Chapter One

Welcome Home

“What a shit-hole, no offense,” Bell poked around the bungalow Bert had once shared with Gwen with every sign of distaste. “What’s that for?” She asked as she pointed across the moldy room at what remained of his desk.

“Laptop computer,” Bert said with a smile. “It was how I played games and that kind of thing. Like the screens Way-Way has, but connected to a really big network of other screens.”

“No wonder you were suicidal,” Bell said as she flopped onto what remained of the couch, raising a massive cloud of dust in the process. “How did people stand this?”

“Nothing tried to eat us every other day,” Bert shrugged. “You get comfortable. Also, it used to look a lot nicer than this.”

“Yeah, I doubt that,” Bell said with a sigh.

Bert smiled as he poked through his old things. It was weird, but it almost felt like he was picking through someone else’s things rather than his own. A lot had changed in the surprisingly short time he had been gone.

He had changed. The world had changed.

Also, it seemed to have ended, and Bert felt uncomfortable that he might be to blame for that. He had caught the Fae's attention, and they said they were coming here.

His last conversations on the topic had suggested that things were not going well, but from the small part of Earth he had seen so far, that was a massive understatement. Admittedly, that was currently just his old street, and they had searched for a good dozen houses, but the initial reports were not looking good.

Abandoned places had a look, but more than that, a certain feel. His time in the other world had undoubtedly given him the chance to explore a few of those places, so he knew what they felt like. This street, with its half-fallen-down houses and empty windows covered in grime, felt just like those empty cities and forgotten fortresses they had searched.

Still, it had once been home, and that had to count for something.

Or did it?

“Fuck it,” Bert smiled at Bell, “Let’s get the Waystation to eat it all.”

“Yes!” Bell jumped up and led him out of the bungalow with her arm through his.

“That town you said was a couple of miles from here?” Bud said as he came back from his scouting with Slothy and the orcs. “It’s not there.”

“Fallen down?” Bert frowned as he watched the street of houses slowly vanishing into the ground as Way-Way absorbed them.

“Not there, not there,” Bud shook his head, “Like, nothing was ever built there. We found some forest, a decent-sized stream, and not much else. No ruins, no holes in the ground, nothing.”

“It's the same in every direction,” Tru-Nal nodded. “This strange road?” She tapped her booted foot against the blacktop. “It vanishes into the grass at the end of this set of buildings.”

It was not as surprising as it might have been. There were more than a few hints that things had changed on Earth, like the mountains he could see in the distance. The midlands–the part of England he had lived in–had many lovely geographical features to enjoy, but mountains were not one of them. Let alone what appeared to be a whole mountain range worth of them. Spiky-looking buggers as well.

“Did you see any people?” Bert asked hopefully.

They just shook their heads sadly.

Bert tried to think past the repeated shocks of the last few hours. He was back on Earth but was completely changed. His people were all here, even those who had signed up with Rose to work in the new city. If there were any humans around here, they would be lying low and avoiding coming over to say hi. Not that he was surprised by that. The giant metal land-train plowing through the only remaining buildings in the area was a bad first impression. That was before you considered the other thing that had arrived with them. Nothing like a village full of demons and aliens with strange walls to make people hesitate to come over and welcome the new neighbors, and that was before you considered the fact it was on the back of an unholy amalgamation of plant and crab with a massive succulent mast ending in a weird sail.

“So, what’s the plan?” Bell asked, finally bothering to join the conversation. Her initial interest in his old place had quickly faded, and the irrepressible pixie was already getting bored. For a lady who had spent decades in a clearing in the middle of a forgotten forest, she sure didn’t like to stay in one place any longer than they had to.

“I honestly have no idea,” Bert admitted. “Family meeting?”

“Oh, good,” Bell said sarcastically. “Those always go so well.”

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There was a time when family meetings took place around a table in a barn—a nice barn, to be sure, but still a barn. The family had grown a little since then. Part of the reason for that was the fact that Bert and Bell, thanks to a magical accident, now had a daughter called Wendy, but the greater reason was that Bert picked up the lost and abandoned people like a child brings home stray animals. The analogy certainly fit when they all gathered in the private dining area of the Waystation. Scruff, the possibly evil farmer-turned-plant- fae, was leaning so far back in her chair that she had to use a pair of tendrils to stop the chair from falling over. Wendy, their half-pixie daughter, ignored the chairs entirely and sat on the edge of the table and threw food at the invisible former half-pixie Lily as she dodged and summoned illusions to throw off her aim. The only other Garbage Man in existence, Rose, was Lily’s estranged sister, who refused to sit, standing stiffly next to a chair and trying to disappear into the background as much as possible. The task was next to impossible, given the two metallic arms that had replaced the ones she lost, but she sure gave it a shot.

