Bert ate the cucumber sandwich, savoring the delicate little triangles that were a taste of home that he had never even realized he missed. They even had cracked black pepper on them! The lemonade was cool and refreshing, and it was all so strange.

He had been in nonstop madness for so long now that this calm little garden party, which it had definitely become, was so out of the ordinary as to seem fantastical. Of course, he was watching a selection of seven-foot-tall people with markers from various fantasy species interacting with a dwarf, a half-pixie, whatever the hell Scruff was now, and a skeleton… so there was definitely a fantasy theme.

“Whatcha thinking?” Bell asked from her perch on his shoulder.

“How crazy this bit of normal feels,” Bert admitted.

“I can fix it!” Bell laughed.

“How?” Bert asked, amused and curious enough to disregard caution.

“If you look under the table, you will see Tim trying to light the table on fire; Lily has cast a glamour so no one can see her, and the orcs have surrounded the group in case of trouble.” She giggled, “And Gavin is frantically avoiding looking up as the lady chatting to him is wearing a short skirt and hasn’t realized that with his height, he would look up it as soon as he looks up.” She took a bite of her sandwich, which was almost the same size as her, “Feel better?”

“Loads, thanks,” Bert said, scooping Tim out from underneath the table and sending him running off toward Bud. He wasn’t lying, either.

“Lily,” He said to apparently empty air, “Why are you hiding?”

“Too many people make me nervous when I’m really me,” She said quietly.

“Run back into the Waystation and come out in a glamor if you like,” He said quietly while apparently trying to choose a sandwich. “On the way, grab the nearest orc and tell them that if Mic and Ric knick anything, I’ll give them to Slothy as a chew toy.”

“Yes, Sir,” She giggled as her voice faded away.

“Nicely done,” Bell burped happily. “Now you just have one huge problem to worry about.”

“What?” Bert asked.

“The fact that their house would make such wonderful smashing sounds if I drove the Waystation through it,” She said breathlessly. “It’s literally all I can think about.”

“Fuck sake, Bell,” Bert laughed.

“Bert!” Scruff waved him over to where she was talking with Bernhardt.

“What’s up?” Bert asked, giving a friendly nod to the Head Gardener.

“Your friend was just telling me about some of her plant ideas,” Bernhardt said. “They are genius but quite impossible to actually make.”

“Got new plans?” Bert asked Scruff, who was looking frustrated.

“No!” Scruff said. “He just doesn’t believe me that the plants exist!”

“So, let’s give him a tour.” Bert shrugged. “But let’s skip those ones; they’d just eat the guests.”

“Surely, you jest?” Bernhardt said mildly. “I am a high-level Gardener of the highest order; I am more than a match for any plant.”

“I’ll leave that up to Scruff,” Bert said, grinning. “They’re her creations.”

“Are you coming?” Scruff asked when he joined them.

“We don’t want to miss the show!” Bell giggled.

It took a couple of minutes as the Head Gardener kept stopping to examine things on the way. He was one of those terminally curious people who could never not touch the thing.

When they got to the first level of the farm car, he froze, his eyes shooting around like a kid in a candy store for the first time.

“No!” He said in shock as he bent over a bloodberry bush. “This can not be!”

“It can, and they are tasty to boot.” Scruff preened. “Not quite as good as a healing potion, but close.”

“May I?” Bernhardt asked, his hand hovering over a berry.

“Sure,” Scruff watched the man pick a berry, sniffing, squeezing, and even licking it before eating it.

“Marvelous!” He said happily. “I must have a seed or two!”

“Don’t start haggling until you’ve seen the rest,” Bell warned.

Over the next few minutes, Bert and Bell watched a grown man regress to being a toddler, wandering around with his mouth open as Scruff showed him everything from the razor vines to the Bolt bushes. There were also a number of plants Bert had never seen before.

