Chapter 4

The Forest

“There is just no way that lions, tigers, or bears should be anywhere near the UK,” Bert insisted again.

“Well, then how come they were,” Bell insisted from her perch on the head of her new pet. The poor thing was still too scared of Slothy to even think of misbehaving. “Are you sure they weren’t always here, and you just never noticed?”

“Yes, Bell,” Bert said through gritted teeth. “People tend to notice lions and tigers running around.”

“But no bears?” Bell pounced. “See, they were definitely here.”

“No, they weren’t,” Bert sighed. “They were not native to this island.”

“So the Fae must have brought them,” Bell shrugged. “I don’t blame them; Tiggy is just adorable.” She stroked the tiger with a warm smile.

“But why are they just running around?” Bert muttered. “That can’t be safe for low-level people.”

“Leveling opportunity?” Bell offered before sighing. “Also, let’s be honest. The Fae might have just done it for fun.”

“I thought they wanted to make friends with people. Letting wild animals go in the area must not have won them many fans.” Bert tapped his fingers on the arm of his chair. “I’m not getting a good feel about all this.”

“Yeah,” Bell admitted. “It’s not looking great for the Fae reunion, is it?”

“Well,” Bert said with a half smile. “It makes sense. I know I’ve never had a family reunion without it being a complete nightmare.”

“Well,” Bell said, “Imagine that, but half the relatives are all ridiculously more powerful. It must have been like that.”

“Like I said,” Bert shrugged. “I don't get the feeling things are going very well here.”

Entering the forest slowed them down a little as the complicated collection system on the front of the Waystation was a little less destructive than it had been in the old days. Still, it worked.

Watching trees that he actually recognized the type of getting harvested was kind of a novel experience for him. It had always been the trees on some alien world getting turned into pulp before. Bert smiled as he realized here he was, a Fae lord in their Travelling Court, worrying if this would contribute to the Climate Change issue.

Hell, did that even exist anymore? Did the Fae fix it, or just make things worse?

So many questions, and so far, not a human around to answer them. Still, he was reasonably sure that their direction would take them to where the nearby town was supposed to be. Maybe it was still there, just a little further away than it used to be.

That was what he was hoping for, anyway.

In the meantime, he went and checked in with Bud and Tim, who wanted to go hunting. Bud was practically bouncing with the idea of hunting in this forest, so Bert came up with a plan.

“Hey, why don’t you head out with Slothy and Tim? Have a family hunting trip for a couple of days?” Bert grinned.

“You know what?” Bud nodded. “I think that sounds great.” Bud grinned as well, and no one grinned like a skull with a strange, stretchy bone structure that no one was quite sure was normal, even for an undead of his level.

“If we get to the other side of the forest before you, we’ll hang out and wait,” Bert said as he slapped Bud on the back. “It’ll be good for you guys to get out and about.”

“What about if you are attacked?” Bud asked, ever the loyal guardian.

“Judging from those animals?” Bert grinned. “We’ll be fine.”

So, they stopped briefly while the little family of three got unloaded and headed off to explore a little.

“One question,” Bert said to Bell as they waved the three off. “What the hell is with the sandwiches?”

“They need to take sandwiches,” Bell insisted. “They are going camping.”

“Hun, none of them eat,” Bert added. “Except Slothy, and she doesn’t do sandwiches.”

“Not the point,” Bell shrugged. “You go traveling; you take sandwiches.”

“Fair enough,” Bert said, knowing he would never win this one.

================

While the Waystation crawled through the trees, leaving a wide, clear path of smooth, packed earth behind it, Bert had plenty of time to do something he had been putting off for a while.

Reed and Lowes were a lovely couple. They were also a pair of assassins who were devoted followers of their world’s God of Death. They hadn’t been out of their rooms since the whole party got dragged back to Earth, and there was another person in their little group of rooms.

Death’s daughter.

Accidentally abducting two of Death’s worshipers and his child was a genuinely awkward situation, but at least it was one Bert was innocent of causing.

Now, he just had to hope they felt the same way.

Bert was just about to knock when the door flew open, and a figure wrapped itself around his legs.

“Uncy Blert!” He saw little blond curls and a pretty dress, but the kid was a toddler, at least. Way too old to be the child he was expecting. Also… Uncy?

“Uh, Hi!” Bert said, doing his best not to sound as lost as he was. “How are you, little one?”

“I’m good!” A cherubic face looked up at him. “I’m playing with a bunny!”

“Master Hudson,” Reed appeared in the doorway, “Would you like to come it?”

“Yeah, Hey Reed. I thought a little chat was in order.” Bert smiled as he gently unwrapped the child, who seemed to reapply the hug faster than he could actually remove her.

“I want to show Uncy Blert my bunny!” she told Reed. And it was definitely telling, not asking.

“I’m not sure that is a good idea, precious,” Lowes’ voice carried from inside the room.

