It turns out that given enough time, motivation, resources and 'what's the worst that can happen' energy, I am quite the McGuyver. Of course, it doesn't hurt having the combined might of a dragon hoard and a legendary wizard to suggest various tweaks and optimisations, but I was still feeling pretty damn good about myself.

I had no idea how long I spent pulling the plan together, but by the time I was ready, I had developed quite a collection of options.

"I'm feeling all Wile-E-Coyote here, mate!"

There was a pause. From context, this suggests we're about to undertake a series of increasingly comedic challenges during which you will repeatedly fall off a cliff. And is the Kraken the very fast bird in this scenario?"

"You know what, Merlin?"

Fuck off?

"No, I was going to say you are making a really good point, and I really appreciate the feedback on my silly and irreverent commentary. I don't say it enough, but I'm so glad you are here to keep my feet on the ground.

Honestly, my dear? I am touched!

"No, of course not, you fucking helmet. Let's get on with it."

*

We'd decided to undertake a ten-second countdown before letting the chips fall where they may.

There was really not going to be much margin for error here, and if these were going to be my final moments on earth - again - I was damned if I was going out without a "Thunderbirds are go!"

Merlin had reached 'five' when I began to have second thoughts. I wasn't exactly someone you'd bet the rest of your continued existence on her ability to execute a complex plan with split-second timing. I wasn't even someone you would entrust with two quid to pop down the shops and buy a pint of milk.

However, I reflected as the Big M intoned 'three', you couldn't spend your life bemoaning the Damsel in Distress trope and then hope for a big strong guy to come and sweep you off your feet. Well, you could, but considering I'd just saved the arses of the two prime heroic beefcakes, I was going to need to take care of myself here.

And then it was launch time . . .

The millisecond I popped back into reality, I projected the most oversized version of I could produce. Neither Merlin nor I thought the Wanderer would likely last more than a few seconds against being eaten by a Kraken, but those earned moments would be the be-all and end-all.

As the painting swirled into being, I shoved out all the concoctions I'd spent my time in my Artist's Studio developing: for shits and giggles, I'd encased it all in a lovely big ACME crate. If I were going to die, I'd do so with whimsy in my heart and a smile on my face.

At the same time, I triggered the adapted version of , which pulled a bunch of little surprises to stick all over me. I held fire momentarily on triggering ; this would be the last of my cards to play.

My final bit of plotting was actually the most conceptually difficult. was 99.9% formed when I made the critical change. With a delicate flick of my wrist, I smudged out the walking stick and gave my man something more useful to hold.

I'm not wild about this development, I hope you realise.

"You'll be swell, D. Just go to town. And remember, the more fire, the better."

Well, if you fucking insist . . .

*

You know the end of every Michael Bay movie you have ever seen?

This was now my life.

formed fully, and I was sure the dude stood a little taller when he realised he was holding a sword of flaming death rather than facing a monster from nightmare armed with nothing more substantial than a stiff upper lip and an unearned sense of manifest destiny.

Drynwyn wasted no time and whipped upwards, firing a nice thick line of flame down the Kraken's throat.

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And then shit got real.

It turned out that if you mixed together a few choice articles that a hoarding dragon had held on to, added in a couple of Pills of Agonishing Death, suspended the whole thing in a pretty coating of Wood Qi (all stamped with the ACME seal of quality), and THEN hit it all with some legendary flame which despised the unrighteous, you had quite a party.

had already been reduced by something approximating a quarter of its initial size - fuck me, Kraken's did not mess about - in the time it took for all this to go 'boom'.

The explosion vapourised my shield, dropping Drynwyn to the deck of the boat near my feet.

It would, however, be accurate to say the ensuing conflagration did little for the Kraken's health and temper.

Rather than swallowing the canoe—and Mark and I with it—the monster was rocked backwards, several massive, gushing wounds blown clear through it. This did not make it any prettier.

"What the fuck!" Obviously, as far as Mark was concerned, that had been a fairly incomprehensible series of events. I didn't really have the urge to fill him in right now.

"Just get behind me. This is going to get messy!"