“Steelgrass,” Scruff said proudly. “It took me so long to get a natural refinement process until I figured out it naturally tried to form into a long thin shape.” She grabbed the Gardener’s hand as he reached down. “Careful, it’s extremely sharp.”

“I promise, I’ll be fine,” Bernhardt said, and true to his word, the grass didn’t harm him in the slightest. “Grown from Iron ore and coal?” He asked. “Really?”

Scruff nodded. “What do you think?”

“What do I think?” Bernhardt laughed. “I think you should teach a class here!” He shook his head, “Your thinking is so… open. So creative. It is a field of marvels, with no end in sight.”

“Can I leave you here for a moment?” Scruff said proudly. “I just have a small surprise for Bert.”

“Of course,” Bernhardt said. “I’ll be here.”

Scruff led Bert and Bell into the small living area and to a seedling tray.

“Okay,” Scruff said nervously. “So, I wanted to find a way to thank you both for everything,” She swallowed hard. “So I made this, it took a while to get it right, but I can plant a whole bed of this stuff whenever we want now!”

Bert looked at the little bushel of grass and thought it was more Steelgrass until he noticed the blueish sheen to the silver.

“No fucking way!” Bert said, looking up at Scruff.

She nodded anxiously.

“What?” Bell demanded. “Tell me!”

“I don’t want to say it out loud,” Bert said, suddenly paranoid, “Analyze it.”

Bell almost fell off his shoulder, slamming her hands over her mouth.

Sky Steel Grass

A remarkable creation that grows pure sky steel at unmatched purity.

Requires iron, coal, and an ample supply of manner to grow.

The Waystation would never need to worry about expanding ever again.

==========

“For the last time, you can not trade your children for seeds!” The assistant roared in Bernhardt’s face.

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

“Are you sure?” He asked. “Is it in the Guild Charter?”

“No!” She snapped. “Because they didn’t think anyone needed to be told that!”

Bert, Bell, and Scruff sat on the other side of an ornate crystal table from the Head Gardener and a few of his people as they negotiated an exchange of seeds and knowledge.

It seemed that Scruff had created the Gardener’s version of a collection of near-mythical plants. And they wanted them badly.

Barnhardt was also a frankly terrible negotiator. This was the second time he had offered his assistant, or their choice of any of his children, for a single seed of the steelgrass.

“If I may?” Bert leaned forward before the poor Assistant had a stroke. “We need a great deal of things; I’m sure we can find a good exchange for things such as knowledge.”

“Of course!” Bernhardt said happily, “I have a collection of over a thousand horticultural tomes; they are yours for… two seeds?”

“Out!” His assistant said. “That is it! Out!” She pulled him out of his chair and pushed the protesting man out the door.”

“And the child of your choice!” He yelled around the door before she managed to slam it closed.

Bert tried very hard not to laugh.

So far, he had given Scruff over a hundred seeds, most of them rare, a Professorship on the staff and her own room in the building. In exchange, Scruff had given him five seeds. Three Bloodberry and two Steelvine. She offered Razorvine, but he said he had no interest in combat plants.

“What is it that you need,” His assistant said as she smoothed her hair and tried to regain her composure. “I would be happy to help.”

“You have a lot of glass around,” Bert said. “I’ve been using crystal up until now. I wonder how much you have spare?”

“Glass?” She nodded. “We have several thousand spare panes.” She dipped her quill and made a note on a paper pad in front of her. “I can also supply a book on the making of it, should that be of interest to you?”

“Very much.” Bert nodded. “Is that okay with you, Scruff?”

“Sure,” She shrugged. “I’ve got everything I wanted already.”

“In addition, I would like to offer you a Guild Symbol,” The Assistant said proudly. “It will not require anything of you, as frankly, you have exceeded the required contributions to the field already. It will definitely facilitate your free movement across the known nations.” She looked proud. “Everyone respects the guilds, and we are one of the largest.”

“Sounds good,” Bert shrugged. “What are the Guilds exactly?”

