Series
Welcome to the Dark Age (The Arthurian isekai xianxia comedy you didn't know you needed in your life)
Welcome to the Dark Age (The Arthurian isekai xianxia comedy you didn't know you needed in your life)
176 Chapters
Author:Malory
Status:ongoing
Synopsis
Cultivation is all fun and games.
Until someone kills Merlin.
Apparently, the only logical response to this fairly important change to Arthurian Lore is for me to be reincarnated into Dark Age Cornwall. But don't worry, I have an absolute understanding of feudal power dynamics, Qi cycling and anti-Saxon spell flinging.
Oh, I also lie a lot.
There's just the smallest chance that our timeline is doomed.
Book 1 - Welcome to the Dark Age
Book 2 - Journey to the Dark Tower
Book 3 - Quest for the Dark Blade
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Table of Contents
- 1In which Merlin ups and dies2024-11-13
- 2Chapter 1 - In which a legendary wizard fails to find my arse interesting.2024-11-13
- 3Chapter 2 - In which a lecture on cultivation is given2024-11-13
- 4Chapter 3 - In which I commit an act of wanton animal cruelty2024-11-13
- 5Chapter 3.5 - In which the act of absorbing essence is made unnecessarily sexual2024-11-13
- 6Chapter 4 - In which I glow up2024-11-13
- 7Chapter 4.5 - In which I meet a strong, independent woman2024-11-13
- 8Chapter 5 - In which heads roll2024-11-13
- 9Chapter 6 - In which the consequences of my drinking become apparent2024-11-13
- 10Chapter 7 - In which we learn far more about Arthur's sex life than feels appropriate2024-11-13
- 11Chapter 8 - In which Merlin displays surprising familiarity with dark comedies of 19892024-11-13
- 12Chapter 9 - In which lewd graffiti is introduced to dark age Cornwall2024-11-13
- 13Chapter 10 - In which Morgan 3:16 makes an appearance2024-11-13
- 14Chapter 11 - In which military strategy and dick jokes are explored2024-11-13
- 15Chapter 12 - In which I seek to develop some chill2024-11-13
- 16Chapter 12.2 - In which there is the dullest training montage of all time2024-11-13
- 17Chapter 12.5 - In which I make sense of cultivation through the lens of Mrs Rowling2024-11-13
- 18Chapter 13 - In which there is an inexplicable mash up of myth and interior decorating2024-11-13
- 19Chapter 14 - In which we discover the properties of a dragon’s fart2024-11-13
- 20Chapter 15 - In which we learn how the sausages are made2024-11-13
- 21Chapter 16 - In which having fucked around, I find out2024-11-13
- 22Chapter 17 - In which Merlin admits he was wrong and apologises sincerely2024-11-13
- 23Chapter 18 - In which the cat leaves the bag2024-11-13
- 24Chapter 19 - In which I make a new friend2024-11-13
- 25Chapter 20 - In which far, far too many fucks are given.2024-11-13
- 26Chapter 21 - In which we take an arguably unnecessary digression to a character you don't care about2024-11-13
- 27Chapter 22 - In which years of bunking off PE come home to roost2024-11-13
- 28Chapter 23 - In which, with regret, I indulge in some casual xenophobia2024-11-13
- 29Chapter 24 - In which we learn of painting restoration and lecherous old men2024-11-13
- 30Chapter 25 - In which I experience a hambush2024-11-13
- 31Chapter 26 - In which Arthur's performance anxiety is laid bare2024-11-13
- 32Chapter 27 - In which, accidental cannibalism aside, things start to look up2024-11-13
- 33Chapter 28 - In which we catch up with our friendly neighbourhood ancient wizard2024-11-13
- 34Chapter 29 - In which we learn of the pettiness of swords2024-11-13
- 35Chapter 30 - In which you should listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.2024-11-13
- 36Chapter 31 - In which I take the time to invest in my visual brand2024-11-13