“I’m showing BUNNY!” She snapped, black smoke drifting from her eyes.

“Ugh, fine!” Reed waved Bert inside.

Reed and Lowes occupied custom compartments with Death’s daughter. The Waystation had done that of their own accord, but Bert had no complaints. While the other compartments were clearly traveling quarters, this place was a home. It had its own living room, dining room, bathrooms, and a pair of bedrooms. Everything inside looked like it had come from a home and garden issue from the fifties, which was so weird he wasn’t going into it. It was surprisingly colorful, given the occupants.

The table was currently set for tea, with five cups: two for Reed and Lowes, one for Death’s daughter, and the other two for…?

“Are we expecting others?” Bert asked.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

“No, silly, Uncy Blert!” the toddler laughed. “Just you and bunny.”

“I didn’t know Way Way let you know I was coming,” Bert noted.

“They didn’t,” Lowes said and gestured to the toddler.

“So, I just came to say–” Bert stopped as a mass of bleeding meat was shoved in his face.

“Meet bunny!” The toddler shook the mass of bone and meat in his face.

“Hello, Bunny,” Bert said automatically.

“Call me Bun!” It said as the shaped meat opened two eyes and gave him a goofy grin.

“Fuckin’ Hell!” Bert leaped out of the chair while the toddler fell over laughing.

“No!” Lowes snapped. “We told you not to do that!”

“I do what I want!” The toddler snapped, leaking darkness from their eyes and mouth while she glared.

“Young Lady!” Reed said quietly. “Do we need to tell your daddy you were bad?”

“No!” She snapped and grumpily climbed into her chair. “I’ll be good.”

“Thank you, darling girl,” Lowes said and smiled.

“So, is bunny alive?” Bert whispered to him.

“On and off,” Lowes said. “She’s not quite strong enough to raise him permanently… yet.”

“Oh, right.” Bert sat down again. “Still, nice trick.”

“On that subject,” Reed added. “Can we avoid swearing in her company, please?”

“Of course,” Bert flushed. “I’m sorry.”

“Now that Uncy Blert is here, do I get my name?” she asked, picking up her cup with both hands.

“Pardon?” Bert asked, lost again.

Bert focused on the child again, still getting no first name. The last name was, however, filled in.

— Hudson

God-Child

Demi-Reaper

Calamity

“I have two questions,” Bert said quietly.

“She wouldn’t let us give her a name until you were here,” Reed said quickly. “As for the Hudson thing… I think it has to do with her father.”

Her father was very much what Bert had come here to talk about, but things had gotten out of hand so quickly that he hadn’t had much of a chance yet. Since the topic was suddenly brought up, he seized onto it.

“About that,” Bert interrupted. “I am sorry you were all yanked back here with me. If there had been any choice at all, I would have left you all in your home world. I just wasn’t given a choice.”

“We know,” Reed said and patted his hand. “Don’t worry.”

“Our Lord told us something like this could happen,” Lowes added.

“But to cut a child off from her father,” Bert sighed.

“It’s okay, Uncy Blert,” The toddler hugged his leg. “Daddy’s here now. No be sad!”

Everyone froze.

“Your dad’s here, on Earth?” Bert asked.

“Yeah!” She giggled. “And he’s got a friend. She’s a girl!”

“That’s nice,” Reed said, sweating slightly. “Is your dad happy?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “He’s Daddy Ben now.” She concentrated. “Ben-the-dick Hudson.” She beamed.

“Benedict?” Bert tried.

“That’s what I said,” the girl nodded. “So, now I want my name!”

“We have a lovely name for you,” Reed offered.

“No!” Her voice shook the windows this time. “Uncy! Blert! Daddy said!”

All eyes turned to him.

Bell arrived a few minutes later to fetch Bert. Something had been visible ahead of them, and she wanted him up front to tell her what it was. She arrived just in time to meet Camila Hudson, her new niece.

She was an immediate and massive fan of ‘Uncy Blert,’ at least until Camila waved goodbye to ‘Uncy Blert’ and ‘Aunty Bell-End.’

=============

The trees slowly thinned ahead of the Waystation, and Bert and a fuming Bell got a clearer view of what she had spotted. It was, without a doubt, a streetlight. The red and yellow were lit, while the green was smashed. A tree branch had grown clean through it. A few scattered pieces of overgrown and cracked roadway surrounded it.

That was only the aperitif, as it were, as they got closer and saw an entire town marooned there, in the middle of the forest. If the amount of growth was anything to go by, whatever had happened to expand this planet was done a good amount of time in the past. Almost immediately after the Fae arrived was his guess.

Trim trees and shrubs had forced their way up through the roadway and the pavements while moss was growing freely on the walls of the shops lining the street.

The streetlights were leaning at odd angles, but there was clearly power somehow. Every light in the place was on, even the ones in the shop windows.

