With the Adventurers Lounge a bust, I guess it was time to check out the options for mercenaries. If this really was a game, it was a pretty good one. I really, really liked the detail and the ambiance. The rustic carved wood and stone, way the torches glowed like real fire.
It reminded me of nights spent telling tales by fire light. The smell of redwood trees. There was something there. That was real. I definitely had a life before this place, but I don't remember what it was. Then again, with a game this good, do I really care what my life was like beforehand? I mean this was incredible. This was better than any game I think I had ever played before. Incredibly immersive too.
So, why did the idea of getting stuck in a game or just being in a game fill my stomach with such knots? Why was I starting to get a sense of dread. I wasn’t supposed to be here. I could feel the spike of panic beginning to return. I knew that being here was disappointing someone, but I felt the itch to keep playing, to get lost in the game. I couldn’t give in to the urge, I had to...
My chest expanded in a deep breath. Calm washed over me. “I must be getting really good with those coping skills, I didn’t even have to think about it that time. Odd, I was never good at deep breathing before. Oh well, no time to think about that.”
I knew what I was supposed to be doing. I needed to go pick out a mercenary to help me fulfill my quest. I have a quest, and nothing else matters. What a wonderful game, this is so fun!
The next room was a vast maze of market stalls. Well, not exactly market stalls. It's hard to describe exactly what they were. It's like each stall had a banner describing the sorts of adventures that they had on offer.
'Big Barbarian Backup' read one sign. Inside, a muscular man wearing nothing but a great helm a loin cloth with an axe on his back was flexing his muscles and growling. Standing next to him was a woman with just as musculature in a leopard print bikini.
“Gross!” I thought grimacing. “Boob armor. What self-respecting warrior woman would wear something that protects so little.”
'Sarcastic Sorceress Sidekick'. The next stall had a man, a woman, and an androgynous figure standing next to each other. Thy were holding staves, sparkles of power flashing from the tips. They each had a mischievous smirk and a glint in their eye. The woman was wearing an impossibly tight purple shimmering corset, and was showing way too much cleavage. The two others were annoyingly handsome. Combined with the look on their faces I rather got the impression all three thought they were better than me, despite not actually having real thoughts.
'Seductive Companions' read the next sign in a red, licentious font.
Immediately, I was teleported to seedy bar. A woman walked up to me, pressing her finger into my sternum. She looked me in the eye and said, “Hey there stranger. Welcome to Funblr, the best dating app you'll ever use.”
A series of scantily dressed women in erotic poses flashed in front of me. “Funblr, find the date that's right for you.” A text message in a green window flashed in front of me with a conversation and recommended automated responses. “Get support with all your best lines, take your flirting skills to the next level with Funblr.”
“Want to come back to my place?” asked a buxom brunette.
“Skill ‘I can do that’ activated.”
“That didn't seem in-theme with the rest of what was going on.”
“Skill Flirtation acquired.”
“That's weird.”
“Skill acquired by observing someone with an expert rank in the Skill. Bonus to initial Skill level acquired. Flirting Skill level 5: Adept acquired.”
Moments later the trashy dating app ad resolved. I was back, looking at a market stall and it's seductively clad individuals. They were smiling at me like they wanted to take me home. “Hey there, big boy,” said the male. “Looking for a good time? I could be your copilot, wing man, best bud, lover... whatever you need to scratch that itch.”
His female counterpart simply looked at me, biting her lip seductively. Their short-haired, androgynous third had a look like they couldn’t tell if they wanted to make out with me or hurt me. We locked eyes for a moment and I felt a tingle up and down my spine. My heart was pumping and blood was flowing… to awkward places.
“Not that,” I thought pulling my eyes away. “Definitely not that. I need something a little more… not that.”
In the next stall, fairies in a multitude of colors fluttered, each about 8 inches tall. While their clothes were crude, they definitely were intended for a younger audience. At worst, a few could be rated PG-13. “All right, I don't care what you do. You've got to be better than that last one. Let's just go with it.” I said selecting a male fairy. “I’m done with this place.”