The explosion, as well as royally fucking up the Kraken, had removed the front half of the canoe, so I was going the best I could to keep us afloat with a thick wodge of Wood Qi. This was burning through my reserves like you wouldn't believe and wouldn't be anything like a long-term solution. However, considering the Kraken appeared to be preparing its ugly self for Round 2, I doubted neither drowning nor Qi exhaustion would be a central issue in my immediate future.

It screamed at us, opening its disgusting mouth wide. If you need a visual, think of Arnie standing above a de-helmed Predator. And times that by the Queen going in for a lick of Sigourney. Throw in a nice handful of Slimer flying down the corridor at Bill Murray and finish it off with lashings of every John Carpenter film you've ever seen.

You are aware, my dear, there have been films made outside of the 80s and early 90s?

I ignored him and reconstituted . I didn't hold many hopes it would last any longer than it did last time, but it certainly couldn't hurt. I held tight to my body, ready for the final play. What with my impromptu pseudo-canoe and that I was bleeding off all my spare Qi with bolt after bolt of , I couldn't help but think I was multi-tasking like a fucking legend.

Then the Kraken reared up and launched itself at me, and I pushed out everything I was holding back in a concentrated direct blast of .

The outcome was, I am afraid, rather underwhelming.

I'd geared up every piece of armour, weapon and general sharp implement I still possessed in my inventory. This was quite a lot. The gamble had been that, having weakened the monster through Drynwyn and all the other shit I'd thrown at it, this final explosion might just encourage it to fuck off and go away.

Unfortunately, all I seemed to have achieved was turning it into a massive, furious porcupine. Sure, it looked fucking ridiculous, but I didn't think I would be taking it down by crushing its sense of self-esteem.

That was my lot.

"Hey, it was worth a shot, mate. We gave it our best - "

And then Tresaith came.

*

There's a fun game you can play by adding the words "And then the Dragons came" after the first line of any famous novel to completely change its vibe. You should try it.

"It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. And then the dragons came." "In the beginning was the word. And then the dragons came." "Marley was dead, to begin with. And then the dragons came."

Trust me, there's not a work of literature that the timely appearance of giant, winged lizards in the second sentence cannot improve.

Tresaith appearing next to me with all the righteous, vengeful fury of a dad whose daughter's date just made her cry was of the same intensity.

The only way the moment could have been even more perfect was if he had whispered 'on your left' to me before stepping through a giant, yellow circle.

I won't be able to do the next few moments justice, so let's just say the boy had game. He literally walked on water to plunge both his hands straight through the Kraken's carapace, ripping vast chunks of plating away, to thrust back in and start evacuating organs.

Tentacles whipped down on him, but he casually wrapped them around his arms and tugged, tearing them clear and then using their wet ends to beat the creature to death.

I felt his Qi move, and he did something pretty awesome with gravity. He literally squashed the thing flat and, in the next moment, stretched it out. Seriously, it was as if he had turned the thing into an accordion and was playing "How do you like me know?" At some stage, he even reconstituted the canoe and found time to push us out of what was increasingly becoming a Kraken splash zone.

I tried to follow the trail of destruction as we drifted away from the battle, but it was impossible. I'd have believed you if you'd told me five Tresaiths were stomping this thing into its constituent atoms. What was most impressive was the speed in which the Fae was linking and compounding techniques with just blasting out solid chunks of Qi straight through the monster.

"Fuck me!"

I know, my dear. This is why I tended to travel incognito through the Fae realm. I am not saying I could not compete with this - Tresaith lifted the Kraken out of the water with one hand and took off for the sky like it was a nuclear bomb, and he needed to ram it through a portal to another universe - okay, maybe I am.

Several thoughts were competing in my rather exhausted brain. Firstly, if Tresaith fancied ramming his nuclear bomb in my - my dear! - sorry. Well, that was my first thought. Secondly, I was definitely going to be upping my studying. The dude was doing things with Qi I did not even know were possible.

But thirdly, and perhaps most pressingly, I needed to get to the island in the middle of the lake ASAP. Arthur and Lancelot had just crash landed on the shore, and Owain was doing his best to yank the sword free from its stone, cheered on by . . . I'm going to say Ariel without the strategically placed shells.

My life has got weird.