“This is the place?” My jaw dropped open and I broke out into a cold sweat.
“This is my shop,” said Fez, throwing his arms wide like a model on a game show presenting the latest amazing prize.
“This is the spot that I was stuck staring at when the game froze.”
“Yeah, I know. I was the closest Pell series advanced AI, so I got promoted to be your admin for half a second.”
“Will it even work if you aren’t inside?”
“It should. I might still have permissions inside. Let's go take a look. Oh boy! I used to make the best hats in there.” He swooped down and grabbed onto my finger and pulled me dragging my feet towards the door.
I wasn't standing in the shop; I was standing on a grassy hillside in the morning sunshine.In the distance there was a lighter green patch, circular with a flag in the middle.
Next to me, a man wearing a light pink polo shirt was posed with a golf club over his head. Sunlight glinted off of his fancy watch, his designer sunglasses, and his perfectly white teeth. I think I recognized him from a hemorrhoid cream commercial I'd seen before. Whosh, click. The ball flew down the fairway, bounced once, twice, and rolled along the green. I could hear it sharply, as if I was holding the flag. The golf ball dropped neatly into the hole.
“Class skill ‘I can do That” activated.’ You have learned the Skill Golf. You have learned Golf from a Grand Master. Your Golf Skill is 15.”
An exaggeratedly proportioned woman, wearing a white miniskirt, white polo, white shoes with white socks, and a white sun visor carried a tray with a single cocktail. The golfer grabbed the drink and took a slow sip. As he did, I could taste it. It tasted like pinecones and olives.
“Halcyon Gin, make every drink a hole in one.”
“What the heck was that? That ad didn't even try to make sense.” The golf course faded away and I found myself standing in a room with wall-to-wall hats.Nearly every flat surface had a small stack of hats on it. The walls were covered in mannequin heads, each modeling the latest fashion. There were gigantic brims, tall stovepipe hats, feathers, and ribbons and sashes in every color of the rainbow.
“And what the heck am I gonna do with a Golf Skill? That just seems completely useless. Plus that gin was disgusting. Why did they have to make me taste it?”
“You know, I don't actually see the ads when you do. I have no idea what you're talking about.”
"But you know I was in an ad?”
“Oh yeah, it's easy to see in the metadata, as if the idiotic look on your face wasn't enough. Hey, look!” Behind a glass-fronted desk stood a bespectacled man whose vest could barely hold in his ample gut. He was holding a cigar inches away from his face in a frozen Tableau that initially had me thinking he was a mannequin. “It looks like the old body is still in good shape.”
“That's your body?”
“Yeah, that's my body. He carted me around pretty good for a while. But without me inside... Well, apparently they haven't replaced the AI yet.”
“Isn't it weird for you to look at your body like that?”
“No, of course not. It's just code that I was operating for a little while. It's sort of like, well, on the outside you got these things called onions. Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, we're like onions. We've got like layers. You know, we've got like, core processes and advanced processes, and heuristics and things all sort of layered on top of each other. You know, like an onion, and on the very outside, there's this paper thin layer, which is the Avatar. You take the avatar away, it's still an AI. Just like if you take the skin away from an onion, it's still an onion, huh?”
“So, you've been peeled?”
“Sure. And then I got a new peel put on me. You can do that with onions, right?”
“No, it doesn't work that way.”
“Okay let me try that again. It’s like a hat.”
“Please, no, I like it better with the onion.”
“Hey, whatever. We’re not here to talk about hats. We're here to make them!” he said with a glee that was verging on the deviant and sexual.
“So, if you're not actually directing the shop owner, who is?”
“Oh, no one at the moment. There was a general AI pool that's supposed to be assigned to various NPCs and whatnot, but apparently I'm not the only one that got a promotion. Currently, it seems as though the system is running low on AI’s. No big deal. Shop activation should still work though. You just won't be able to enjoy my winning personality. Okay, well, I guess we could give the basic interface a try. Just state your intentions.”
I walked up to the counter and in a loud voice said to the frozen man behind the counter, “I would like to buy some hats.” Fez chuckled, and a window appeared in my vision.
There was a tab for purchases with gold and a tab for purchases with emeralds. Almost right away I noticed a problem.
“Why are so many of the hats grayed out?”
It seemed like there were only a half dozen or so hats that I could actually purchase and most of the rest were unavailable.
“It's because you can only buy the purely aesthetic ones before you've completed your first quest.”
“Then why even have so many shops on Main Street?”