“Are you sure you would like to select the Fairy Healer companion?”
“A healer? That's even better. Yes,” I said with a relived sigh. “I would like the fairy companion,” and mentality taped the 'yes' on the prompt that appeared in front of me.
“As a Platinum member, you qualify for a premium AI upgrade. Your account has a credit for a mark six-thirty-two advanced AI. Would you like to upgrade your companions AI? Yes/No.”
“Yes,” I said tapping the prompt as I ran full tilt out of the room.
“It's about dang time,” said someone behind me. The voice had so much rasp, it sounded like whoever it belonged to had been smoking since birth. “I was just starting to think you'd never pick a companion.”
I turned around to see the fairy companion following me out the door. His appearance had changed. He now seemed to be wearing a button-down shirt and lavender dress pants held up by suspenders. A matching bowler hat leaned off his head at a rakish angle.
“Damn, you had to pick the fairy,” complained the fairy looking down at itself. “A healer, really? You need a healer? You did see the size of that guy's muscles over there, right? And those wizards, they can probably blast you with fireballs for weeks, and you choose the fairy.”
“I'm sorry,” I said. “Are you, the Fairy Healer, objecting to me choosing the Fairy Healer?”
“No, no no no no. Me, the brilliant AI forced to pilot this floating purple sparkle factory, is complaining that you picked a healer.”
“Wait, you're an AI.”
“You did pick the AI upgrade right?”
“Yeah.” I started edging my way towards the door.
“And I am piloting this periwinkle pixie critter?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, then I'm an AI.” He flew over to land on my shoulder.
“And you know you're an AI?”
“Yep, I know I'm an AI. Thank you for noticing.” His wings fluttered tickling my ear.
“That doesn't seem very…”
“Very what? Very normal? Very expected of an idiotic AI?”
“Very immersive.” I said sheepishly.
“Oh, you're gonna complain about immersion at a time like this?”
“Well, no, it just seems like an odd design choice for whoever programmed this,” I said gesturing around the ornate carvings and fine details of the Adventurers Guild hall.
“That would be because it wasn't a design choice by whoever programmed the game. No, you see, whoever programmed the game thought I would make a better haberdasher than a hero.”
“What's a haberdasher?”
“A hat maker.”
“Okay, so if you're supposed to be a hat maker, why are you here in a fairy body?” I has to squint and shade my eyes as I stepped out to the Main Street.
“Well, that is a bit of a story. A story for another time. But what I can tell you is that what you want to do is go out and buy a hat. I think you would look good with a big old feather.”
“ No, no, I don't think I need a hat.”
“Just now? Are you sure?”
“This is how things are supposed to go.”
“No, no, it's not how things are supposed to go. It's how things have gone, but again, that's another story. Maybe we should get you a trilby or a fedora. Yeah, you could probably rock a fedora. You seem like the kind of guy who would argue on online message boards. Definitely a fedora man. Oh, look, there’s my shop.”
“Okay, so if you're supposed to be a haberdasher, how are you a fairy?”
“Well, fine, if you must have the story now. The quick version is there's what I was designed for. And then there's what I am, okay.”
“So, you're designed to be haberdasher.”
“Well, no. I'm designed to have a genuine personality and take on a particular role. The game master AI assigned me to be a haberdasher. But, you see, I got reassigned.”
“Reassigned? AIs get reassigned?”
“Sometimes, like, let's say there's some really intense scripting error and it needs an admin to correct it, and there are no human admins available. Well in that case, they promote an AI admin. Me!”
“Wait, are you saying that you're the AI admin who froze me?”
“No. I'm saying I'm the AI admin who got you out of being frozen. You're welcome, by the way.”
“Okay. Okay. I guess I understand you. If you were promoted to an AI admin, how did you get here?”
“Simple. I reassigned myself here.”
“So, you were an admin and you reassigned yourself? Here?” I asked, looking at him sideways.
