To avoid other possible ... entanglements, we ventured deep into the woods before slowly dog-legging towards where we'd thought a wizard had been slain. Once bitten, twice shy, and all that, so we were looking to make much more cautious progress.

To my delight, I found that I could make a paint drop 'breadcrumb' trail appear in my vision, leading to my desired destination. Basically, I was Qiing up my own Sat Nav. Merlin had been unimpressed when I'd gushed with excitement - apparently, the skill would have manifested at the same time as I'd gained the ability to fast travel - but I wasn't letting him kill my buzz.

As we followed the purple blobs through the trees, I played around with pulling in the abundant Wood Qi around me and cycling it around my artist's studio. As when I created the technique of the thirsty trees, accessing this mouldy-smelling essence seemed ridiculously easy. So much so, I'd asked Merlin about it.

After the usual patronising back and forth over 'what a good question' that was and how 'impressed' he was I'd thought it up on my own, he settled in to explain.

Think about it like ... I'm sorry, my dear, I'm trying to find an appropriate frame of reference. Did you ever lift weights?

"Absolutely."

Really.

"All the time. You couldn't get me out of the gym. Morning, noon and night, there I was. Pumping all the iron. I was henchest girls on the checkout. Won awards and everything.

That's fascinating! I would never have expected ... you are having fun at my expense, are you not?

"Maybe a smidgen."

But you are familiar with the concept?

"Man lift heavy thing. Man's muscles grow. Man takes tablets to help make muscles grow faster. Muscles grow, dick shrink. I have a handle on the core premise."

Well, when you first start becoming ... I believe the colloquial term is 'swole'?

I cringed so hard, I nearly fell to the ground. "Mate, we need a list of words you absolutely are not allowed to say. And 'swole' is going to sit right at the top of it."

So be it. The point, my dear, is that your initial improvement can be quite impressive. You've transitioned from being an entirely sedentary potato to something more active. The muscles respond, and the, erm, the 'gains' are very visible.

"I am following your analogy thus far."

Well, cultivating is not dissimilar. In a very short period of time, you have moved from never having heard of Qi, to possessing pristine channels and a capacity to use energy that would be the envy of anyone in the world - well, apart from me, of course. Now, crucially, you have come by those 'gains' through entirely non-traditional means.

"The dragon Qi?"

That, and finding Drynwyn, the mana stones and the various tricks I had to pull to stop your very being vapourising.

"I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're suggesting I might not be wholly responsible for my own rapid self-improvement."

Quite. Well, the point I am making is that, because of all those incidents, things are currently coming too easily to you. You can draw in Wood Qi so easily because that, in and of itself, is not a significant achievement for an advanced cultivator. You have, quite by accident, reached a stage of development where it is utterly facile for you to do that.

"I'm not hearing much downside here?"

For now, there is not. You are performing feats that would usually correspond to a lifetime of practice, reflection and effort. However -

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

"No, don't spoil it. There's no need for 'however'. Let's leave it that I am awesome, I'll be awesome forever, and nothing more needs to be said about my intrinsic awesomeness. I am the Marysuest Mary Sue that ever Marysued"

And it's been suggested I'm immature.

Drynwyn is quite right, my dear. It is important you understand the full implications of your current predicament. You have short-circuited the process of cultivation. That was, after all, our primary aim, and I am delighted that things have progressed so quickly. I feel much more confident we will succeed in our goal than ever before. Nevertheless, I must make you aware that a wall is approaching - I have no idea how rapidly - and you will not be able to progress beyond it without learning how to cultivate traditionally.

"Okay. That doesn't sound too bad?"

It is a little more complex than I am making it sound. Apologies. Okay. Think of having the body of ... can you name someone with an enviably masculine physique for the point of this metaphor?

"Sure. Bill Gates. Massive guns. Obsessed with Broscience. Utterly peeled."

Thank you for those new and colourful words. Okay. So, imagine you are Bill Gates. At the peak of human physical perfection. However, you have no idea how you achieved that state. You have an impending Mr. Universe competition in a month, and not the first insight as to how you should prepare for it.

"I can see how Bill Gates would feel alarm in that situation."

I am not sure you are wholly following me, but the point is this. When you hit that wall, you cannot progress further. Unless you put in the time to build - and crucially, understand how you build - the appropriate foundations, every moment you spend without advancing at that wall, you will slip back a little bit further. Eventually, you will ...

"Win a massive prize, and everyone will applaud?"

No, my dear. You will suffer the same fate as me. It is, after all, the destiny of cultivators everywhere. We are to constantly progress. And if we don't, we will surely die.

*

The atmosphere of our jaunt in the woods darkened somewhat after the Big M spelt out my impending doom. There was something about seeing the approaching cliff-edge you were hurtling towards that ruined a good walk.

Although, to be fair, it's not like he was giving me a terminal diagnosis. He was just making clear that, at some unknown point in our uncertain future, my free cultivation ride was going to come to an end.

But that was okay. If I knuckled down now, paid attention and stopped fucking about, there was no reason why - especially with Merlin as my guide - that I couldn't lay down all the groundwork I needed to cultivate properly. Basically, if I put in a shift now, when the going got tough, I could get going.

The problem was, I wasn't sure I had it in me.

It had always been the same. Whether at school, university, Art College or a succession of unfulfilling jobs, everyone believed I "could try harder."

They were probably right, but, and this is what I found so hard to explain to anyone, I just didn't have it in me to do better.

All things considered, I've been pretty upbeat during my week in the Dark Ages. Yes, I've had my moments, but - and I am aware of how pathetic this sounds - this has probably been one of the most consistently enjoyable periods of my life.

It takes me a moment to process that.

But then, as sure as eggs is eggs, if there is one thing I know for absolute certain about being me, it is that there is never an 'up' without it crashing back 'down' straight afterwards.

Even now, walking through some lovely, dark and deep woods, with a wizard chattering away and a mythical sword for a companion, I can feel my mood starting to darken.

Rhyddrech used to feel like you.

The interjection was so unexpected I almost thought I'd hallucinated it.

"Sorry?"

Everyone thinks he was this happy-go-lucky guy. The life and soul of every fucking mead-hall. 'Hael' basically means 'bloke you want a drink with', you know? But that wasn't him. Not really.

I would never have guessed.

No one would. But it was all an act. A mask he'd put on when out on business. "Have to live up to the legend", he would say. But when there was no one about, his Qi tasted like yours does now.

"You can taste my Qi?"

Not normally. But when you feel really fucking strong emotions, I sometimes get a flavour of how you are feeling. Mostly, of course, you've been squirting out non-stop blind terror -

"Nice."

Calling it like I see it. But now? Now you taste just like he did. Especially last thing at night when the fire burned low, and he would stare at nothing.

"And how is that?"

You taste sad, my dear.

There's all sorts of different types of therapy. Trust me, I've tried most of them. But until you've had a dead wizard and a talking sword feel concern for your mental health, you've genuinely never lived.

I know what I should have said then. I had, literally, a captive audience and a long hike ahead in which to explore some of my issues. I had one of the wisest souls to ever live to bounce thoughts off and a sword who'd seen in 3D what happened to you when you bottled everything up too tight. I'd probably never get such a good chance again to talk 'me' through properly.

Or I could mask it all with an inappropriate joke.

"That's what yo momma said."

Why change a habit of a lifetime?