- 37Chapter 32 - In which I’m fairly sure I commit a war crime2024-11-13
- 38Chapter 33 - In which Bors demonstrates he is no sixth-century Miss Marple2024-11-13
- 39Chapter 34 - In which the word 'Knockers' appears in a frequency not seen outside of a Carry On film2024-11-13
- 40Chapter 35 - In which we wack some Smurfs2024-11-13
- 41Chapter 36 - In which the properties of mana stones are revealed2024-11-13
- 42Chapter 37 - In which we digress to the siege of Isca Dumnoniorum2024-11-13
- 43Chapter 38 - In which we approach Alderaan. I mean ... no, you get it, right?2024-11-13
- 44Chapter 39 - In which Arthur decides to kill some fucking Saxons2024-11-13
- 45Chapter 40 - In which we suspect a sneaky effort to accelerate to 88mph2024-11-13
- 46Chapter 41 - In which, in respect for the fallen, there is only one dick joke.2024-11-13
- 47Chapter 42 - In which, no matter what Merlin might say, I absolutely become Captain Planet2024-11-13
- 48Chapter 43 - In which, for shits and giggles, we spend some time in the mind of a flaming sword2024-11-13
- 49Chapter 44 - In which we learn about Elemental cultivation and its deep debt to Disney songs2024-11-13
- 50Chapter 45 - In which Arthur goes a bit Colonel Kurtz.2024-11-13
- 51Chapter 46 - In which Team Morgan prepares its next steps2024-11-13
- 52Chapter 47 - In which 'Yo mamma' jokes lose something in translation.2024-11-13
- 53Chapter 48 - In which Tolkien would turn in his grave2024-11-13
- 54Chapter 49 - In which things veer dangerously close to a moment of honest sincerity2024-11-13
- 55Chapter 50 - In which I am entirely happy to be treated as a sex object2024-11-13
- 56Chapter 51 - In which Cedric begins to snarl.2024-11-13
- 57Chapter 52 - In which I become the Dark Age equivalent of Savlon2024-11-13
- 58Chapter 53 - In which Bors and Cedric swop poems and enter a dick measuring competition.2024-11-13
- 59Chapter 54 - In which shit gets real2024-11-13
- 60Chapter 55 - In which a bunch of myths and legends lose their hero2024-11-13
- 61Chapter 56 - In which we get a Rogue One moment. Remember not caring about Melehan? Shame on you2024-11-13
- 62Chapter 57 - In which we learn of the necessity of fucking Guinevere2024-11-13
- 63Chapter 58 - In which we learn about food and wine pairings2024-11-13
- 64Chapter 59 - In which I nail being a nurse. And Arthur nails some imaginary nurses.2024-11-13
- 65Chapter 60 - In which everyone's favourite warm, loving Queen offers more advice.2024-11-13
- 66Chapter 61 - In which the euphemisms for Arthur's penis are many and varied2024-11-13
- 67Chapter 62 - In which, to achieve a proper ethnic balance, some Scots are slaughtered.2024-11-13
- 68Chapter 63 - In which, as I am sure you will agree, my Alec Guinness impression is uncanny2024-11-13
- 69Chapter 64 - In which it clearly does not pay to play Cassandra around Cedric2024-11-13
- 70Chapter 65 - In which we bring Book One to a close2024-11-13
- 71Chapter 1 - In which John McTiernan pretty much gets a writing credit2024-11-13
- 72Chapter 2 - In which do I hear the words 'redemption arc' ...2024-11-13
- 73Chapter 3 - In which my unbroken streak of heterosexuality is challenged2024-11-13
- 74Chapter 4 - In which I give a speech of such class and sophistication it would make Jane Austen weep2024-11-13
- 75Chapter 5 - In which a terrible, terrible plan is unveiled2024-11-13
- 76Chapter 6 - In which I receive the spanking I so richly deserved2024-11-13
- 77Chapter 7 - In which an arguably unnecessarily amount of prose concerns horse dick2024-11-13
- 78Chapter 8 - In which there is nothing close to an apology offered2024-11-13
- 79Chapter 9 - In which we do a little gardening2024-11-13