“After the Ten Kingdoms war, the individual rulers were mostly broke,” She smiled, “The Guilds rose to fill the gaps. The Crafter’s Guild was the first, as there was just so much to do. Then came the Builders, the Rangers, and the Growers. That last one is us.” She smiled. “There are more, of course, but that all came much later. “The four original guilds are the strongest and, of course, respected across boundaries like kingdom or country.”

“Nice,” Bert said mildly. “Symbols anyone can recognize and rely on.”

“Exactly,” She nodded and passed a thick golden coin to Scruff. “The symbol can be displayed anywhere on your vehicle, but some may want to verify with that coin. Just put a little mana into it, and it is permanently bound to you.”

Scruff concentrated, and the coin flashed.

“Excellent, welcome to the Guild.” She smiled.

“You don’t need to check with anyone or mark it down somewhere?” Bell asked suspiciously.

“No, My family is the Originator of the Guild, so my coin is connected to all registers, everywhere.” She nodded. “Any questions?”

“Yeah, what’s your name?” Bert asked. “It feels rude to keep thinking of you as the assistant.”

“Milly. Milly Light-Foot.” She beamed, “Thank you for asking.” She stood and nodded, “Assistant Head Gardener of the Guild of Growers, Guild Mage General, and Heir of the Thousand Leaves Family.” She beamed. “And you?”

“Bert and Bell Hudson, Caretaker and Spirit of the Waystation, respectively, and Lord and Lady of the Court of the Travelling Lands. Nice to meet you.” Bert said, including their titles just in case it was rude not to.

“Sorry?” She asked. “Lord and Lady… as in Fae Courts?” She looked at them for a second. “You’re not just the first to travel through… like merchants?” She gulped. “Actual Fae, real Lord and Lady?”

“Wait, what did you think I was?” Bell asked.

“I’m not familiar with races of the lost continent; I assumed a native?” Milly said slowly, “I thought Fae had these glowing things?”

“Ooh, let’s do the thing?” Bell cheered.

“The thing?” Scruff asked.

“Cycle the mana tides,” Bert explained. “Like I showed you?”

“Okay!” Scruff said with a grin, “I wanted to try that!”

The three of them concentrated, Bell even shifting into human form to show off more. Their knotwork began to glow gently.

“By the Gods!” Milly gasped. “I beg your pardon! I… I… “ And she fainted.

“Well, that went about as well as usual!” Bert huffed as Bell bent over laughing.

The door opened, and several waiting gardeners saw them as Bernhardt glanced in, taking in the scene as more Gardeners fainted behind him; he grinned.

“Fae! I can definitely trade my children! I knew I could!” He said happily. He closed the door, and they heard him humming happily as he walked off.

“Weird guy,” Scruff noted.

“Yup,” Bert agreed.

“I like him,” Bell said, pulling up a chair and sitting next to Bert. “It’s been ages since people were willing to give kids to the Fae.”

“Fuck sake, Bell!” Bert groaned as Bell just beamed and started to poke the unconscious Milly.

============

There was a lot of explaining to do once Milly woke up. For some reason, she seemed extremely anxious and embarrassed, which was like catnip to Bell.

“I am afraid I expected somewhat more pomp and ceremony when a Court of the Fae landed in our neck of the woods,” Milly admitted. “I hope you were not too offended?”

“Nah,” Bert waved it off. “We are very relaxed about that kind of thing.” He smiled.

“Still,” Milly sighed. “I want to express my thanks for your understanding.”

“Forget about it,” Bell said with a laugh. “I thought you would be more freaked out by meeting a Plant Fae than us,” She smiled.

“Plant Fae?” Milly asked.

“Hi!” Scruff waved from where she had her feet up on the table. “That’s me.”

Milly passed out again.

“That’s so much fun!” Scruff laughed as Bell clapped. “Bet we can make her pass out again before dinner!”

“Done!” Bell said excitedly.