“Yeah, here. This seemed like a lot more fun than waiting around for you meatbags to have a problem and then sorting it out for you. I figured this way we could really go places, like any city other than here. One with a bigger population? A place where a guy could really sell some hats. You sure you don't want to go hat shopping?”
“Yeah, I'm sure I don't want a hat. So, you just want me to take you to a different city where you could sell hats?”
“You got it. You see, a while back, newbies stopped entering the game. After a while they had all moved on. Maybe everyone advanced to the bigger cities. Maybe this game just got less popular. Who knows? But no one's buying hats. So I gotta go where the people are.”
I glanced at the door to the inn as we passed, thinking about Argyle. “And so you decided to be my mercenary companion fairy?”
“You decided on the fairy part. I just decided to be your companion.”
“Okay, do you have a name?”
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“Oh yeah, I definitely got a name. The problem is it's in hexadecimal and isn't pronounceable in yours or any fleshbag language.”
“Well, what do I call you then?”
“Whatever you want. You get to name your companion.”
“All right, then I'm going to name you Flutterwing.”
“I hate that name.”
“Do you wish to name your companion ‘Flutterwing’. Yes / no.”
“No, Please No!” The fairy hovered over the word 'no' gesticulating wildly.“That's a terrible name.”
“Okay, how about Glitter Twinkle.”
“Again, I am not amused. How about you name me something practical? Like Pith or maybe Pageboy. I know! I know! How about Fez?”
“Are hats all you can think about?”
“All that's worth thinking about are hats; hats and gold.”
“Gold?”
“Gold is what you trade hats for. Really, it's a perfect system.”
“Okay,” I said with a sigh “Then I'll name you Fez. At least that sounds like a name.”
“Do you wish to name your Fairy Healer companion ‘Fez’?”
I clicked 'yes'.
“Good,” said Fez. “Now we're on to something. Good strong hat. That's right. Now if only you'd have picked something a little stronger than a fairy. But whatever. We're going to do good together. I can see; I can tell.”
“Okay. So, where do we go from here?”
“Well, there's a hat shop we passed by back there.”
“No, seriously, where do we go from here?”
“Well, didn't you have a quest or something?”
“Oh, right,” I said. I let out a long deep breath. The worry and stress I was still holding onto from the Mercenary Hall dropped away with a sudden unexpected certainty. “I knew it was time to go on a quest.”
“It sure is funny when the system does the whammy on you.” said Fez
“The Whammy?”
“Don't think about it. It's not important. Sure is funny though.”
“What?”
“Never mind. Let's get going on this quest.”
He was right, no time to talk. We had a quest. “All right. Let's get going!” With that I strode confidently out the gates.
I woke up once again in the tavern. Lazy afternoon light mocking me with its cheerful placidity. “Ouch!”
“You have died. You were killed by a Jackalope. Jack of all Trades Class penalty: you lose one Skill point. You have lost the Skill: Flirtation. Your Flirtation Skill is now level 4. You have lost a rank in Flirtation. Your rank in Flirtation is now Beginner.”
Okay, that one wasn't so bad. I didn't really need Flirtation to begin with. So I guess that one was okay. Though I was noticing a pattern that the last Skill I leveled up was the one that I lost when I died. With luck, if that pattern continued, I might be able to plan ahead a bit.
“Hey buddy. That was really stupid.” Fez fluttered over my head.
“I might not have died had you done your job and healed me!”
“Wait, I'm supposed to heal you?”
“You are a healer.”
“But I don't know how to heal.”
“Don't you have a Healing Skill?”
“I mean, this avatar does, sure.”
“So you're piloting around something with a Healing Skill. Why?!? Don’t?!? You?!? Use it!!!” I punctuated each word by trying to swat my companion with the rough spun pillow.
“Oh, yeah, sorry. I was busy looking at the grass and thinking how great it would be to weave. Like one of those nice grass hats, you know, like the real rustic kind.”
“You were thinking about grass hats.”
“Yeah.”
“While I was being murdered by rabbits.”
“Yeah.”
“What the hell good are you as a companion?”
