Far be it from me to criticise, my dear ...

"Mate, ninety-nine per cent of our time together has, basically, been me doing some stupid shit, and then you are going, 'Actually, my dear, that was spectacularly ill-advised.' It's kind of like the bedrock of our entire relationship."

Did you just do an impression of me?

Reader, I did.

"Obviously, I'm only getting half of this extremely weird conversation," despite that, Bors still decided he had an opinion worthy of being shared. Oh, for the confidence of being a straight, white man, "but I have to agree with the part I can't hear. I am presuming that Merlin is telling you not to touch this steaming giant turd of a plan, even with someone else's shit shovel."

Well, that was a metaphor worth waiting for.

Having outlined the quest she wished me to go on, Princess Guinevere had left us about half an hour ago. We'd been discussing the pros and cons of her rather ambitious scheme ever since.

I say 'discussing', Bors and Merlin had spent most of that time ragging on her. To tell the truth, it was getting on my nerves, and it seemed to me that I could earn some friendship points by defending her honour. Also, I was wondering if I could get away with calling her Xenia moving forward.

I fucking love her plan.

There's times when you want your squad to back you up on a scheme. And then there are times when it's not that helpful to have the most psychotic, least rational team member in your corner. I instinctively felt this might be an example of the latter.

Oh, pray tell, Drynwyn. What part of Guinevere's plan that has us smuggle her out of Tintagel, pretend she's been kidnapped by some fictional bad guy, and then encourage Arthur to join us on a lengthy quest to recover her from a foe who doesn't exist most pleases you? Apologies, I missed the vital context that the realm is at war, and there's a chance this sort of security breach might be remarked upon negatively by the rules of Petty Kingdoms that are just one more scandal short of declaring independence.

I liked the bit when you fucking shut your mouth.

Stellar comeback. I can see why we should absolutely take your opinion on this situation seriously. Do you have any more words of wisdom?

I don't know. Is 'fuck you' wisdomy enough for you?

"Guys, let's all calm down. When you think about it, it's not actually that bad an idea. Arthur needs a win. Bors, you were just saying that his reputation has taken a knock. What better way of fixing that than an honest-to-goodness quest to save the life of the woman he loves? You never know; it might even be the reset their relationship needs, and if Guinevere is happy to play the part of damsel in distress to reboot things, I really don't see the problem. There's no bad guy involved, so no harm, no foul. I can use the time on the road to focus on my cultivation. Big wins all around."

"With all due respect, Morgan ..."

"Bors, mate. Nothing is more guaranteed to get my back up than some jacked-up gym bro giving me my 'due respect.' I cannot tell you how often I've heard it over the years. It's patronising dude, for, 'you're a fucking stupid little girl and here's why.' You get me?"

Bors was giving me the look of every door-to-door salesman who had ever risked ringing my bell. He knew he'd seriously fucked up. He just didn't know how badly yet, but he definitely wanted out.

You are missing the point here, my dear. The job of Princess Guinevere is not to run around the countryside playing hide-and-seek with her husband.

"And what is her 'job', Big M? What should this smart, capable, and eminently fuckable woman be doing with her time?"

No way is he walking into that beartrap ...

She should do everything she can to supply the realm with an heir.

Okay. So he is that fucking stupid. Been nice knowing you, Merlin.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Big M. I hadn't realised that the only role women should play in your vision of the world is to be barefoot and pregnant. You should have mentioned it! Is there a particular dick I should be having in me right now? I didn't know I was breaking some sort of massive cultural taboo walking around with a completely empty vagina. “What about you, big boy," I sashayed towards a clearly terrified Bors, "did you want a go? Apparently, it is some sort of massive red flag that I'm wandering around here with my legs closed. Apologies. Who knew?"

"No. You're alright." Bors could not have pressed himself firmer against the wall without merging with it.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

My dear ...

"Will you stop with the paternalistic 'my dear' crap? My name is Morgan!"

Strictly speaking, it really is not. You chose that name when ...

Dear gods, for a smart guy, he does not know when to shut the fuck up.

"It doesn't matter what I want to call myself, you colossal fuckwit! You don't get to override my chosen name with some cutesy, chauvinistic derivate crap. Why don't the two of you just admit it? If either of you had come up with this idea to break Arthur out of his bad mood, we'd already be halfway to Devon by now. It's only because the little woman came up with it herself that you're stood here taking the piss. And do you know what? As the only one of us who both a) has magical powers and b) is alive, I'm saying we're going to do exactly what she asks, and the rest of you can fuck off all the way back to Misogyny Town. Population, you."

"Apologies for interrupting, but you are being rather loud. Could anyone explain exactly what Princess Guinevere has asked you to do?"