Bert just sighed. The more Fae, the more trouble. And Scruff was taking to being Fae like a duck to water.

Milly woke up five minutes later.

“Are you doing okay?” Bert asked, legitimately concerned.

“Fine,” She said woozily. “Perhaps I should lie down for a while, however.”

“Sure,” Bert said. “I’ll just take this lot back to the Waystation until you’re feeling better.”

“No!” Milly said quickly. “Please, you must let us host you for the night.”

“Sure.” Bell shrugged. “Lily, let everyone know we are staying for dinner,” She said to the empty space next to Milly.

“Of course, Lady Bell,” Lily appeared in a flash and bowed.

“And… there she goes!” Scruff laughed as Milly hit the table face-first again.

“Enough!” Bert said, fighting not to laugh. “She’ll end up with brain damage, fainting all the time like this.”

“Not our fault she’s so jumpy,” Bell protested as he ushered them out of the room.

“Hey, Bud,” Bert said as they exited the massive glass doors. Bud and the others had stayed at the garden party, which was rapidly turning into an all-day affair.

“Good,” Bud nodded, “One question. Why does the Head Gardener keep asking if I want one of his children?”

“He’s a little weird,” Bert shrugged. “And they know we are Fae.”

“Really?” Bud laughed, “What gave it away?” He pointed to a small cluster of Gardeners who were cheering and clapping as Tim threw fireballs at plates they were tossing for him. Gavin was lying in the middle of the table, snoring with a glass of something potent on his belly; the orcs were sparring with what seemed to be a living rock with all signs of enjoyment, and a circle of unconscious figures was lying around a little girl who was bouncing on her father’s knee.

Given that her father was this world's Death God, Bert hoped they were only unconscious.

“Hello again,” Bert said, walking over to check the pulses of the unmoving forms. He blew out a relieved breath when he found they still had one.

“Greetings, Lord of the Fae,” Death nodded.

“Call me Bert,” Bert said.

The god nodded.

“I came to thank you for allowing my daughter to remain on board,” He nodded to the Waystation. “Not many demigods get to stay in a Court of the Fae.”

“No problem,” Bert said. “Care to stay for dinner?”

“Not today,” The god looked pleasantly surprised, “But thank you for the offer.”

Bert nodded.

“You didn’t come just to say hi, did you?” Bert asked.

“No,” Death sighed. “I have a complicated issue I may need your help with in the future.” He looked into the distance. “I could task Reed and Lowes with it, but they have awkwardly sworn not to kill.”

“They seem flexible on the definition,” Bert noted.

“Yes,” Death smiled. “But I prefer not to push them.” He bounced his daughter for a minute. “If I can not sort this out… I will need someone who can kill,” He looked at Bert. “Such as yourselves.”

“I won’t kill just because you say so,” Bert warned.

“Oh, I’m not worried,” Death smiled. “If I make you aware of this problem, you would race there and kill them now. They more than deserve it.”

“Really?” Bert frowned. “Then why the hesitation?”

“I think the matter may be resolved without further killing,” The god sighed. “But we shall see.” He clicked his fingers, and Reed appeared out of nowhere. The god kissed his daughter on the head and handed her to Reed, who promptly vanished again. “So, if needed?”

“If we can help, and they really need to be removed, I don’t see why not,” Bert said.

“Thank you,” Death said, fading away.

“That seems a bit foreboding,” Bud said a moment later.

“Let’s forget about it for now- Oh, for fuck sake!” Bert turned around to see Milly face down on the grass.

“She ran over to apologize and saw you talking to Death!” Bell said between gasps of laughter. “I think she died!”

Scruff and Bell were leaning against each other, laughing as Bert summoned a small carcass and pulsed healing through Milly. She seemed relatively unharmed.

He dismissed the carcass, and Bud picked up the unconscious woman.

“Careful,” Scruff gasped, “If she comes round being carried by a skeleton, she’ll fucking die for real!”