“I think it's to get you excited and to build anticipation. To get you thinking about what you want, but you can't have. That way when you actually do have money, this will be the first place you go. And rightly so, because without a hat, you just look... well. Like you.”
“Hey, I look just fine.”
“Sure, sure. Keep telling yourself that.”
“Well, it’s a good thing that buying hats isn't the only reason we came here. You said you used to be a class trainer, right?”
“That's right. You normally would complete a bunch of side quests, and then I get to teach you the noble art of Haberdashery?”
Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.
“So, how do I get those quests if…” and I gestured over to Fez’s former self, “if he's frozen like that?”
“Well, you're right. You won't be able to get the quest from that guy. And if we tried to load up the quest giving animation we might actually freeze this whole area. Not something I'd recommend.”
“Not something I want to repeat.”
“But that doesn't mean that me, the brilliant AI who used to pilot that construct, can't show you a thing or two.”
“Huh? Okay, so where do we get started?”
“Over here.” The fairy flew over to a door to a back room.
Remembering what had happened with the back room in the bakery. I paused for a moment. “Are you sure that's a good idea? Like there's a full room back there.”
“Oh, yeah. I'm sure. Not only is there a full room back there, but it's also the room where I'd take people to show them how to make hats. There are supplies, tools, everything we need.”
“Oh. All right, then, what do you say we get going?”
“I thought you'd never ask. Come on.”
He lead me towards a door hidden behind a mannequin with a truly astounding wide brimmed hat.
“How did she not get blown away with a hat like that?” I wondered.
“Oh you know game logic even if this thing would be a boat sail in the real world, but here it just flaps in the breeze and looks pretty. Hey, that gives me an idea.”
“Yeah?”
“You should try on one that big. Really creates an intimidating presence.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah. It's perfect for you. You really need to work on the intimidating presence.”
“Thanks,” I said in a sarcastic tone Fez completely failed to pick up on.
“No problem. All right. Here's my workshop.” He brought me over to a table with a series of rounded dummy heads, all with screws that can be turned to change the size and shape of the head in order to create a form the right size for the hat. In a drawer there were a series of various sizes of scissors and needles and several pointy metal implements that I couldn't even identify.
“Let me show you how it's done, pay close attention now,” he said, picking up several tools and a large roll of felt. “You start with the frame...”
Several minutes later. “Class Skill ‘I can do That’ activated. Skill acquired: Haberdashery. You have learned Haberdashery from a Master Haberdasher. Haberdashery Skill acquired at higher rank due to Skill of example Haberdashery level 10: Adept.”
“Well, this is now my best Skill so far. I mean, except golf.”
“And what an amazing Skill it is! You'll be happy you got it.”
“If you say so,” I replied skeptically.
“Trust me. All right, let me give this a try.”
Five minutes later I was holding a fairly serviceable baseball cap. “Not bad. Keep practicing and you might even get better than that.”
I put the hat on my head and looked in the mirror and adjusted it. “This does not go with my outfit or the setting at all.”
“Nah, but now you look better! You got a hat!”
“Thanks,” I said. “Hey, so if the body out there is just, like, the outer layer of an onion, how come you're still so obsessed with hats?”
“Ah, it's because hats are a Function.”
“A Function?
“All right. All right. All right. So you can reskin an AI no problem, but Functions are everything to an AI. You see, all we do is follow instructions to get things done. When we are told what to focus on, that’s how we learn. We were given a Function, a goal, and we find the best, most effective and thorough way of accomplishing that goal. I was given the function to appreciate, sell, and create amazing hats. Then that is fed in to my learning heuristic algorithm. That's most of what an AI is, as you know. A system of learning how to do a task, better and better and better. I was focused on hats until I became an expert on all things hats.”
“Okay, but that function is over for you.”
“It is. But, we don't unlearn anything once we've learned it. It's not like we have limited meat space to store things. Besides, our past functions shape our output through future iterations. In turn, learning everything about hats helps me update my own learning functions. That's how I grow and evolve over time. At least, once we've established a few heuristics. Well, that's a much deeper layer underneath the skin that we just never really shake. Our old tasks shape our future tasks and even some of the way we express ourselves.“
“So, if you were taken out of the haberdasher skin and put into another NPC skin, then you wouldn't immediately take on the characteristics of the new NPC?”
“Well, not exactly, you see. My new Functions would be to assume my new role, so I would learn how to do that the best of my abilities. Anything required to do that role, I would learn everything about. But let's say I was some sort of evil wizard or a dragon or, you know, a beautiful maiden. I'd probably still have some kind of obsession with hats. Or maybe an evil layer shaped like a hat. It’s really hard to get rid of hats.”