I turned to look into the ice-blue eyes of Queen Igraine, who looked like she absolutely wanted to talk to the manager.

*

Igraine had led me to her private quarters - Bors was pathetically relieved to have been summarily dismissed - where she had me outline Guinevere's scheme. When I had finished, I looked at her expectantly. I had no idea which way she was going to jump here.

"It's a terrible plan."

Hah!

"But that does not mean we should so easily discard it."

I may have taken this opportunity to indulge in an unnecessarily vigorous victory dance.

"Please do not do that in my presence again."

"Sorry, Your Highness."

"Although, can I just check? Did my siding with you displease a certain ex-cultivator?"

"Absolutely."

"Excellent. For future reference, if there are any way that I can support you in matters that piss off that despicable goat, you only have to ask. May I offer you some wine?"

*

Day drinking with the Queen of the Britons was a pretty intense experience. Every time I kind of thought I knew where I stood, I seemed to step on one taboo topic or another, and she ripped my head off.

I was loving it.

I felt like Sandy in Grease with Rizzo tearing me a new one every few scenes. If Igraine wasn't careful, I was going to Qi her up a pink jacket any moment.

Please don't use the phrase 'Qi her up' ever again.

I ignored him. I figured I was about eight bottles in, and whilst booze didn't seem to affect me in the same way as it did before, I was undoubtedly in the making-poor-life-choices-at-midnight-in-a-dark-nightclub territory.

"If this plan is to work, it is imperative that you tell no one else. Not Uther. Not any other member of Arthur's Marghekyon. No-one. Bors is scared enough of me to stay quiet if I tell him to, so we do not have to worry about anything leaking out there."

I figured I needed a slightly clearer head, so I pulsed some Qi into my liver. The effect was, disappointingly, almost instantaneous. "Do you really think we should do this? I know Bors and I have been clearing up most of the warbands still hanging around Tintagel, but from what I hear, there's no lack of Saxons out there. It was quite the effort to get back behind these walls relatively unscathed after the last trip. I get what the guys are saying that it feels like we might be asking for trouble."

Igraine fixed me with an imperious expression. "I know the pressure upon Guinevere better than anyone else alive. I was, I suppose, lucky. I was with child the first time Uther rutted with me. But, for whatever reason, I have been unable to supply the realm with 'spares.' So, believe me, I understand her pain. And I understand the weight on Arthur's shoulders in the absence of anyone else to share or understand his burden. I have had to watch their relationship collapse in on itself, with all the disastrous repercussions that it has for the realm. When we thought we had lost Arthur . . . Let me just say that this was a bleak time for us all. Thus, I am heartened to hear that she understands that my son is hurting, and despite everything else, she seeks to find a way to remedy that. What would I not like about that?"

"Do you think we can pull it off?"

"Do I think that giving Arthur an urgent, important martial adventure to save his Princess will ... get his juices flowing? I would be very much surprised if it did not. For all his flaws, no one doubts his prowess in the field. This could well be the perfect task for him to regain his confidence."

I hesitate to put my head in the lion's jaws again, my dear, but can we please remember that the whole point of you being in this realm is to ensure nothing untoward happens to the timeline. Call me cynical, but it will probably be easier to achieve that if Arthur and Guinevere are not traipsing through Saxon-infested woods, seeking a spark to rekindle their relationship.

The Queen obviously saw something on my face change when Merlin was speaking, as she took my hands and leant forward. "Is that old goat really in your head?"

I shrugged. "He is."

"How do you stand it?"

I smiled. "Oh, you know!"

Her expression darkened. "No. I don't know. That was why I asked."

Oh. Yes. Need to remember this is not a nice, old lady. "Apologies, Your Highness. Merlin knows things I need to understand better in order to save someone I love. He's kind of a dick most of the time, but he's also saved my life over and over again. I was only able to rescue Arthur because of him. I know he did you dirty, but I need his help. And he's good at this cultivation stuff."

I think that is quite possibly the nicest thing you have ever said about me, my dear.

"Don't let it go to your head."

Igraine was nodding, as if in thought. "Okay. I can appreciate naked self-interest. But understand, nothing good has ever happened to me, or those I love, at the hands of Merlin. He has great power, and power can be infinitely seductive. But when push comes to shove . . .

"He will kill your friends and family to remind you of his love?"

"What?"

"Sorry. Don't know where that came from."

"Okay." Igraine stood and beckoned a servant who was either deaf or in possession of the single greatest poker face of all time. "I think we should ask the Princess to join us in discussing the matter further. We have quite a lot of planning to achieve before the morning."

"Merlin, I didn't hear you just describe us as the three witches under your breath, did I?"

Goodness, Morgan, as if I would ...