Bud had his chair pushed back, his skeletal form looking downright fatherly as he bounced the small gnork skeleton, his adopted minion/kid Tim, while it laughed manically and tried to set fire to the table surreptitiously. Now, there are very few tables in the galaxy that can include Bud and Tim and not have them be the strangest ones present, but in this group, they were simply too normal-looking. Their immediate neighbors were a perfect example, featuring the nervous-looking Gavin and his half-elven wife of barely a few days acquaintance. The two were being orbited by strange furred creatures shouting obscenities. Amid shouts of ‘Bawbag!’ and ‘Baws!’ they did their best to look innocent, especially since a third was running around the room shouting ‘Fuck!’ repeatedly.

Compared to all that, the psychotic pixie Bert called his wife was practically mundane.

Despite the gently escalating mayhem, there were some serious issues to deal with, hence the meeting.

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“Shut! Up!” Bell bellowed at window-shattering volumes, a thing she did with amazing regularity. Everyone at least turned to look at her and Bert, which was a start.

“Okay, thanks, everyone. Uh, Welcome to Earth, I guess.” He grinned. “This is not exactly the place I remember, but it at least used to be where I came from. I called you all here because we have a few problems to sort you.”

“A few?” Wendy stretched. “Do we all need to be here? I have a small army of demons to keep entertained.”

“Last I checked, they were entertaining you,” Scruff grinned. “How are the games going, by the way?”

“Good!” Wendy grinned. “I think the high jump was a mistake, given that the town is several stories off the ground, but I’m sure his legs will grow back.”

“Focus,” Bert said with a sigh. “Yes, we all need to be here. Or do you not want to know the plans?”

“I know our plans,” Wendy said quietly, which made Bell glare suspiciously at her.

“Okay, now.” Bert tried to get things back on track. “First problem: we have an army of demons here and in the village. They are probably trapped here until they find an access point for their realm.”

“We’ll take them,” Wendy and Scruff said in perfect unison, which wasn’t suspicious at all.

“Okay, if you are sure,” They nodded, and Bert went on, “Next problem, we have apparently abducted Bernhardt. He is still planted in Scruff’s fields and refusing to move, despite the whole being dragged to another world thing.”

“Why not let him take over my fields?” Scruff asked. “Then, I could focus on the village and my new plant.”

“Skipping over the ridiculous level of understatement that is referring to that thing as just a new plant, that’s fine if you are okay with it,” Bert nodded but shared a look with Bell. There was definitely more than the usual scheming going on with those two.

“How nice of you both,” Bell said with sarcasm dripping off each syllable.

“Next, we have our biggest issue,” Bert hurried on while mother and daughter glared at each other, “Reed, Lowes, and Death’s daughter were apparently transported here along with us.”

“Are they pissed?” Bud asked. “I know they kind of worship that world’s Death.”

“No, which is fucking weird,” Bert replied. “I have a feeling they might have known something like this was going to happen.”

“Gods and Immortals,” Bud shook his head, “They never stop fucking with us.”

“Lot of good it’s done them so far,” Bell giggled to a chorus of cheers.

“All done?” Wendy jumped off the table.

“Not even close,” Bert smiled. “Next problem. What are you two up to?”

Wendy and Scruff both tried their best to look innocent, instantly confirming they were guilty.

“Fine!” Wendy growled. “We were just going to take a little walk.”

“A little walk?” Bert asked before a sudden flash of inspiration hit him. “And how far were you thinking of going?”

“Not too far,” Wendy said immediately. “Just a few hundred miles or so?”

“A few hundred miles?” Bert asked. “Taking a certain village with you?”

“Maybe,” Wendy admitted.

“And an army of demons,” Bert noted.

“Not just the demons,” Wendy wheedled. “People too, oh, and Rose.”

“Me?” Rose jumped a little.

“Yeah, well.” Wendy grinned. “I love running the demons, but there is no fucking way I am running a town.” She winked. “I promise it will be fun.”

“Oh, Fae-balls!” Bell said suddenly, “You’re going to conquer everything you see, aren’t you?”

“Not conquer,” Wendy protested. “Just visit.”

“With an army of demons,” Bert noted again. He felt it was important to reiterate this point.

