excuse me, I am way more than a simple script. I am a Pell-Mark six thirty two advanced AI with the new GPP feature.”
“Well now, that’s different. Pleased to meat you Fez dude.” The dwarf held out his fist for Fez to bump. ”So what made you recommend the class to our noob friend here?”
“He didn’t convince me to take it, the stupid system prompt convinced… me… to. That was you! You were the system prompt.”
“Yep,” said Fez, lazily floating backwards. “That was me. I convinced you to take it. I outlined and highlight it for you and everything. Admins can do stuff like that, you know. Brilliant of me yeah?”
“What’s so brilliant about it?” asked Argyle.
“It's just brilliant. Extra Stats. Extra Skill points. It’s just brilliant. I mean, most folks focus on one thing and one thing only. But imagine having Skills in Gathering and Alchemy so you can make fancy dyes. Skinning, Tanning, Sewing, Lumberjack, and Carpentry to make forms. The game gives you bonuses for every step in preparing the materials you craft with. Just think of the amazing hats you can make with all those Skills.”
I buried my face in my palm. “But there is the downside.”
“What downside?” asked Argyle.
“Well, yeah. Apparently, when I die I lose Skill points. Which is how I lost my ability to use this.” I said holding up my one and only stick.
“I was wondering about that.”
“Yeah, it didn't mention that in the Class description,” I said glaring at Fez.
“Oh, I didn't read the Class description.”
“You're an Admin. You're an AI and you didn't read the Class description. I’m stuck with a stick that I can't use until I use it to defeat the Jackalopes.”
“Well, you know you could have picked a companion with a little more muscle if you needed combat power,” said Argyle. “Even a low-level meat shield is still a meat shield.”
“I agree,” said Fez
“Yeah, sorry, it was kind of an impulsive decision. The Companions right next to you were some kind of seductive pickup artists gigolo thing.”
“That just sounds annoying,” said Argyle.
“At least it could fight,” replied Fez, crossing his arms and turning away.
“Yeah, but gigolo do most of their work without a hat.” I offered.
“You make an excellent point. Now that you mention it, I really dodged a bullet there. I’m not really interested in anything on humans below the hairline, but did you have to pick a fairy? A stiff breeze could blow me away.”
“Well, I'm glad for your sake that I didn't go that route. Imagine your entire life being obsessed with human genitals.”
“That sounds disgusting. Who goes around worrying about the genitals of everyone they interact with? That’s just moist and gross.”
“I wouldn’t say 'worry about' so much as contemplate appreciatively,” said the dwarf stroking his beard.
“I just don’t get the appeal,” said Fez, scratching his head.
We crested a hill, and the valley stretched out in front of us. I smiled ready to finally get my revenge on those feral furry freaks. “Let's get these berries.”
We looked over the lazy green valley where the murderous bunnies frolicked, and the lazy creek babbling next to the Silverberry bushes.
“I should probably let you know, I have a crafting build, not a combat build. I technically have levels in Spirit Summoner in hopes that later I might be able to enchant. My equipment isn’t really what you want in a fight. I don’t have any weapons intended for offense. The class is built around a hoard of minions, but I only have one spirit bond. Thankfully, it’s a defender, but I'm not so good at attacking. if anything gets past my summon, it's pretty much game over.”
“Thanks for letting me know man. I don't really have any combat Skills either. so I'll do what I can, but our best bet is to get in and harvest as fast as we can.”
“Then we should be very careful how we proceed. If we die at least at my level, I lose experience and gold and, well, for me time literally is money.”
I nodded at him “If I go down, you run. No sense both of us dying.”
“Thank you man.” He said with a nod.
“Are you ready for this?” I looked down at the path down into the valley. “As soon as we step off the road and onto the grass, they're going to attack.” I looked at Argyle.
He held my gaze for a moment. “All right, are you ready to be done with this damn rabbit field?”
“Ready and eager,” I said.
Argyle took out a drum and started beating it with a oversized drum stick, almost a club. Then he started dancing, hopping from foot to foot and singing... more chanting, really. In some monotonous meditative voice he intoned words that didn't make much sense. “The shaman has three hands, and on his back a wing.” As he danced back and forth glowing shape appeared in front of us that solidified into a giant red wombat.
I don't know if you've ever seen a wombat before, but they're not the most intimidating or aggressive looking creatures. They look sort of like chubby, stumpy little rats with stubbly koala faces.I really only knew it was a wombat because the label 'wombat spirit' rested over it’s head with a long red health bar. This one was maybe the size of a small pony, and I wish I could say it was rippling with muscles, but I can’t.
“Now, I know what you're thinking,” said Argyle, noticing me eye in the creature's stubby little claws with suspicion. “It's not much for attack. But it's got a thick hide and it'll do wonders for keeping those critters distracted.”
“All right,“ I said. “It’s a little odd, but as long as I've got the time to pick berries I don't care if it's a wombat or a platypus or a cuddly kitten. If it can tank for us, I’m happy”
“Um, so you said there were a lot,” said Argyle. “I didn't think you meant this many.” The valley was hopping, literally hopping with Jackalopes. They bounced in chaotic patterns as far as the eye could see. Like a bubbling cauldron of fur and horns.
“The longer we stand here, the harder it's going to be to get to those berries.”
“Let's move,” said Argyle, gesturing his summon forward with a wave of his drumstick. Obediently the wombat spirit trudged forwards to defend us against its fluffier rodent cousins.