- 80Chapter 10 - In which I had to google the meaning of 'hentai' to check this gag worked2024-11-13
- 81Chapter 11 - In which whatever you think happened between chapters says more about you than me2024-11-13
- 82Chapter 12 - In which Guinevere gets to work out some of her frustrations2024-11-13
- 83Chapter 13 - In which we hear a riddle you will all be asking around the dinner table tonight2024-11-13
- 84Chapter 14 - In which those quibbling with the physics need to remember all the fucking magic about2024-11-13
- 85Chapter 15 - In which I, unforgivably, miss the opportunity to include Muppets2024-11-13
- 86Chapter 16 - In which there is a vision of Camlann2024-11-13
- 87Chapter 17 - In which, yay, guess which tortured and mutilated wizard makes a comeback!2024-11-13
- 88Chapter 18 - In which there is a U2 joke of which I am so proud, I phoned a friend to share it.2024-11-13
- 89Chapter 19 - In which Guinevere does not have time for anyone's bullshit2024-11-13
- 90Chapter 20 - In which the pursuit of good manners inexplicably becomes the centre of my universe2024-11-13
- 91Chapter 21 - In which Morgan gets snatched and Melehan body-snatched2024-11-13
- 92Chapter 22 - In which I find myself in my own little version of Shawshank2024-11-13
- 93Chapter 23 - In which I start to go out of my tiny little mind2024-11-13
- 94Chapter 24 - In which Merlin gets his groove back2024-11-13
- 95Chapter 25 - In which Uther overplays his hand2024-11-13
- 96Chapter 26 - In which it is Big Girl Pants time2024-11-13
- 97Chapter 27 - In which I make a surprising new acquaintance2024-11-13
- 98Chapter 28 - In which you will see Drynwyn's Pandora's Box gag coming from a mile off2024-11-13
- 99Chapter 29 - In which a narrative roadblock requires the composition of a fucking poem to unclog.2024-11-13
- 100Chapter 30 - In which we meet a good old-fashioned revenge driven villain2024-11-13
- 101Chapter 31 - In which Escher would be proud2024-11-13
- 102Chapter 32 - In which Guinevere reflects on a man's love for his thick wooden shaft2024-11-13
- 103Chapter 33 - In which Bors and Cedric renew their acquaintance.2024-11-13
- 104Chapter 34 - In which Cedric gets his hands dirty2024-11-13
- 105Chapter 35 - In which Guinevere steps up2024-11-13
- 106Chapter 36 – In which I break bad2024-11-13
- 107Chapter 37 - In which I am reminded of the importance of just saying 'no'2024-11-13
- 108Chapter 38 - In which we uncover the third corner of the love triangle2024-11-13
- 109Chapter 39 - In which it all starts to spice up a little2024-11-13
- 110Chapter 40 - In which the bough breaks and the cradle falls. A fucking long way.2024-11-13
- 111Chapter 41 - In which we explore who has the most enormous cock in town.2024-11-13
- 112Chapter 42 - In which all is fun and games. Until someone drops a nuke.2024-11-13
- 113Chapter 43 - In which someone needs to pick up the pieces of a very pissed off Big Bad2024-11-13
- 114Chapter 44 - In which there is much effort to find the upside2024-11-13
- 115Chapter 45 - In which Arthur and I bury the hatchet2024-11-13
- 116Epilogue2024-11-13
- 117Chapter 1 - In which there is a changing of the guard2024-11-13
- 118Chapter 2 - In which I sing of arms and men2024-11-13
- 119Chapter 3 - In which the core cast grows2024-11-13
- 120Chapter 4 - In which Lancelot gets to show off his moves2024-11-13
- 121Chapter 5 - In which I am not a wizard, Harry2024-11-13
- 122Chapter 6 - In which the status of my virginity appears to be a significant plot point2024-11-13
- 123Chapter 7 - In which I have the facts of reproduction explained to me by a legendary cultivator2024-11-13
- 124Chapter 8 - In which we learn there are, apparently, tits and then there are TITS2024-11-13