The Waystation rolled to a stop, and Bert and Bell got out, listening to the silence that reigned over the empty town main street. Through the trees on either side, they could see overgrown gardens and houses from the streets surrounding the town. Nothing was moving in the empty main street.

“Well,” Bell asked. “Are we exploring it or flattening it?”

“There are other options,” Bert said with a smile.

“No, there aren’t.” Bell smiled back. “Come on, take me shopping!”

“The shops are shut,” Bert noted.

“Not for long!” She twirled Ringer in her hand.

Bert decided she had a point, so he asked Lily to tell Gavin and Lyra to watch the Waystation while the three of them went into the town.

Lily, who had gotten used to Bert always knowing where she was, even when she was entirely sure that she was hidden, huffed and complied.

“He-lll-ooo!” Bert yelled as they stepped onto the first bit of unbroken tarmac. “We aren’t here to attack anyone!”

“Yeah, and if they believe people who say that, they’re all already dead,” Bell laughed.

“She has a point,” Lily added from overhead.

“Uh-uh,” Bell said. “No talking from the shadows, young lady!” She said. “Come down here and walk like the rest of us.”

“Do I have to?” Lily whispered.

“There is no one around,” Bert said. “As soon as you see someone, you can vanish.”

“Okay,” Lily faded into view as a pixie before popping into human size. The teen was still small, but she gripped her spear in a way that left no chance of her being mistaken for an easy target.

Bert led them over to the store on the corner closest to them. It was a newsagent, one of those that has a thousand stores, all of them identical. Technically, it was a newsagent, but it also sold overpriced snacks and drinks and whatever book was popular enough to sell while still being cheap enough that the company could buy it at a discount.

The discount was not passed on to the customer because, well, fuck them, I guess? It seemed to be the opinion of most companies when he left, but maybe things changed afterward… but he doubted it.

He twisted the door handle, breaking the cheap metal easily, and pushed the door open before Bell could smash it in.

“Spoilsport,” She muttered.

“It leaves more intact for Way Way,” Bert countered, shamelessly striking at her weak point.

She glared, aware of what he was doing, but nodded.

Inside the store, the shelves were covered in dust, and a few things had started to lose the battle with the mold starting to grow down the walls from where the roof was apparently leaking. Bell started to look through the magazines, cooing at the pictures as she discovered the world of tattoo art, and Bert began to desperately hope at least a few had survived, or he was never going to hear the end of it.

Lily seemed more interested in the motorbike magazines, which was a surprise, but it just went to show that one should not judge a book by its cover. As for Bert, he went straight for the newspapers, hoping to find something that explained a little what had happened.

Peace talks a trap!

The latest gathering called by the invading forces of the Fae ended before they could even start, with a massive spell consuming a large number of the delegates.

It is not known which side was responsible at this time, but the governments of the Freedom Alliance called it an obvious Fae trap. While many hoped to see the wars finally end, it is reported that the Fae are planning to increase their attacks.

Bert put it aside and looked through the other papers. He was not surprised some of the headlines were a little strange, but he hoped for some idea of what had emptied large areas of the countryside.

Fae temptress seduces Pope!

Bert didn’t even bother to scan that one, moving on.

Half Fae and the Future of Earth

“The recent reports of half-fae children being born to human parents have caused much worry among all right-minded elements of the population. The idea that these half-breeds are naturally occurring is, of course, ridiculous. The only advice I can give to people in this situation is this… kill the changeling and mourn your real child. It was stolen by the Fae.” - Arch Bishop of Canterbury on recent events.

Bert ripped that one in half.

Courts courting disaster?

The rumors of infighting within the Fae were strengthened today when a reporter witnessed an argument between the Lord of the Summer Court and an unknown Fae. The argument was apparently heated, and spells were thrown before the two were calmed down.

The subject of this argument? The future of the Courts on Earth.

Bert threw the paper aside, resting his hands on the counter, as he tried to clear his head and determine whether any of that was actually helpful.

It wasn’t just that the reports and papers all assumed you already knew what had happened before the latest story; it was that the newspapers themselves were difficult to trust.

The idea of the newspaper or any other journalist as a tireless pursuer of the truth was well and truly dead, even before magic and the Fae, so it was difficult to imagine that it had improved while an actual invasion and war were happening.

By the time Bert took that fateful stroll, the newspapers had abandoned even the pretext of impartiality. The lure of preaching to the choir, of telling people what they wanted to hear, and of focusing on your own demographic had started slow but expanded fast.

It certainly helped to retain readers when you only echoed their own views back to them, regardless of the facts. In time, naturally, that led to stories being twisted until the facts no longer mattered.

Bert turned back to the others, seeing them eagerly filling bags with books, magazines, and everything else they could.

“Come on,” Bert smiled. “Let’s see what else this place has to offer.”