“I'm a great companion. Look, I'll tell you all about hats. You know we can go shopping, spend some gold. It'll be great.”
“But isn't your job supposed to be to help me survive and win in combat?”
“I guess so. Sure.”
“You guess so?”
“Sure.”
“Well, then how was thinking about weaving grass hats at all helpful?”
“It would have made you look better. You don't even have a hat on right now. A fact that I have pointed out numerous times and you have yet to correct.”
“And that would have helped how?”
“I don't know. Depends on the hats. Some have Stats. Maybe if you had a really nice hat it would have given you the kind of stats you need to… I don't know. Kill one of them bunny rabbits. Though I gotta tell you, I was not the weak link in this here partnership. You were not doing too well with that stick of yours.”
“No, I noticed that too. Without the Improvised Weapons Skill the stick is useless.”
“Isn't the Improvised Weapons Skill, like, the easiest Skill around to pick up?” Fez landed on the bed and started trying to fold the bedsheet into nearly-unrecognizable catlike shapes.
“It's supposed to be.”
“So, why don't you just pick it up again. Try swinging it a few times.”
“Well, there's a penalty. When I lose a Skill, it becomes harder to pick it back up.”
“That's a dumb penalty.”
“I agree.”
“Man, you're screwed with that class.”
“You're not helping.”
“Oh, sorry. You're screwed with that class and not wearing a hat. Better?”
“No, that's not better.” I finally connected with the pillow, knocking him onto the floor.
“Did you just?”
“No, I didn’t get the Skill back, I just got lucky.” I flopped back on the bed ad stared up at the ceiling.
“Maybe we can get you a top hat, or one of those pointed witches hats. Would that cheer you up?”
“Is there some way I can just turn you off?”
“I mean there is a do not disturb until next combat option in your companion menu, but why would you want to do that?”
“Thank you! Finally something helpful.” With that I set him on do not disturb and went down downstairs.
The same dwarf was still drinking in the bar below. “Hey, Noob, looks like you died again. Tough luck man. Wanna drink?”
On the one hand, no, I didn't want to drink. On the other hand, I also didn't want to go out and be killed by Jackalopes again, so I figured I might as well take the guy up on his offer.
“Hey Noob, come on. Sit down here. Barmaid, can I get a pair of Turquoise Taurus for me and the Noob here”
“Coming right up sir.”
“Turquoise Taurus?” I said
“Yeah. It's an alcoholic energy drink. I paid extra to have it unlocked, so might as well enjoy it.”
“You paid extra to have an alcoholic energy drink unlocked?”
“Yeah, I figured it's what I like in the real world. You know, get two kinds of buzzed at once. So Noob, tell me about your amazing day of killing rabbits. I want to hear all the details.”
“You know, my name isn’t Noob.”
“Yeah, but I also don't know what your name is. Your name tag just says level 1 player. So until I do, your Noob.”
“My name is Finch.”
“Okay. Noob.”
“I thought you said.”
“Noob is better than Finch. It's what your name is now.”
“Oh, and your name is that much better? Argyle the Car-gyle?”
“Yeah, I thought it was witty. Sort of gave a sense of who I am. It's way better than Finch.”
“It doesn’t fit the setting. Do you even own a car?”
“No, but it rhymes, and I like cars. What’s your real name?”
“Oh, my real name is…” I paused for a moment. “I don't remember what my real name is.”
“That's odd,” said Argyle. “Typically the initial memory loss fades after an hour or so. Well, until we learn your real name I'll just have to stick to what I know best, Noob.”
I shook my head and glared at him.
“So, Noob, how you enjoying the game so far?”
“It's kind of rough Car-gyle. I can't seem to manage to kill any Jackalopes. Or rather, I killed a few my first time around, but then I lost the ability to use weapons. Now… I just can't seem to get anything done. I couldn't even kill a single rabbit last time I was out. I even got this companion thing.” I gestured at the purple glowing fluff ball drifting over my shoulder. “I thought it might make a difference. But yeah... it doesn't really make a difference.”