Immediately, two Jackalopes dove at the wombat at the same time. It managed to knock one aside, but the other gored it’s shoulder. It turned and dispatched the offending fluff-ball with a bite. Already another one was coming up in front and the wombat spirit had only a moment to react before it charged.
“Well, it’s a good thing they’re weak. It almost never kills things this well.” Argyle shouted to me.
The spirit manage to bat the offending Jackalope out of the air, opening up a path ahead for a few dozen feet. We rushed forward, practically running at the ocean of red spots on our mini map.
In moments we were surrounded. I tried to bat away a curly horned brown Jackalope as it tried to come in from the side, but without any Skill in Improvised Weapons all I could do was flail my stick helplessly as the creature ducked below my guard. It's horns scoring a deep gash along my thigh.
“You have been hit by Jackalope for 4 damage.”
With that, 20% of my hit points were gone. Thankfully Argyle was there, darting over and smacking away the offending creature with a swing of his oversized drumstick. This clearly was not the best offensive weapon, but given his overwhelming advantage in his Stats it didn't matter. He swung and the creature went down. I turned to say thanks, but he interrupted me. “Keep moving! Get to those bushes!”
We pressed on running. We were nearly halfway to the bushes when the next wave of critters found us. I couldn't tell exactly how high its hit points were, but the meter above its head moved visibly each time it was injured. On the positive side, for every hit it took, it took at least three Jackalopes with it. Rabbits flew, knocked aside to the left and right by its oversized paws.
Argyle seemed to be making a good show of himself as well. His drum doubled as a shield, and his hammer-like drum stick bashed in skulls of dashing creatures with ease. However, he too, was taking hit after hit.
I fell into the middle sandwiched between the two of them, doing my best to not get hit. The press of bodies slowed our movement forward, and several antlers managed to get through our defenses.
“You have been hit by Jackalope for 4 damage. You have been hit by Jackalope for 3 damage. You have been hit by Jackalope for 4 damage“ Over half my health was gone by the time we finally got to the bushes.
Jackalopes were even thicker here. Underneath every canopy of leaves there seemed to be a crouching figure. Argyle and his spirit wombat were struggling to defend me. They had been taking the majority of the hits and both of their health bars had changed from green to yellow.
“If you're going to get those, you'd better do it fast.” yelled Argyle, knocking aside a large black bunny with tiny goat horns.
I dashed towards the nearest bush, examining it. I didn't see any of the fruit I was looking for. “This one's a dud,” I called out, dashing towards the next one. This one had a nice plump Silverberry just within arm's reach. I grabbed for it and realized I hadn't checked for ambushers before grabbing the fruit.
A small brown and white Jackalope leaped forwards catching me in the ribcage.
“You have been hit by Jackalope for 3 damage.”
I managed to swat it aside, getting a lucky hit with my improvised stick.
“You have hit jackalope for 5 damage.” At the same time I knew that one more hit could be the end of me, I had to be more vigilant.
I dashed forward to the next bush, checking it for berries and predators. I managed to dodge the hidden assailant that had been crouched under its leafy foliage and grabbed another Silverberry, only to hear Argyle’s voice behind me. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, wombat down, wombat down! We're on our own!”
I looked back at him, and sure enough his summon spirit was completely dog piled by ferocious, mean, biting creatures. It evaporated into a puff of blue smoke as I turned towards the next bush, only to see three enemies blocking my path. I knew I could dodge one, but the other two would get me, so I decided not to try.
I tried running at them and diving over. It worked and I rolled up towards the next bush. A bright shining berry was right in front of my face. I reached out for it. My fingers were within less then an inch when...
“You have been hit by Jackalope for 6 damage. You have been hit by Jackalope for 5 damage. You have been hit by Jackalope for 6 damage. Critical hit. You have been hit by Jackalope for 11 damage.”
Any one of those strikes would have been enough to kill me. The four together just seemed excessive. “You have died. You were killed by Jackalope. Jack of all Trades class penalty activated. You have lost a point in Jeweler. Spectacular defeat: you have been defeated by suffering additional damage equal to your max HP or above. You lose 2 additional points of Jeweler. Your Jeweler Skill score is now 0. You no longer have the Skill Jeweler. Attempts to relearn this Skill will happen at a penalty.”
I woke up staring at a familiar ceiling on a straw stuff mattress and yelled. I yelled bloody murder as if someone had taken my dog. As if someone had threatened my life. As if I could destroy a Jackalope with pure sound. I yelled and then I fell back into the bed crying. Crying because I knew that now I couldn't help Argyle without that Jeweler Skill. Our little workaround would no longer work. I couldn't help him make jewelry. I couldn't live up to my end of the bargain and to add insult to injury, he had just died.
I mean, I didn't know he had died, but there's no way he could have gotten out of that without dying.
I cried. I cried because it was all useless and pointless. I cried because I was just going to be stuck here. Level 1 noob forever. I cried and cried until my body took an involuntary deep breath.
Within seconds I was calm, and my face seemed to be miraculously dry. I stood up, looked out the window and smiled a Cheshire Cat smile.
“No use crying. I'd better get out there. Adventure awaits,” I heard my voice say and I found myself walking downstairs to the main room of the tavern. I saw it like it was happening to me. I found something true, something real, something to rest my mind on. I held on to the sadness. After all, a smile alone can't fix a broken heart.