- 125Chapter 9 - In which my Jedi mind tricks repertoire increases2024-11-13
- 126Chapter 10 - In which I get a king's juices flowing2024-11-13
- 127Chapter 11 - In which there is a deep dark wood2024-11-13
- 128Chapter 12 - In which I learn the difference between a dragon and a wyvern2024-11-13
- 129Chapter 13 - In which Blæk is fleshed in somewhat2024-11-13
- 130Chapter 14 - In which Beric is, once more, a colossal prick2024-11-13
- 131Chapter 15 – The Step of Blood (or, ‘it’s bigger than it looks on the outside’)2024-11-13
- 132Chapter 16 - In which a giant chicken continues to kick my arse2024-11-13
- 133Chapter 17 - In which Bors goes out of his gourd2024-11-13
- 134Chapter 18 - In which secrets are revealed2024-11-13
- 135Chapter 19 - In which it turns out levelling up is quite a vibe2024-11-13
- 136Chapter 20 - In which I am a motivational speaker2024-11-13
- 137Chapter 21 - In which I bring the concept of M.A.D to the dark ages2024-11-13
- 138Chapter 22 - In which the arses of Goblins are handed to them2024-11-13
- 139Chapter 23 - In which the dangers of profiteering are explored2024-11-13
- 140Chapter 24 - In which we learn of the ball-ache that are Hobgoblins2024-11-13
- 141Chapter 25 - In which I get my horticulture on2024-11-13
- 142Chapter 26 - In which we are ALL out of gum2024-11-13
- 143Chapter 27 - In which I get a lesson in realpolitik2024-11-13
- 144Chapter 28 - In which we meet the Fae2024-11-13
- 145Chapter 29 - In which there is good news and bad2024-11-13
- 146Chapter 30 - In which hands are thrown2024-11-13
- 147Chapter 31 - In which the best laid plans of mice and men get fucked2024-11-13
- 148Chapter 32 - In which I get my poisoning on2024-11-13
- 149Self-indulgent non-chapter2024-11-13
- 150Chapter 33 - In which I get rooted2024-11-13
- 151Chapter 34 - In which my pill-popping days are apparently not over2024-11-13
- 152Chapter 35 - In which there is a Great(ish) Escape2024-11-13
- 153Chapter 36 - In which Blæk finds a solid lead2024-11-13
- 154Chapter 37 - In which I test my tolerance for pain2024-11-13
- 155Chapter 38 - In which we get out of Dodge2024-11-13
- 156Chapter 39 - In which I am relied upon for some sage advice. We're doomed.2024-11-13
- 157Chapter 40 - In which we take something of an arse kicking2024-11-13
- 158Chapter 41 - In which Mark gets some things off his chest2024-11-13
- 159Chapter 42 - In which Qi usage is explained through the medium of premature ejaculation2024-11-13
- 160Chapter 43 – In which we move towards endgame2024-11-13
- 161Chapter 44 - In which it all goes a bit Cthulu2024-11-13
- 162Chapter 45 - In which Lancelot and I go balls to the wall2024-11-13
- 163Chapter 46 - In which we realise we were going to need a much bigger boat2024-11-13
- 164Chapter 47 - In which Nessie gets fucked up2024-11-13
- 165Chapter 48 – In which we have a slight change of plan2024-11-13
- 166Chapter 49 - In Which There is a Betrayal Of All That is Good2024-11-13
- 167Chapter 50 - In which an entirely obvious farting joke is made2024-11-13
- 168Chapter 51 - In which Bors starts to feel his age2024-11-13
- 169Chapter 52 - In Which Operation Noble Sacrifice is a Go (Again)2024-11-13
- 170Chapter 53 - In which we do the Time Warp again2024-11-13
- 171Chapter 54 – In which I give it everything I’ve got in the tank2024-11-13
- 172Chapter 55 - In which Hell hath no fury like a Dark Age Monarch scorned2024-11-13
- 173Chapter 56 – In which the siege of Tintagel begins to bite2024-11-13
- 174Chapter 57 – In which Arthur keeps it in his pants2024-11-13
- 175Chapter 58 – In which all’s well that ends well2024-11-13
- 176Epilogue2024-11-13