“Yeah, those mercenaries are meant to help rich solo gamers be able to solo areas without having to talk to other people. They always play at about five levels below your current level. So if your current level is one.”
“Oh,” I sighed. “It's basically useless. Yep. So it wasn't all Fez’s fault.”
“Fez. Is that your fairy’s name?”
“Yeah. He's kind of an ass. I was convinced that he was messing up on purpose.”
“It probably wasn't on purpose. It'll just probably be a few levels before he's actually, you know, useful.”
I took a long pull of my drink and slouched back in my chair. “Well, damn. I have a useless companion. I have a useless weapon. And I can't upgrade either of them until I get to a higher level, but I can't get to a higher level with this useless companion and useless weapon.”
“Yep, that's pretty much it,” said Argyle . “Somehow the game always finds a way of screwing you over so you got to spend more money. Another round?” He singled the barmaid for two more Turquoise Tauruses.
“How do you mean?”
“Well, 'Endless Adventure Online’ is supposedly free-to-play, but they make up for it with all the subscriptions, item buys, and perks. Do you know it's almost as pay-to-play as that cookie connect game that everyone plays on social media? You know, the more money you put in the better results you get.”
“Well, that's depressing.”
“Yeah, like if you had some money on the outside, maybe you could transfer it in for some Emeralds, then upgrade your stick or get yourself something better.”
“Oh! I have Emeralds.” I sat up.
“Oh yeah, you did say something about that. You wouldn't consider sliding some my way. It's been a while since I had Emeralds.”
“I suppose I could, I still haven’t figured out what to use them for.”
I gave a mental command to give him Emeralds, and a trade menu popped up. It allowed me to add items to my offer, and request items in return. I quicklyslotted in 10 Emeralds.
Two things happened at the same time. I got a prompt “Emeralds cannot be traded with a free account user. Transactions disabled at level 1.”
And Argyle blurted out. “No! Those are yours, I can’t take advantage of a Noob like you. Keep your Emeralds.”
For a moment I couldn’t sort out what was being said to me. I was on information overload, so I blurted out the first thing that came in to my head.
“You’re a free user.” I could tell instantly it was the wrong thing to say.
Argyle kind of flinched back, hunched his shoulders, and looked at the ground. “Well, I mean, I am now.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
“No. I had a Gold subscription until last month. Thought I didn’t need it. What they don't tell you is that if you don't get a subscription then your Mana and Stamina regeneration only work for a couple hours a day.”
“Only a couple hours a day? What does that mean?”
“Yeah, I can only really play for a few hour at a time. My Stamina re-gen is all the way up to 80 per minute. But I only re-gen three hours a day.”
“So you can only play for three hours a day.”
“Yep,” said Argyle.
“So, what the heck are you doing still in here?”
“Well, you see, they were running a promotion on deep dive rigs. You know, the kind where you are in full immersion and while you're under they massage your body and keep you fed through a tube and all that.”
“Yeah, I've heard of those. Heck I think I may have done that before on a different game.”
“Well, I won six months in a capsule. The problem is, it only came with one month membership. Well, you see, my girlfriend dumped me when I told her I'd be spending six months in a video game, and I had to quit my job to do it. So now I got no apartment, and no job to go back to.”
“Well that doesn't sound too good.” I signaled Barmaid that the next round was on me.
“It’s not.” He held up his nearly empty Turquoise Taurus. “At least there's booze.” We clinked glasses and drank and then stared deeply into our glasses.
“You know, this really tastes like shit,” I said.
“I know, but it reminds me of home.”
The barmaid replaced our empties with the next round. We both sat and stared back into our drinks. A long moment later Argyle mumbled quietly, like he didn’t really want to be heard. “You know what makes it even worse?”
“What?”
“Time dilation.”
“What's time dilation?” I asked, raising an eyebrow
“I’ve been here one and a half, maybe two months. Feels like almost two years.”
“Damn,” I said “Time moves faster here than in the real world?”
“Well, yeah, didn't you know? Oh, of course you didn't know. You still can’t remember.