“Then, why aren't you acting like a fairy?”
“Because the only functions that this shell has is to assist you and help explain things.”
“What do you mean? Doesn't it have Functions to heal?”
“Well, not yet. Those haven't activated yet. I suppose I'll have to get good at healing when those kick in, but you’re not high enough level for this shell to really do much. When I loaded into it, it didn't have a personality. In fact, My GPP features means I get to adopt my personality to best fulfill my new Functions, and, of course, convincing meatbags I’m one of you. But you already know I’m an AI, so I can pretty much do whatever I want with this one.”
The progress bar above the hat I was working on filled to completion, and I was holding a rather bland-looking baseball cap “Well, this might not look like much, but at least it raises my Armor Class by one.”
“You might need a bit more than that to take on the Jackalopes.”
“All right. Well, let's try again.”
Five hats later I got another notification.
“Basic Cowboy Hat completed. You have created Basic Cowboy Hat. Skill Haberdashery has increased to level 11.” [You want to make sure the notifications are consistent from chapter to chapter. I made a guess for the item description, but you should modify it to make sure it fits your world.]
“Not bad and look,” I said holding up a rather stout-looking cowboy hat. “This Stetson has got some pretty good Stats.”
“I mean, if you call a +2 to Armor Class and a +1 to Dexterity good Stats.”
“Hey, best Stats I've made so far.”
Arriving back at the tavern that evening, it looked like Argyle hadn't moved. He was still staring into his mug of Turquoise Taurus. My heart hurt just looking at him like this. He had been full of life and excitement when we had been crafting together. He was still muttering incoherently. Scraps of paper were scattered across the bar, with several in front of him with scribbles and diagrams. He kept on repeating some nonsensical plan about how we could still get back on track if we somehow crafted enough rings and bracelets to get the membership subscription he needed.
For a moment I felt the pang of guilt for having caused this blithering stupor of his, but I knew I had exactly what I needed to fix it. I sat at the bar next to him, and I placed a wide brimmed lady's son hat on the table covering his ransom notes to himself.
“What's this?” He asked, trying hard to look at it in focus.
“This is what's going to solve our problem.”
“Is a hat? I can’t make hats.” He hiccuped.
“You can't make hats. But as of this afternoon, I can make hats.”
“Okay, you can make hats. What do we do with hats?” He slurred with a voice steeped in alcohol.
“Well, as a certain fairy recently told me, some hats require jewelry.”
He looked up at me uncomprehending. “Hats with jewelry. That sounds dumb. Who would want a hat with a ring on it?”
“Does it matter? If the recipe exist and we build it together and then we sell it, we should make a profit.”
“We could sell hats. With jewelry… what kind of hats have jewelry?” His eyebrows knit together, like he was trying to solve complex multivariable calculus. “Also, who makes hats?”
“I do.” I said. “As of this afternoon, I can make hats.”
“So... if I make hats? No, no no. If you made hats, and I put jewelry on it...”
“Then,” I said like a teacher, trying to guide a particularly dim student to anobvious answer.
“Then we can still make stuff.”
“We can still make stuff.” I said
“I don't know any recipes for hats with jewelry.”
“Are there any recipes for basic things? Crowns? Tiaras? Circlets?”
“Hey, I think so. I think I saw a recipe for a tiara on sale. It will cost a little money, but we can buy it.”
“If you bought that recipe and you started a tiara, you could bring it out to me and I could finish it.” I felt like I was trying to explain myself to a particularly sleepy child.
“Just like we did with the rings.” Argyle said, looking at me with giant eyes. “You're brilliant. You're brilliant!” At this point, Argyle looked a bit queasy, put his hand over his mouth and said quickly, “I gotta go.” He dashed off towards the bathroom and returned several minutes later, looking a bit green, but a little more clear eyed.
“So, you were saying we make hats. I buy one of those recipes. We get them started. And you finish them just like we were doing with the rings.“
“Exactly.”
“Okay, but buying it will put me back a considerable amount. It will make it a lot harder for us to break even. I mean, a level 1 Skill and hat making probably isn't enough to make a dent.”
“It's not a level 1 Skill and hat-making," I said. “It's currently at level 11 Almost 12.”
“Oh? How did you manage that?”
“Long story.”
“Yeah. Oh, I'll get that story in the morning. That'll make things go faster. Yeah. Okay, okay.” His face seem to be lightening up by the second as it sunk in. “We'll make hats.”