“Visit thoroughly?” Wendy tried.

Bert looked over at Scruff, who was fidgeting nervously. As someone who routinely did whatever would make his love happy, he recognized the type. It was one of many reasons that Scruff was a perfect fit for Wendy. Wendy was very much like her mother. Bell could often come off as a little selfish, but that was just a first impression. Everything Bell did, she did for those around her. Most especially for the Waystation itself. Unfortunately, neither Wendy nor Bell had quite gotten the idea that killing people was wrong. People were simply there. If you fucked with their people, expect only what little mercy Bert and Scruff could convince them to give you.

“How thoroughly?” Bert asked Scruff.

“We won’t attack anyone who doesn’t attack us first, I promise,” Scruff grumbled.

Bert and Bell shared a look.

“Fine,” They both said at the same time.

“But you all better be careful. We want everyone back, and you have to come and visit often,” Bert added.

“Agreed!” Wendy smiled and rubbed her hands together. “This is going to be so much fun.”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Bud whispered to Bert.

“I already triggered the apocalypse for Earth; how much worse could they possibly make it?” Bert whispered back.

The decision completely derailed any attempts to devise a plan for the future, as everyone gathered around Wnedy and Scruff with advice, congratulations, or simply to ask to come along. Sitting back and watching, Bert and Bell simply hoped they would be okay. Experience told them they would be able to tell if anything really bad happened, but that didn’t mean they would be in time to change it.

If one thing made them feel better, it was the sheer amount of firepower, or in this case, demon power, they were taking with them. Add that to the fact that neither of them was exactly weak and the walking nightmare they were traveling on, and… yeah, they’d be fine. Earth might not be, but they would.

========

Things got very busy for a while. Scruff helpfully constructed a living bridge of plants to get the demons off the Waystation and onto… the thing.

Calling it the thing, the crab monster or the village didn’t quite fit. It had to have a name, after all. Bert pointed this out to Scruff, who went quiet for a while before simply shrugging and declaring it was ‘The Bower.’ It was a nice name, but he felt it lacked a certain aspect—specifically, the nightmare crab-shaped plant creature that it actually was.

His opinion on the matter was, it turned out, unwelcome.

A little over a day after the meeting, Bert, Bell, Bud, and the others all gathered on top of the Waystation to watch The Bower walk off into the unknown with a full complement of demons and a very happy pair of Fae waving from the walls.

Rose did not wave; she simply nodded once and walked back into the village to get to work.

“Did you say goodbye?” Bert asked Lily.

“I did, but it was really awkward,” Lily said with a sigh. “She is still hurt that I don’t quite trust her anymore.”

“You said goodbye; that’s what matters,” Bert said, putting an arm around the young Fae. “A little time apart to let old wounds heal might even be good for the pair of you.”

“I hope so,” Lily said morosely.

“You never did say what the plan was,” Bell said. “Please say it isn’t staying here.”

“It isn’t staying here,” Bert confirmed.

He had been thinking about what to do since the disastrous family meeting and, at first, had no idea what to do. He didn’t belong in this world anymore. Sure, he came from here, but the old adage was true. You can never go home again.

Too much had changed while he was away, and it wasn’t just the guilt of accidentally triggering the return of the Fae that made him feel that way. This world was one he had never really fit into. No matter what, he had a place where he fit now. The Waystation and his crazy, slightly murder-happy family. So, what would he do?

At first, he had planned to explore this world just as he had the one before. But so much had changed here that it might as well be a new place—a new, old place. There were bound to be wonders and terrors to find in this world now, and more than a few people who needed a Waystation as shelter from the world outside.

Then he remembered the good times, few as they were, that he had here. That gave him the idea that he could tour the place and show his new family everything he used to love. It was an attractive idea, showing Bud and Bell the movies and TV shows he grew up on, that kind of thing.

In the end, it was sort of all of that, plus his natural curiosity.

This world should have been teeming with people—humans and Fae—yet he hadn’t seen or heard anyone. That meant something had happened that he had no knowledge of. It was a mystery, and Bert loved mysteries.

So he had a plan.

The world was wrecked? He’d just put it back together.

There was a mystery in all this? He’d just have to solve it.

In short, it was time to take his people out into the wilderness of this new version of Earth, figure out where everything had gone wrong, and put it back together again. If nothing else, it would be fun. Sure, some people might object, but they sure as hell better hope they had more than old-school weapons to object with… because he knew that he did.

If all else failed, he had a pixie with a knife fetish and a truly horrifying number of knives.