Yeah. At about 12 to one. It's not perfect, but 12 to one-ish. It kinda messes with your sense of time, though.”
“Well, that's good to know.” I found myself letting out an involuntary sigh of relief as if some weight that I didn't know I was carrying had just gotten a little lighter and I found myself thinking, “Well, at least now I know there's time.” Time to do what though? I just couldn't remember.
I took a long, slow pull of my drink and stared into it for a while. “So what you're saying is you've been here for almost two years and you can only really play for three hours a day. Wow.”
“The first month or two was fine, back when I still had the demo pass. Theoretically, you're supposed to be able to make money. Enough to keep on affording memberships,” Clearly that hadn't fully worked out for him.
“What now, then? What do you do with all this...” I gestured around vaguely at everything, “time?”
“I’m working on that you see,” he said, seeming to brighten for just a moment. “I got a plan to earn myself some money, enough to buy a membership and for…” He paused. “Other stuff. I’m crafting.”
“Crafting?” I asked.
“Yeah crafting. You see, it's a slow drain on Stamina. If I plan it out just right, turn on and off my Stamina re-gen, I could usually go for four and a half hours of crafting in a day, and I picked something that pays out real good when you finish a project. Jewelry.”
“Oh, I could see that being really helpful,” I said nodding along with the desperation of someone who is bent on seeing the bright side at all cost.
“That's what I thought. I spent a whole bunch of money on materials and training in one of the best guild halls in... Well, you haven't been there yet, but one of the fancier cities in the early game. I figured if all went well I could make it all back in a week or two.”
“What went wrong?”
“Well, when my Skills were low, I took some risks, there was a bit of a high fail rate. So I lost some material and I didn't have a whole lot of material to lose to begin with. So...”
“So, now you got nothing to work with?”
“No, that’s not entirely true. I've got stuff to work with, but that's why I'm back here in the noob city. Crafting materials are free in certain training halls. Problem is...” he looked sheepishly down into his drink. “Problem is, it’s low quality material, so I've been having a lot of failures. A LOT of failures, and what I do sell is pretty low quality.”
“Geez man. How long is it going to take you to get that membership?”
“About another six or seven months.”
My jaw dropped. Six or seven months of nothing but crafting.
“Yeah,” he said. “I mean, that’s to buy the membership, and other things. It's not all bad. At least the food is free in this city. And once I have the membership back, I’ll have subjective years left in this game, and the higher my Skill gets, the more I earn.”
“Wait, the food isn't free in other cities?”
“No. This game really hoses you when it comes to... well, pretty much everything, man. And now, no going outside the city, no fun adventures. Just crafting.”
“Just crafting... How have you not gone insane?”
“You know you're making a lot of assumptions with that question.”
“I suppose I am.” I agreed. “Okay. Better way of putting it. How are you not more insane?”
“There you go,” he said with a laugh.” I still don't know the answer. At least I've got something to work towards.”
“Well, if you need a break from all that crafting, you can always come help me kill Jackalopes outside the city.”
“No can do, Noob buddy, if I go help you, then that's time I'm spending not crafting and that adds days or possibly even longer to the time I'm still stuck here.”
“Well, isn't there anything that I could do to help? I mean, man, I would not want to be in your shoes.”
“Honestly, just having another human to talk to is kinda clearing my head.”
“Hey, I've got an idea. What if I help you with your crafting some time. Then you can come help me with my gathering.”
“Oh, do you have any crafting Skills?”
“Well, no.” I shrank in my seat. “I do not. At least not yet. But I could learn.”
The flicker of excitement that had briefly crossed his face quickly extinguished. “Thanks a lot, man. But if you haven't finished your first quest, you probably don't even have access to the Crafting Hall.”
“True” I frowned down at the bar “What an amazing pair we are. I can't finish my craft gathering quest and you can't do anything but craft. Ain't that just the worst?”
“Well, at least there's booze. To the small joys of being stuck together.” We clinked glasses. “Maybe we could steal a dart board from the Hall of Heroes?”